# I lost Drifter, yet I'm feeling okay...



## Martin (Feb 21, 2011)

I dreaded Drifter's death while he was alive. I got him when he was four to be my psychiatric service dog, and I came to depend on him in so many ways. The dependence weakened once I got Dolce and once we moved to Germany where I'm not allowed to take either one with me wherever I go. However, my love for him did not weaken in the slightest. He was so adorable, especially when he jumped up and down with joy when it was time for his kibble, but also when he did just about anything. He was extremely friendly. He loved being pet and had such a soft coat. He was an amazing dog, and I thought I would be utterly devastated when he finally died.

I was sad and worried when his health started to decline, and he could do less and was always in pain. I was upset when he took a sudden turn for the worse. It hurt to see him have such a hard time getting up and walking for even the smallest stretches. The day before he died, he walked out of my room to pee outside, and then came into the living room to lie down. In the evening, he went outside to pee and then came into my room for the night. That was all he moved all day, and he needed encouragement to do even that. It hurt to see him flicking his tongue, wrinkling his nose, and turning his head away no matter what I tried to feed him.

Most of all, it hurt to see him unhappy. Before Monday, the 25th of August, 2014, I never really saw him unhappy. Sometimes something would momentarily bother him, and he wasn't quite as ecstatic when he was old as he was when he was younger, but he seemed pretty happy almost all the time. However, starting that Monday, he looked absolutely miserable all the time. My parents were on vacation, and when they came home on the 30th, he was glad to see them - but only enough to look up and sort of lean in their direction, not enough to smile, much less get up to great them.

I spent practically every minute with him during that last week. I still ate, went to the bathroom, took two showers, and walked Dolce. Other than that, I was with him, even though it meant sitting in the stairwell, etc. for hours. I wanted him to know I loved him, and I wanted to be able to help him if he needed anything.

I gave him until the 31st of August to show any interest in life/living. I wanted to make sure the medication wouldn't eventually work, and I wanted to give my parents a chance to say good-bye. When the vet came, I was relieved that she first put him under anesthesia so he wouldn't be aware of the overdose. He didn't have to get up or be in anyway uncomfortable for the process.

Lupita, our old dog, had a pancreatitis flare-up the day she died, and it hurt her to lie down. While she was being euthanized, she was so tired from the medication and wanted to lie down, but it hurt so much to do it that she kept fighting it. The vet should have given her a painkiller first, but no one thought to ask for one (we did tell the vet it hurt Lupita to lie down, but she didn't adjust her procedure to take that into account).

It wasn't like that for Drifter. He lived a good life. Perhaps some dogs have even better ones, but I cared for him the best I could, and he was happy. When it was clear he didn't want to live, he had a peaceful death.

To be honest, his death came as a relief for me.  Of course I would have loved for him to live longer - but only if he would have enjoyed that. He was miserable for a whole week, and I was relieved when his misery ended.

At first I would find myself doing things I had been doing for so many years but no longer made sense, like looking under my desk while I was waiting for a webpage to load (Drifter was usually down there; now there's just a fur-covered mattress), going to pick up a second food bowl when I was putting away Dolce's, etc. I would feel sad when I realized I didn't have to do these things anymore. There was one episode right at the beginning where I was in physical pain from missing him so much, but it only lasted a few minutes.

That was the extent of my grief. While depression is no stranger to me, I did not become depressed when he got so sick nor when he died. While I usually cry when I read about someone else losing their dog, I didn't cry about losing Drifter. I'm able to go on living my life without a problem. I still think about him, but the memories bring no pain. I loved him and he knew it, he loved me and I knew it, and he had a good life. I have no real regrets in that regard.

The biggest emotional problem I have with his death is not having a problem. I almost feel like a monster for not having a breakdown. When so many little things can make my emotions spiral out-of-control, how can I be okay with losing him? There's a part of me that's afraid that my love for him somehow wasn't valid/as real as other people's because I'm not completely devastated.

Am I the only person to react this way?


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## AmberSunrise (Apr 1, 2009)

The putting your dog before yourself is a sign of not only strength but a deep love for your dog.

Not wanting them to be unhappy or in pain when you cannot make them better -- we do what is best for them.


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## ssacres (Sep 29, 2012)

How long you grieve has nothing to do with how much you loved. It is clear you loved Drifter with all your heart.


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## Doug (Jul 17, 2010)

I am sorry that your best buddy got sick
They say that true love is putting another's happiness above your own and that is what you did. You now honor him with warm memories which is the way he should be remembered

I prepared myself for the end as our connection was so intense. By the time it came I was mentally and emotionally prepared. While there was a huge energy shift and I think of her daily there is an acceptance about the circle of life and going back to the magical place from where she came.

There is a certain process of disengaging when they are sick. Had she been taken unexpectedly at a younger age I am not so sure that my ability to cope would have been the same. 

We have been blessed with a incredible companions and for that we are proud .They are not here for a long time but a good time and our pups certainly have achieved that


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## jennretz (Jul 24, 2013)

Perhaps you did your grieving while he was still alive?


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## Rookie's Dad (Feb 19, 2014)

My loss was very difficult for me, I knew what the end would be, and I accepted it. Rookie knew our love for him was real, and his love for us was very real. I can relate to your sense of relief at the end, it was like a heavy weight being lifted off, and the pain was gone. So, in reading your post, there is no problem in the way you feel, and I'm sure Drifter is in a better place, at the Bridge with all the rest of the gang.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Drifter*

What you wrote about your relationship with Drifter was SO BEAUTIFUL-it is clear how much you loved him. I agree with Jennretz, that maybe you grieved while he was still alive.

When my Smooch became ill and was declining for two weeks, I think I was so afraid that I wouldn't be there when she died and I couldn't bear to see her suffer, no matter what. So when it came time to take Smooch to the vet to say goodbye, it was a relief in a way, for Ken and I. I think letting a dog you love go, when they are suffering, is the greatest love.

I put Drifter on the Rainbow Bridge List and I am glad you have Dolce!
http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com...ow-bridge-list-grf-2014-a-15.html#post4955490


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## Martin (Feb 21, 2011)

Thank you; your replies made me feel a little better. I think I did do a lot of my grieving before he actually died. I had a week to say goodbye, and that helped. The first day or so afterwards, I found myself almost regretting going through with the euthanasia because I missed him so much - but then I remembered how he felt before, and I knew I had made the right decision.

This is going to sound a little morbid, but my mother told me she was jealous of Drifter. She has pancreas cancer and will most likely die in a matter of months. She said she would love to get a shot like he did - not right now because she can still enjoy life right now, but once the cancer progresses to the point where she'll only be in pain, she'd like to have a way out. It doesn't work that way for humans, though, at least not in Germany.

I've attached the last two photos we made of Drifter. The blurry one was taken the day before he died. He looks happier in that photo than he did for most of the week, but even here you can see he wasn't feeling well. The face shot was taken a few months earlier. He looks a bit serious in it; I think he was just sleepy, though. He hadn't start limping, and his back pain was still controlled by his pain medication, but I don't know if the brain cancer had already affected him. He wasn't diagnosed with it until that last week.


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## GoldenMum (Mar 15, 2010)

I can totally understand, my Bonnie past last October from Oral Osteosarcoma. It was so very hard to put her down as she could still take two mile hikes, and swim like a champ. She could no longer eat, and would run and hide when I would try to syringe feed her.
Clyde was much easier, he passed in January. He had cancer on most of his organs, could no longer walk very far. We had a wonderful final two months of buggy rides through the park he loved. He got up one morning and could no longer walk at all, and refused food. The decision was easy for him, he was ready; I knew I was doing what was best for him.
My heart breaks for your loss, and I am tearing up writing about my losses; I miss them so very much!


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Drifter*



Martin said:


> Thank you; your replies made me feel a little better. I think I did do a lot of my grieving before he actually died. I had a week to say goodbye, and that helped. The first day or so afterwards, I found myself almost regretting going through with the euthanasia because I missed him so much - but then I remembered how he felt before, and I knew I had made the right decision.
> 
> This is going to sound a little morbid, but my mother told me she was jealous of Drifter. She has pancreas cancer and will most likely die in a matter of months. She said she would love to get a shot like he did - not right now because she can still enjoy life right now, but once the cancer progresses to the point where she'll only be in pain, she'd like to have a way out. It doesn't work that way for humans, though, at least not in Germany.
> 
> I've attached the last two photos we made of Drifter. The blurry one was taken the day before he died. He looks happier in that photo than he did for most of the week, but even here you can see he wasn't feeling well. The face shot was taken a few months earlier. He looks a bit serious in it; I think he was just sleepy, though. He hadn't start limping, and his back pain was still controlled by his pain medication, but I don't know if the brain cancer had already affected him. He wasn't diagnosed with it until that last week.


Thanks for attaching the photos of Drifter, what a gorgeous boy. You did the right thing! I have heard many people say what your Mom did! We let our dogs go, when we thought they were suffering and there was no hope of a cure.


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## mddolson (Jul 10, 2012)

Martin, 
Your loss of Drifter is so very much like our(husky-shepherd) Romeo. He was 13 years 10 months old when we had to make the final trip to the vet in mid November. His health & mobility had been going down hill for a year. We thought we going to loose him in the summer, but he rallied, and stayed with us another 3 months.
Near the end he too struggled to get up & go out each day, when he fell & we had to assist him up the stairs we knew the time was near.
His story is here in the Rainbow Bridge forum.
I too was saddened by his passing, but not devastated. He had a good life with us & we knew it was time. 

Mike D


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## JanetBionda (Jul 21, 2014)

He was a beautiful boy and it's clear you loved him very much. I agree that you went through the grieving process prior to losing him.


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## Glassbuttercup (Jan 22, 2012)

Maybe you just have it in check right now. I did this with my Berner, Brina, I loved her dearly, she was such a fun lovable dog and when it was time for her to go I knew that I was doing the right thing and I was OK. Several days later I was watching tv and a tickle me Elmo commercial came on and that was all it took for the tears to flow big time because Brina LOVED her tickle me Elmo! There are still times that I will get teary eyed when something reminds me of her. Just don't be surprised if it sneaks up on you, take the time to grieve when your ready


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