# My husband is ruining all the training I'm doing with Bella!!!



## KatieBlue'sMidnightSky (Feb 22, 2011)

Hit him over the head with a frying pan! LOL! No, just kidding of course. Not being on the same team can be frustrating. Anger and frustration are secondary feelings--perhaps get to the core feeling and expressing that to him in a non-blaming way would help. Example: "When Bella is allowed to do XYZ, it hurts because I feel that I am not respected and it makes me feel less close to you. I am also worried that she will end up not being an easy dog to live with down the road." Keep the "You..." out of it.
Just an idea---since I have no idea the dynamics of your relationship. Just remember, nobody likes to feel attacked and blamed--even if they truly are doing something that hurts your relationship. Perhaps ask if you can discuss some ground rules over a glass of wine--see if there might be some room for him to have some input into the training. Maybe he is feeling left out, and therefore is bucking your perceived "control".

Good Luck!


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## Bella's Mama (Jun 12, 2011)

He knows exactly what he's doing. I've explained things over and over again. She growled at her bone the other day so I did some research how to handle it. He did not listen to what I said and would not let me handle the situation again when it came up (he gave her another bone when I said not to) and now she growls anytime we're near her eating. I'm so frustrated and scared that our dog will be messed up since she has no guidance from him.


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## vcm5 (Apr 20, 2011)

I think you have to be really firm with him, let him know that this is a top priority for you and you will not accept him going against you. Good luck! I can imagine how frustrated you must be.


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## Bella's Mama (Jun 12, 2011)

Yes we will have to talk again. He won't use treats and swats her which makes me very upset. And then he's very minimal on praise. Ugh. Men.


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## KatieBlue'sMidnightSky (Feb 22, 2011)

Hmmmm.......I change my mind, hit him with a frying pan! So sorry you are having to with that! I'm here anytime you need to vent--no advise, just listen.



Bella's Mama said:


> Yes we will have to talk again. He won't use treats and swats her which makes me very upset. And then he's very minimal on praise. Ugh. Men.


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## BajaOklahoma (Sep 27, 2009)

Are you currently in classes? If so, he really needs to go.
Another option is to hire a trainer to come to the house. Make a list of all of the issues and what you've tried. Your husband needs to hear it.

If he refuses, perhaps divorce? Semi-seriously.


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## Joanne & Asia (Jul 23, 2007)

I can rlate to your problem. My husband did not get on board with the amped up training we had to do when Asia started exhibiting dog aggression issues at about 18 months of age. It was because he was never present when she showed the aggression and didn't see the link that training was the key to stopping this behaviour. I told him that I needed him to follow my lead in this or it wouldn't work and what I found was that as he saw the benefit of a well trained dog in examples that he could relate to(such as putting her in a down when we are eating for example he got more on board. Asia still respects me more than him but it is way better than it was in the beginning and she does compply when he gives a command. . I hope your husband will also see the light. Good luck.


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## Bella's Mama (Jun 12, 2011)

We are starting a puppy class Thursday. Maybe that will help him see the light. After the growling episodes, I'm terrified for our pup.

Unfortunately we live in a small area and as far as I know, there aren't many trainers around here. We have to drive 35 minutes to PetSmart for the only one I could find in the entire area. Hopefully it's good. At least she'll get socialization. 

And btw, he never hits her. Just a gentle swat when she misbehaves.


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## fostermom (Sep 6, 2007)

Bella's Mama said:


> We are starting a puppy class Thursday. Maybe that will help him see the light. After the growling episodes, I'm terrified for our pup.
> 
> Unfortunately we live in a small area and as far as I know, there aren't many trainers around here. We have to drive 35 minutes to PetSmart for the only one I could find in the entire area. Hopefully it's good. At least she'll get socialization.
> 
> And btw, he never hits her. Just a gentle swat when she misbehaves.


FWIW, hitting is hitting when you are dealing with a puppy. Trading for high value things (bones) is a good way to teach her that your approaching her when she has a high value item is a good thing and not something to feel the need to protect from you.


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## Mirinde (Jun 8, 2011)

Ugh, this is so frustrating for Bella and for you =( I don't know what I'd do if Ben wasn't on board with our tactics for dealing with resource aggression... he's never been very involved in it because Iorek is his first dog and he's worried about "doing it wrong", but he's never balked at it. Aggression issues are so scary when it's your own dog and you feel so out of control of the situation as it is without an unhelpful and disruptive partner adding to it. 

Perhaps you could explain to him why you are trying to train Bella the way you are? If he's had dogs in his life prior to you, he could be set in his ways just because those dogs grew up fine. You might need to remind him that every dog is different and you feel a positive approach to Bella's issues would be most beneficial for her.


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## Radarsdad (Apr 18, 2011)

Tell him to quit being a bonehead and man up and put his big boy pants on!!! You can tell I said so.
Real men don't beat dogs,women or children.


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## Bella's Mama (Jun 12, 2011)

In his defense, before we got Bella, we were given the advice to flick the dog's nose when she misbehaves. I quickly changed that after looking into it. I still think he doesn't realize the damage it can do. Yes he is being a bonehead lol. He's really wonderful just so stubborn with this dog!

And now I feel guilty for trash talking him. My husband is a wonderful man, just a clueless man with puppy parenting.


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## Mirinde (Jun 8, 2011)

Don't feel guilty! Everyone needs to vent and it seems like not very many people really understand the concept of positive approach type dog training and get very argumentative about it. We're a group of people that you can count on to support and encourage your methods of training when life at home seems to be discouraging it. Just hang in there and try your best to explain your position without casting blame.


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## Bella's Mama (Jun 12, 2011)

Thank you so much  Matthew means no I'll will, but he has his own way of parenting, albeit misguided. 

And to brag about my girl, tonight, she has dropped every single time asked!!!!!


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## iansgran (May 29, 2010)

Been married 44 years next month and my husband is the same. He loves Jaro but undermines the training by doing things like feeding him treats, and repeating commands and not following up on them. He has occasionally swatted Jaro, but not hurting him, just the frustration kind of behavior correction which is not helpful. Tonight the kids were all over for Sunday dinner and my dil doesn't like dogs so of course Jaro wants to see her and get her attention. I was really mad at my husband because he wouldn't stop the bad behavior just kept yelling at the dog. I was cooking. My daughter who lived with us until recently is the best trainer of us all. So I am sorry for you and have no good advice. It doesn't make training much more difficult but not impossible. I made a promise to myself tonight to work on getting Jaro to go to his place when and stay when we have company. He is only 16 months so he is still learning, but I also know I am the only one who will train him.


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## Radarsdad (Apr 18, 2011)

One of my best friends doesn't really care for dogs. He came over to visit. He told me "you need to put the dog outside."
I said "No,he lives here you don't".


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## Pammie (Jan 22, 2011)

Radarsdad said:


> One of my best friends doesn't really care for dogs. He came over to visit. He told me "you need to put the dog outside."
> *I said "No,he lives here you don't"*.


Love this!!! LOL and how could anyone not like dogs?!!!:gotme:

Looks to me like we could start a new thread devoted to husbands that are not being as supportive as needed about our goldens. I would join that.


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## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

I understand what you are saying as my husband had his own way to do things and really didn't listen to what I was telling him about training. I found that every time he(my husband) did any thing close to what I was telling him I told him how great he was doing and commented on how much Gambler was responding to him. I found that after a while he began to ask me about the training. We are still far apart on feeding them while we eat but even that is getting better. A little manipulation doesn't hurt


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## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

Radarsdad said:


> One of my best friends doesn't really care for dogs. He came over to visit. He told me "you need to put the dog outside."
> I said "No,he lives here you don't".


I love this!!!!!


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## jackie_hubert (Jun 2, 2010)

I hear you. My husband has zero patience and gets frustrated quickly, thinking that Cosmo "should" know how to do this and that. He undermines my training all the time, primarily when out for a walk, because he usually refuses to take treats or use praise. It is a huge issue in our household but I've had to put my foot down and tell him to stop taking him for a walk. He can drive to the park and play fetch with him instead. After a couple of weeks Cosmo learned to walk on a leash loosely and, though he wouldn't admit it, my husband is thus starting to realize that MAYBE there is something about my training methods that works. We cannot still not take him for a walk together though, we will definitely fight.


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## Bella's Mama (Jun 12, 2011)

I'm glad I'm not alone! We had a talk last night and he's going to work on this issue.


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## Capehank (Aug 3, 2005)

Is your hubby going to puppy school with you? I do know when Izzy and Teddy went to puppy school, my hubby had one pup and I had the other. We both heard the same information and were totally on the same page when it came to training. Now 5 years later, Izzy is having her skills refreshed, we are on the same page and even helping each other. 

Good luck. It will all work.


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## Bella's Mama (Jun 12, 2011)

Yep he's coming! I will be keeping one hawk eye on him and one hawk eye on the pup!


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## Capehank (Aug 3, 2005)

Bella's Mama said:


> Yep he's coming! I will be keeping one hawk eye on him and one hawk eye on the pup!


LOL oh my I am imagining the expression you will have with your eyes going in 2 different directions. LOL:


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## Deb_Bayne (Mar 18, 2011)

I hear your frustration. Just last night hubby was giving Bayne a treat and I've told him that Bayne needs to work for everything he gets. He does the sit, down, rollover but Bayne only rolled halfway and got the treat anyway. Know I know why Bayne was only rolling over halfway for me where before he was practically flipping around just to get the treat. I told him, we teach him 100 x to do a command, mess it up once and we're back to teaching him 100 x all over again. Please don't go halfway, it works on every aspect of Bayne learning to trust us and follow through completely on every command.


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