# Needy with a capital N



## Celeigh (Nov 29, 2007)

Lily is SOOOO needy for affection that she's driving me a little nuts. It's constant. If I make brief eye contact with her, she comes over to me and throws my arms or hands up with her nose over and over wanting to be petted. If I pet Fergus, she comes over and inserts herself between Fergus and I to take over getting petted. She literally will not leave my side at the dog park and positions herself under my hand or sits in front of me to get me to pet her. If I sit down on the couch, she's right in front on me scratching at me with her paw for petting. She rarely plays for the fun of it - she's either laying down waiting for me to look at her so she can come over and be petted or she's already next to me demanding it. 

Fergus is demanding of different things - he wants to play, wants to be taken for a walk, wants food, wants outside and that never bothers me. But this constant need to be touched that she has is wearing me out. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my dogs and pet them all the time, but this is too much. It drives other people crazy too. I hear a lot of, "Aaaallright, Lily." As if to say, that's enough, get away from me now. But it's never enough for her.

I've heard several of you decribe the difference between male and female goldens as "Males say love you, love you, love you. Females say love me, love me, love me." A truer statement has never been made as pertains to my two!! I feel like Fergus loves me and Lily tolerates us in exchange for constant petting. She's so very sweet and calm, but Needy with a capital N.

Anyone else have this "problem"? How did you address it, or did you even try? 

I'm trying not to give in to the nosing she does to my arms/hands as I don't want to encourage the behavior, but then she looks so sad. Breaks my heart. Instead I try to pet her when she's not asking for it. 

Background for those who don't know us: Lily is 3.5 yrs, adopted over 2 months ago from a rescue. She was turned in by a family that loved her, but lost their house in a foreclosure. Fergus is a 7 mo. old 110% puppy in a big dog's body.


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## Penny'smom (Mar 3, 2007)

I'm sure not an expert on rescues but it seems logical to me that she fears being abandoned again.

I know it's hard for you to ignore her, but consider this time as still in the adjustment phase. I think, for a while, you have to completely ignore her bids for attention and then when she's distracted with something else, go to her and give her lots of pets. You're on the right track with that. But it's so hard to see that sad little face. You won't be petting her less, just on your terms. And make sure you do it as soon as she's gets distracted with something else. Like this: she bumps with her nose, you get up and walk away. As soon as she looks away from you toward a toy or a window or something like that, go to her and praise her with lots of pets. Hopefully, her distraction will turn into more play time with Fergus and she'll be less intense with you.

You're right that giving in is teaching her what to do. Our Penny will do the same thing only to play. We've had to ignore her until she settles and then I get a toy and start to play with her. 

It will get better.


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## GoldenJoyx'stwo (Feb 25, 2007)

This is way off topic. Isn't there some sort of evaluation done by trainers that includes making eye contact and the time it takes for your dog to respond to the eye contact is a good thing if it's a quick reaction? Boy that's a bad sentence...

All three of mine like attention and sometimes seem to try to demand it. If I turn my head and ignor them, the will go and lay down without any correction. If I look at them, they immediately come to my side.


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## Celeigh (Nov 29, 2007)

Kimm said:


> This is way off topic. Isn't there some sort of evaluation done by trainers that includes making eye contact and the time it takes for your dog to respond to the eye contact is a good thing if it's a quick reaction? Boy that's a bad sentence...


If there is, Lily would be a champion! I think she just stares at me all the time and the second I glance her direction she's at my side with her nose throwing my arm in the air. 

I hope I don't sound heartless, because I definitely love her and she is very sweet. Besides the drain of being constantly in my face I worry that she doesn't feel secure and that she's driven to demand constant expressions of acceptance. I think that would be understandable considering she's new to my home. I guess I'm just looking for ways to make her feel more secure, so she can just be in the room with me (like she is all day) and be happy rather than continually seeking out reinforcement that she's a part of my pack. Maybe time is the best answer...


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## LibertyME (Jan 6, 2007)

Have her work for your attention as much as possible...(NILIF - not even affection)
Sits, downs, shake hands, roll over, sit pretty - whatever you can think of...
Reward her with affection for those things (I would not use over the top gushing affection, but a quick touch and a sweet word).....it will give her something to focus on...and hopefully tire out her little mind...plus help give her some clues about how you like to interact with her...

Two months is not long to really have settled in...she indeed is needy...not sure where and how she fits in...


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## cham (Feb 21, 2008)

I have the same problem with Mitchell, and I'm sure its fear of losing his family again. He is constantly underfoot or under desk, heaven forbid I should want to pat or spend some time with Hailey. He has to get right in the middle of everything just like Lily. 
The only difference is Mitch is over the top excitable, and I don't know what to do about it or how to calm him down. I have only had him a month so I know I can't send him to bootcamp yet, he would think he was being sent away again. And I know that one night a week of obedience wouldnt be intensive enough. 
I figure that give a few more months and maybe he will relax( doubtful seems to be his personality according to the trainer) or maybe send both of them to overnight bootcamp, Hailey for a refresher course and Mitch for the full course. :doh:


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## marshab1 (Aug 28, 2006)

I agree with the others about more time being needed.

Tinkerbell is pretty needy at times and I know that a lot of that comes from us. We waited a long time to get her and there are 4 of us to pay attention to her. So she gets a lot of attention. Maybe at Lily's last home she had the same thing. So that's what she knows. Add to that losing that family and not knowing yet where she fits into yours...


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## happyjoy (May 2, 2008)

I too noticed a big difference between having one dog and then getting another - both Goldies, of course. My Sophie was about 3 when Elliott came along but he was a pup and not a rescue dog. And Elliott was very hyperactive plus dog aggressive so we had that to deal with.

Firstly, we needed to establish where each other fitted into the pack. Not necessarily is it the older one who is pack leader. In my situation, Elliott the pup was the most dominant of the two and so I encouraged that (I was leader, of course) by allowing him to walk slightly ahead of Sophie, I would put his food down first, walking through the door into or out of the house would be me first and then letting Elliott slightly ahead of Sophie. In fact, if you go to www.diydoggrooming.com/dogblog.php you can read some of our story. So really, I think you need to allow which ever dog is the more dominant to have their place and allow the other to be bottom of the pack. Once they know their places they will be content and there will be no need for them to push for position.

Secondly, being a rescue you won't know what the history of the dog is. Eye contact is one of the encouragements to coming to you so if you eye the dog it will respond by coming to you. Have some food ready to hand and rather than allow her to push her way or just give her the attention make her do something to earn a treat, eg. use food to induce a sit, or a drop, teach her a trick or two. Never discourage her from coming to you. Recall is one of the most important exercises you can do so you don't want to discourage that. She may be insecure a little. I would really suggest you join a local dog training group which uses positive reinforcement and take her on her own. 

Also, if you are able walk them separately sometimes. Give them some individual time where it's one on one and there's no competition. The dog training classes would give you this opportunity. 

If you are patting and petting her every time she comes over to you then she has got you trained very well! She sounds like she would do very well at an activity like obedience or agility if she is totally focussed on you and the mental stimulation would do her the world of good.

I have been instructing dog training for some 10 years or so and am an instructor for the canine good companion programme here in Perth as well as a few other obedience clubs. I don't have all the answers and you will need to work out what works best for you and your dog. 

Good luck with it all.


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## fostermom (Sep 6, 2007)

LibertyME said:


> Have her work for your attention as much as possible...(NILIF - not even affection)
> Sits, downs, shake hands, roll over, sit pretty - whatever you can think of...
> Reward her with affection for those things (I would not use over the top gushing affection, but a quick touch and a sweet word).....it will give her something to focus on...and hopefully tire out her little mind...plus help give her some clues about how you like to interact with her...
> 
> Two months is not long to really have settled in...she indeed is needy...not sure where and how she fits in...


Dead on! It will help her understand that she doesn't need to worry, she will get attention, but on your terms. It may not even be that she is worried about attention, but that she got away with pushing her previous owners for attention. My Jasmine is a classic example. We never realized that she was "claiming" us around the other dogs. I put a stop to it, but have to keep reminding my husband that she is claiming him. She is just so sweet about it that it happens before he knows it.

NILIF is a lifesaver!


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## Bud (Mar 10, 2008)

Hey there,
Let me preface this by noteing I have absolute nothing but personal experience to base this on. I am not a dog trainer or anything.

I had (still have a little) the exact problem with Bud. I couldn't make a move without him up my but. He would block me, flip my hand, cry on the other side of the door when I went to the BR. It was crazy. Then it started claming down. One of the things that helped the most was just ignoring him when we were in the house. If I wanted to pet him I would always wait until he was laying down already then go over and give him some attention. Also I started pushing him away and making him sit and stay when I would pet our other dog or anything else he was trying to cut in on.

Overall we have seen a great improvement in Bud and he is much less clingy. Just give it time and don't give in. Because as you know if it works they'll keep doing it.

DISCLAIMER: "I'm not a dog whisper I just play one on forums. I'm really a cat person."


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