# 1 year old male lacks affection and I’m heartbroken



## Hildae (Aug 15, 2012)

Is he fixed?


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## RR_A2 (Mar 18, 2021)

Hildae said:


> Is he fixed?


No he’s not. His temperament with other dogs is so good we don’t want to neuter him. If we end up doing it we are waiting until he’s 18 months.


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## Megora (Jun 7, 2010)

RR_A2 said:


> When he comes to me he wants something - to play, food, or a walk. I feel like he doesn’t love me and I’m just a source of entertainment or food for him. he paws at me, mouths me, grabs my clothes, or grabs something he knows he’s not suppose to (like a kitchen towel). He also humps me and grabs my clothes and bites when I try to play fetch or tug with him. I haven’t been able to teach him anything new bc he just gets annoyed and wants the treats. He doesn’t act like this with my husband so I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong? A lot of his puppy behavior has slowly diminished over time but this is still frustrating me.


Well, if you don't want him grabbing your clothes, mouthing, grabbing stuff and trying to play tug....don't play tug. So many people think playing tug is the bees knees - but it encourages a lot of bad behaviors.

Humping has nothing to do with him being intact. As you describe it, it's when he's all hyped up. Same thing with the biting. 

Am only guessing at some of what might be happening when you are playing with your dog, but would assume he is playing with you the same way he would play with other dogs. Watch dogs and see how they play - especially dogs who are very close. They don't play patty cake.  I have to watch my two youngest dogs to call them off when they get too rough (grabbing each others legs and tugging as example). 

As far as why he doesn't do any of this with your husband - I'm assuming your husband is bigger, has a deeper voice, and very likely at some point put a very quick end to some of the behaviors you describe. It generally is the case. The higher your voice, the more you have to work at sounding authoritative (vs yappy-yippy) to the dogs. 

As far as cuddling and being affectionate - I have 3 golden retrievers who are very much my dogs. All 3 of them have their own ways of showing that. One of them is the type who will not leave me to potty or eat even if I'm still in bed. Then if I'm outside, he is always right by me. He has his cuddly moments, but his way of being affectionate is being near me. If a dog chooses to be in your space and go where you go - that is affection.


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## Dunmar (Apr 15, 2020)

My girl wasnt cuddly at all u til about 11 months old. Now I can't go to the bathroom without her laying her head on my knee. 
He will find his way of showing affection. Might not be laying in your lap but it will be something. 
He's still puppy


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## SRW (Dec 21, 2018)

Sounds like normal untrained, spoiled dog behavior to me.


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

He is a bratty teenager, and it's totally normal. Goldens start to be affectionate and cuddle more about 2 years old. Be patient.

You definitely need to sign up for training classes, and I would have a trainer come to your home and work with you on specific problems you are having. But definitely get into training with him. You should have already. In addition to teaching you how to train your dog, the training creates a bond and communication between you and your dog, and that's what you are looking for.


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## RR_A2 (Mar 18, 2021)

Megora said:


> Well, if you don't want him grabbing your clothes, mouthing, grabbing stuff and trying to play tug....don't play tug. So many people think playing tug is the bees knees - but it encourages a lot of bad behaviors.
> 
> Humping has nothing to do with him being intact. As you describe it, it's when he's all hyped up. Same thing with the biting.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply! Yeah my husband doesn’t tolerate it he says I’m too “soft” but i don’t know how to be any more stern! It is probably my voice. I can try ending tug games maybe that’ll help!


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## RR_A2 (Mar 18, 2021)

mylissyk said:


> He is a bratty teenager, and it's totally normal. Goldens start to be affectionate and cuddle more about 2 years old. Be patient.
> 
> You definitely need to sign up for training classes, and I would have a trainer come to your home and work with you on specific problems you are having. But definitely get into training with him. You should have already. In addition to teaching you how to train your dog, the training creates a bond and communication between you and your dog, and that's what you are looking for.


Thank you! Ive heard this from others about the time it takes them to mature but I’m always afraid I’m the exception to the rule because of something I did when he was younger. When we meet other golden owners or large dog owners they always compliment us on his behavior”for his age”. So maybe I’m too critical with him...this is my first golden so I’m still learning. I love the breed, though.
He’s been through obedience classes and excels. We also do many commands throughout the day he doesn’t just run a muck ha ha. I’m a bit hesitant to hire someone because of the cost in the area... do you have any suggestions for what to look for in a good trainer? Like specific certifications?


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## RR_A2 (Mar 18, 2021)

SRW said:


> Sounds like normal untrained, spoiled dog behavior to me.


He’s trained in basic obedience and we make him do many commands during the day - sit, stay, down, leave it, drop it. He has to work for anything, we follow “nothing in life is free”. Do you have any suggestions for training? He is part of a field line and is very athletic I would like to get him into a sport but i don’t know where to start.


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## SRW (Dec 21, 2018)

RR_A2 said:


> I would like to get him into a sport but i don’t know where to start.


If you are interested in field trials and/or hunt tests I would recommend finding a nearby club, hopefully there is one.
Look on Entry Express Entry Express Event Management Systems
Or let me know where you are located, I may be able to point you toward other amateur field trainers.

Your dog being from field lines and being 1 year old explains much of the behavior. He has tons of energy and needs to burn it off. 
You can do a lot of field training alone but it is much easier if you have a group to train with.


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## RR_A2 (Mar 18, 2021)

SRW said:


> If you are interested in field trials and/or hunt tests I would recommend finding a nearby club, hopefully there is one.
> Look on Entry Express Entry Express Event Management Systems
> Or let me know where you are located, I may be able to point you toward other amateur field trainers.
> 
> ...


Yes and I love his energy just not the naughty behavior that comes with it sometimes. I plan on having him as my running partner but I’m waiting until he’s at least 18 months for his joints. I’m in Ann Arbor, MI.


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## Brave (Oct 26, 2012)

I think most of the disconnects re: "my dog isn't affectionate" are just communication issues. Dogs communicate (and ultimately act) differently than humans do. For humans affection can be physical touch: hugs, kisses, physical closeness, etc. For dogs affection could be following you around, sleeping near you, waking up when you move so they can stay close to you, bringing you their favorite toys, etc. 

I have what I would consider an EXTREMELY affectionate bitch. Lana loves to bring me toys and when she WANTS something she will hit that touch trigger by laying her head on my stomach (but I can see that for a tactic and not true affection), and when I'm sleeping she will often sleep NEAR me but almost never cuddled up together. She'll be on the other side of the couch from me or at the foot of the bed or even on the floor next to the bed but not under the covers with me. And sometimes she does grace me with cuddles (rarely even under the cover cuddles in the winter) and I reward her by rubbing her belly. But ultimately I find our "affection" is when we both get something out of it.


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## SRW (Dec 21, 2018)

RR_A2 said:


> I’m waiting until he’s at least 18 months for his joints.


That is a myth. Keep in mind that retrievers are not meant to be marathon runners.


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## Goldie_lover (Jan 3, 2021)

It took my boy 2 years to start being cuddly. Even now, he will not sleep in bed with us because it's too hot. He will snuggle for 10-15 minutes and jump off the bed.

Like any behavior, you can train him. My husband used to get really sad about the lack of cuddles and started treating him for napping with us or laying his head on his lap. He no longer treats him, but our dog has learned that we like and will praise him for snuggling.

My dog is also from field lines and displayed inappropriate mouthing behavior from 12-18 months. I recommend ramping up mental activity and formal training. My pup was enrolled in Rally and Nosework during that time and he learned impulse control. He was also exhausted despite these activities not being physically rigorous. 

Finally, I applaud your decision to keep your dog intact. My dog is intact and will remain that way for the rest of his life barring prostate cancer. It's not just for their joints, but lower rates of cancer and lower rates of obesity.


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## SRW (Dec 21, 2018)

Goldie_lover said:


> He was also exhausted despite these activities not being physically rigorous.


That’s good training. A combination of physical and mental challenges. Retrievers thrive on it.
It also strengthens the bond between dog and handler. You become a team each dependent on the others performance.


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## RR_A2 (Mar 18, 2021)

Goldie_lover said:


> It took my boy 2 years to start being cuddly. Even now, he will not sleep in bed with us because it's too hot. He will snuggle for 10-15 minutes and jump off the bed.
> 
> Like any behavior, you can train him. My husband used to get really sad about the lack of cuddles and started treating him for napping with us or laying his head on his lap. He no longer treats him, but our dog has learned that we like and will praise him for snuggling.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your reply! Good to hear that I’m not alone in the mouthiness at this age I just want it to end. I’m anxious that it’s something I did wrong or he’s “broken” as dramatic as that sounds. I will look into those activities you mentioned thanks for the that.
I really poured all my energy into researching this breed and doing what is best for him which includes not getting him fixed! Ugh and if I had a dollar for everytime someone told me he will settle down after we fix him.. eye roll.
He will do anything for a treat so maybe I can teach him to be more snuggly


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## RR_A2 (Mar 18, 2021)

SRW said:


> That is a myth. Keep in mind that retrievers are not meant to be marathon runners.


A myth to wait until 18 months? When do I know a good time? And absolutely I would never run him far... it would be short jogs on a trail.


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## SRW (Dec 21, 2018)

RR_A2 said:


> A myth to wait until 18 months? When do I know a good time? And absolutely I would never run him far... it would be short jogs on a trail.


That would be great for your dog. Bring water especially if it’s hot. 
There are many 18 month old retrievers running derbies, quals, hunt tests etc.
Jake and I got our limit of pheasants on his first birthday. He had a good number of birds to his credit before that.


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## Goldie_lover (Jan 3, 2021)

RR_A2 said:


> Thanks so much for your reply! Good to hear that I’m not alone in the mouthiness at this age I just want it to end. I’m anxious that it’s something I did wrong or he’s “broken” as dramatic as that sounds. I will look into those activities you mentioned thanks for the that.
> I really poured all my energy into researching this breed and doing what is best for him which includes not getting him fixed! Ugh and if I had a dollar for everytime someone told me he will settle down after we fix him.. eye roll.
> He will do anything for a treat so maybe I can teach him to be more snuggly


I know exactly how you feel. The week after my dog's first birthday, I took him on a 5 mile hike and we returned to our car, he got super jumpy and mouthy and ripped my expensive jacket and bruised my forearm in the process. I sat in the car crying because I thought I had a "damaged" Golden. I mean what else could I do? He got tons of exercise and socialization (weekly daycare). My breeder recommended that I start these classes. Goldens, especially field Goldens, need to use their brains. They are smart and need the satisfaction of working. 

I chose do nosework because my dog's parents/g-parents are search and rescue dogs. We now compete in AKC and UKC trials! I also chose Rally because it looked fun. I now do Agility because my facility makes us wait until the dogs are 2 before we start for joint safety.

It was a game changer! I cannot stress how much it helped! Zero bad behavior now! 

You will absolutely be able to work through this. Based on your post, you seem like a very involved and committed owner. I was able to find several facilities in Ann Arbor for dog sports. Pick 1-2 that you and your pup will enjoy. Good luck!


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## RR_A2 (Mar 18, 2021)

Goldie_lover said:


> I know exactly how you feel. The week after my dog's first birthday, I took him on a 5 mile hike and we returned to our car, he got super jumpy and mouthy and ripped my expensive jacket and bruised my forearm in the process. I sat in the car crying because I thought I had a "damaged" Golden. I mean what else could I do? He got tons of exercise and socialization (weekly daycare). My breeder recommended that I start these classes. Goldens, especially field Goldens, need to use their brains. They are smart and need the satisfaction of working.
> 
> I chose do nosework because my dog's parents/g-parents are search and rescue dogs. We now compete in AKC and UKC trials! I also chose Rally because it looked fun. I now do Agility because my facility makes us wait until the dogs are 2 before we start for joint safety.
> 
> ...


The jumping, ripping of clothes, and bruises. been there. and it’s so embarrassing to admit. Your reply made me a little teary eyed. I am looking into a nosework workshop next weekend! He will love it I’m not sure why I didn’t do it earlier. Well... his attention span was very small for a while haha. I can’t thank you enough!


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## RR_A2 (Mar 18, 2021)

SRW said:


> That would be great for your dog. Bring water especially if it’s hot.
> There are many 18 month old retrievers running derbies, quals, hunt tests etc.
> Jake and I got our limit of pheasants on his first birthday. He had a good number of birds to his credit before that.


They’re such athletic dogs! Thanks for all your help I’m looking into nose work and other sports we can do together to satisfy his needs and strengthen our bond.


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## MintChip (Feb 26, 2021)

SRW said:


> That is a myth. Keep in mind that retrievers are not meant to be marathon runners.



Thanks for putting it out there. Such a huge myth. I think huskies are more adept at marathon running. My pup really only enjoys the quick sprint and he's done.


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## Goldenblitz (Feb 8, 2021)

MintChip said:


> Thanks for putting it out there. Such a huge myth. I think huskies are more adept at marathon running. My pup really only enjoys the quick sprint and he's done.


What age do you think they can start short jogs? I too was planning on waiting for the joints, though I was told jumping is worse for the joints than running. I’m planning on asking our vet but curious what experienced owners think. Our last golden didn’t run with me but our new golden is from a field line so I am hoping to take him for jogs with me when he is old enough-in addition to agility, nose work, rally, obedience etc. Really excited and looking forward to the different training and events and building our bond.


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## SRW (Dec 21, 2018)

I am not a vet or an expert on the subject. Play with your puppy, go for walks, do basic obedience training, let him run and explore. When he lays down he is tired, let him rest.


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## the_real_george_forman (Jan 3, 2020)

Been there! Our dog mouthed clothing/arms until well past his first birthday and he's not even from a field line! We ran him when he turned 15 months old, just when we were on long road trips and needed to wear him out, but we noticed he walked kind of slow afterwards and decided not to run him again. 
Ours was always affectionate with my husband but didn't act that way around me until nearly 2 years old, after he was fixed. Maybe it was because I've been furloughed during the pandemic and he didn't sense the "always in a hurry" vibe from me anywhere when I spent (every waking moment ha) time with him. I do think he calmed down a lot after we fixed him, but he also gained weight so I think that just made him lazier. He's a few pounds up still but we're on the right track. He honestly became SUCH a lover and believe me, he was so wired at one year old. I think if your dog brings you toys to play, he loves you! Like others have said, ours shadows us like crazy but rarely snuggles _right_ up next to us. He's always within an arms reach though. 
I think it will get better! Ours also humps the couch on occasion, at night, after play time. It's a total stimulation thing so don't neuter him just to stop that. We couldn't have made it much past 20 months because we rely on a dog park and live in a dense dog area...but I wish we hadn't had to neuter him.


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