# I failed him



## Lbisuz (Aug 13, 2014)

I have been in a better place lately and the smiles about his antics far outweighed the tears. It has been almost 8 weeks and I had wounds that were healing.

I needed to clean out some email and now I'm sobbing like a baby. I found an email that I had forgotten the date on that informed me Chunky's sister passed from lymphosarcoma. It was dated 4 weeks before Chunk died.

Why didn't I take him in to get checked? I was so stupid and I hope he forgives me. I will never forgive myself for this. I could be holding him right now. So stupid. I'm so sorry my boy, I failed you.


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## Melfice (Aug 4, 2012)

Chunky knew you loved him, and you did not fail your boy. And I'm sorry about your loss.


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## kellyguy (Mar 5, 2014)

What you are feeling is a natural part of the grieving process, although not a healthy one. Guilt serves no good purpose but to drag you down emotionally.
The very nature of the cancers that take our furbabies from us is insidious in that most often it is undetectable before it metasticizes and once that occurs treatment is not curative, merely life extending.
I'm sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.


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## Lbisuz (Aug 13, 2014)

Thank you both, but in this case my vet told me the hemangiasarcoma had developed in the last 4-6 weeks. I could have stopped it and given him a chance. I think I should feel guilty for this...I was over guilt for other reasons. I don't know how to forgive myself for this though.


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## Pegsgold (Apr 25, 2009)

I understand your feeling of failure, in hind sight, we always feel we could or should have done more. I have lost a few goldens over the years to hemangiosarcoma, a terrible disease. I have spoken with a vet friend who tells me it would be very difficult to estimate or give a time frame for when this would have developed. I did have one golden where it was caught early, only to lose her 4 months later as it had metastasized to another spot unbeknownst to us. It is the nature of this beast cancer, it doesn't play by the rules. You did nothing wrong. You loved with all your heart, there is no greater gift. Be gentle with yourself, Chunk would want that.


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

Lbisuz said:


> Thank you both, but in this case my vet told me the hemangiasarcoma had developed in the last 4-6 weeks. I could have stopped it and given him a chance. I think I should feel guilty for this...I was over guilt for other reasons. I don't know how to forgive myself for this though.


You do not have anything to be guilty about. There is every likelihood that if you had taken him in for an exam they would not have found anything, or if they had, often times it is so aggressive and develops so quickly there is no time to do anything. Hemangiosarcoma is evil lurking and hiding and the huge majority of owners are never aware the dog has it until it is long past too late to do anything. If someone by shear luck finds out earlier, it is in most cases not treatable. 

Please try not to "what if". Guilt is part of grieving, but there is no reason to pile on more guilt.


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## Goldylover2 (May 1, 2014)

I was in the same boat as you Lbisuz. I felt guilty also. You can't predict the future. You didn't know your dog had anything wrong with him. My golden died suddenly 1.5 half hours after a mile and a half hike at the park. If only I would of taken her to the vet immediately that night. But realistically it probably would of been worse. Even if they could of saved her that night. It was probably going to be a long road and a costly one to boot. She died within a half n hour of handing me her paw. She showed no signs of being in pain. I don't even know what she died from. Vets guess was heart related. Guilt is part of the grieving process. It will pass. Just try and remember all the good times. Your best friend Chunky probably had the best life and wouldn't of picked another owner.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Lbisuz*



Lbisuz said:


> Thank you both, but in this case my vet told me the hemangiasarcoma had developed in the last 4-6 weeks. I could have stopped it and given him a chance. I think I should feel guilty for this...I was over guilt for other reasons. I don't know how to forgive myself for this though.


Lbisuz

There is nothing you could have done to prevent the hemangiosarcoma-it is very fast moving. I agree with Kellyguy that guilt is part of the grieving process, but not a healthy one and serves no purpose except to punish us.
Our Samoyed, Snobear, who was the picture of health developed hemangiosarcoma literally overnight and we had to make the decision to send him to the Rainbow Bridge.


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## Lbisuz (Aug 13, 2014)

Everyone, thank you for your replies. After a lot of crying and talking through this with some friends here is what I realized. 

I had "forgiven" myself for my perceived wrong in not knowing that something was wrong with my boy. I was moving forward (reluctantly), but forward. Part of my thoughts in forgiving myself was that I thought that email came in April. Wayyyy earlier than 4-6 weeks of what I was told it had developed.

Enter the new date and it set me on my a#s. I had a pretty bad morning, followed by a sad afternoon yesterday. Today, still a little sad about it, but I keep telling myself that he lived a good life and was loved beyond belief.

Cancer was the reason, not me. So I can have the regret and focus on that...or I can remember my beautiful boy and the way he made everyday a wonderful day. I chose the later.


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## Anon-2130948gsoni (Apr 12, 2014)

Hemangio doesn't stop or even slow down for anyone or anything. I lost my Boomer four days after clean x-rays on a Monday--he collapsed on Thursday and the x-rays at the e-vet showed mets all through his lungs and bleeding into his abdomen.

It's my belief that vets currently know very little about this disease and that many, many more dogs die from it than we realize because it's so stealthy and attacks in so many different pathways.

Please be kind to yourself. There was nothing you could have done and in a way, not knowing might have been better. He got to live those last weeks without you being stressed and terrified, which he would have known. He had a wonderful, normal life until the end and that's thanks to you and your love for him.

Sending you a hug.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Lbisuz*

Lbisuz

Please be kind to yourself. Glad to hear you had a better day.
There was nothing you could have done, no matter how long you knew about it.


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## Lbisuz (Aug 13, 2014)

Thank you Karen and Nor'easter...I'm doing my best to be kind to myself. 

My friends who have Goldens to mutts have been stopping by so I can give some love and get it!


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Your friends*



Lbisuz said:


> Thank you Karen and Nor'easter...I'm doing my best to be kind to myself.
> 
> My friends who have Goldens to mutts have been stopping by so I can give some love and get it!


So glad your friends are giving you a Golden fix!!


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## JEAMARSWA (Aug 7, 2012)

Lbisuz said:


> Thank you both, but in this case my vet told me the hemangiasarcoma had developed in the last 4-6 weeks. I could have stopped it and given him a chance. I think I should feel guilty for this...I was over guilt for other reasons. I don't know how to forgive myself for this though.


Please do not let guilt consume you. My boy is suffering from Mast Cell Tumours and there are no certainties even with extra information you may have. Your Golden would not begrudge what you see as a failing but I don't think it was - I like to think that fate plays a part in us having Goldens who are such special beings. I have been faced with dilemmas as to the right thing to do for my boy and balancing the risk of suffering against extra time. Your Golden would have loved you so much as is apparent from the feeling you show in your writing to strangers and you obviously loved your Golden. Please please please consider the following very seriously - had you have thought about the email would you then have had to make decisions to put your dog through chemo, or difficult treatments, would there have been complications like my boy who unexpectedly developed a seroma and his whole neck swelled up and he needed repeat surgery. Maybe you finding the email was your Goldens way of telling you that it was the right thing that you didn't know as maybe treatment wouldn't have been the right thing for your Golden. Maybe this is the message from beyond to say look what I could have been going through maybe your Golden wants to help you move on. I know this sounds crazy but sometimes fate and our Goldens help point us in the right direction in life. Some animals can cope with many treatments and trauma and some owners too but others can't. I was told it is not the years in our life that are important but the life in our years - please apply that to your Golden - its the love you shared while your Golden was here that matters not how many days you shared it for. If you still feel guilty then think another way - if your Golden retriever had tripped you up one day by accident and you broke your arm would you have wanted them to feel guilty and sad forever more. Absolutely not because you loved your Golden and they loved you. My heart truly breaks for you as each time I make a difficult decision for my dog I am filled with angst as to the right thing to do - I have come to believe that the right thing is just to love our Goldens - and believe me had you have remembered the email it would have not necessarily been an easy ride for you both with no guarantees at the end. If fate has helped you to prevent further upset for you and your Golden then cling to that and let go of the guilt. My heart breaks as my boy gets more lumps, indeed tomorrow he is back at the specialists with another large lump that has appeared. I used to worry that he would pick up my fear and sadness but now I just love him and let him know Im doing my best. Goldens love us more for our flaws than our perfections thats why we love them so much in return. Please please please do not be filled with guilt, your Golden filled you with all that love to keep forever, lift the weight of guilt so you can make your Golden proud and let all that love fill your heart instead. How many memories did your Golden give you, that was so when you were no longer together you could remember your life together, thats what matters not guilt. I send this email not to humour you or to just make you feel better but because I believe every word in it and as I have sought comfort from it in this difficult time with my boy. My boy and I send you best wishes and a hope you can start replaying your memories and through them bring your Golden back into your life.


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## JEAMARSWA (Aug 7, 2012)

*Please Don't Be Guilty - Here's Why!!!*

Please do not let guilt consume you. My boy is suffering from Mast Cell Tumours and there are no certainties even with extra information you may have. Your Golden would not begrudge what you see as a failing but I don't think it was - I like to think that fate plays a part in us having Goldens who are such special beings. I have been faced with dilemmas as to the right thing to do for my boy and balancing the risk of suffering against extra time. Your Golden would have loved you so much as is apparent from the feeling you show in your writing to strangers and you obviously loved your Goldie. Please please please consider the following very seriously - had you have thought about the email would you then have had to make decisions to put your dog through chemo, or difficult treatments, would there have been complications like my boy who unexpectedly developed a seroma and his whole neck swelled up and he needed repeat surgery. Maybe you finding the email was your Goldens way of telling you that it was the right thing that you didn't know as maybe treatment wouldn't have been the right thing for your Golden. Maybe this is the message from beyond to say look what I could have been going through maybe your Golden wants to help you move on. I know this sounds crazy but sometimes fate and our Goldens help point us in the right direction in life. Some animals can cope with many treatments and trauma and some owners too but others can't. I was told it is not the years in our life that are important but the life in our years - please apply that to your Golden - its the love you shared while your Golden was here that matters not how many days you shared it for. If you still feel guilty then think another way - if your Golden retriever had tripped you up one day by accident and you broke your arm would you have wanted them to feel guilty and sad forever more. Absolutely not because you loved your Golden and they loved you. My heart truly breaks for you as each time I make a difficult decision for my dog I am filled with angst as to the right thing to do - I have come to believe that the right thing is just to love our Goldens - and believe me had you have remembered the email it would have not necessarily been an easy ride for you both with no guarantees at the end. If fate has helped you to prevent further upset for you and your Golden then cling to that and let go of the guilt. My heart breaks as my boy gets more lumps, indeed tomorrow he is back at the specialists with another large lump that has appeared. I used to worry that he would pick up my fear and sadness but now I just love him and let him know Im doing my best. Goldens love us more for our flaws than our perfections thats why we love them so much in return. Please please please do not be filled with guilt, your Golden filled you with all that love to keep forever, lift the weight of guilt so you can make your Golden proud and let all that love fill your heart instead. How many memories did your Golden give you, that was so when you were no longer together you could remember your life together, thats what matters not guilt. I send this email not to humour you or to just make you feel better but because I believe every word in it and as I have sought comfort from it in this difficult time with my boy. My boy and I send you best wishes and a hope you can start replaying your memories and through them bring your Golden back into your life.


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## Lbisuz (Aug 13, 2014)

Jeamarswa, beautiful post, thank you. I am sending you and your boy wishes for as much health and happiness as can be. 

You made me laugh when you said "if your Golden had tripped you up..." because he did just that. I have reminders in my ankle from him dropping a ball at my feet while I was on a chair cleaning. Ankle rolled better than i did! Chunky just kissed me as I cried on the ground. Two weeks in a brace and twinges still if I land wrong.

Best wishes to you both. &#55357;&#56471;


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## 3 goldens (Sep 30, 2005)

No, you did not fail. When my Hunter died following his ProHeart6 injection back Oct. 16, 2003, I totally blamed myself for having switched him from the pill to the injection. AFTER his death a did research on it and found it had killed so many dogs. Only thing in my defense--I had never used a computer and had to go to our tiny city library and be showed how to do it. Also, I was to trusting and NEVE thought a killer drug would be allowed to remain once it was known what it was doing---PH6 was pulled by the FDA 10 months after Hunter's death because it had killed so many dogs, causes such severe reactions in so many others.

It is back on the market--off 4 years being reformulated. And I no longer blame myself. People had reported it over and over to Fort Dodge and they wre ignored--as was I when I first reported it. They knew it was doing this but the $$$$ was more important. It was not my fault Hunter died, it was theirs.

And you baby, every chance it could have been missed. I just lot my Shaggy to spleen cancer--it was not detected until it started bleeding. Never blame yourself, just keep the grand memories.


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