# I can’t do this



## Megora (Jun 7, 2010)

Return the puppy to the breeder.

Sometimes bonding happens when people completely fall in love with the pups they own and that makes up for all the work they have to put into raising a pup. 

And some people set themselves up for fail right from the start when they get puppies because they cute, but have no intention of changing their lifestyle and turning their house into a home to both humans and dogs. 

Crating a pup at the furthest end of the home from where the humans sleep is one of those ways that people make life miserable for both themselves and the confused and lonely pup who is abandoned in the dark every night. 

Ways you can make life easy for yourself is finding a spot in your bedroom for the pup to sleep where he sees you sleeping and gets the idea that it's time to sleep. If not you, than the bedroom of another house member. 

Earliest days and weeks of a puppy's life are spent with his littermates and learning to sleep when the pack is sleeping and be awake when the pack is moving, etc. All this is scrapped when taken home by somebody who wants a dog but doesn't actually want to live in the same rooms with the dog. 

Long story short - if you aren't willing to switch things up and are finding dog ownership to be a nightmare, then you need to return the pup to the breeder. And no more pups, because if you had a problem with this one - you will have a problem with the next one.


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## Tosh's Legacy (Oct 2, 2013)

If you don't have the patience with the pup now, you will not have the patience later. They do take a lot of it. These are formative days in your relationship, and Goldens need that closeness with their human. They are very sensitive dogs and thrive on companionship.

I'm afraid that your impatience with him/her may create a neurotic dog later. Better to return him to the breeder while he is still very young.

It may sound a little harsh, but this is reality with any pup. Perhaps you would find yourself to be more of a cat person -- they don't demand as much attention.


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## Karen2 (Jan 5, 2009)

I get that. 
I'm not a puppy person and couldn't be, don't have the patience.
Return the puppy if your able.
Please don't feel like a failure, better for you and the puppy to separate now, then have you resenting the puppy and feeling miserable.
Having a dog is not for everyone, and having a puppy definitely isn't for everyone.
Lots of seniors out there, I'll be sticking with seniors from now on.
Maybe even just foster for a bit!
Hugs to you.


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## kateandnate (Nov 17, 2017)

All I keep thinking about it what will everyone say but I can’t be like that can I? I’ll be judged I’m sure. It’s in everyone’s interest really. I feel so bad for him and my son and I feel like an idiot I really do.


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## kaylamontgomery (Oct 21, 2017)

I cried three or four times after getting Riley, and seriously considered returning her for the first two weeks. I didn’t feel like we had bonded at all because all she did was bite, and she hated sleeping in her crate. My only pause was being afraid what everyone would think if we gave her back. My husband talked me into waiting just a bit longer before we made a decision about giving her back. After those two weeks, we majorly turned a corner, and we love that little fur ball like I never thought we would. She’s away boarding/training right now while we’re on vacation and honestly we thought it would be a bit of a relief to do whatever we wanted without having to plan around around a puppy, but we’ve spent all our time looking for presents to bring back to her!


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

kateandnate said:


> All I keep thinking about it what will everyone say but I can’t be like that can I? I’ll be judged I’m sure. It’s in everyone’s interest really. I feel so bad for him and my son and I feel like an idiot I really do.


If this is really not working, and you really can't have the patience the puppy needs, it's better for the puppy to return him to the breeder now while he is still young and can be rehomed. I won't judge you for realizing raising a puppy is not for you, it is not for everyone. I will tell you doing the right thing for the puppy and your family is best.

Having said that, try the suggestion of bringing the puppy into the room with you, crate next to your bed so he knows he is close to you, and you can comfort him. Think of it like your baby children, the first few weeks they were probably in the room with you before moving to a baby bed. It's the same things. The puppy needs reassurance. And I totally agree that the 2 week mark can often times be the turning point to a great and loving relationship. This could be the beginning of a 10-14 YEAR best friendship, what's a couple of weeks of adjustment and learning compared to that?


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## Olympia (Jan 11, 2010)

I've been through this many times myself, and I often wondered during the first couple weeks if I had made a big mistake...I think it is a common thing people go through...but if you stick it out it gets better, they are just babies that need to be loved and nurtured, you eventually will bond with him, you need to give him time to acclimate to his new surroundings and you both will learn to read each other...


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## Cpc1972 (Feb 23, 2015)

If your willing to make some changes it can work. If not give the puppy back. I think a lot of golden owners go through the what did I do stage. My mom when we got Jake kept thinking it wasn’t the right dog for them. And we were experienced dog owners. Thoughts of leaving the gate open so he would run away. Of course she never would of done that. Jake was a easy puppy also. He was pretty much house broke when he came home at 10 weeks. Then he passed at 9.5. We went and got Chloe. She was a huge biter until about 5 or 6 months. She was pretty challenging. But by six months she was such a good girl. She has never been destructive and didn’t need a gate by about 6 months.

Moral of the story having puppy remorse early on can be normal. But you know what you can handle. I suggest if you want to keep the puppy start training him and form a bond. When he is old enough get into some training classes. But if your not willing to make changes give the puppy back.


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## Megora (Jun 7, 2010)

kateandnate said:


> All I keep thinking about it what will everyone say but I can’t be like that can I? I’ll be judged I’m sure. It’s in everyone’s interest really. I feel so bad for him and my son and I feel like an idiot I really do.


People will judge anyway. 

Do the right thing for the pup if you can't handle all the puppy stuff.

If you are open to advice, a lot of us could suggest changes to lifestyle and routines which help smooth things out and actually give you room to absolutely enjoy having a pup around. 

My personal thing =

1. Bring the pup in your bedroom. Actually let him sleep in your bed with you. :wink2:

2. Set alarm clocks for potty times. Try to aim for midnight, 3AM, and 6AM if you can. 

3. Potty train the pup on leash and really be firm and calm about no play happening when you are doing these potty outings. Now is the time to begin teaching the pup to potty on command. 

4. During the day, have the pup learn how to be "on his own time" in the same room as you without you constantly interacting. Provide toys and chews, but primarily work towards training the pup to be quiet and hanging out when you are not interacting with him.

5. Have a number of play outings throughout the day. Aim for every couple hours. Let them be 10-20 minutes long each. Let the pup play and be a dog during the outings with you hanging out there either interacting or just watching. 

6. Potty training during the day is kept pretty regular with you taking your pup outside promptly after naps, after play time, after dinners, etc.

7. Crates should be gently introduced with you not stuffing the pup in there and going off and turning the lights off while you head off to the other end of the house. Crating could be part of training but also when you are making or having supper or doing other stuff, you can stow the pup in the crate nearby so he can see you and be in your space without being underfoot. 

8. Training classes with somebody who knows their stuff and is pretty serious about turning out well trained and happy pups long term, are a necessity. 

9. You could be teaching your kiddo how to endeavor and work towards success with this puppy. By not getting angry, upset, or impatient - but keeping good humor the whole time. 

And there more than that. Bottom line is puppies are a lot of work and it isn't always for everyone. 

If you have to call it quits, there's really no more judgement in that than there would be if you become an owner from hell and basically openly hate your dog.


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## Neciebugs (Nov 18, 2017)

EVERYONE has these thoughts. I actually had those thoughts when I brought my firstborn home!! BUT I persevered and moved forward. (He is now 23 and my other 2 are adults!)

I had the same thoughts after about 4-5 days of having Daisy. WHAT THE HELL DID I GET INTO?? BUT...

1. I took my trainer's advice and began crate training. Crate in son's room, crate in the kitchen. When pup is sleepy, put in crate with favorite toy/chew during the day. By your bed at night. If I am home, I let her sleep in the living room with us by the fireplace (cold stone). 

2. Set a timer during the day... out every 20 minutes. I had her up to every hour, but today at the 45 minute mark she had 2 accidents...(first in a few days)... so I am backing the timer up to 45 minutes. IF the pup doesn't go within 3 minutes out, come in then go out in 5 minutes... but totally supervise while you wait the 5 minutes (otherwise... he will go... and you will get frustrated).

3. TONS of different chew toys. Daisy's current favorite is cow ears. But tomorrow it might be her kong stuffed with a smear of peanut butter then kibble stuck to them... every day is different. Suprise the pup!

4. Golden Retrievers are super smart and easily bored... Keep them stimulated when awake. 

5. I have read one hour per month of age in the crate... I could be wrong... 

6. Short leash/martingale collar for walks. She decides she is going to run without my permission... I stop. Tell her to sit. If she doesn't, I say NO SIT! and prompt her to sit (gently pushing her butt down). When she is calm start walking again... and if she flips out... i do it all over again. It just took me 10 minutes to get her home from 5 houses down the street... but, by the end... she was totally under my control. (And I got quite a work out)

7. TETHER PUP while you are in the home with him. That way he is always under your control. We did this for the first 2 weeks after seeing the trainer, and we do it once in a while when she is having a "rebellious" day... I guess I should have today, but I have been busy about the house.


IF you can, hire a trainer to come to your house. Mine charges $65 for a session (about 2 hours). Enroll in puppy classes once he is fully vaccinated.

We have been having a great few days... (she is 4 months) but today she is driving me batpoop crazy! BUT, I dont let her know that. I just remind her that I am in control, and reward her when she does what I ask. 

IF ALL else fails, and you really have trouble seeing the light at the end of the first year of hard work, contact the breeder. Don't feel bad for returning him if you have tried everything you can think of and still are not enjoying or seeing progress. It's only fair to the dog... otherwise, like someone said he may have anxiety issues toward you. 

IT IS DIFFICULT no matter what size the dog, especially the first few months at home. But you do get into a groove/rhythm. 

GOOD LUCK!! My girls are below... I was even more concerned because I worried about my little dog accepting her. Two months in... this...  IT GETS EASIER!! I promise.


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## kateandnate (Nov 17, 2017)

It’s not just the lack of sleep really but I’ve tried leaving him in the day and the poor thing is so stressed out I feel like I’m committing animal cruelty. I won’t be able to concentrate at work through worrying. I am in bits I really am my son will be devastated


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## DanaRuns (Sep 29, 2012)

I'm not going to say return the puppy. I'm going to say keep him a while longer, and do three things: (1) adjust your expectations, (2) adjust your lifestyle, (3) adjust what you're doing with the puppy.

People don't realize that a puppy isn't a plug and play "thing," it's an INFANT, with infant needs and infant behavior. (And just like with infants, you may not get a lot of sleep.) Not only is it an infant, it's an animal infant who doesn't know how to behave in a human home. YOU are the adult, YOU are the human, YOU have the big brain and can do amazing things like open cans and doors. It's YOUR JOB to figure this out. You are smarter than a puppy. BE smarter than the puppy.

The problem is that the puppy is different than what you were expecting. If you had expected this, you wouldn't be so freaked out. That's not the puppy's problem, that's your problem, and your fault. Rather than freaking out, you need to adjust what you expect from this infant who has been ripped from his siblings and thrust into an alien environment where he is all alone, doesn't know what to do and can't understand. Take a deep breath, and accept the fact that this is like having a new baby, although one of a different species, and it's going to be a long road to healthy adulthood, with YOU responsible for how he turns out.

You haven't "bonded" with the puppy? Well, get busy then. That's your job, not something that just happens with hearts and rainbows floating around you. Loving that puppy is something you DO, not something that happens to you. And that puppy needs your active love. Give it to him, and he will return it a thousand fold for the rest of his life.

You've been given some great advice in this thread about how to make things a little easier for you both. Understand that if your puppy is anxious and acting out and causing problems, it's because you're not giving him what he needs. Like, one of the things he needs is probably less space and to be closer to you. He's been ripped from his mother. You're his mother now. Do what mothers do, and expect of your puppy what you would expect of an infant. Because an infant is what you have. Patience is key, togetherness is necessary, and being the smart one between the two of you is required.

Take a breath. Adjust your expectations. Devise strategies. Be a good mother. All will be better in a few weeks.


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## DanaRuns (Sep 29, 2012)

kateandnate said:


> It’s not just the lack of sleep really but I’ve tried leaving him in the day and the poor thing is so stressed out I feel like I’m committing animal cruelty. I won’t be able to concentrate at work through worrying. I am in bits I really am my son will be devastated


Don't leave him alone during the day. He's an INFANT and a pack animal. He needs companionship. If you can't be home, find someone to be with him during the day.


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## GoldenGalore (Sep 15, 2016)

kateandnate said:


> 3 decent nights sleep and now it’s 1.30 and he’s bonkers. Can’t be left alone at all. I’ve made the worst decision in my life. One week in. He’s just barking. I have not bonded with him at all.


The puppy stage is really tough, no doubt. But my husband and I had wanted a Golden for so long that we didn't mind the middle of the night potty trips. We knew that was part of the package. (And it didn't last more than a couple weeks.) We slept in our family room on an inflatable mattress for weeks just to be near our pup in her crate and close to the door leading outside. And now she sleeps in our upstairs bedroom right beside us, and we love that. Today we have an INCREDIBLE one-and-a-half-year-old Golden that is the LOVE of our life. We feel incredibly blessed. Even as a puppy, we bonded with her immediately because we wanted her so badly. I'm a little concerned that you are not "bonded" with your puppy, and you seem more concerned about your sleep. Maybe this isn't for you...and that's okay. Better to admit that now...rather than later.


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## GoldenGalore (Sep 15, 2016)

DanaRuns said:


> I'm not going to say return the puppy. I'm going to say keep him a while longer, and do three things: (1) adjust your expectations, (2) adjust your lifestyle, (3) adjust what you're doing with the puppy.
> 
> People don't realize that a puppy isn't a plug and play "thing," it's an INFANT, with infant needs and infant behavior. (And just like with infants, you may not get a lot of sleep.) Not only is it an infant, it's an animal infant who doesn't know how to behave in a human home. YOU are the adult, YOU are the human, YOU have the big brain and can do amazing things like open cans and doors. It's YOUR JOB to figure this out. You are smarter than a puppy. BE smarter than the puppy.
> 
> ...


This is GREAT advice.


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## GoldenGalore (Sep 15, 2016)

DanaRuns said:


> Don't leave him alone during the day. He's an INFANT and a pack animal. He needs companionship. If you can't be home, find someone to be with him during the day.


Agreed. During our puppy's first week with us, I stayed home from work for a week. (I'll be honest -- I was miserable because our pup was so needy, but thinking back, now I realize it was just a week. And frankly, I wish I could have that week back to relive those early bonding moments with our pup. They grow up so quickly!!!!) My husband stayed home for a week the following week. I realize not everyone can do this, but it's really important to think about these things when you contemplate bringing a Golden Retriever puppy home. DanaRuns nails it.


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## Sandy22 (Mar 12, 2016)

Everyone who hopes to have or does have a golden pup should read DanaRuns post (#13) and Niecebugs (#11). Raising a good golden pup is not easy, but doing it right pays off. We love these dogs and it is up to us to raise them to be the awesome animals that they can be.


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## Sandy22 (Mar 12, 2016)

i need to add that my boy is far from perfect, but he is the best companion I could ever hope for. Although he comes from champion lines, he will never be titled himself, but that is OK with me. We've had our challenges, but accept one another as we are. The awesome feeling of him lying on my feet as I type this means everything to me.


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## wsaunders1014 (Dec 15, 2017)

try reading this: https://www.dogstardaily.com/files/BEFORE You Get Your Puppy.pdf

it's a free book on puppy raising from Ian Dunbar a well respected dog trainer and vet. I've read it to get ready for my own pup. It's got a lot of great stuff, especially on Crate training that I think you might find helpful. Ideally someone should be with the puppy all day in the early days, but if you can't, you should at least be doing the Long term confinement set up. Try hiring a dog walker to come over and play with your puppy during the day.


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## kateandnate (Nov 17, 2017)

I was planning on coming home at lunch time so he’d have 3 Hours alone, then 45 mins with me then another 3 hours. The only time he hasn’t gone crazy when I’ve been gone is when I forgot to shut the crate and I came back he was asleep by the settee so I don’t know if letting him have the whole of downstairs (puppy proofed) would help. I know that won’t help with toileting. That’s all I’ve got I can’t bare to hear him stressed out for 6 hours a day. I have no choice but to go back to work.


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## Sweet Girl (Jun 10, 2010)

It IS really important to be flexible and try some of the suggestions you've been given - even if you really never wanted the puppy to sleep in your room, or if you think a small crate is cruel. My first puppy was a dream - loved her crate (which was in the living room), never cried at night or during the day when I went back to work (but holy cow, she was a CRAZY biter!). I had no CLUE they bit like that, but I figured out how to deal with it.

My next puppy HATED her crate. I thought I was fully prepared for everything - afterall, I'd raised a puppy before, she was my heart and soul, we had 12 wonderful years together. But this new one was SO different. She screamed and howled in the crate (which was in the living room). So I had to change up everything. Bought a second crate, moved stuff around in my bedroom, moved her in there. Shoved all my first floor furniture to one side and put up an ex-pen to keep her away from it, and otherwise let her follow me around, because she went bananas if I left her in an ex-pen and even just stepped out of it. Like, literally, I could not be on the other side of it, inches away. So I adjusted. My house was upside down for six months, but who cares? Slowly but surely, as we got by chewing stages, I could open up more of my house to her (she was up on the couch with me almost from the start). 

It IS hard - but it is through that work together that your bond will grow. I know that dealing with my howling, screaming puppy was really hard at the time, but honest to God, when I look back on it now, I'm really glad we went through it and made it out the other side so well. It was a huge accomplishment, and corny as it may sound, I am a better dog owner for it. They're not all easy - they don't come out of the box fully trained. As Dana said, it is your job to teach him how to be a good dog. House training takes time, obedience training takes time. Both take immense patience and understanding. It's definitely easier if you get a pup who likes the crate, but they don't all like the crate. Trust me when I say, they get used to it and can come to like it. Mine really did. I grew her crate sizes as she grew (you can also buy ones that have barricades that let you grow the space as they grow), and she eventually stayed in a huge 42 inch crate that I called her house. I had to work to wean her OUT of it when she was old enough and more than reliable to stay out in the house alone. She had come to find it comforting to be IN the crate. 

But like you had to be with your son, you do need to adjust to them, and make changes to your plans. But if it is too much and more important, you don't WANT to do this, it's in the puppy's best interest to go back to the breeder who will find him a new home.


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## Anele (Dec 12, 2014)

Can't or won't? 

There are three kinds of people: those who _are_ willing to rearrange their lives for a dog, those who _won't_, and those who _can't_ due to some unchangeable factor. 

Think carefully about which one best describes you. If you aren't willing or can't, then yes, please return your puppy to the breeder. I say this without judgment. 

But, in your intro post, you described how your life was perfectly set up for a puppy, and how much you wanted one. 

Unfortunately, many people think they want a puppy... but they really want a dog.

Puppies ARE HARD. As I read somewhere... there are easy ones, but they belong to other people.  But the good (and bad) news is, they grow up. And the hard ones make you a better dog trainer... a better person. Eventually you will find that you are even thankful for the difficult times. 

You may have heard the phrase people use regarding children: the days are long, but the years are short. And this is very true. Your puppy will grow up into a dog, and you will wish you could freeze time, so that your dog could live forever.

If you are willing and able to stick it out, you have untold rewards awaiting you.

PS We need a pic!


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## OscarsDad (Dec 20, 2017)

kateandnate said:


> All I keep thinking about it what will everyone say but I can’t be like that can I? I’ll be judged I’m sure. It’s in everyone’s interest really. I feel so bad for him and my son and I feel like an idiot I really do.


Hmm. Don't think this should be about you. It should be about the long term happiness of the dog.


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

kateandnate said:


> I was planning on coming home at lunch time so he’d have 3 Hours alone, then 45 mins with me then another 3 hours. The only time he hasn’t gone crazy when I’ve been gone is when I forgot to shut the crate and I came back he was asleep by the settee so I don’t know if letting him have the whole of downstairs (puppy proofed) would help. I know that won’t help with toileting. That’s all I’ve got I can’t bare to hear him stressed out for 6 hours a day. I have no choice but to go back to work.


3 hours crated is not too long if you are comitted to coming and letting him out during the day. The fussing and crying in the crate will stop, he will adjust to the routine and calm down over time. This is a very short term problem that will resolve. He is not going to keep crying in the crate forever.

Go on Youtube and look up videos for crate training a puppy. Make the crate a happy place for him, lots of his favorite toys in there, great chew bones in there, toss treats in there, feed him in there. And before you need to put him in the crate make sure you are giving him some good energy expending playtime, chasing a ball, running around following you (or your kids), until he his tired and more ready to settle in the crate.

If you're problem is just that the puppy is unhappy in the crate, give it more time, it will get better. You've only had him a week, his whole world has been ripped away from him, and he needs time to adjust to his new life.


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## Wicky (Aug 27, 2015)

Agree with the above advice. Go on YouTube and search for crate games I think this one is good. 



The crate need to be a fun place. I raised my pup on my own and it was hard. I had to pick her up on my own from the breeder. By the time I got to the end of the road I though ‘I’m never gonna cope, what have i done!k the screaming was awful. In the end it was fine. I was so scared to leave her alone when I went back to work. However I made it my mission to prepare her for this over the week or so I had off. I used to give her a frozen Kong with peanut butter and yoghurt and go out of the house for very short periods. Some time I stayed in the garden.
If you believe you can commit the time to working with/training your pup every day a couple of times a day for short periods of time over the next year or two you can have a wonderful family member that will be a pleasure to be around. Have you found training classes near you for when you are able to take your pup out?

PS welcome from another UK member


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## ceegee (Mar 26, 2015)

Anele said:


> Unfortunately, many people think they want a puppy... but they really want a dog.


I think this is insightful and very true. Puppies are cute - people think they want one. Then, when the pup comes home, reality kicks in: puppies pee and poo everywhere, chew inappropriate stuff, bite humans, don't want to be left alone, don't understand the rules, and are generally pretty obnoxious. Non-dog people who meet my trained 2-year-old Golden often say they'd love a Golden puppy, and I tell them: no, you wouldn't. You have no idea of the hundreds of hours of effort it took to get this dog to where he is now.

Fifteen years ago I flew to China and adopted the little girl who became my daughter. She was 18 months old at the time, spoke and understood only Chinese, had been abandoned in a cardboard box at birth, taken to an orphanage and then, six months later, placed with a foster family with whom she lived for a year. On the Sunday when we first met, she was unceremoniously taken away from that family _while she was asleep_, and dumped into the arms of an alien being (me) at midnight. For me, it was the culmination of a process. For her, it was a most unwelcome shock. The last 15 years have been the mother of all learning experiences for both of us.

What I have learned in those years is the importance of flexibility in all things. It was very clear from the outset that this small human was literally unable to sleep alone, so the first thing I did when I got home was to move her crib out of the beautiful baby room and into my room - where she slept for the next four years, until she was ready to sleep alone. She was absolutely unable to tolerate being left anywhere without me, so I hired a nanny three days a week and started working from home, so I would always be there. She wouldn't eat western food - hated it - so I took lessons in Chinese cooking. She didn't understand French (our Native language here), or English, so I devised a system not unlike clicker training, where she had easy audible cues to denote appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, until she developed some language skills. And so on. And I had regular meetings over the next several years with a therapist who had 40 years of experience in adoption issues, to help me figure out what I needed to do.

I've raised three puppies in the last 10 years and the system I've used with all of them has been based more or less on what I learned from my daughter. All three pups have had different needs, but basically, what I learned was this:

Puppies feel secure more quickly if they sleep in the same room as their humans. Sleeping time is also bonding time.
Puppies need some kind of human presence, at least in the early weeks.
Puppies need a system that helps them to understand the rules - clicker training is ideal.
Training should start on the day the puppy comes home - it helps to develop a bond with the human.
The human needs guidance to help her understand and address the puppy's issues.
And - perhaps most importantly - in those early weeks, it's not about the human, it's about the puppy.

To the OP: I hope you decide you can do this, but if not, don't feel bad. If it's better for the pup, and for your own sanity, to send him back to the breeder, then that's what you should do. Puppies aren't for everyone. Next time, work with a rescue and find an older dog that's in need of a home and is used to children. An older dog will teach you how to be a dog owner, and will already know how to live in a human home. It might be a better solution for you than a puppy. You shouldn't worry about what other people think - the important thing is that the pup is in a home where he's loved and accepted.

Best of luck. I hope things work out.


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## cwag (Apr 25, 2017)

mylissk
If you're problem is just that the puppy is unhappy in the crate said:


> The other thing you mentioned was not feeling bonded and that is also something that takes time for some people. When we first got Rukie, he was so busy getting adjusted and we were so tense about getting him out to potty that I really did not feel an immediate bond. I wondered if it would even happen but after about a month, he started showing his sweet, loving, and cuddly nature and we did start bonding. Now he's my Velcro boy and I love him and can't imagine not having him.
> I also think (just my opinion from a distant perspective) that as you said, it would be awful to bring a pet home for my kids and then take it away from them without giving it every chance to stay. There have been lots of desperate posts from new puppy owners very similar to yours. The ones who don't give up usually report back a month or so later about how much better it has become. Best wishes for a wise decision.


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## Anne Y. (Jan 6, 2017)

It is totally ok to give the dog back to the breeder. I know how tough this is for you now, and how you must be feeling having to make this decision, but I really want to hit the point home that IT WILL BE OKAY-regardless of what you choose to do. The puppy will be okay, your son will be okay, and you will be okay. 

You are not alone. I think many if not most people wonder what the hell they got themselves into when they have a new puppy at home. And I am one of those people-I lost sleep, didn't eat, there were days I didn't shower-I was so stressed out a few times I cried and I was literally losing my hair from feeling so stressed out. When we brought Bodhi home, he would SCREAM these unbelievable, godawful screams if I was more than an arm length away from him. It was terrible. I could do absolutely nothing but be with this puppy 24/7 at first. And I wasn't brave enough to tell anyone how I felt, even here. I didn't want to be judged, I felt bad enough that I felt the way that I did as it was. 

It takes courage to open up about how you feel, so good on you for that. And for what it's worth, we're here to support you no matter what you decide. Please don't feel guilty or worry too much about feeling judged if you do go ahead and return the puppy. You shouldn't burden yourself with any extra negativity or whatever if you can avoid it for simply being honest and doing the right thing for YOURSELF, your son, and the pup. And if you decide to power ahead and keep the puppy, it will get better! Just remind yourself, "When you're going through hell, just keep going" and you will find yourself in the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Good luck with your decision.


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## iamcynda (Jul 28, 2008)

Nice post, Anne.


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## LdyTlfrd (Jan 11, 2017)

I was going to add my thoughts on here but Anne Y. said exactly what I was going to, so no need to repeat. 

I am a stay at home mom. I cried to myself when I thought about abandoning her. My hubby & 3 kids kept saying I should ask for help but whenever I did I got the usual excuses ... I have work, I have school, I'm about to head out with friends, etc. I felt trapped with a puppy who needed me 24/7. 

THEN what seemed like overnight, she slept through the night, she went to the back door to let us know she had to go pee/potty. She walked instead of pulled on her lead. Don't get me wrong, she's no angel, she has her moments but we turned a corner and she is here to stay. She sleeps part of the night in her crate in our bedroom but at first light, she'll jump into bed for morning snuggles & then falls back asleep until we get up. 

Best of luck in whatever you decide.


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## Pammie (Jan 22, 2011)

kateandnate said:


> All I keep thinking about it what will everyone say but I can’t be like that can I? I’ll be judged I’m sure. It’s in everyone’s interest really. I feel so bad for him and my son and I feel like an idiot I really do.


Don't let judgey friends be the reason to keep your pup. Will they judge? For sure they will...for about 1 day and then they will be all wrapped up in their own life and personal dramas and forget all about you and the pup! And you are not an idiot. You are wise to know you and your families limits. I think from what you have written the pup should go back to the breeder. 

For me this phase you are in now with the pups life is actually easier then when they are 6-9 months. They might be house trained by 6 months but at 9 month they will test your every nerve! Everything in the mouth, still bitey, testing their limits as to who is boss and they are big and not easily scooped up and put in a crate if they don't want to go. I cried during that phase and not puppy phase. So what I am saying is I think it will get harder before it gets better. 
Buckle up if you keep the pup because it will be a wild ride for a while!


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## Karento5 (Nov 22, 2017)

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I have had my girl about a month and it's hard. It's been years since we have had a puppy, my older dogs hate her and the puppy is relentless in harassing them and my cat. She is still having accidents and we are still getting up thru the night to take her out. It's exhausting so I get it. Don't feel bad if you can't make that commitment right now. I struggle too if we took on too much. Praying we can make it through the puppy stages without her killing the cat.


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## CedarFurbaby (Jun 6, 2016)

kateandnate said:


> I was planning on coming home at lunch time so he’d have 3 Hours alone, then 45 mins with me then another 3 hours. The only time he hasn’t gone crazy when I’ve been gone is when I forgot to shut the crate and I came back he was asleep by the settee so I don’t know if letting him have the whole of downstairs (puppy proofed) would help. I know that won’t help with toileting. That’s all I’ve got I can’t bare to hear him stressed out for 6 hours a day. I have no choice but to go back to work.


Honestly I didn't feel like I bonded with my dog till he was over a year old! He was just that crazy at the start, so I feel a lot for you. I promise it will get better, but you do have to be strong for the next few weeks, and resolve to see this through. Forget the image of the perfect dog that you would like, and save it for later. For now, focus on helping the little baby settle and teach him to navigate your world. He absolutely can be the wonderful dog and lovely companion more than you can imagine, but he does need your help now in this confusing and new environment. 

I suggest taking the next week or two off work. This will help with the housebreaking, and you could try out puppy proofing downstairs if you prefer. With the extra time, you could get better sleep, and spend time looking up how to get puppy used to the crate, and how to help him settle. During weekends or days you're not working, don't stay at home with the puppy all day, get him used to you going out. Leave for 5 min and come back, and then build it all up to longer periods. 

Puppy, full time work and single caretaker... it all can be done. At the start I came home at lunch times. Because he basically had to go to the toilet every 2 or 3 hours, I also got friends and family to visit as much as they could, so he wasn't left alone more than he could hold his bladder. It's okay to have toilet accidents, just reward him when he does the right thing, clean up the accidents without a word, and they will eventually learn. I tested out a puppy proofed kitchen and eventually let him have the kitchen while I was gone, and baby gate everywhere else. Then I found a dog walker who came by to play with the puppy and stopped relying on friends and family, and I continued to visit every lunch time for a few months. This meant the longest he was alone for was about 4 hours. 

I had so many moments earlier on where I cried all the time, almost every day and was so exhausted I couldn't decide if I should get some sleep or to eat something. Wishing you all the best, and sending you lots of love and hugs. Don't give up!


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## supernova777 (Aug 20, 2017)

you guys are putting way too much effort in responding to this message..
im sorry i even read this


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## LilZeus (Dec 1, 2017)

I was REALLY overwhelmed with Zues (now Brinkley) when I first got him because he was ok with going on himself and in the crate. He'd poop and lie down it without letting me know, or barking. I cleaned him constantly, my rugs, the crate. I was knee deep in poop! It was everywhere, and he had the most sensitive stomach! I started getting heart palpitations from stress, and lack of sleep. I wondered if I could keep it up long enough for things to get easier. 

I made it to the other side with the help of all the wonderful folks on this forum! He now rings a bell to ask to go out, and I'm able to trust him to play in the two rooms I work in while I work at home. He's still very tiring, and sometimes I miss sleeping in lol. Oh boy do I miss that! But I know he's going to become the most amazing dog. I've worked hard with him, and it's going to pay off. It already is! 

I just did tiny practice sessions every day. "Leave it" and "drop" were very important. I can apply "leave it" to anything: stuff on my ottoman, my chihuahua, my cat, people outside when we're walking. Those are two very useful and magic words that keep things a lot easier. He's constantly picking up things, and not always things I want him to carry around - so "drop" is the other command I practice several times a day. Maybe ten minutes in all for any practice sessions. 

The bonding is hard in the beginning because of all the stress, but it slowly creeps up on you and then turns into a deep love. 

Also, most of the things you think he will never learn - he does. Their brain matures and things start to click, after which you think "thank god, he finally got it!"


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## Jnoel21 (Sep 20, 2017)

Judgement free: everyone goes through this but it gets easier. It’s a huge adjustment and learning curve especially with your first puppy but if you are willing to put the time, energy and money into it..you will have a wonderful companion for hopefully many years. No puppy is perfect and a lot of the time they are pure hell but if you take the steps that are listed above it will get better with time. The puppy is scared,confused and wants the bond with you and your son but it’s difficult. If the crate is treated like a safe, cozy place then it won’t be distressed when you are away at work or wherever. Setting alarms every few hours worked for me and my puppy. It was hell for the first couple days and so tiring but once they get it, it’s a world of difference. My girlfriend has never had dogs and this is our puppy, I have had to *train* her just as I am training the puppy. You have to ask yourself how done are you? Are you at absolute full capacity or can you give it a little longer to see? If you aren’t willing to then you need to go back to the breeder. Puppies aren’t for everyone and no body will judge you for doing what’s right for both the puppy and your family. Please think long and hard either way!


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