# Guilt is Setting In



## Melakat (Oct 9, 2010)

Hello All Fellow Golden Lovers,

I had posted in the Rainbow Bridge section last week. 1 week ago today we lost our handsome boy Oakley.

Each passing day is getting easier but I still cry a lot  We have never had a dog that was so human like and our whole family is grieving his loss and miss him terribly.

Oakley was 8 years old and died very suddenly from Hemangio - bled internally. He was out for a walk the evening he died with my son and I, at his dinner, pooed, peed and was pretty normal looking to us.

So now I am feeling extremely guilty that a decision I made for him may have put him at risk.

We had not had him vaccinated in 3 or 4 years and we had him vaccinated in June as my husband and I were going to a conference and he needed to be up to date for the kennel. It was his first time in a kennel and while I attended the conference my husband took him from the kennel for daily walks. The reason we took him to the conference is we were travelling from there to our cabin for a weeks vacation and wanted Oakley with us there.

I feel sick that maybe the vaccination triggered this. He was vaccinated in May and died last week  - I feel like such a bad Golden Mommy - oh my!

Oakley's Father passed away from this cancer at 9.5 years old.

I HATE Cancer!!!!


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## california gold (Feb 28, 2014)

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Do not beat yourself up or feel guilty about vaccinating Oakley. My first golden I vaccinated way more then they recommend now and she lived to be 15. As I'm writing this I'm sitting here next to my 9.5 year old golden girl Bridgette Anne who was diagnosed with this dreaded disease in February. She was hardly vaccinated and yet here I sit with her while she struggles to live. I have lost 5 other golden to hemangiosarcoma, all 10 or under. The youngest was 7.5 years. The unfortunate thing is it is so previliant in our breed. So much so that they are doing study's for it. So it was not your fault, trust me it had nothing to do with vaccinating your boy. It is so hard to lose them and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like he had a very loving family and was a lucky boy to be so loved. My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. I hope in time the great memories you had with Oakley will help ease your pain. Hugs to all of you. Mary


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## california gold (Feb 28, 2014)

Oh. I. Also HATE cancer!!


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## kellyguy (Mar 5, 2014)

Sorry for you loss. I lost my golden boy "Buddy" in March to hemangio. He was 7-1/2, and like Oakley went suddenly and without warning.
What you are feeling is a normal grieving reaction, although I can't think of any healing benefit to feeling guilt.
I have read everything I could find about hemangio and I can assure you that nothing you did or did not do "caused" Oakley to become ill. The awful truth is that the cancer experts do not know what causes it, how to treat it or prevent it.
Buddy had never been sick a day in his life until he collapsed. In hindsight the only change I can think of was he had gained weight over the winter and was put on a weight loss diet.
Be gentle with yourself. There will be good days and bad days. It is part of the grieving process that we have to go through when we lose such wonderful fur babies.


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## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

Do NOT feel guilty. My Pete did not have vaccinations (titers only) and he also was perfect one day and collapsed the next. He had hemangio on his spleen and we lost him 2 weeks later. You did nothing to cause that EVIL EVIL cancer.


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## AlanK (Jun 28, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear this. Grieve for your buddy Oakley but please do not feel guilt. 
I have no other words for you just my fogged up eye's.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Melakat*



kellyguy said:


> Sorry for you loss. I lost my golden boy "Buddy" in March to hemangio. He was 7-1/2, and like Oakley went suddenly and without warning.
> What you are feeling is a normal grieving reaction, although I can't think of any healing benefit to feeling guilt.
> I have read everything I could find about hemangio and I can assure you that nothing you did or did not do "caused" Oakley to become ill. The awful truth is that the cancer experts do not know what causes it, how to treat it or prevent it.
> Buddy had never been sick a day in his life until he collapsed. In hindsight the only change I can think of was he had gained weight over the winter and was put on a weight loss diet.
> Be gentle with yourself. There will be good days and bad days. It is part of the grieving process that we have to go through when we lose such wonderful fur babies.


Melakat: I agree with Kellyguy. Nothing you did caused it and you could not have prevented it. I wouldn't think of not having my dogs vaccinated. I feel they are at risk without being vaccinated. We also board our dogs occasionally and it is necessary.


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## Melakat (Oct 9, 2010)

Thank you all so much. I am so glad I posted this as now I do feel better and not so guilty. 

I wish I would have known for even just 1 day that it would be our last day so that we could just hang out with our boy and tell him how much we loved him. But he knew that  I loved to kiss his face and tell him how handsome he was. 

Mary - I will pray for Bridgette Ann. You have lost so many Golden angels  Oh My how do you do it? I think I know. Oakley was our first Golden and I know without a doubt our family needs Goldens in our lives. I am sure we too will have 1, 2 or a few more.

Thank you everyone for letting me know what you have been through as well. Much appreciated.


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## Lbisuz (Aug 13, 2014)

Melakat, I lay here typing this, with tears in my eyes. I know how you are feeling, was there myself a few weeks ago. I, too, lost my boy to hemangio at 8 yo and felt guilty as can be. It's normal and passed quickly thank God! As for wanting one more day...ditto, but I think we can both say without a doubt that they knew how much we loved them. Others told me that my Chunky gave me the gift of happy until the end. I know that I'm glad he did not suffer long, just like Oakley. Smile more through the tears each day. ((((Hugs))))


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Smooch*



Lbisuz said:


> Melakat, I lay here typing this, with tears in my eyes. I know how you are feeling, was there myself a few weeks ago. I, too, lost my boy to hemangio at 8 yo and felt guilty as can be. It's normal and passed quickly thank God! As for wanting one more day...ditto, but I think we can both say without a doubt that they knew how much we loved them. Others told me that my Chunky gave me the gift of happy until the end. I know that I'm glad he did not suffer long, just like Oakley. Smile more through the tears each day. ((((Hugs))))


Melakat and Lbisuz: I felt the same with Smooch-if only I knew that it would be that day. They loved us and we them and that is all that matters. There aren't enough Goldens in the world for me. The pain will get better day by day, I promise.


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## AmberSunrise (Apr 1, 2009)

I am so very sorry for your loss and know exactly what you are feeling.

I follow minimum vaccination protocols and cannot but help wondering if my Casey might still be alive if he had not received his rabies booster a short time earlier - the vet & I discussed getting a waiver since he was older (13) but decided since all bloodwork and physical exam indicated no problems we would go ahead and booster .... he died suddenly in his sleep after a full and active weekend .. cause unknown but the thought is there that the vaccination caused his death.


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## Melakat (Oct 9, 2010)

*Lbisuz - *I read your story and cried my eyes out and sent you a PM but I am a newbie so I guess you never got it. Thanks for sharing and I know your pain is also still so fresh.

Karen thanks for reassuring me that we will get through this pain and smile again one day .

Sunrise - you were so blessed with 13 years. We do what we think is best for our Goldens and at 13 it really could be just about anything - I hope you have not been too hard on yourself.

I sure am going to do a lot more reading with regards to vaccinations, neutering, etc. 

So todway we are off to the lake. The cabin we have had for 5 years. Oakley has never been without us. My husband in his grieving this week built a beautiful wooden birdhouse with Oakley's name on it which we will place at the lake in honor of him. I think we are also going to plant a tree in the Spring. It's going to be a tough first day at the lake without our boy.

But - the family has been talking and a I think a Puppy in January or February could be in our cards  Our hearts will be ready I am sure. Oakley would want it that way.


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## Anon-2130948gsoni (Apr 12, 2014)

My heart goes out to you...we lost Boomer to hemangio last spring. I knew in my sinking heart that something wasn't right with him for several months...but then he'd act so NORMAL. Happy, bouncing, stealing and destroying stuff, running around with his leash in his mouth. And I was starting to think I was losing my mind because I'd drag him to the vet and everything would be just fine. Then one terrible week...it wasn't.

I think it's only human to want to believe that we have control over these things--that if we had just done something differently or sooner or not at all our beloved dogs would not have ended up with this horrible, sneaky, nightmare of a disease.

But I believe in my heart of hearts that we don't have any control over this. We do the best we can and love them every day, but in the end, it is what it is.

So please try to be kind to yourself and know that you did everything you could.

In retrospect, having lost five dogs in the last ten years...hemangio isn't the worst thing. I had to watch three of my senior dogs as they slowly lost their sight, their hearing, their ability to move around, and inevitably, their wonderful personalities over many difficult months. In contrast, Boo was Boo until that last terrible day, and if I had to choose, and oh how I wish I never will have to again, I would wish that for him and for all good dogs.

You have my utmost sympathy.


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## Melakat (Oct 9, 2010)

Thank you Noreaster... great words of wisdom there. Posts like yours really do help and as time has gone on I have been thinking way more about the happy times we had together and less on that last day. 

I know what you mean. Oakley was Oakley until the hours prior to his passing. We never had to watch him grow to be a true senior with all of those ailments that come with it.

Thank you so much for your post


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## Cuddysmom (Feb 6, 2014)

THERE IS NOTHING YOU DID WRONG

NOTHING

ZIP

ZILCH!

Giving you a virtual hug right now. Cancer is such a terrible jerk face punk that it's totally out of your control

Stop with the guilt! It only makes it worse.


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## Melakat (Oct 9, 2010)

Thank you CuddysMom - I am having a lot less guilt as time goes by. Now that I know about Hemangio it will always be in the back of my mind as my new Golden (we are getting a puppy early February) ages. With Oakley I never really knew about it and thought he would be with us until at least 10.

YES CANCER IS SUCH A NASTY JERK FACE PUNK !!!


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## MomofKoda (Apr 18, 2013)

I'm SO sorry to hear about Oakley. And I echo all the other posts that are telling you that you did absolutely nothing wrong. You loved him to the end, and that's doing everything right! All I can say is that cancer's touch is ugly and harsh and leaves much pain in its wake. We lost our sweet Koda at 22 months to bone cancer. And it broke our hearts. But all we can do is pray that someone will one day discover what causes cancer and how to prevent it... in both our beloved pets and in humans.

I'm so happy to hear that a new puppy in is your future. Wishing you peace as you continue to heal.


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## Cuddysmom (Feb 6, 2014)

Hope you're feeling better. You don't need guilt on top of your grief


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Melakat*



Melakat said:


> Thank you CuddysMom - I am having a lot less guilt as time goes by. Now that I know about Hemangio it will always be in the back of my mind as my new Golden (we are getting a puppy early February) ages. With Oakley I never really knew about it and thought he would be with us until at least 10.
> 
> YES CANCER IS SUCH A NASTY JERK FACE PUNK !!!


I never heard of Hemangiosarcoma until we lost our perfectly healthy almost 10 year old Samoyed, Snobear, to it. Then we lost our Golden Retriever, Smooch, to it.


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## Cuddysmom (Feb 6, 2014)

I hadn't heard of it either until 10 y/o Cuddy got it. Perfectly healthy until then. There's no rhyme or reason.


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## CAROLINA MOM (May 12, 2009)

I think feeling guilty is a normal part of the grieving process and most of us have been through it as well as questioning the decisions we have made. 

I have been going to the same Vet Clinic for over 20 years. In the Fall of 2009, my bridge boy was due for a vaccination-I can't remember which one it was now. My boy was 15 at the time, the appt. was with the founding Vet of the Clinic. I normally saw him when I had my old guy in for an appt. He told me at that time that he should receive the vaccination to protect him.

My clinic has always done yearly vaccinations with Rabies on a 3 yr. schedule after the first year. My clinic does not do titers, I have always followed their vaccination protocol with all my dogs. All of them of various breeds, have lived well into their upper teens.

I lost my Bridge boy the following Feb. in 2010. I had my other Golden in for an appt. and met with one of the newer Vets, she graduated from NC State's Vet School recently. I had a lengthy conversation with her about vaccination protocols, titers, etc. I talked to her about my Bridge boy passing and that he had received a vaccination in the fall. She told me there was no correlation or evidence that proved vaccinations caused cancer or had any effect on dogs who had it. My boy had cancer we opted not to do any type of treatment due to his age. The founding Vet of the clinic felt he would not do well with the treatments due to his age and that it would not prolong his life that much. He was basically in Hospice the last 1.5 years of his life. We opted for quality of life, kept him comfortable with pain medication as he needed. He actually did very well up until the first part of Feb. 2010, he started going down hill very quickly and very hard. It was his time so we made the decision to set him free of his pain and suffering.

I took one of my dogs to another Vet in the area for a second opinion one time, she felt dogs with cancer shouldn't be vaccinated. I think you'll find Vets vary almost as much as some Drs. do on many things. 

I believe when it's our dog's time to leave us, it's their time and it is completely out of our control. 
We can choose to let them pass peacefully.


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## goldlover68 (Jun 17, 2013)

I am sorry for your loss.....I have lost four Golden's over the last 25 years. Maddie at 9.5yrs. Max at 5yrs, and Shadow at 11yrs... 

We lost all of our Golden's from Cancer.....I too hate Cancer

I have 3 now...thank God for that! They keep me happy!

they really do not know what causes Cancer, the data suggests some vaccines may play a part, but the data in not conclusive. You did what was best for you pup...don't blame yourself. We just do not know....


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## 3 goldens (Sep 30, 2005)

After losing our 1+ year old golden girl, Honey to lymphoma in Aug, we adopted a 7 year old blind Great Pyrenees mix (?) who had chronic ear infections. His foster mom is a vegan and feeds her own dogs & cats and her fosters vegan food. Shaggy wa about 25 pounds under weight. She had had him a year and only put 5 pounds on him (nobody wants to adopt a blind senior dog with chronic ear infection0000except us apparently).

Well three weeks and two days he had learned the lay of our yard and house and felt confident enough to actually trot around in the yard. He LOVED his grain free food with the turkey stew I made and added., He loved all the attention. That day he cleaned his food pan all three times (he didn't eat a lot at a time, so fed him 3 times a day). His ear infection was almost cleared up, thanks to my great vet and I think getting him off grain)). He enjoyed his little walks. That day he enjoyed all his meals, he patrolled the perimeter of the yard just like a seeing pyr would do (he had always been blind apparently). 

The next morning he didn't want to get up to go outside, didn't' want his breakfast, wouldn't even his much loved boiled sweet potato snacks. He collapsed on the way to the car to go to vet. We got him there, he collapsed in the exam room--had been weighed and he had gained almost 3 pounds in the 3 weeks, 2 days. 

His temp was 106, his gums white. He had bruising on his stomach and under his arms. X rays showed tumor on spleen had ruptured and he was bleeding out. Hemangiosacarma. Nothing could be done. This horrible disease claims amny many goldens--and other dogs. 

I am so sorry for you loss. Do not blame yourself. I went that route once and hope to never do it again.


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## Melakat (Oct 9, 2010)

Thank you everyone. I do have less guilt. My breeder has suggested for our next puppy not to neuter him until at least 18 - 24 months so I will need to educate myself about living with an intact male as with Oakley I believe the protocol then was at 6 months. She sent me some links of articles that delaying neutering may help somewhat. I think for our next puppy we will do the puppy vaccinations and then titers. We will also need rabies as we have a lot of bats at the lake. One thing I heard though is not to give rabies with the regular shots as they call this a “cocktail”. 

I sure hope and pray that they can get to the root of cancer in Goldens as they are such a beautiful, handsome and loving breed and they deserve a longer lifespan.

It always is so hard to lose any of our precious dogs but when they die very young as Honey at 1.5 years, Max at 5, and Koda at less than 2 – well that is just outright robbery! Tragic.

On a positive note, I know that Oakley would want us to love again and we are getting a new Golden pup in early February. Babies will be born on November 29th. This morning the breeder sent me the X-ray via e-mail and wants me to try and guess the number of pups and I think I see at least 10 
We are very excited to open our hearts and fall in love again! Thanks again for all of your wonderful support and encouragement it is greatly appreciated.


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## CAROLINA MOM (May 12, 2009)

My bridge boy that passed when he was 15.5, was neutered when he was 6 months old per my Vet's recommendation. 

My current boy was neutered after he was 2. I am not 100% sure of his age, neither was the Vet, but she was guessing 2 at the time I got him. I adopted him from my County Shelter after my bridge boy passed. 

I am curious to see if there will be any differences. 
All my goldens have been AKC, but not well bred goldens. My current girl is adopted also, I got her through a GR Rescue, she's been with me since she was 2. She was spayed a few weeks before I got her.

My bridge boy came from a local family, this was long before I even knew about well bred goldens.


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## lhowemt (Jun 28, 2013)

You might consider vascetomy too, an alternate to early neuter and not being an oops parent. He's still be wild for the girls, but that is just something to deal with.


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## Megora (Jun 7, 2010)

I know somebody who only fed raw food and strictly did titers (this included rabies) and never put any chemicals on her dog or in the house or yard. And she was very particular about what her dog was exposed to.....

And her dog died early to lymphoma. I forget the actual age, but think it was between 5 and 8. 

Flip side of that is when I took Bertie to a microchip and vaccination clinic run by the humane society to get Bertie microchipped, there was a guy there who walked in carrying his 14 year old pointer to get his vaccination. He was carrying the dog because of advanced arthritis making it difficult for the dog to walk on slippery floors like in the petstore. The dog was bright eyed and wagging his tail - and I did not believe he was that old. I was surprised when I asked. He did not have any noticeable white on his face.


Whether a dog gets cancer early or later, I think a lot of it is unfortunately out of our control. You just give those dogs good lives, enjoy the time you have with them, and let it go when the time comes.


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## 3 goldens (Sep 30, 2005)

Thank the good Lord, my vet does not give vaccines willy-nilly. Honey didn't get anything except rabies after turning 8--and she was 13+ when we lost her. I totally believe in dividing vaccinations up, get the rabies separate and even others should be separated and not all pumped i9n t the same time.


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## name44 (Nov 21, 2014)

I was undergoing chemo treatment when my temperature spiked over 38 deg c, had to go to the hospital to undergo antibiotics. My 11.5 yr old golden started having issues where he couldn't control his back legs. He held out for nine days until I got out of the hospital and he gave one more day until he passed away of old age. I loved him, still love him, still miss him. He waited for me then gave me one more day. Always a special place for him in my heart.


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## Melakat (Oct 9, 2010)

name44 said:


> I was undergoing chemo treatment when my temperature spiked over 38 deg c, had to go to the hospital to undergo antibiotics. My 11.5 yr old golden started having issues where he couldn't control his back legs. He held out for nine days until I got out of the hospital and he gave one more day until he passed away of old age. I loved him, still love him, still miss him. He waited for me then gave me one more day. Always a special place for him in my heart.



Yes that was so special for him to hold on so that you could be together one last time but it must have been a hard time for you to lose him while undergoing chemo.


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## Cuddysmom (Feb 6, 2014)

Can't wait to meet the new pup!


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