# Trying to be Normal



## laprincessa (Mar 24, 2008)

Perhaps............you may be misunderstanding what your real purpose is? If something is so difficult, and so many obstacles are thrown in your path, it doesn't always mean your faith is being tested - it sometimes means you should open up to the idea that there's something else you should be doing.
You and Mercy do great work together, maybe there's some other way you could fulfill your dream?


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## Zach (May 19, 2014)

Good luck to you...


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## TheZ's (Jun 13, 2011)

I would try to focus on your successes rather than the things that haven't gone the way you'd like. You said you're scheduled for a library visit. Relax and try to enjoy it with Mercy. Make sure you understand what the expected routine is and follow it. Continue on with the assisted living visits if you want to be part of an organized program. With respect to the special needs children, I would expect that those intrusted with their care are very cautious and will err on the side of being over protective.

At some point I realized that these dogs don't need to be part of a recognized program in order to provide comfort and love to others. The opportunities will present themselves if you get out and about with your well behaved Golden, just as you're doing in your signature picture.


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## Brave (Oct 26, 2012)

Hi Janet and Mercy!!

First off, you ARE normal. You are perfect in every way because you are YOU and that is how you were made. 

Second there is no such thing as "normal" in the sense that there is a specific way all people act or relate to others. 

If you find your having a hard time relating to others or being social in certain situations, it's ok to ask for help. You made mention that you know you need therapy. So maybe nows the time to look into getting a therapist or seeing a psychologist who is familiar with the struggles of autism and bi-polar. A therapist would be able to help you find tools to make social interactions less awkward for you, if that is the concern. 

I haven't read your blog yet, but I know you see Mercy as a way to spread the word of God. Perhaps you can take a silent step and SHOW the world the values of your faith, instead of preaching them. Be an example of Christ's teachings in action, not word. That way IF (and that's an if because I'm not there and I don't know why the therapy groups have excluded you, if they have at all) evangelism was the reason you were declined to participate, it wouldn't be a problem moving forward. 

And this by no means stops you from evangelizing. It would just be evangelizing with actions instead of words. And if someone is moved by your testament, they will open up to you, regardless because actions speak louder than words (and oftentimes are able to reach people faster than words ever could).

In the meantime, you can get certification from more general therapy dog groups (like TDI, since it seems Manassas Therapy Dogs are a charter of TDI). 

In the end, being a beacon of light and hope goes a long way. 

I wish you the best.


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## SwimDog (Sep 28, 2014)

Have you found a religious centered therapy program in another part of the country? Could you take a trip there to visit and see how they have things set up? It may be that it's more appropriate to start a program specifically geared towards that rather than fitting into a different style of program? I have a friend who wanted to do therapy work geared towards occupational/rehab therapy so she traveled to Arizona for a few weeks to do an (unpaid) internship there and came home with so many great ideas to make it happen out here in the midwest. 

It's not so much about being 'normal' but about finding the best way to do the kinds of things you want to do. It's not necessary for you to change or to change other programs, but instead find ways to create the opportunities.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

TheZ's said:


> I would try to focus on your successes rather than the things that haven't gone the way you'd like. You said you're scheduled for a library visit. Relax and try to enjoy it with Mercy. Make sure you understand what the expected routine is and follow it. Continue on with the assisted living visits if you want to be part of an organized program. With respect to the special needs children, I would expect that those intrusted with their care are very cautious and will err on the side of being over protective.
> 
> At some point I realized that these dogs don't need to be part of a recognized program in order to provide comfort and love to others. The opportunities will present themselves if you get out and about with your well behaved Golden, just as you're doing in your signature picture.


I know I know. I think what it is is that I so long to connect with other people with Mercy period. I can hardly wait until the Maryland Dog Fest tomorrow.:hyper:


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

Brave said:


> Hi Janet and Mercy!!
> 
> First off, you ARE normal. You are perfect in every way because you are YOU and that is how you were made.
> 
> ...


Actually, the local therapy dog group I belong to that I was referring as the un-Christian one is Manassas Therapy Dogs.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

SwimDog said:


> Have you found a religious centered therapy program in another part of the country? Could you take a trip there to visit and see how they have things set up? It may be that it's more appropriate to start a program specifically geared towards that rather than fitting into a different style of program? I have a friend who wanted to do therapy work geared towards occupational/rehab therapy so she traveled to Arizona for a few weeks to do an (unpaid) internship there and came home with so many great ideas to make it happen out here in the midwest.
> 
> It's not so much about being 'normal' but about finding the best way to do the kinds of things you want to do. It's not necessary for you to change or to change other programs, but instead find ways to create the opportunities.


Actually, I so wish I could leave the Washington D.C. area so badly since I can see things are just not working here. Even before I got Mercy, I have been longing to get out of the D.C. Area. I just don't belong here! But I am dependant on the income I make here, so unless I take a BIG risk of losing everything it doesn't look like I will be able to leave D.C. Maybe I just need to have more courage to risk everything, (Yikes!, Gulp!) I would love to move to Tennessee for instance since they have many at risk youth therapy dog missions. 

I am visiting Toronto next month so I can see a totally new world and way of living and to try to find myself. I even saw how they had an amazing therapy dog program for bullied at-risk-youth in the area, which is more up my alley. I wasn't even searching for Toronto when I found this cool site, but was searching for therapy dogs and youth and bullies, and found something in Toronto. I would have to look for it again. I am mostly sight-seeing there, but perhaps if I have time I could meet with someone who is passionate for a cause that is simular to mine. Either way, the Toronto trip will be very inspirational and educational for me. Besides, I've got to get out of the states for a bit before I go cuckoo! :jester:I so desperately need the fresh perspective!


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## Rumple’s Mom (Apr 1, 2015)

Are you bringing Mercy with you to Toronto? I'm from the States, but live in the Toronto area now. We used to cross the border with our old dog all the time.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

Flava said:


> Are you bringing Mercy with you to Toronto? I'm from the States, but live in the Toronto area now. We used to cross the border with our old dog all the time.


No, but I wish I was!


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## Jersey's Mom (Nov 25, 2007)

It is really tough to get to work with kids. The groups that organize services truly walk on egg shells because the risks, and the liabilities, are so high. I know that working with kids has been a strong desire of yours -- and I don't say any of this to belittle that -- but I kind of agree with laprincessa that perhaps you might need to revisit whether this is truly your calling. You refer to disabled or delayed children as being under served. Perhaps you hold this view because of your experiences growing up. But the way things are now, it seems EVERYBODY wants to serve these kids. Where I see the greatest lack of services is in the population of young adults: the ones who are physically fully grown but who are not emotionally or psychologically matched to their physique. 

There is a family from my home state whom I love as an extension of my own family. I have seen them go through some of the most dire struggles one could imagine but they always bounce back better and stronger. Until recently. The 19 year old son in this family, Parker, is autistic, has Tourette's, has diabetes (is on an insulin pump), had to have heart surgery about 5 years ago for a congenital defect, and has an anxiety disorder. Once he finished high school and reached some predetermined age of maturity, it seemed as though there wasn't much of anything for him in the way of support or services. His family is amazing and he has a world of support from them but they struggle in a way to respect his adulthood while trying to keep him safe. Unfortunately, an over abundance of time on his hands (he is still receiving educational services to help him develop the skills he will need to hold a job but it still leaves plenty of free time) in addition to a strong desire for social ties to peers left him exceedingly vulnerable. A few months ago, two young men he knew from high school dared him to jump into the freezing cold ocean and stay there for 1 minute. They brought him out to the edge of a jetty where his only choice to get out of the water was to swim all the way back to shore. This took far more than 1 minute -- in excess of 5 minutes. He never comprehended how cold the water would be and never thought about how he would get out of the water... he just didn't know any better. His insulin pump froze in the water and stopped working. The waves were crashing hard over him and he thought he was going to drown. He called for help but the two monsters there with him laughed and heckled him, all the while filming the ordeal -- which they later posted on social media. Parker was exceedingly lucky that he only suffered hypothermia and neither the frigid water nor his diabetes took his life. He is struggling very badly since this event with anxiety and PTSD but he is a strong young man who is raising awareness for stronger laws in his state and around the country to protect adults with disabilities from this type of abusive endangerment. The prosecuting attorney was unable to indict them for any crime with the current laws in place. Parker and his family have pressed charges on the basis of Endangering the Welfare of an Incompetent Person but this is only a disorderly persons offense and carries a very light penalty. It has been a nightmare for my young friend, for his family, and for all of us who love him. I tell you this story to make an important point: how much better off would Parker have been if there had been a local support group for young adults with developmental delays or other disabilities to allow him the opportunity he was looking for to connect socially with peers -- complete with a therapy dog or two to bond with? What would starting a group like that mean to young (or older) adults in your area? 

Serving children is a very noble ambition -- but nowadays it is much more difficult to call these children under served. There is so much available to them through the education system and other services. There is never a shortage of volunteers to help the adorable little ones. It is the folks who graduate from those schools and services that find once they are grown and no longer "cute" that there is no one around to reach out to them. Just something for you to consider. 

Julie and the boys


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## SheetsSM (Jan 17, 2008)

MercyMom said:


> Actually, I so wish I could leave the Washington D.C. area so badly since I can see things are just not working here. Even before I got Mercy, I have been longing to get out of the D.C. Area. I just don't belong here! But I am dependant on the income I make here, so unless I take a BIG risk of losing everything it doesn't look like I will be able to leave D.C. Maybe I just need to have more courage to risk everything, (Yikes!, Gulp!) I would love to move to Tennessee for instance since they have many at risk youth therapy dog missions.


So I've been moving on average every 18mos w/ my job--numerous states & countries...the grass is rarely greener on the other side, it's taken me many years to accept this. That being said, if you move to an area w/ a lower cost of living, you can get by w/ a decrease in your pay. The DC area is outrageous!


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Mercy Mom*



MercyMom said:


> Actually, I so wish I could leave the Washington D.C. area so badly since I can see things are just not working here. Even before I got Mercy, I have been longing to get out of the D.C. Area. I just don't belong here! But I am dependant on the income I make here, so unless I take a BIG risk of losing everything it doesn't look like I will be able to leave D.C. Maybe I just need to have more courage to risk everything, (Yikes!, Gulp!) I would love to move to Tennessee for instance since they have many at risk youth therapy dog missions.
> 
> I am visiting Toronto next month so I can see a totally new world and way of living and to try to find myself. I even saw how they had an amazing therapy dog program for bullied at-risk-youth in the area, which is more up my alley. I wasn't even searching for Toronto when I found this cool site, but was searching for therapy dogs and youth and bullies, and found something in Toronto. I would have to look for it again. I am mostly sight-seeing there, but perhaps if I have time I could meet with someone who is passionate for a cause that is simular to mine. Either way, the Toronto trip will be very inspirational and educational for me. Besides, I've got to get out of the states for a bit before I go cuckoo! :jester:I so desperately need the fresh perspective!


Mercy Mom: I've always found you to be such a kind and loving person. You need to accept yourself as you are, and for those who don't like you, it is their loss and I wouldn't waste my time on them!
My Mom always told me you really only need one or two good friends in this life and I've come to learn that she was so right!


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

Jersey's Mom said:


> It is really tough to get to work with kids. The groups that organize services truly walk on egg shells because the risks, and the liabilities, are so high. I know that working with kids has been a strong desire of yours -- and I don't say any of this to belittle that -- but I kind of agree with laprincessa that perhaps you might need to revisit whether this is truly your calling. You refer to disabled or delayed children as being under served. Perhaps you hold this view because of your experiences growing up. But the way things are now, it seems EVERYBODY wants to serve these kids. Where I see the greatest lack of services is in the population of young adults: the ones who are physically fully grown but who are not emotionally or psychologically matched to their physique.
> 
> There is a family from my home state whom I love as an extension of my own family. I have seen them go through some of the most dire struggles one could imagine but they always bounce back better and stronger. Until recently. The 19 year old son in this family, Parker, is autistic, has Tourette's, has diabetes (is on an insulin pump), had to have heart surgery about 5 years ago for a congenital defect, and has an anxiety disorder. Once he finished high school and reached some predetermined age of maturity, it seemed as though there wasn't much of anything for him in the way of support or services. His family is amazing and he has a world of support from them but they struggle in a way to respect his adulthood while trying to keep him safe. Unfortunately, an over abundance of time on his hands (he is still receiving educational services to help him develop the skills he will need to hold a job but it still leaves plenty of free time) in addition to a strong desire for social ties to peers left him exceedingly vulnerable. A few months ago, two young men he knew from high school dared him to jump into the freezing cold ocean and stay there for 1 minute. They brought him out to the edge of a jetty where his only choice to get out of the water was to swim all the way back to shore. This took far more than 1 minute -- in excess of 5 minutes. He never comprehended how cold the water would be and never thought about how he would get out of the water... he just didn't know any better. His insulin pump froze in the water and stopped working. The waves were crashing hard over him and he thought he was going to drown. He called for help but the two monsters there with him laughed and heckled him, all the while filming the ordeal -- which they later posted on social media. Parker was exceedingly lucky that he only suffered hypothermia and neither the frigid water nor his diabetes took his life. He is struggling very badly since this event with anxiety and PTSD but he is a strong young man who is raising awareness for stronger laws in his state and around the country to protect adults with disabilities from this type of abusive endangerment. The prosecuting attorney was unable to indict them for any crime with the current laws in place. Parker and his family have pressed charges on the basis of Endangering the Welfare of an Incompetent Person but this is only a disorderly persons offense and carries a very light penalty. It has been a nightmare for my young friend, for his family, and for all of us who love him. I tell you this story to make an important point: how much better off would Parker have been if there had been a local support group for young adults with developmental delays or other disabilities to allow him the opportunity he was looking for to connect socially with peers -- complete with a therapy dog or two to bond with? What would starting a group like that mean to young (or older) adults in your area?
> 
> ...


That's a fabulous idea actually! My heart actually goes out to young adults on the spectrum more, since they have no voice and suffer silently. I can relate to them and identify with them because in a sense, I am one of them. I am 39 though and I managed to make it on my own from age 21 on. I had to learn to grow up quickly as my mom got breast cancer in 1995 when I was 19 and died in 1997 when I was 21. My dad died when I was 8. I didn't even know I was on the spectrum until age 35 in 2011. 

The reason why I am passionate about kids is I can see there are lots of kids either disabled, in trouble with the law, being bullied, mentally ill or in a bad home environment. You're right, there are not enough programs for Autistic adults and there should be. I thought I would be a part of an existing program before venturing on my own. You bet I would much rather serve where the need is greater, and I agree that the disabled kids are not so underserved as before since they have tons of programs for them. My autistic son is getting a lot of help. I wish there were programs for autistic adults since I am struggling still to make it in life. I actually tried to start a meet-up group that I wanted to become a ministry because of my struggles, hoping that if I put my head together with other like minded individuals with similar struggles that we would be able to start a ministry to help people with social barriers whether due to mental illness, broken heart, or autism. I hardly got any takers though, and had to close. With my having poor social skills, I don't actually have what it takes to be a leader for the time being, but I will work towards it if given the chance. My boss even suggested that if I could provide solutions for my coworkers problems, that would build my way up to becoming a good leader. I don't see myself as someone who has answers for most people, but want that to change. My heart goes out to Parker. What a remarkable story. You bet I want to help adults on the spectrum, since they are at risk of falling through the cracks of society more than anybody else. I want to start something like that, but I got to find my way out of my own paper bag first.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

SheetsSM said:


> So I've been moving on average every 18mos w/ my job--numerous states & countries...the grass is rarely greener on the other side, it's taken me many years to accept this. That being said, if you move to an area w/ a lower cost of living, you can get by w/ a decrease in your pay. The DC area is outrageous!


I grew up in the DC area. It *is* outrageous! I have been longing so badly to move, but don't have the slightest idea how since I am financially dependent on my government job. So I just stay on the hamster wheel keeping it going like the bus in the Speed movie so my life doesn't explode!::lol:


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

Karen519 said:


> Mercy Mom: I've always found you to be such a kind and loving person. You need to accept yourself as you are, and for those who don't like you, it is their loss and I wouldn't waste my time on them!
> My Mom always told me you really only need one or two good friends in this life and I've come to learn that she was so right!


Thanks Karen! That helps me a lot.


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## Bentman2 (Sep 30, 2013)

I have read over your blog and some of the posts here, and it seems obvious to me that that God just wants you to be available right now. He doesn't need your help to accomplish His work but He might want to do something special in your life that involves Mercy too, but right now might be putting things in order to accomplish that. If there is anything that I have learned in my Christian journey is that God is not a God of confusion and disorder. He knew all the natural laws (physics, forces, mathematics, etc) that He would use long before He created anything (heavens and earth). Everything is planned very carefully and there is nothing that He has not anticipated. He too knows all of your and my shortcomings and just like Moses, he put Aaron in place to help accomplish His mission. Remember too that His people wandered in the wilderness 40 years before entering their land. God is never late and He has a plan for you, which He has for all His children. You just have to wait and be ready when that time comes. Keep the faith, you will be fine.:wavey:


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## kellyguy (Mar 5, 2014)

"A few months ago, two young men he knew from high school dared him to jump into the freezing cold ocean and stay there for 1 minute"

I simply can't fathom how cretins like these aren't castigated as pariahs on social media. If their "peers" think this is funny or entertaining it demonstrates who is truly "developmentally challenged".


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

Bentman2 said:


> I have read over your blog and some of the posts here, and it seems obvious to me that that God just wants you to be available right now. He doesn't need your help to accomplish His work but He might want to do something special in your life that involves Mercy too, but right now might be putting things in order to accomplish that. If there is anything that I have learned in my Christian journey is that God is not a God of confusion and disorder. He knew all the natural laws (physics, forces, mathematics, etc) that He would use long before He created anything (heavens and earth). Everything is planned very carefully and there is nothing that He has not anticipated. He too knows all of your and my shortcomings and just like Moses, he put Aaron in place to help accomplish His mission. Remember too that His people wandered in the wilderness 40 years before entering their land. God is never late and He has a plan for you, which He has for all His children. You just have to wait and be ready when that time comes. Keep the faith, you will be fine.:wavey:


Thanks so much man! I so look forward to seeing you this summer!


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## Aislinn (Nov 13, 2010)

MercyMom, 

You have such a giving heart. I think the first thing I would say is accept your autism. They say God never gives you more than you can handle. I'd say with all you've already done, he was so right in your abilities. There will be people who don't understand autism, who won't understand you. That is their loss, not yours. Have you ever thought about looking into an adult with autism support group? It may help you in knowing there are others who have similar difficulties at times. Perhaps you and Mercy could help with young adults and even older ones with disabilities. 

I teach children with autism and as others have said, there is so much available now for the young, but not so much for the ones who have graduated. One thing I have noticed through the years is how the use of inclusion classes has changed how other children view peers with disabilities. Yes, they still get teased, but it's more of an 'included' teasing and God help the ones who tease their peers with disabilities, they are like tiger moms protecting one who is 'theirs'. I think in the future it will be easier as they grow up into adults and interact with those with a disability. I know it won't help you now, but the more you and Mercy are out there, the more you are educating your peers. Maybe you could sit down and speak to them privately, one on one, about your disability and asked them to help you find a niche to fill with them.

Perhaps speak to your pastor and be open and honest about your position and ask for his help. Often there are people who are members of a congregation who are home bound and would love visits from you and Mercy. Perhaps through your faith you could find a niche that is open and needs to be filled.

In the meantime, hugs!!!


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

Aislinn said:


> MercyMom,
> 
> You have such a giving heart. I think the first thing I would say is accept your autism. They say God never gives you more than you can handle. I'd say with all you've already done, he was so right in your abilities. There will be people who don't understand autism, who won't understand you. That is their loss, not yours. Have you ever thought about looking into an adult with autism support group? It may help you in knowing there are others who have similar difficulties at times. Perhaps you and Mercy could help with young adults and even older ones with disabilities.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your support! There is an autism support group, but they are in the city 30 miles from me and with my already commuting past the city 50 miles some days, It's just to much to go to the city for it. I would like for them to move into Northern Virginia. I am still praying to God, to provide a niche for me and Mercy.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

*I really messed up, but still need understanding and grace*

I really messed up on the forum. I had/have been growing in confidence in Mercy's capabilities for obedience. I still believe we can do it if we go through the right process. I created a thread in the obedience competition thread stating that I decided to put Mercy in the running for a Beginner's Novice title. I had a concern about a snafu Mercy had. I was trying to decide where to put it, since I was about to see a dog trainer to see if I was ready for BN anyway and thought I would also seek help for Mercy's snafu from the trainer (controllable and reversible dog aggression) opening up about it and sharing it in the thread I already started, rather than starting a whole new thread so only limited people could see it. It turned out to be the worse thing I ever did. After all, this was the Obedience Competition Thread, where if you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch. That phrase has been echoing in my head for the last two days since the responses I received in response to sharing my concerns. By posting a concern in the wrong context (obedience competition) I lost most if not all respect of those people who previously had rooted for me to excel in my Beginner's Novice trial at an upcoming dog show. The people in that thread went from rooting for me, to turning against me 180 degrees in no time flat. I blame myself for having committed the ultimate unorthodox violation of social norms I ever had! With that said, however, the politics in some of the forums are over the top! I was very hurt (whether justified or not) that people had responded to sharing my concern with very insulting unsupportive comments, some of the worst I have ever received on this forum (or perhaps in my whole adult life) accusing me of being a selfish irresponsible dog owner because they thought I would do something as idiotic as taking an aggressive dog to an obedience show where she would terrorize other dogs. Even after I replied back with explanations, I was still not taken any more seriously. I did not like being misunderstood and discredited. Nobody knows my dog better than I do, but I still swallow my pride and turn to others for help, and this is how I get treated for it. (I am probably violating social norms and politics here too.) But, if I cannot express how I feel as I am very passionate about my dog, then I might as well be a zombie.

I ended up starting a new thread from scratch in the general dog training forum, and I got a boatload of support. I thank all of those who have been supportive of me on this forum overall. It is greatly appreciated. So I still have a long way to go before I am considered a fully mature dog owner in some people's eyes. I am working on it. I need patience and grace for I am still learning and only want the best for my dog while still having consideration for others and their dogs. I know this is in the therapy dog forum, but I could not find a better thread for expressing the social clashes I often have with others on the forum than this one. 

I blame myself for poor handling on my part for Mercy's behavior at Goldstock over the weekend, which is why I shared the problem. The dog trainer has already showed me how I need and can have increased control of Mercy with increased confidence and getting her to focus on me.

It seems when I express a lack of confidence or self-doubt on this forum where it most likely wasn't even needed, others have less respect for me. I need to have better self-respect, so that I can garner the respect of others. There have been many issues that I have had with Mercy that I did not even mention on the forum that have all been resolved to complete satisfaction. It's a judgment call how to balance discreetness with opening up with a problem. However, since someone at GoldStock told me they would report me to Therapy Dogs Inc. (now Alliance Therapy Dogs) for Mercy's outbursts, it was something I could not keep to myself. I turn to this forum about my struggles maybe more than is really necessary, especially since I tend to awfulize everything magnifying them too much. I am still on a journey of learning how to be the best dog mom and probably and always will be. I apologize for violating politics sometimes, but I am still trying to fit in while still being true to my self! Thanks for bearing with me guys.


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## jennretz (Jul 24, 2013)

Please don't be so hard on yourself. I haven't read your other thread, but I don't need to. I know you have Mercy's best interest at heart. Some of the best advice I ever received was, "don't give away all your power." People will say what they will. The key is to own how much of it you take to heart. You know that you have Mercy's best interest at heart. You own up to the mistakes you made (or didn't). The rest is just noise and I wouldn't spend more than a second thinking about it.

Big hug!


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## laprincessa (Mar 24, 2008)

I posted in that other thread, and I stand by what I posted. If Mercy is showing aggression to other dogs, she should not be put in a therapy situation, and the person who reported it did the right thing.
I also feel like I don't learn anything when everyone around me tells me that I can do it if I just keep trying, no matter what "it" is. I wanted to be a surgeon when I was growing up, and then I discovered that I faint every time I see blood. I suppose I could have tried to fulfill my dream, but since the first operation I did would have involved many people picking me up off the floor multiple times, I decided to give up that dream. 
I'm sorry that you feel like people stopped supporting or being nice to you. Nothing I said was from a desire to hurt you, but more from a wish to get you to perhaps open your eyes to the possibility that Mercy is not the dog you need to fulfill your dream, and that maybe you should rethink your goals.


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## tikiandme (May 16, 2010)

I agree with jennretz. Try not to be so hard on yourself. If I had a penny for every disappointment I've had concerning my dogs, I'd be a millionaire. Try to move forward with your head up. I have found that many people who say negative and hurtful things to others actually lack confidence in themselves, and in their own abilities. Try not to dwell on that. Hugs to you.


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## Pilgrim123 (Jul 26, 2014)

MercyMom, it seems to me that you've just highlighted the biggest problem with online forums. While there is a great deal of friendship and good will, sometimes there is not enough information given (or considered) to give helpful answers. We, the rest of the forum are not THERE to see what the difficulty is. People jump to conclusions, not knowing what happened or how much effort you've put into what you've both done. And, of course, once a thread is started, sometimes it takes on a life of it's own and ends up discussing something that's not at all useful to the original poster.
The point of all this is that I admire what you are trying to do. Just keep on doing what's best for you and Mercy- it's all any of us can do for ourselves and our dogs (and take any advice only if it makes sense to you!).


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## 4rdogs (Dec 22, 2007)

Being a TDInc Tester/Observer I can not or will I ever turn my head when I see a incident happen with a Therapy dog. If the incident happens doing a visit or in public.
Seeing the incident I had to put in a report. I am not the only one who did 
People were coming up to me and the other Testers/Observers telling us about other incidents that happened that weekend


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## Megora (Jun 7, 2010)

Mercy Mom - I think you misunderstood what I was primarily responding to you about. It had nothing really to do with the obedience stuff - because I actually know of more than a handful dogs who are aggressive that I train around or have trained around. Some of this is breed specific aggression - and the owners are very upfront and protective of the space around their dogs because they know their dogs will rip off the face of somebody's nice golden (or whatever) who got too close. 

Border collies are abundant in obedience - and honestly I only know of 2 that are absolutely wonderful. And one of those was a rescue who had been rehabilitated by his owner. At one point, he had been very fear aggressive and marked dangerous. 

German shepherds - same thing.

The various Belgian dogs - getting more abundant in obedience, and while I don't think the dogs are necessarily aggressive - some of the owners are very protective of their space. 

So my feeling is that as long as dog owners are not going out there and letting everything hang out so to speak... and letting their dogs get into every dog's face and space.... and or moving too quickly in training and not adequately training and proofing a dog beyond the doubt that he will break stays and go after other dogs. 

I honestly don't care whose training or training what - as long as they are responsible for their dogs. 

Now the point that I touched a couple times in your other thread wasn't about the obedience training. It was putting your dog in the position where she is made anxious or threatened enough to go after other dogs. 

You've identified that she's aggressive or reactive - so she should not be turned loose around other people's dogs. Being allowed off leash is the owner's statement that they trust that dog beyond any doubt that they will not go after any dogs or cause any incidents. 

You should not be doing playgroups with her. Letting her off leash some places is fine - as long as there aren't any other dogs around. If you see other dogs around - the leash should go back on and you should assume protective bubble space. That is what I was touching on about being responsible. 

This is a very sensitive issue for me, because I live in a state where we have very visible leash laws for dogs and not too many places where we can go with our dogs and let them off leash - even swimming. 

Nothing more stupid that requiring somebody to keep a 6 foot leash on their dogs while swimming. Because our dogs are generally better swimmers than us. 

The reason why these laws are in place was evident this past weekend when I was leaving the lake I take my dogs swimming... and somebody apparently let their dog get in the space of somebody's else dog. And a dog fight broke out.

Real major issue is people with aggressive dogs letting their dogs off leash. But we ALL are affected when state parks etc crack down on ALL dogs being off leash. Even the nice ones. 

My comment on the other thread was truthful and to the point. I'm not going to patronize you or pat you on the head and tell you everything is OK - when I'm thinking the absolute opposite. Being coddled all the time - it's nice, but it's not always respectful or helpful to people who are asking for help.

I think if the off leash dog park type stuff stops and you really crack down on what interaction you allow between your dog and others (should be none right now) - you will see a big change in your dog calming down and not being as stressed around other dogs. Don't put your dog in positions or places where she's going to fail. It's not fair to the dog. 

Most dog classes and shows are very controlled and you will encounter a lot of people who will not mince or words or try to be nice if your dog gets too close to theirs. This isn't them trying to be mean to you. It's them protecting not only their dog, but yours. And if your dog is showing aggression, you have that same responsibility to be thinking ahead and not putting her in any position where she's going to fail.


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## Bentman2 (Sep 30, 2013)

MercyMom said:


> Thank you so much for your support! There is an autism support group, but they are in the city 30 miles from me and with my already commuting past the city 50 miles some days, It's just to much to go to the city for it. I would like for them to move into Northern Virginia. I am still praying to God, to provide a niche for me and Mercy.


MercyMom, remain steadfast in your search for the niche for you and Mercy. There are more places in God's earth than there are people to fill them. Your time in the sun will come. Sometimes we might not always hear what we need to hear and we become discouraged. I hope you will come to know what to pay attention to on the forum and what to turn your back on. You will make it so keep your head up, smile and do your best. :wavey:


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

jennretz said:


> Please don't be so hard on yourself. I haven't read your other thread, but I don't need to. I know you have Mercy's best interest at heart. Some of the best advice I ever received was, "don't give away all your power." People will say what they will. The key is to own how much of it you take to heart. You know that you have Mercy's best interest at heart. You own up to the mistakes you made (or didn't). The rest is just noise and I wouldn't spend more than a second thinking about it.
> 
> Big hug!


Thanks Jennretz! You're awesome man!


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## SheetsSM (Jan 17, 2008)

I worry about what happens to the kids on the spectrum that grow up--there is so much tolerance, love & support for the little ones, but I don't see that translate so much to adults. 

I am happy I was able to meet Janet & Mercy along with her family this past weekend. The Mercy I saw was a total love bug to me, respective of my space but adored the attention. I also saw Janet w/ Mercy at the group picture & was glad to see Janet working to keep Mercy's attention on her (Janet) and not the other people/dogs. As for the snarkiness, I wasn't witness to it but did hear about it and I will say I don't want my own dogs subjected to any form of aggression. As I have no idea what the rules are for therapy dogs, I would trust in those like Karen to keep us all safe and protective of our ability to participate in this type of therapy. It most definitely is a setback but it's not the end of the world.

Janet, keep working w/ Mercy. You have your own demons to contend w/ as we all do (some just aren't as visible). For me, I have to continually remind myself not to worry what others think of me, but at the same time, be receptive to the advice of the "experts". If I truly want to grow, I have to keep an open mind, even if it hurts.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

4rdogs said:


> Being a TDInc Tester/Observer I can not or will I ever turn my head when I see a incident happen with a Therapy dog. If the incident happens doing a visit or in public.
> Seeing the incident I had to put in a report. I am not the only one who did
> People were coming up to me and the other Testers/Observers telling us about other incidents that happened that weekend


And believe me, I am so horribly mortified and humiliated by what happened. I don't think I have ever been so ashamed in my whole adult life. However, I know the aggression is reversible. She has issues with nervousness and protection of her territory. I am already getting help from a trainer, an AKC obedience judge as I said above who believes it can be brought under control and is preventable. I just need to do a better job of getting her focused on me. I did not make as much of an effort at Goldstock, because I was relaxing too much. She has never had aggression during a visit, ever. Most of the times the incidents happened, she was not on a leash. She chased after a dog who walked past my cabin after my son let her out. She has thyroid issues and I'm still trying to get her medicine to the right dosage through my vet. When we had the gathering to spell out DOG CAMP for the photograph, while we were squished like sardines, she did marvelously paying attention to me. She knew I was in charge, and was calm and had no problems. I was much more on guard then too. I just don't wish to give up on Mercy.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

Megora said:


> Mercy Mom - I think you misunderstood what I was primarily responding to you about. It had nothing really to do with the obedience stuff - because I actually know of more than a handful dogs who are aggressive that I train around or have trained around. Some of this is breed specific aggression - and the owners are very upfront and protective of the space around their dogs because they know their dogs will rip off the face of somebody's nice golden (or whatever) who got too close.
> 
> Border collies are abundant in obedience - and honestly I only know of 2 that are absolutely wonderful. And one of those was a rescue who had been rehabilitated by his owner. At one point, he had been very fear aggressive and marked dangerous.
> 
> ...


I agree with you thousands of times over.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

SheetsSM said:


> I worry about what happens to the kids on the spectrum that grow up--there is so much tolerance, love & support for the little ones, but I don't see that translate so much to adults.
> 
> I am happy I was able to meet Janet & Mercy along with her family this past weekend. The Mercy I saw was a total love bug to me, respective of my space but adored the attention. I also saw Janet w/ Mercy at the group picture & was glad to see Janet working to keep Mercy's attention on her (Janet) and not the other people/dogs. As for the snarkiness, I wasn't witness to it but did hear about it and I will say I don't want my own dogs subjected to any form of aggression. As I have no idea what the rules are for therapy dogs, I would trust in those like Karen to keep us all safe and protective of our ability to participate in this type of therapy. It most definitely is a setback but it's not the end of the world.
> 
> Janet, keep working w/ Mercy. You have your own demons to contend w/ as we all do (some just aren't as visible). For me, I have to continually remind myself not to worry what others think of me, but at the same time, be receptive to the advice of the "experts". If I truly want to grow, I have to keep an open mind, even if it hurts.


Thanks Susan! You're awesome! I feel like I am on trial in a courtroom!:uhoh::nervous::nervous:


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## SheetsSM (Jan 17, 2008)

MercyMom said:


> Thanks Susan! You're awesome! I feel like I am on trial in a courtroom!:uhoh::nervous::nervous:


Any of us could post something & lead to a litany of responses, I think most of us really self sensor what we post. Just go back read any e-collar, food, to crate or not to crate thread & you'll see a variety of comments. On a positive note, people care enough to respond & post, you could be swimming in a sea of silence.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

SheetsSM said:


> Any of us could post something & lead to a litany of responses, I think most of us really self sensor what we post. Just go back read any e-collar, food, to crate or not to crate thread & you'll see a variety of comments. On a positive note, people care enough to respond & post, you could be swimming in a sea of silence.


 According to the personality type I shared with you, while under pressure, I get defensive, even though I normally avoid combativeness.


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## Anele (Dec 12, 2014)

I did not read the other thread. This is just in response to working with a dog for our own goals vs what is right for the dog.

My daughter was in the hospital recently, and was visited by a therapy dog. My daughter is versed in the basics of calming signals, and noted that the dog seemed very stressed. (She was with a group of children during the visit.) We were both sad for the dog, that the owner would put the dog in that situation. It is dangerous for both the children and dog.

I had hoped our dog would be a therapy dog, too, but while he loves people, he isn't a huge fan of being pet. So, we are moving on to something else he'd enjoy.

ETA: I want to add more because I feel like I wrote was cold, and I really do not mean it to come across that way. My point was that it can be really disappointing to find out that what we had hoped for may not be the best for our dog. We have a vision, hopes, and dreams- it can feel unfair when we see others succeeding in the way we wanted to, even we we work so hard to accomplish our goals. I am not saying this is true for Mercy, as you know her best, but that if it comes to that, know that you are not alone, AND that other doors will open for both of you, for sure.


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## goldy1 (Aug 5, 2012)

MercyMom -

I'm only catching up with your post. You have had some great suggestions and have learned so much reading through this thread.

I can't offer much additional except encouragement and not to judge others or yourself. 

Only one suggestion if you enjoy reading: Have you read any of Temple Grandin's books? She's quite inspirational and brilliant. If you click into the link below, you will see some of her books which might be of interest and inspiration to you.

*Welcome to Temple Grandin's Official Autism Website*

I first became aware of Dr. Grandin when I read her book "Animals Make Us Human - Creating the Best Life for Animals".

I wish you the best.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

goldy1 said:


> MercyMom -
> 
> I'm only catching up with your post. You have had some great suggestions and have learned so much reading through this thread.
> 
> ...


Thanks man. You're not the first person to suggest Temple Grandin.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

Anele said:


> I did not read the other thread. This is just in response to working with a dog for our own goals vs what is right for the dog.
> 
> My daughter was in the hospital recently, and was visited by a therapy dog. My daughter is versed in the basics of calming signals, and noted that the dog seemed very stressed. (She was with a group of children during the visit.) We were both sad for the dog, that the owner would put the dog in that situation. It is dangerous for both the children and dog.
> 
> ...


Thanks man! This is very helpful!


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## Elisabeth Kazup (Aug 23, 2008)

My husband is on the Autism spectrum and he has some of the same difficulties as you do. I notice that with animals, he doesn't pick up on signals the way other people, me, do. He has me to help buffer his relationship with our dog so that in a limited way, he can build a relationship that is not confusing TO THE DOG. 

If you consider your interactions with Mercy as "social", you might be able to help her through her confusion which is probably leading to her fear and "aggression". I put that in quotes because if she were truly aggressive, she would be all the time. That it is only occasionally points to fear more often than not. In her own way, she's a bit autistic in that she has limited ways to communicate to you. And rather than let you handle her fearful situations, she feels she has to handle them herself.

Be very watchful of her stress and fear levels, remembering that even happy excitement is taxing for a dog. Keep her well rested, keep her work short and happy and take her out of and away from any situation that causes her to feel overwhelmed. In class, pick a place on the end of the line so she isn't surrounded by dogs. 

Just like for yourself, keep her environment at a level she can handle. I have learned A LOT about living with autism and I know the wish to be "normal" is strong and heartbreaking at the same time. Apply the advice to yourself as well. Just as you can't force yourself to be the happy party girl, you can't force Mercy. Treat her the way you want to be treated; it's the most ethical thing to do.


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

Penny's Mom said:


> My husband is on the Autism spectrum and he has some of the same difficulties as you do. I notice that with animals, he doesn't pick up on signals the way other people, me, do. He has me to help buffer his relationship with our dog so that in a limited way, he can build a relationship that is not confusing TO THE DOG.
> 
> If you consider your interactions with Mercy as "social", you might be able to help her through her confusion which is probably leading to her fear and "aggression". I put that in quotes because if she were truly aggressive, she would be all the time. That it is only occasionally points to fear more often than not. In her own way, she's a bit autistic in that she has limited ways to communicate to you. And rather than let you handle her fearful situations, she feels she has to handle them herself.
> 
> ...


Certainly. I will do that. Thanks for your understanding.


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