# Beyond Puppy Blues



## Olympia (Jan 11, 2010)

Getting a puppy when you have never had a dog before can be overwhelming to say the least, throw a couple of kids in the mix and it's even more so, I think what you are feeling is normal, I know a few people who got puppies recently one of which is my son, and his wife was saying she thought she made a mistake...heck I've felt that way a few times myself, constantly cleaning up after them, the barking and whining can drive you crazy, but as you bond with the puppy you will start to love her, just give it some time!! :wink2:


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## ceegee (Mar 26, 2015)

My two cents: You need to talk to your husband about this, and quickly. We're a bunch of strangers on the Internet - we don't know you or your situation, so it's very hard to give good advice. But if my spouse was as unhappy as you seem to be, I'd definitely want to know. 

Nobody is going to judge you if you decide as a family that you can't cope. If you decide not to keep the pup, you should contact your breeder first. If you got her from a good breeder, your contract probably states that she must be returned to the breeder in the event that you can't keep her. If your breeder won't take her back, the safest route is to contact a golden retriever rescue group and ask them to find a good home for her. Whatever you do, don't advertise her in the newspaper or on Craiglist.

Puppies are very hard work, and young golden retrievers aren't easy dogs. It may be that your family would do better with an adult dog from a shelter or rescue. I used to volunteer at an inner city SPCA, and often placed older adult dogs with inexperienced families. The dogs would teach them how to be dog owners without all the hassle of house-training and so on.

I hope you find a solution. Life is too short to be unhappy. Please don't worry about what other people think - just do what's right for you and your pup. I wish you the best of luck.


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## DanaRuns (Sep 29, 2012)

I've owned dozens of Goldens over my lifetime, I show dogs, I train dogs, I breed dogs, and I can tell you that as recently as three years ago I was right where you are now. I had this adorable little puppy who was destroying my life. She bit everything, including me. Chewed up everything. Peed and pooped everywhere. Wouldn't listen. Was a wild animal. Had to be watched constantly. Ruined my days. I couldn't do anything else but run around frantically after this hell beast all day long. I was at wits end. I didn't know what to do. I was in tears. She was a monster, and there was nothing I could do to cope.

I was NOT a first time puppy buyer. I had had lots of puppies. I had recently finished showing my earlier puppy to his championship. I had trained all my dogs, and they were all wonderful. This puppy was dog #4 in the house, and I had years and years of experience. And yet, THIS puppy had me ready to leave and never come back again. It was her or me!!!!

So here's how I solved some of the problems:


Limit the puppy's space. Very important! Too much space is one of the biggest causes of puppy catastrophe.
Adjust my expectations. Very important! I just had to realize that I had a little demon puppy here, and she's a beautiful soul, and she's just an infant, none of this is her fault, I am asking an infant animal to live in a human world, and I had to treat her as the infant she was, not the dog I wanted her to be.
Make a schedule for her, and stick to it. Dogs thrive on routine.
Train a little bit several times a day. Make a game out of it. Use only positive training techniques.
Exercise! The puppy needs enough exercise. Mostly, puppies eat and sleep and poop, but in between, they need to run around and expend energy.
Crate train. Very important. The crate is a safe space, not a punishment, and it's a place where the puppy learns to be calm (and to allow me to be calm).
Get help and suggestions from others.
Understand that I'm not alone, that this happens, and that it will be over soon. Indeed, that puppy time is over all too soon. Learn to cherish the time with the puppy.
None of this is the puppy's fault! My emotions and my frustrations are my own problems, not the puppy's. The puppy is just being a puppy, and trying to grow up in an alien environment. I had to realize that I needed to let her do that, and for me to be the human adult and adjust my own behavior and reactions.

That puppy from hell grew up to be a wonderful companion, fabulous show dog, loving pet, and doting mother. She's pregnant right now, in fact, and I can't wait to get home to her. I laugh about it now, but back then I was at my wit's end. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that I would get through it and it would get better as she grew. And I wasn't a novice dog owner, but someone with a lot of experience!

Here's the only other thing: You need to ALLOW yourself to love that puppy. That puppy NEEDS your love. And the puppy can sense your hostility, and it just gets confused by it and it makes things worse. None of this is the puppy's problem, it's all a problem with you. So YOU need to adjust and learn to deal. IT'S JUST A PUPPY. You can do it. You know you can. You just have to adjust your expectations, take some measures, and accept that your life is going to be different for a while. You have an INFANT in your home. An alien one, not a human one. It is completely dependent on you, and it's your job to be there, to provide the LOVE and structure so the puppy grows up into a wonderful family dog. And here's the thing: you CAN do it. Repeat after me: It's. Only. A. Puppy. It's not going to ruin you. But your emotional state is a message to you that you need to (1) do some things differently, (2) accept the reality of the puppy at this age, and (3) adjust your expectations.

The difference between an ordeal and an adventure is your ATTITUDE. Your biggest problem is your attitude. It's not you verses the puppy. You are not competitors. You don't win or lose. No. You are partners in this. You are learning together. And as the human partner, you have to be patient, be smarter, and learn to enjoy the process.

You can do it. People here are a lot of help. You'll find dozens of threads here saying exactly the same thing as you, and guess what? Everyone got through it. Everyone survived. But here's the one thing: You have to give love to this puppy. You have an INFANT who is completely dependent on you for its emotional and physical well being. Give your puppy what it needs. It's helpless, and it needs you.

Follow my advice, and the great advice you will get here from others who have been right where you are now.


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## DanaRuns (Sep 29, 2012)

I have to again say to LIMIT THE PUPPY'S SPACE. And make sure that the space she is in is puppy-proof. 

Give her things to play with and chew on that are SAFE.

Make sure she goes out to pee and poop once an hour.

Never have her out of your sight for these next few weeks. You can attach her to a leash and attach the leash to you. Or you can keep her in a crate or play area. She should not have the run of the house.

Crate train her. She needs to have that safe space where she knows it's time to be calm.

Reach out to your breeder. If you have a good and ethical breeder, she will be a great resource for you.


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## kardut (May 25, 2017)

Great advice, and as a novice compared to all these experts, would like to add one more suggestion: enroll in a puppy class and be the one to take her. Not your husband, but you! I've only had rescue goldens, not a puppy (yet!), but there's nothing better for helping to develop that bond. 


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## usually lurking (Apr 21, 2017)

I think ceegee has offered you the best advice, thus far. Speak to your husband immediately. DanaRuns' advice is well thought out, but only useful if the issue is simply that you aren't sure how to manage the puppy.

Having said that, if you ever felt overwhelmed by things prior to bringing the puppy home, or if the time commitment required by the puppy has been your breaking point, then rehoming should be a serious consideration. Everyone has a different breaking point. A puppy on top of children is hard, and if you are so overwhelmed and anxious that you are having thoughts of self-harm, then you need to act sooner rather than later. The words "trapped" and "suffocated" indicate to me that you don't see a way that you can handle this addition to your physical and emotional responsibilities, at least not without help. You should not feel obligated to suffer with those kinds of thoughts, or that level of anxiety, so that everyone else can be happy. That isn't fair to you. You also deserve to feel (and be) emotionally healthy. It also isn't fair to the puppy to have a primary caretaker who isn't invested in her. So, what is best for you is probably what is best for the puppy, as well. You aren't selfish to consider rehoming. You are, in a way, being selfless, in giving the puppy the best chance at being loved and happy. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "You know what? I thought I could do it, but I can't. Now, I am going to rectify my mistake and maybe I can revisit the idea of a puppy in a few years, if and when things settle down."


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## Prism Goldens (May 27, 2011)

Are your children old enough to do the pottying for you? 
Maybe if they are of the age you can say to them, 'every hour on the hour take turns taking her out' it will give them a sense of partnership towards making her a real family member instead of a maddening creature who's inspiring all these feelings of despair. 
I agree totally w CeeGee on what to do if it isn't going to work- call the breeder, or a rescue- and on the older dog as they are so much easier .... and I agree with DanaRuns too (because I too have had puppies who I thought were demons straight from hell some days...but those days were usually a reflection of my own mental and emotional state and their actual helplessness and natural behaviors) and limiting space is a big piece of safety as well as good training for the future. Puppies take work, but if you've never had one that work might seem overwhelming. If you're an organized person, maybe prepare some stuffed kongs and novel treats and toys and swap them out on a schedule that your children can help you with. But do talk to your husband- he needs to know you are overwhelmed and also, if you keep her, let yourself find cutenesses (take pics- that helps w seeing cute) and try to open your heart to love her. It is such a huge reward when they are two years old and you have a dog you can enjoy, who is a true part of your family. But it may be a better thing to start with a dog who already has some skills... if and when you are ready to take a dog on- it's kinda like having a newborn and a toddler all rolled into one, and that is a lot to ask of you if you are already overwhelmed. Sometimes the idea of a puppy is much more lovely than the reality of a puppy...


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## Gleepers (Apr 20, 2016)

So much good advise already posted. 
Yes what you are feeling is pretty normal. But your ability to deal with that level of stress might not be so normal. You have to take care of you too. 
As a stay at home Mom myself the 24/7 puppy care is very hard emotionally. It was almost a year when I was finally able to sit back and realize we had made it through the worst and were at a point where I felt the situation was becoming routine and livable for me (I too am an experienced dog owner). There were several times I could have taken the pooch with me but happily locked her in the crate and walked out of the house pleased as punch not to have to deal with it for a few hours. No right or wrong answer to your situation.


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## davmar77 (May 5, 2017)

Lots of great advice here. I'll add that it wasn't too different for us. The only big difference is we both work. For the first month my wife stayed home and was nearly 24 7 with our pup. She was wild and all over the place. My wife had very little sleep and was frazzled. Since then we've been through three sets of classes and a behaviorist at our home. Amber just turned eight months and things are turning around. Yes, talk to your husband for sure and make him aware, he probably is already, of how you are doing. This was my first dog and like you I was talked into it but I'm glad we got her. I've seen a number of very similar posts here and just about all of them stuck it out and were happy they did. My wife has had dogs before but she said it was nothing like this. You are not alone.


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## puddles everywhere (May 13, 2016)

I recently sold my petsitting/boarding business... one of my clients, one that had owned dogs for decades. Someone that did not work, had lots of room, but no kids.
This lady worked for over a year to be accepted as a puppy raiser for an organization called CCI. This is a very experienced organization, they did interviews, sent training tapes, made home visits prior to accepting her... several. Interviewed her husband and friends, got recommendations from her vet. Provided daily support and instructions.
After 12 long months of wanting this puppy, we went to the airport to pick up this precious puppy. This was the most laid back, quiet puppy I had ever seen in the 50 yrs of working with dogs. 
I received a phone call the next day, the lady was in tears. I went over to see what the problem was and she was hysterical. And this was just the 1st night! I took the puppy home with me for 3 days, we worked on all the stuff CCI requires you to do with the puppy. Very smart, mellow puppy... key word here is PUPPY. For me it was easy, I worked with dogs every day. I've lived through raising my kids alone, raising grand kids and totally experienced on putting my life on hold for months to get through the "baby" phase.
I took the pup home and the lady tried again, only to call me 2 days later asking me to take the pup home with me again. She had the pup for 7 days (I had her 5 out of the 7) before shipping the pup off to another puppy raiser per CCI direction. 
Having this puppy was so much more than she had ever anticipated. The reality was NOTHING like she could have ever imagined. 
While I was really getting attached to this precious puppy I have to admire the courage it took for her to admit defeat and return the puppy. This sweet pup graduated and became a service dog for some lucky family and this wouldn't have been possible without her willingness to accept she just wasn't ready to stop her life and focus on this puppy 24/7.
Talk with your husband, I'm sure the pup isn't enjoying this process any more than you are. Like DanaRuns was saying, golden puppies can be especially challenging, some more than others. The idea of having a puppy is very different than actually having one and it's not for everyone. I hope you and the family can reach a decision on what is best for the puppy.


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## Anele (Dec 12, 2014)

I think your first step is to reach out to a mental health professional if you aren't already currently working one. Whatever your ultimate decision, you may at least temporarily need a professional level of support. Because if you keep the puppy, there will be all sorts of issues... and if you don't, I am concerned you will face others while you work through them. Your husband is probably normally a great source of support, but this is one of those tricky situations where he will also need support, so you will need an impartial, trained person to guide you through the process.

The puppy will have a home-- either yours or immediately through the breeder or a rescue-- so do not let that be a factor in your decision.

Please stay safe and make sure you get your mental health needs taken care of immediately.


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## kellyguy (Mar 5, 2014)

Please consider all advice in the most positive way possible, and I'm not a mental health expert or family counselor. 
This is not intended to make you fell bad about yourself or add to your anxiety, but you have to take ownership of all the issues that are bothering you.
Your puppy is not bad, evil, out to get you, nor does he harbor any innate desire to make your life miserable. He is a puppy learning to cope with a world he hasn't been in for very long and learning along the way to hopefully become a beautiful golden retriever.
What you are feeling stems from entirely things you control or choose not to control.
The forum can offer you guidance on shaping your puppies behavior, coping with "puppy problems", and other dog issues.
First you need to seek help to resolve the issues that are really causing you to feel anxious, trapped and hopeless or they will remain to cripple you regardless of keeping or re-homing the puppy.
Best of luck.


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## hahuston (Jul 5, 2017)

I'm a stay at home, homeschooling mom of 4 kids between the ages of 2 and 12. Because that doesn't get crazy enough, we added a golden puppy to our family. My husband isn't near as involved in anything as I need him to be. It leaves little time for self care. What you have described your state of mind to be is very serious. Your family needs YOU far more than they need a puppy. Please, please, please, for the love of your family, please tell your husband how you are feeling. You desperately need help! Life doesn't have to be this hard, painful or lonely. You're a wife and mother, maybe someone's sister, surely someone's friend. Now is the time to call in all of your reinforcements and help. Let them rally around you. Let them love you. Let them help you.

If you and your family decide to keep the puppy, you have received loads of good advice. That advice will make the nitty gritty of teaching your puppy much easier and less stressful. I read Ian Dunbar's "Before You Get Your Puppy" and "After You Get Your Puppy". Pretty much everything the others are suggesting comes straight from his teaching. I limited my puppy to a crate and the kitchen. As he got older, he got the dining room, too. Both floors are wood laminate, so cleanup is easy. At 16 weeks, we started giving him limited and highly supervised time in the living room with us. It's getting easier but he's a demand barker. Sometimes that shrill puppy bark is more than I can take. He spends time in a crate in the bedroom until he's quiet or I've done whatever I need to for myself to be able to cope with that bark, in addition to the kid noise and chaos in my house.

You clearly love your family. It's time to share some of that love with yourself. Remember, your family needs you present, engaged, mentally and emotionally healthy, far more than they need a puppy. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather

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## DanaRuns (Sep 29, 2012)

I can't help but notice that the OP has not returned.


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## hahuston (Jul 5, 2017)

DanaRuns said:


> I can't help but notice that the OP has not returned.




I know. I hope she's okay.


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## usually lurking (Apr 21, 2017)

Hopefully, she'll be back when she feels like she can manage a moment to return.


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## Mayabear (Aug 26, 2015)

Its been less than 24 hours since she posted. Give her some time. Between her mental state and having to care for children and a new puppy, i doubt she has much time.

I will say that she might as well have been describing the situation in my home 2.5 years ago, sans the child (which I know is a huuuuge responsibility). My wife had never had a dog. I grew up with dogs. I had wanted a dog for 2-3 years before we decided to get Maya. Made the cardinal mistake of getting her from some breeder who was obviously not great. She arrived, and within a day or two there were tears, frustration, anger, more tears with huge amounts of stress and no end in sight. There was no enjoyment with the puppy. But we stuck with it and now Maya is our life, our baby. 

It was easier for us with no child, but I hope the OP will figure out a way to keep her "new" family together. The reward is worth it.


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