# I don't know how to deal with it



## Doug (Jul 17, 2010)

First of all welcome to the forum! 
There are lots of people here who share your heart break. We don't know how we do it other than we just take gentle one step at a time.

I am so sorry about what happened to your girl :'( You lost her in such traumatic circumstances. Life can be too cruel sometimes. I can understand your sorrow.

What happened to you is just horrible and you have endured an enormous loss. Please do remember that she is always with you and as always wishes you great happiness and joy as she always did. I believe that she is your newest guardian angel. 

Sometimes things happen in life that we cannot explain. I think that our time on earth is limited and is pre determined even before we are born. Shiva was sent to you to teach you great love and joy. She succeeded in this. Shiva sent you two other fur buddies to heal your heart and once again bring you more joy and love. 

Sometimes by holding on to our fears I feel that we let evil win. Be cautious but make sure that it is in a healthy way. When you are feeling low ask yourself what Shiva would say or want you to do and allow yourself to feel the encouraging and healing love she will send you. This is easier said than done, it is a major process that takes a lot of deliberate practice. She knows that you would have protected her if you could have. This situation was taken out of your hands. 

I wish you the very best in your healing journey. It sounds as though you have a lot of good things in your life, celebrate them even though you don't feel like it because it is the right thing to do and it is what Shiva would want.


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## goldensmum (Oct 23, 2007)

I'm not sure that we ever move on, but we do get better at dealing with our loss, but when that time is - there is no set time. Stay around here and share your happier memories of your lives with Shiva, you may find it helps (I know I have) because people here care and understand.


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## Buddy's mom forever (Jun 23, 2011)

I've read your post couple times and it's on my mind last two days. I wish I could help, but the only thing I could do is to say I am really sorry. There are some evil people in this world who are capable of doing bad things. I could assure you karma will get back to them. Those who can hurt such innocent beings like goldens are, cant expect any good in their life.
Welcome to the forum, I am glad you join us and thank you for sharing your sad story.


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## Sarah~ (Sep 16, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your kind words... It's taken me a few days to be able to get back to this, though I feel like finally sharing all that happened took a little bit of the load off. I haven't talked to anyone about it for a long time. 

I've read a story or two on here a few times the last couple days but that's all I've been able to get through before it gets too hard. In my head I know I did all I could for her but I still have a lot of guilt and anger about it. I feel like Shiva and our family were cheated out of a happy life together, and even though those neighbors moved away shortly after it happened the fear is still there for the dogs I have now. I'm better than I was 3 years ago, but not where I feel like I should be. I think a lot of the shame I feel for holding onto this for so long has kept me from talking about it, too. 

Shiva has definitely given me so much, though. She gave me my Shepherd and the opportunity to rescue my pit mix, and I love them just as much as I loved her, even though I feel a little guilty for that sometimes, too. I know she hates to see me sad now just as much as she hated it when she was alive but I just miss her so much. 

Thanks to everyone again for saying such nice things about her, even though you didn't know her. I really hope reading your stories will be able to help me share some with you about her.


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## dborgers (Dec 7, 2011)

All I can say that might bring comfort is that she's in Heaven and you'll see her again.

What a terrible and traumatic event you went through. Anyone who's experienced a very traumatic event, especially about a love one like your dear girl , can suffer from PTSD. You've been through a huge trauma. It's difficult to move on after something like that. Have you talked to anyone about it? It might help.


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## Sarah~ (Sep 16, 2013)

I have not said much about it to anyone since it happened, even now typing about it I have to take frequent breaks to calm down and cry for a little bit. It's just so hard to think about how she suffered and how I should have been watching her. The only person I've even mentioned things about it to is my boyfriend, he tries to help me but I know its hard for him to think about it too. Most of the time I just try not to think about it but recently Shiva's dad Lambeau died of cancer, it's been hard on the whole family and it's bringing some hard feelings back for me. I am on another forum for German Shepherds and I saw a link to this website, I came here and after looking around for a bit I decided to reach out to you all. I've cried every day since I posted this but I feel like I'm not avoiding it anymore and taking a step forward toward feeling better.


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## Doug (Jul 17, 2010)

This forum was a great support to me in my time of crisis. It helped to release my sorrow through typing when I could not fathom to say the words out loud to people. 

Your posts glow with a lot of love and now we want to bounce that love back to you.
It is time to listen to Shiva and give yourself permission release the negative ties that bind (but still firmly hold onto the eternal love that you will always share.) I am glad that you feel that you can start to do that here

I'm sure that given time your experience and supportive posts will be able to help others through their grief and you will blossom


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## dborgers (Dec 7, 2011)

I survived being hit by a drunk driver doing 75 mph. My best friend was killed in that accident, and I saw the moment it happened. I'm no professional in psychology, but having been through PTSD and recovering from it, my layman's view is it appears you have some symptoms since it continues to hit you so hard 3 years on. The guilt and 'what ifs' weighed heavily on my mind. I learned that's also a symptom of PTSD. It might be a good idea to talk to a professional and run it by them. I tried dealing with it myself for a couple years, but not much changed until I finally reached out for some help to someone who could.

Like Doug said, Shiva is in Heaven and doing OK. Posting about what happened and how it still affects you so deeply was a brave first step.

Glad you found us.


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## Sarah~ (Sep 16, 2013)

dborgers said:


> I survived being hit by a drunk driver doing 75 mph. My best friend was killed in that accident, and I saw the moment it happened. I'm no professional in psychology, but having been through PTSD and recovering from it, my layman's view is it appears you have some symptoms since it continues to hit you so hard 3 years on. The guilt and 'what ifs' weighed heavily on my mind. I learned that's also a symptom of PTSD. It might be a good idea to talk to a professional and run it by them. I tried dealing with it myself for a couple years, but not much changed until I finally reached out for some help to someone who could.
> 
> Like Doug said, Shiva is in Heaven and doing OK. Posting about what happened and how it still affects you so deeply was a brave first step.
> 
> Glad you found us.


Wow... That's really awful what happened to you I'm sorry. Maybe you're right, there could be something else going on since it's still so hard for me. Thank you for the advice  I think I will try to find a professional who may be able to help me work through all of the emotions I have about this. Even just talking to you guys I feel has helped more than just trying to deal with it myself.






Doug said:


> This forum was a great support to me in my time of crisis. It helped to release my sorrow through typing when I could not fathom to say the words out loud to people.
> 
> Your posts glow with a lot of love and now we want to bounce that love back to you.
> It is time to listen to Shiva and give yourself permission release the negative ties that bind (but still firmly hold onto the eternal love that you will always share.) I am glad that you feel that you can start to do that here
> ...


Typing is absolutely much easier than saying it out loud. And everyone being so kind and understanding really helped me post again when I thought for the first day or two I wouldn't be able to come back to this and talk about it some more. Thank you to everyone again everything you've said means a lot to me  I would love for my experience to help someone else through losing a best friend like Shiva was to me.


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## dborgers (Dec 7, 2011)

We're glad you're here   This is a very understanding, compassionate bunch of people, by and large.

I'm happy to read you might talk to someone. There's also the aspect of resentment against who you think was responsible for the poisoning. That's a lot on anyone's plate. 

In the aftermath of the wreck I told you about, I told myself to 'deal with it and get on with life'. It dealt with me. Some things are just too big for us to be able to deal with ourselves. I told myself that 'seeing someone' (a professional) was something only people with big problems did, not something I needed to do. It was a blessing when I finally did. After telling her about what happened and how I just couldn't get past it, she told me if she had to list the the clinical symptoms of PTSD she'd be checking off every one of them in my case. Can't tell you how relieved I was to know it was something that could be treated. Only took me a few visits. She knew what she was doing. 

Again, what happened to you was a very traumatic event. Nothing wrong with where you are now. The good news is it can get better 

Like you said, once you're past this, someday your experience will help someone else and bring them hope they can overcome a similar trauma.

God bless ya. Wish you all the best. I'll continue to check on updates to your thread.


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## maizy's mom (Nov 21, 2012)

I am so sorry. Your post moved me to tears.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Sarah*



Sarah~ said:


> Thank you everyone for your kind words... It's taken me a few days to be able to get back to this, though I feel like finally sharing all that happened took a little bit of the load off. I haven't talked to anyone about it for a long time.
> 
> I've read a story or two on here a few times the last couple days but that's all I've been able to get through before it gets too hard. In my head I know I did all I could for her but I still have a lot of guilt and anger about it. I feel like Shiva and our family were cheated out of a happy life together, and even though those neighbors moved away shortly after it happened the fear is still there for the dogs I have now. I'm better than I was 3 years ago, but not where I feel like I should be. I think a lot of the shame I feel for holding onto this for so long has kept me from talking about it, too.
> 
> ...


Sarah: I am so very sorry for your loss of Shiva, but I am glad you are hear talking about it. Like Dborgers said, it might be ptsd. So glad you might see a therapist about it. There are some very evil people in this world - you had no control over this! As you said, Shiva sent you your two dogs to love. Keep talking to us.


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## Sarah~ (Sep 16, 2013)

I found this great poem... Made me cry like a baby but it really touched me.

She's Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she’s gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

-David Harkins

It's a lot of what you guys have been saying 

I do have a lot of anger towards that person. I just can't wrap my mind around why they would do this. No matter how mad I was at somebody or how much their pet annoyed me I could never ever even think of doing that. I think what happened is helping to motivate me to get my vet tech training and to start my career with animals. 

I called my puppy Shiva instead of Xena today. Seems silly now but at the time it felt weird to say after not saying it for a long time. I didn't do it on purpose it just slipped, probably because I've been thinking about her a lot lately.


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## boomers_dawn (Sep 20, 2009)

I'm sorry for your loss and what happened to Shiva.
I too read a lot of guilt in your posts, from the part about getting upset when she messed in the house to this part: I should have been watching her.

I'm glad writing about it and thinking through it is helping. I think that just getting in touch with and processing your feelings helps you to work through them and then let them go. 

I would probably be having the exact same guilt trip but the reality is we make mistakes, can't watch over every single thing 100% of the time, and don't have control over everything. 

I think it's good you've been thinking of Shiva a lot lately, sounds like you're ready to come to terms with a traumatic incident and move on .. wiser, stronger, and ready to love your new babes and help other animals through vet tech training.

Trust the universe, karma, whatever you want to call it, to take care of your neighbor.


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## Doug (Jul 17, 2010)

What a beautiful poem. I have read my fair share of grief poems but I had not seen that one There are lots of people that will benefit from seeing it. See?? You are _already_ helping others 

Buddy's Mom and Boomber are sooooo right, *let karma "take care of your neighbour"!!!!*


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## Sarah~ (Sep 16, 2013)

I do believe he will get what's coming to him, but it's hard not to be angry and bitter. I wouldn't go out and try to do anything to him but I am not sure I could ever forgive him. And in my head I know it's not my fault, I couldn't have known it was going to happen but I feel bad that just the simplest mistake like not watching her cost Shiva her life.

I watch my dogs now as much as I can, and I've made a point to stay away from my current neighbors and to have a privacy fence with signs to keep people away. One of the reasons I chose the dogs I have now is because of their breed, I thought that would be one more thing to help keep people I don't know or trust away from them. Shiva loved and trusted everybody and look how that was repaid to her.


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## Doug (Jul 17, 2010)

There is a saying that, 
"Holding a grudge is like someone living rent free in your head."
It is also said that noone can make you feel bad without your permission.

By holding onto this negative energy you are blocking yourself from living life to the fullest. Bad things happen to good people. Life tries to teach us that we must get back on the horse no matter how scary it is and live life to the fullest in order for us to be happy again. Andy's Dad is a shining example of this.

This is much easier said than done, just take one step at a time.

"Noone said it would be easy but they did say that it would be worth it."

Check out the Pin Interest website for other inspirational gems


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Sarah*



Doug said:


> There is a saying that,
> "Holding a grudge is like someone living rent free in your head."
> It is also said that noone can make you feel bad without your permission.
> 
> ...


Sarah 
I agree completely with what Doug said about Holding a grudge!
Andy's Dad (dborgers) is also right about getting back on the horse!
I have something that works for getting rid of anger. Put all of your angry feelings about your awful neighbor down on paper, to get it out of your system and then rip it up and throw it away. It is amazing how this works!


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## Elisabeth Kazup (Aug 23, 2008)

I think one of the hardest parts of grief is the guilt we feel. We could have done something; we should have known something; we should have watched more. It's the feeling that, if not for that one shred of time, we could have changed what happened. And we don't forgive ourselves for the 'mistake' we make; that we could have prevented what happened and still have our dog.

I think we all go thru it. I'm old, been around a long time and can't look back on ANYTHING that I could have prevented or changed. Because, everything I did was reasonable at the time, given the circumstances. I made the best decisions I had given the information available.

You had no reason to suspect anything like this would happen so why should you have been watching more carefully? It's that guilt, that PTSD that I think is haunting you now.

I agree with Danny that finding someone to talk to about this would be helpful. Maybe someone thru your church; maybe thru your doctor; maybe thru your country's mental health community. A grief counselor who will let you cry and talk as long as you need to.

My sympathies are with you. I can't imagine having to go thru something like that. I wish I could be there for you...we could cry together.


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