# Guilt and what-ifs and if-onlys......



## Kobys_mom (Feb 19, 2018)

Hi- I can't sleep so thought I'd write here where I know you all understand. This is Koby's mom again, and after making the heart-wrenching decision to let him go on Tuesday night, I can't stop thinking about him, can't stop tearing up whenever I think about him, see his picture, or read all the wonderful messages to me on my facebook page. I think what I feel most and what's making me hurt so much more is the feeling of guilt. Did we do the right thing, deciding not to have the surgical biopsy? That, I think we did because of the risks, but what if it'd been okay and we'd have been able to get an absolute diagnosis. Without that diagnosis, we didn't know for sure what we were treating - Inflammatory Bowel, or intestinal lymphoma. Would it have made a difference? What if the prednisone wasn't what caused his muscle wasting and weakness and we should have kept him on that? Why didn't I ask for one more ultrasound, just to see if there were any changes? So many things that I'm beating myself up over now. I just feel like maybe he might have someday turned around. I know that in all likelihood, it was lymphoma. That, that's why his muscles were wasting and he was getting so weak. But, what it it wasn't? The vet seemed to think so. But, still - the questions won't leave my mind....... Seeing him get so much worse in the last couple days - when just a week before that, we had him at the beach, was heartbreaking. But, I can't get it out of my mind that maybe, just maybe, he might have gotten better. Making that decision to put him down was the worst kind of guilt. I find myself crying all the time. And my husband does too. And, our other golden, Kai, just seems so lost. Koby was 4 when we got Kai, so Kai doesn't know what it's like to not have his big brother here, sleeping beside him. It's breaking my heart. 

Has anyone else gone through this? Why can't I just accept that the vets did know what they were doing and make the right recommendations, that I so faithfully followed? I miss my buddy. He was definitely my dog version of a soul mate.


----------



## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

You made the decision with only his best interests at heart, and because you loved him and didn't want him to suffer. You can second guess yourself into utter despair, but please try not to what if, you can't answer those questions and only cause yourself more pain.

I know right now every memory makes your heart hurt, but look at your pictures of him. He was pure joy shining at you, and I sincerely hope that one day soon you can smile looking at them even through the tears.


----------



## Zee9 (Dec 21, 2016)

Hi Koby’s mom. Don’t beat yourself up. After my Marley passed away suddenly. 30 minutes within the first symptom, We still don’t know what was the cause. I didn’t make it to work for 4 months and still even though it’s been 15 months still question myself how come I never noticed any signs. That’s just human nature to think about “what ifs” etc. I was too hurt to get another dog but we now have rescued a beautiful boy from the streets of turkey. I still miss my Marley everyday but he’s moved on to help and love some other family. 

You have to remember it was his time to move his soul to a new body. Don’t hate this feeling accept the pain or else you will dwell on this pain more than his beautiful memories. 

I’m sure it would have hurt you even more if he had survived but had been in more pain. Decisions are never good or bad - just tough or simple. Why? Because you can’t go back in time to re-live the alternative decision. So it was a very tough decision but you were not selfish and decided to do what was best for koby. This pain won’t go easily no matter who can convince you otherwise but maybe, just maybe if you remember his memories more than the decisions and pain of the last days you’ll find yourself smiling again. Still missing him but smiling!

He should be so proud for having such a loving Mommy!




Zee
2000 Triumph Thunderbird Sport 
2015 BMW F700gs


----------



## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

And I have been there. When Robbie had his first bleed the vet was able to drain the fluid from his around his heart and stabilize him, when he had another crisis, his heart actually stopped. We were at the emergency vet and they were able to get his heart started again. The vet asked me if I wanted them to drain the fluid from his heart again, but he wasn't going to survive long. If I had them do the procedure would he have had more time? I don't know, but I do know it would have caused him more suffering either immediately or very soon. All I know for sure is Robbie was dying, and letting him go was the right decision. When we are at that place, when we can't fix it, we can't make it go away, we can't make them well again, and they will only get worse, the one thing we can do for them is not let them suffer. 

I know you did that for Koby.


----------



## sdain31y (Jul 5, 2010)

He was such a beautiful boy with such a kind and loving face. Having made the decision you faced far too many times, it’s always hard. Trust in yourself and the decision you made was the best decision that you COULD make. The situation is completely different in the hours, days and weeks after. You made the decision because of the love you had for your boy at that moment because you believed it was right. It is a personal decision that. I one else can or needs to understand or approve - only you understood, in the moment what needed to be done.

I’m so sorry for your pain, but remember for Koby you were his forever for his forever. ?


----------



## Charliethree (Jul 18, 2010)

I am so sorry for your loss of Koby, my heart goes out to you. 

Please be easy, kind to yourselves. I think on some level we all go through the 'what if's' - the what did I miss? what could I have done that may have had a different outcome? and often there are just no answers to those questions. The feeling that perhaps we should have somehow known what we cannot or did not know. I think it is a natural progression of trying understand and accept such a deep and impacting loss of such a wonderful best friend.
It is hard, so hard, I lost my boy Charlie in January, suddenly, no warning, no indication that he was unwell, and yes it is absolutely crushing. I hasn't been easy but have done my best to temper the 'guilt' (of not 'knowing' what I didn't know) by reminding myself that he had a really good life, wanted for nothing, until it was time for him to go and there was nothing I could have done to prevent that. I doesn't make the heart hurt go away, but it does make it just a little easier to bear - day by day. I gave him my heart, he gave me his, and we traveled an amazing journey, as no doubt, you both did with Koby.

Someone shared with me this quote, though it is not simple or easy, but we can and do get 'there' in time.

'Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.'


----------



## Mac'sdad (Dec 5, 2009)

Kobe's Mom,
I saw a picture with the words: A person once asked ...what the hardest part of owning a dog .... Answer .... "Saying Goodbye" !
I think even if you didn't second guess yourself and felt you did the right thing you would still feel emotionally like the bottom fell out from under you ... I try to think about my love for my buckaroo but that also brings up how much I miss him and that hurts deeply as well . I think from your photos... that your buckaroo felt your closeness too and would not want you to feel badly... he wanted the best for you as well ... Time does heal all wounds but we will never forget our furkids .... I know I won't because I still think about my 1st golden and he passed over 30 years ago ... I hope this helps my Mac passed Feb 15th and it will be a raw open wound until some time passes !


----------



## jdavisryan (Jan 28, 2018)

Thank you for sharing the photos of your beautiful, happy dogs. Koby clearly had a wonderful life filled with love and devotion and although you'll always miss him I believe the grief and doubt will subside with time. I've been through this heartbreak too many times, and have also questioned our choices, wondering if we should have done more. For us, the question was always "are we doing this because it's helping our friend or because we can't bear to let him go?" My sincere sympathies.


----------



## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Koby's Mom*

I know how you feel. Ken and I have been through the heartbreak four times with our own dogs and twice with my parents. I think YOU ALWAYS SECOND GUESS YOURSELF, which is so futile.
I try to put my trust in what the vet says and look at the quality of life our dog will have, but I did the second guessing, too. Koby had a wonderful life with you and Kai and I am sure he is grateful that he is not suffering and his playing with all of our dogs at the Rainbow Bridge.
Keep talking about how you feel. We are all here to listen and support you. This forum helped me immensely when we lost our babies. I don't believe there are enough tests or time in the world, to ever make us feel sure.


----------



## GoldenMom999 (Apr 14, 2017)

You did make the right decisions. When I brought my girl in the vet said her heart was bad. I had an echo done to see because that was not invasive. Then I had a choice, they could do a bunch of invasive tests, drain the fluid from her belly with a giant needle and then put her on very strong medication to help her heart beat. And then my vet asked me, "What will her quality of life be even if we get her through today's crisis?" Without hesitation I said, "Still bad." And then I knew, it was just enough. Yes, I felt guilty afterwards...did I do enough, did I give up too soon? But everyone of my friends told me I did right by my dog. I took care of her always ....no matter what. And no matter how much it hurt for me to say goodbye, I did, for her. And it still hurts...it's been almost two years. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and miss her. I don't think that will ever go away....but it does get not as bad. Now I can remember the good times too and smile. And I know now with 100% certainty that I would do the same thing for her again..


----------



## Gleepers (Apr 20, 2016)

I’m so sorry for your loss. Nothing is going to make it suck any less. 
Loosing a dog is almost worse than loosing a family member I think. Perhaps not like a spouse or a child (I luckily haven’t experienced those) but you just lost a constant in your life and it leaves quite the hole. 
The flip side of you what if’s are if you had continued with diagnostics and treatment might you have waited to long? Would Koby have suffered long after he needed to? Would further tests just have delayed the enevitable? 
There are no good answers. 

Give yourself permission to grieve. It’s a normal process and it takes time. A little bit you might never get over. The ashes of my sweet doggies who passed in 2015 are still on my kitchen desk. I can’t bring myself to do anything with them. Their portraits hang in my living room always keeping an eye on things. 
I’ve moved on. I’ve got 2 wonderful young dogs now and I adore them but they don’t actually replace the ones I lost. They just represent the current chapter of my life. 

Hugs to you.


----------



## BrianO (Apr 7, 2016)

I am sorry for your loss.

You had a beautiful pup and shared loving home. I can see that in every face in your photos. The eyes tell a story of love, trust, and happiness.

Know that if you had not chosen this peaceful sleep, there would still be What Ifs. What if I let him go too long? What if he was suffering and stoic through pain? What if I kept him hanging on selfishly? What if I let him go at the vet he loved instead of in the middle of the night at this stressful emergency clinic? ....

Don’t beat yourself up. You had no control of the illness. You did control the end of suffering. You did control dignity. You made the most difficult but also most loving choice.

Give yourself permission to be at peace.

Brian


----------



## puddles everywhere (May 13, 2016)

I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful boy Kobe was and look at that happy face. You provided him with a wonderful life and understand the hole it leaves in your heart.
I went through the same feelings when I lost my Mollie at 4 yrs old from kidney failure. It happened so suddenly, threw up on Sunday night and was gone in 6 days. It was a horrible and LONG week.
I had taken her to my trusted vet of 50 yrs for a kidney infection just 9 months earlier. Looking back I believe this is when she lost the 1st kidney. Medication was given and even did the followup blood test as I just didn't feel like everything was back to normal. But all signs said she was fine. She must have been struggling with this though and I just didn't see it. We relocated to a fixer upper in another town and there was lots of chaos/construction and feel if there were any signs I blew them off as change of venue & water. 

Oh how I wish I could do this year over. I blame myself for not forcing the vet to do a culture, hindsight? I got so wrapped up in selling my home of 35 yrs, giving away furniture.. I can't help but feel I missed something. She never missed a meal or a moment of tennis ball chasing, completed her CDX without a problem. I should have paid more attention.

Sadly you can't change the past or predict the future. All we have is today.

I do have to say when my new girl Sipsy arrived with a UTI I went through 3 vets to find a clinic that would do a culture. I can't change the past but can certainly learn from it!


----------



## Kobys_mom (Feb 19, 2018)

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind and understanding responses. I think it really helped to read about how if we'd have let him go on longer, we would have still had the "what-ifs", and this time it would have to do with Koby suffering when he didn't deserve that. 

Didn't sleep much last night, but hoping it will get better. And, poor Kai - he's just following us around and I've caught him crying a few times - once when asleep, once when not. I know he's grieving and doesn't know where his buddy is. 

Thanks again to all. 

Theresa


----------



## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

You pictures of Koby are beautiful. Please please please don't beat yourself up over the "what ifs" because it is very clear that your love for Koby is first in your heart. You made the best choice possible under terrible circumstances. We have lost 6 goldens over the years but two of those losses haunt me to this day. Did I do all that I could have, did I make the right decision, was it too soon and all those questions put so much hurt and pain in my heart. When we made the decision to let Gambler go (he was only 7 1/2) the emergency vet said " you have chosen to be the one to suffer so your dear sweet boy no longer will suffer". Those word meant a lot to me and I think about them daily. My breeder told us it is best a day too early than a minute too late. Koby will live on in your heart and now he is pain free and watching over you.


----------



## Kobys_mom (Feb 19, 2018)

gold4me said:


> You pictures of Koby are beautiful. Please please please don't beat yourself up over the "what ifs" because it is very clear that your love for Koby is first in your heart. You made the best choice possible under terrible circumstances. We have lost 6 goldens over the years but two of those losses haunt me to this day. Did I do all that I could have, did I make the right decision, was it too soon and all those questions put so much hurt and pain in my heart. When we made the decision to let Gambler go (he was only 7 1/2) the emergency vet said " you have chosen to be the one to suffer so your dear sweet boy no longer will suffer". Those word meant a lot to me and I think about them daily. My breeder told us it is best a day too early than a minute too late. Koby will live on in your heart and now he is pain free and watching over you.


Thank you so much - that advice from your vet and your breeder is perfect. It helps me a lot. <3


----------



## Our3dogs (Apr 3, 2008)

I am sorry to hear about Koby. As with everyone above, we have been in your spot 4 times. With our first one, the Vet said to me the very same thing as gold4me's breeder - better a day early, then to come home and find out it is too late. I have never forgotten that in 20 years. It truly does get better. But I can't lie, it will take time. But one day you notice, you can remember and not have it hurt as much. I sometimes have felt worse for the pet left behind as they truly don't understand. Just try to do different things with Kai to break up what was once the normal routine for him. A big hug to all of you!


----------



## Catgondek (Jul 3, 2017)

I wish both vets (and people doctors) wouldnt tell us options and then make us wonder if we make the right choice. How can we kniw! You did what you felt was the best decision. You probably prevented a lot of pain and misery. We can help our dogs to avoid that and it is too bad we dont do the same thing for people!

I hope you have some peace although I would guess the pain will go on for you. Your pictures are beautiful. Koby was surely loved and well cared for. While you may still feel some “if only” i hope you can stop wondering about the choices you made. The vets did their best, so did you.


----------



## KiwiD (Jan 14, 2008)

I’m so sorry for the loss of your boy Koby. The pictures you posted are beautiful and one day you’ll be able to look at them with a loving smile instead of tears, the amount of time it takes to get to that point is different for everyone. I think you made the kindest decision you could for Koby based on the situation. 

When we lost our first Golden in 2011 I was an absolute mess for a long, long time. She had hemangiosarcoma and had outlived the prognosis she was given but nothing could have prepared me for the immense grief I experienced the day she collapsed and we had to make the decision to let her go. I cried for weeks, I couldn’t even move any of the dog toys or dog dishes from the place where she last left them as I felt moving anything would make it real that she was never coming back again. Be kind to yourself during this process, it takes time and you have a great group here to listen anytime you need. Give your boy Kai a hug for me...


----------



## 3 goldens (Sep 30, 2005)

In May 1997 My Irish Setter, who was 12 years 3 months old, started limping on one back leg. He had arthritis in his hips and we thought--that Friday--it was his arthritis acting up. By Monday it was worse, we took him and without all the ins and outs, he had a very aggressive bone cancer in his knee. Our choices were amputate THAT DAY, take a few days to spend with him and by then he would not be eating or getting around, so let him go, or do nothing and just let him go on his own. My vet knew we would never opt for the last choice. We so wanted to say amputate, but Boots was almost 12 1/2 and arthritis, no guarantee it had not spread We could put him their the surgery just to lose in days or couple of weeks. We opted for the few days. But those few days turned into exactly 10 1/2 weeks of going to the "beach (fi9shing in the bay with me me) every day, having all the doggy no no food like little bits of chocolate, and all the fruits and veggies he wanted (he loved them) and he got the same dessert each night that we had. He put on weight instead of losing it. I had him to the beach July 8 and he didn't spend as much time messing with crabs in shallow water or trying to catch shore birds, or swimming. In my heart I knew that was bad--but he ate just fine. The next day he went to get in his spot on the sofa and fell and couldn't get up. I decided to let him go then, even tho I knew I could have a few more days with him. This way he enjoyed life up until the end, no suffering, was able to do what he loved to do, etc. At first hubby was so upset and said I had "killed him". but over the years, he knows I did it for Boots. But I did wonder from time to time what if we had amputated. But in my heart I know it would have been wrong to have put him thru that at his age and wo little chance of good coming from it.


Now I will talk about guilt. In 2003 I had a wonderful golden pair, litter mates, named KayCee and Hunter (avatar). He was one golden who was not a chow hound. He wouldn't pick up and eat anything dropped on the floor, would eat a few bites, go play, come back and eat. He didn't' want candy or chips or anything. I always worried that me might not chew and swallow his Interceptor heart worm prevention tablet and here on the Texas coast, no prevention means Heart worms for sure. My vet told me about ProHeart6 injetions, and I decided to go that way--and it killed him. He was one of thousands that died in the first 4 years it was out (then it was pulled for almost 4 years to be reformulated, and then came back). He was 4 years, 2 months old and was my heart dog. I loved him no more than his sister or our other two goldens, but there was a bond that everyone saw and commented on. I had never used computer, went to our tiny town library and they showed me how and IU was shocked to learn about all the horror stores of other dogs that had died, in some cases people lost 2 or lost one and had one very sick for a long time. And my guilt flared up so much I had trouble sleeping, eating. If only I had researched ProHeart6 before allowing Hunter to have it, He was dead becaue of me. I was suppose to look after him and I had killed him. I lost 40 pounds in 8 months. And I was in contact with so many that had lost a dog/dogs to it and some of us are still in close contact. And almost all of us felt guilt that we had not found out more about it before we allowed it to be put in our dogs. One lady in Colorado took all 3 of hers in the same day, and lost two and the 3rd was on meds the rest of his life.


I know now I am not at fault. I listened to me vet who listened to the sales rep from Fort Dodge. Later my vet said he believe it to be the "slurry" the drug was in that actually caused all the reactions. I grew up in the ear where you listened to and followed instructions from your vet, your doctor, etc, etc. We didn't have computers to check out things and it never crossed my mind. Now, by gum, I check out everything.


Guilt is normal. Since Aug. 2014 I have had to let 3 dogs go. Honey was a 13+ year old golden who most took to be 3-4 years old until her last two weeks---lymphoma. She died 2 weeks after diagnosis. One month and 10 days, our blind 7 year old Great Pyrenees didn't want to get up one morning. Got him to the vet, he was bleeding out from a ruptured tumor on his spleen. Nothing could be done but to have my vet release him then rather than wait until he went on his own, suffereing. Then Oct. 2016, our almost 1year old golden Sophie. As with Shaggy, the Pyr, fine one day, not get up the next morning and same thing only he ruptured tumor was on her liver.


It is natural to wonder "what if" and "If only", but truth be told, none of us are magicians, or card readers who can tell the furture. We just have to do what we think best. I did right by my dogs and I know you did right by your beautiful boy.


----------



## Ivyacres (Jun 3, 2011)

I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing those pics of Koby and Kai.
Many of us have second guessed the difficult decisions we've made when the end is coming for our beloved fur babies. 
Please try to remember your decision was made out of love, and the days will slowly get better as you grieve your loss of Koby. The memories will become bittersweet, some bringing a smile others a tear.
Saying a prayer for you.


----------



## GOLDENinspired (Sep 4, 2017)

Koby's Mom-

Grief comes in so many forms and I think guilt is one of them.

We lost our amazing boy Hunter on September 2nd. We had known for two months that hemangiosarcoma was coming to take him once and for all. While we are so very thankful and blessed for the two months we had with him, it came at a price and Hunter paid for it. We saw it the first two weeks post-op and the last five days of his life. Those days still haunt me and I have said to a few people, had we known then, what we know now, we may not have made the same decision. Neither path brings him back, rebalances our household or makes life feel normal again.

Does time help? Yes, of course we know that, but how long who knows?

The vacuum of not having our baby has finally propelled me out of inertia and into action to actively volunteering for our local golden retriever rescue group and to learn more about and support canine cancer research. With time, I believe the purpose of this tragic life event you are enduring will avail itself to you too. Keep the faith.


----------



## KKaren (Oct 29, 2014)

Kobys_mom said:


> Hi- I can't sleep so thought I'd write here where I know you all understand. This is Koby's mom again, and after making the heart-wrenching decision to let him go on Tuesday night, I can't stop thinking about him, can't stop tearing up whenever I think about him, see his picture, or read all the wonderful messages to me on my facebook page. I think what I feel most and what's making me hurt so much more is the feeling of guilt. Did we do the right thing, deciding not to have the surgical biopsy?
> ...
> 
> Has anyone else gone through this? Why can't I just accept that the vets did know what they were doing and make the right recommendations, that I so faithfully followed? I miss my buddy. He was definitely my dog version of a soul mate.


Koby's Mom, Thank you for sharing so many wonderful pictures of Koby and Kai. I'm so sorry for your pain. What you are feeling and thinking is how I felt also... and the question "Did we do the right thing" was also one that I struggled with. 

Part of my grief was that I search and search the literature online for solutions that I must have missed for my Merry. And then I wondered if I gave up on her. One day I read about a water therapy program that was reasonably near and I thought that if I had only known about this and if I had taken her there she would have been OK. 

But I know now, that at least for me, there was never going to be the "right" time when you love that deeply.

You and your family made the very best decision that you could with love and with consultation of your vets. 

I hope that you will find comfort as you move forward. Be kind to yourself. Hugs


----------



## Berna (Jun 14, 2016)

I am really sorry. You mentioned he had low protein, so I guess it was indeed cancer. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. You did right by him.


----------



## dgalow (Jan 23, 2018)

What a beauty.
We were in your shoes in January. Hardest decision we EVER made. We watched Rudy get worse, and when we finally felt it was time, we asked the vet when she came out if we were making the right decision. Her words helped A LOT.....
It takes courage to see him so close to the end of his life and help him cross. Nobody puts a dog down because they want to. Actually, it is a selfless act to allow him to cross when he is not in severe pain. She relayed a story of a person who waited "just a bit more time" and how bad his last days were.
Could Koby have had a few days more? Perhaps. But know that he is free of pain and watching you now.
I miss Rudy terribly, but it does get easier. The first weeks were filled with such sadness, but now, 2 months later, we can laugh at some of the things he did. Pictures of him make my heart full, not empty. 
Thoughts and prayers for you to get to a peaceful place with the passing of Koby.


----------



## Kobys_mom (Feb 19, 2018)

Laura Hudson Hamre said:


> Koby's Mom-
> 
> Grief comes in so many forms and I think guilt is one of them.
> 
> ...


What a wonderful way to honor Hunter's memory. <3


----------



## Chrislawrence8 (Jun 30, 2018)

I am in your exact shoes since this past Tuesday. Over the past month my Wrigley became anorexic, chronic vomiting, diarrhea, black stools, lost 11 lbs, drank excessive water circled around the hallways at night lickingchis lips and panting and was lerhargic. His blood tests only revealed a high wbc and xray showed nothing. The medicine for a suspected infection didnt help and he got worse by the day. Since the blood tests and xray couldnt explain it we fear it was stomach cancer and elected to have him put down. He passed peacefully but I still regret not having that ultrasound to confirm our fear of cancer.


----------



## lloyddobler (Nov 30, 2014)

Im so sorry for the loss of your Wrigley. As all the previous posts show, we all second guess our decisions. However, none of us would choose to end their time with us if it were not the best thing for our best friends. Its easy to go back and second guess, but in the moment we knew what was right. We have to let ourselves trust in that. 

My Molly collapsed completely unexpectedly after a walk one Sunday afternoon and I learned she had a hemacarcinoma that burst. The vet gave me the option of surgery to save her to give her more time but he said it would likely not be quality time. I opted to let her go as it felt selfish to only prolong her time with lessened quality of life. 5 years later, I still tear up when I think back to that day. But, after a ton of questioning over the years, I now realize I likely would have had more regret trying to prolong her time as it would have been for me and not her. 

I hope you are able to find peace and surround yourself with all the happy memories youd shared.


----------



## Chrislawrence8 (Jun 30, 2018)

This forum has been money for me. I think of where I was a few days ago and where I am now and its been a major step in the right direction. This was my 1st dog and 1st loss of someone close in my life so it hit me extra hard. I still tear up, but have been able to smile and laugh and talk about Wrigley tody with fond memories and not so much guilt. Ahhhh time will help but its a start! Thank you everyone. I hope to pay the good deed forward to those who need comfort too.


----------



## Merlins mom (Jun 20, 2007)

Dear Koby's mom, your post made me cry because I am going through the same thing after losing Merlin just a week ago. Questioning everything. But reading through all the responses to this thread has helped me so much, and I hope it has also helped you.


Your Koby was beautiful. And that first photo took my breath away. I love the softness in his face and I can see the love in his eyes. I'm so sorry that you had to say goodbye. 



Hugs,
Sarah


----------



## HenryandOliver (Aug 15, 2013)

Kobys_mom said:


> Hi- I can't sleep so thought I'd write here where I know you all understand. This is Koby's mom again, and after making the heart-wrenching decision to let him go on Tuesday night, I can't stop thinking about him, can't stop tearing up whenever I think about him, see his picture, or read all the wonderful messages to me on my facebook page. I think what I feel most and what's making me hurt so much more is the feeling of guilt. Did we do the right thing, deciding not to have the surgical biopsy? That, I think we did because of the risks, but what if it'd been okay and we'd have been able to get an absolute diagnosis. Without that diagnosis, we didn't know for sure what we were treating - Inflammatory Bowel, or intestinal lymphoma. Would it have made a difference? What if the prednisone wasn't what caused his muscle wasting and weakness and we should have kept him on that? Why didn't I ask for one more ultrasound, just to see if there were any changes? So many things that I'm beating myself up over now. I just feel like maybe he might have someday turned around. I know that in all likelihood, it was lymphoma. That, that's why his muscles were wasting and he was getting so weak. But, what it it wasn't? The vet seemed to think so. But, still - the questions won't leave my mind....... Seeing him get so much worse in the last couple days - when just a week before that, we had him at the beach, was heartbreaking. But, I can't get it out of my mind that maybe, just maybe, he might have gotten better. Making that decision to put him down was the worst kind of guilt. I find myself crying all the time. And my husband does too. And, our other golden, Kai, just seems so lost. Koby was 4 when we got Kai, so Kai doesn't know what it's like to not have his big brother here, sleeping beside him. It's breaking my heart.
> 
> Has anyone else gone through this? Why can't I just accept that the vets did know what they were doing and make the right recommendations, that I so faithfully followed? I miss my buddy. He was definitely my dog version of a soul mate.


I am so very sorry and can relate. We lost our Oliver 3 months ago and I had the same guilt and thoughts of what if...it's tragic when there is such a quick decline. We opted out of a biopsy as well because of the risks and because of vet opinion. We were left with hemangiasarcoma vs. bacterial infection. We did have a bacteria test, but it came up negative. The day we took him in, our usual vet wasnt there and it was very difficult because the vet we saw was a GR lover and insisted on making sure it was not bacterial, because to him, it mimicked bacterial more than cancer. UGH. We had been to a specialist 2x and had 3 vet opinons that all concluded it was cancer. He didn't read the reports and see that we had already tested for bacterial. After I explained everything, he looked through the file and determined that we had done all we could with the exception of a biopsy. To this day, I still wonder....not a good feeling at all. 

It sounds like you did everything you could and I know how hard it is when these thoughts keep popping up. It does get easier. I went through denial and maybe the "what ifs" are part of the grieving process. Be kind to yourself. Koby was such a handsome boy and I know how your heart must be hurting. Allow yourself to grieve. Hugs, Kim


----------

