# Feelings of guilt



## Emmet and Murph (Oct 8, 2014)

Hey guys, Emmet here, Dad to Murphy, in my eyes the greatest dog to grace the planet.

Last Monday, around 2am I woke to my 14 and a half year old passing diarrhoea, which at his age was the norm. After cleaning this we both went back to sleep, waking the next day to similar bouts, though he was taking rice and had an appetite.

That day I took him his usual slow walk lol, then collected my partner at 6pm and allowed him out again, he was reluctant to get back into the car. Whilst making dinner after this I found him lying in the garden, he had been sick and passed watery blood from his rear, right away my heart broke! I knew his age and knew in my heart of hearts that his time was up, an awful feeling I never hope to have in my life again. I took to the internet and read about viruses and such, as all the vets were closed I tried to get him to take water and see if this passed.
Around 11pm I rang two separate vets, explaining my worries and they told me he should be encouraged to take water and that whether he came in now would most likely make little difference. He was groaning but I was able to rub his stomach for him and we lay on the floor together. Up until 3am I rang the vet again three times, I told him I was not doing this anymore and that I was rushing him in. I had made sure to check throughout the night his gums and so on, they were nice and red, however when I seen they were going pale I said that enough, was enough.

On top of all this, he was not showing obvious pain apart from groans but he freaked me out, biting his own lip as though his was fitting and not releasing, at one point I though he had pierced it, he appeared to be fitting. As mentioned, this made me rush him into the vet who seemed shocked at the speed of his deterioration stating that this was going to be terminal, he said from the moment I first rang to now no vet would have taken the dog in, something must have really got into his system.

As such I felt it was best Murphy was rid of the pain, it was a horrible night that has filled me with regret, remorse and had me asking did I do him proud? 
He was on Metacam due to Spondylosis, as such, I carried him down the stairs every morning, he was 45kg, I use to hold between his legs at the rear so the poor guy could stretch, I knew his time was coming, he use to sway at the rear when standing for his dinner then eventually collapse. All I am doing here is trying to justify in my head the action I took, I know others will understand exactly how I feel, I am just lost at how fast he was taken from me, has anyone else been overwhelmed by a similar experience?

Sorry about the rant, I miss you Murphy


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## CAROLINA MOM (May 12, 2009)

I'm very sorry for your loss of Murphy.
My thoughts are with you.


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## gdgli (Aug 24, 2011)

Sorry for your loss.


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## Emmet and Murph (Oct 8, 2014)

CAROLINA MOM said:


> I'm very sorry for your loss of Murphy.
> My thoughts are with you.


Thank you from Ireland, heartbroken


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## Emmet and Murph (Oct 8, 2014)

gdgli said:


> Sorry for your loss.


Thank you, our last Golden only made it to three, im glad that I got so long with Murphy but I carry a lot of guilt


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## Emmet and Murph (Oct 8, 2014)

This was my best friend. Thanks guys and girls


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## Spiderpig (Nov 7, 2019)

I am sorry for your loss.

I have felt guilty about dealing with the end of life with a couple of dogs. After awhile I realized that I did the best I could for them at the time and there was nothing I could do at this point to change it. I think the second guessing is part of grieving.

I hope you can find peace. It is so difficult to lose a friend. I wish you the best.


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## Deborus12 (Nov 5, 2017)

I understand your pain as we were second guessing the timing when our 14 year old girl was at the end. But there is no good in beating yourself up. You loved him so much and took care of him in every way. I hope you find solace in the memories of your time with Murphy. My heart goes out to you.


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## sophieanne (Feb 4, 2014)

You did what you felt in your heart was the best thing. Unfortunately, I've been there too. We could spend a lot of time second guessing but I don't think Murphy would want you beating yourself up; he knows you wanted to free him from his suffering. I can tell he had a wonderful life. Let the guilt go and surround yourself in the good memories. 14 incredible years of good memories. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## rabernet (Feb 24, 2015)

You DID do him proud, and you gave him the most loving gift you could, the gift to be free from suffering. He'll always be in your heart. It's never a decision any of us want to make, but have to at the end of our time with out babies. I'm sorry for your loss. He was very handsome.


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## OscarsDad (Dec 20, 2017)

That you feel conflicted, so devastated, and the care and devotion that you clearly gave him through his later years says to me that you were a wonderful caregiver. Now it is time to grieve, and that is never easy.


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## GoldenDude (Nov 5, 2016)

My sympathies on the loss of Murphy.


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## cwag (Apr 25, 2017)

Please try and keep your thoughts focused on the great love and care you gave Murphy for 14 and a half years rather than just the last few hours of his life. I have to remind myself of this also--too soon or not soon enough the second guessing is pointless. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Emmet and Murph (Oct 8, 2014)

Thank you to everyone that replied. It’s so odd, today I feel a sense of we tried our best to save him, I feel I’m lucky we kept him here until 3am as otherwise he would maybe have passed away alone at the vets overnight.

You almost feel guilty that your moving on and as odd as this sound I bring his ashes down in the morning and up at night, I know odd lol and I’m a qualified mental health nurse.

I find myself never wanting to forget his individual things so anytime a thought comes into my head I will write it down.

Again, thank you everyone, you have helped ease my pain and allow me to grieve appropriately.
Cheers from Ireland


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