# Why can't I make peace with my Buddy's passing?



## lhowemt (Jun 28, 2013)

Have faith that your grief and path through this time is evolving the way it should. Why? No one knows. Try to be at peace with what today is. Fighting that is fighting against what is to come, including the good and wonderful in life. Hugs.

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## alligeek (Nov 4, 2007)

*hugs* It's hard because they're not just pets or animals to us. They're our companions, our children, our family. When you connect on that level with someone (human or not), it's agonizing when they leave.

I struggle with the idea that Abby's soul couldn't rest, too. The thought breaks my heart. We also had to help her to the Bridge at a relatively young age, and although I firmly believe that we did the right thing for her, it's not easy to forget or let go of that guilt.

You're going through the grieving process and that can take a long time. All I can say is that you need to grieve in the way that feels right for you and don't pressure yourself to feel a certain way.


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## Tennyson (Mar 26, 2011)

V, I think you have made peace with Buddy's passing but you just don't recognize it. You may be pushing that peace away with your loyalty to Buddy and aren't realizing that your mind and heart are at peace.


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## KathyL (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh Velinka, I just hurt so much for you. I think everyone grieves differently and everyone handles things in life differently. Buddy was special and when that happens you don't ever want to lose them. I am sure he is at peace and I firmly believe that sometimes we have to make the decision to end the life of our beloved dog. We have to bear the pain and hurt so they do not have to suffer. It is unnatural in a way, but what is the alternative? If you know your dog will die naturally in their sleep that would be ideal, but unfortunately that doesn't always happen. But you answered your question, "I just love him so much and I can't let go" and yes it hurts, but the bond you had -- actually still have -- is beautiful.


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## Elisabeth Kazup (Aug 23, 2008)

I go thru the same thing. I don't want to let go of my grief because it will be like letting go of Penny. I don't want to let go of her. The more I remember her, actually dwell on her, the closer she still is.

But, this isn't a good 'place' for me to be. It won't change anything, it won't bring her back. This 'place' is not a place of living. It's more like a limbo where I can't have what I cherished so much and won't let go so I can have the joy that is yet to come.

I choose to let go. I still cry when I remember things and when I talk about her...like now. But it's more of a sadness for the loss, not grief. I've come to accept that I did what I could, that it was inevitable. I feel a light beginning to come on again. I was actually interested in cleaning out flower beds; actually interested in starting a new knitting project; went out to lunch and actually enjoyed the laughter from the next table. Who knows? Maybe their dog died recently too.

I don't believe it's because we're getting a puppy. We're getting a puppy because we knew we'd be better by then and would want to have a golden in our home. The puppy doesn't have a job; it isn't to heal our hearts. We're doing that ourselves. It's to bring us the same love and laughter that Penny brought, just by being himself.

You have to give yourself permission to let go of that place you're in. When you are ready to do that, it will get better. Make no mistake, his life and death changed you forever; I'm sure for the better. I don't know if I've helped or hurt you. My only wish is to help. And to let you know you're not alone.


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## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

I don't know if we, who have loved so deeply, can ever be convinced that we have peace with our loss. I find that still I question did I do the right thing, the whys of losing one of my babies at a young age (Pete was also 9 1/2) and some days are better than others. I think you are still in the process of grieving and each person does this in a different way and has a different time frame. Time is what is takes and the support of understanding people who NEVER get tired of listening to you speak from deep within your heart.


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## Doug (Jul 17, 2010)

9 is too young 

I don't know if I have moved on I just carry my girl with me in a different way. Our physical relationship has changed but our soul connection remains as strong as ever. Sometimes I relive the pain of what she went through but I cannot let myself dwell on it because it is not healthy for me or her soul. As they say worrying does not change things and they are right.

Noone really knows the real answers about why terrible things happen but we need to have faith that God has a bigger plan otherwise we can be eaten up by sorrow.

When we are sad it often because we can only see a small section of the problem. You need to take a *step back and look at the bigger picture through angel eyes.* Don't you think that God sent Buddy to you to teach you certain things and called him back knowing that he could achieve more from heaven? 

I like to think of it as a graduation. Our loved ones endure tests and an intense learning period before graduating to a better life where there are rewards for our previous efforts.

Or even better like a butterfly. Caterpillars are restricted to small areas and must endure many challenges. When they graduate into a butterfly they are free and supremely beautiful. 

My father died when I was 19. I knew that God had a bigger and better plan for him. Earth is our testing ground where life is hard and filled with disappointments and heartache. Somehow I know that my father was restored to health and given access to a greater understanding of the way the world works. This is the only way I can make peace with it. as they say he is in a better place. I could argue that the best place for him to be is with me but then I realise that he has more power and access to greater rewards as my guardian angel.

Sometimes we have to trust, let go and have faith that things are exactly the way they are meant to be.
Above all remember that Buddy would want you to be happy but you need to give yourself permission to do so.

"The older I get the more I realise that I am not running the show." Remember that you did all that you could to keep him safe. If Buddy was in your shoes he would have done the same thing. It was beyond your control.
"The soul always know how to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind."

Sending you ultra healing vibes to light your way.


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## PrincessDi (Jun 8, 2009)

Penny's Mom said:


> I go thru the same thing. I don't want to let go of my grief because it will be like letting go of Penny. I don't want to let go of her. The more I remember her, actually dwell on her, the closer she still is.


I agree with Penny's Mom, but also believe that everyone's grief has to run it's course. Grieving takes as long as it takes. I'm so sorry that you're going thru this. I feel your pain.


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## goldensmum (Oct 23, 2007)

Sorry that I have no words that will help you, yes we move on in so far as we carry on with our lives, but I'm not sure that we move on in the sense that we ever stop grieving, maybe not as deeply.

When it is us that has to make that so painful final decision it is devastating. I know I felt that I was letting them down by not trying to fight for just one more day, even when I knew deep down that there was nothing more that could be done.

You will never let Buddy go because he is tucked away in the safest place of all - your heart, but I am sure that he is at peace - why do I think that? - because you loved him so much you let him go.

Sending you hugs from over the pond


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## goldensrbest (Dec 20, 2007)

I feel that we fight within ourself, to except what has happened, our mind knows it, but our heart does not except, the loss of our loved ones, I know this to be true, I have excepted mike has died, I don't like it ,but I have excepted it, in my mind ,and heart, but I have never been able to except in my heart,the loss of our son shane. With the death of our dogs, it took a while for me to except the passing of spencer, but I have had so much loss, that it puts the loss of him,at a different level, when you lose a child, it is a very different loss.


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## FAL guy (Jun 11, 2012)

I should probably preface my comments by telling a bit about myself. I was a funeral director/embalmer for 28 years. During my career, I observed many, many different faces of grief. To become a funeral director, I studied grief and grieving indepth, and continued to learn as I grew in age and experience. That doesn't make me an expert, only experienced.

Two of the most important lessons I learned are:

1. It helps if we are able to come to a conclusion, through religion or spiritualism, that our loved ones passing has taken them from a place of pain, suffering and diminished capacity, to a place of peace and perfection. A place where it is not possible to know pain and suffering, but only peace. A place where there is nothing left to want, where they only know total fullfillment.
2. Understanding and believing number 1, then we must eventually come to the conclusion we grieve not for our loved ones that have passed, but for ourselves. We actually don't grieve their loss of life, but our loss of them in our life. When we are able to understand this, we can then began to try to fix our pain. 

When we helped Red over the Bridge, we did so knowing he was in pain, and of great diminished capacity, and we were removing the pain and restoring him to his youth. We also believed we were sending him to be reunited with those that proceded him, and that is exciting indeed. I still think of him almost every idle minute. If I concentrate, I can still feel his soft mane beneath my fingers, his cold nose pressed against my leg as I read my morning paper, and most importantly I feel his love in my heart.


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## CAROLINA MOM (May 12, 2009)

You aren't ready yet, there's nothing wrong with that, I don't think you should feel quilty or question the reason why, the time will come when you are.



*Circle Of Life*​ 
© Carly Nasch 
Life is a carousel. Always going forward, never going back.
Existence is a hard thing to keep when you stop trying. 
To live a life, you must want to live. 
To want to live you must find a way. 
When all hope is lost you must stand tall. 
When all others retreat you must prevail.
You are the conscious inside your head. 
You create your own destiny. 
Life is a very hard thing to keep 
when your life does not always go the way you plan. 
Fight for your life and the right to keep dreaming. 
If you feel you were gifted, share your gift. 
If you feel you were cursed, fix it. 
As you get older, your life becomes a challenge. 
Who are you? 
What do you want in life? 
What will you be? 
What is your purpose in life? 
If you worry, these things will turn into burdens. 
But if you hold on to them in the back of your mind, 
all of the answers will come in time. 
Life is a carousel, always going forward never going back. 
Look to the future not to the past.​


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## cgriffin (Nov 30, 2011)

I am so sorry for your pain and I don't really have any comforting words, since I am going through the same thing. I feel like Toby left too young as well and all his arthritis issues along the way were so unfair. I wish I could have taken the pain for him to give him a better and maybe longer life. To have to let him go was the hardest decision to make and I have not made peace with it either. 

Hugs to you, you are not alone.


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## hotel4dogs (Sep 29, 2008)

I'm so sorry, I don't have an answer for you. But if it's any help, I feel the same way about my Toby. There are times I almost resent Tiny for still being alive at 16-1/2, while my dear sweet Toby is gone almost 2 years already.
It hurts. It always hurts. I still cry when I think of him.


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## BajaOklahoma (Sep 27, 2009)

Bennett passed in August, 2009. I still miss him every day. 
But I am comforted by the fact that I made the decision to let him go because it was the right thing to do for him, not a selfish decision keep him around (and in pain) because I would miss him.
Try to focus on the good times you were able to have with Buddy, rather than what you are missing. Many people aren't lucky enough to have a relationship like you had with Buddy.


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## Dallas Gold (Dec 22, 2007)

I am so sorry V. I hope that some day you can find that peace and comfort knowing he is there with you always, just not physically. It takes time and it is different for all of us. I will never understand why these innocents are taken from us too quickly.

It took me a very long time to make peace with our Beau's passing, less time with Barkley, probably because we knew he was terminal but God blessed us with extra months to prepare and steel ourselves for what was to follow. We were able to soak him in during that borrowed time. We did not get that time with Beau, and in my experience, it was much harder to process and experience. Now I see a glimpse of both of my Bridge boys in Yogi at times...bittersweet, but it reminds me of the circle of life and they are always with me, just on another plane. I imagine them both in Heaven, watching and looking out for us, sending me a long buried memory to remember them and enjoy it with a new perspective in Yogi, and it makes me happy and reflective at the same time.

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## doggiedad (Aug 27, 2011)

it doesn't matter what you think or feel. Buddy's soul rest with peace.



Buddy's mom forever said:


> My dear friends, don't want to refer to you like my forum friends, as I am sure in real life with some of you we would be great friends too, I need your help again. I know many of you understand but many had too much of it from me and I so understand them too. I was reading bridge threads some days those are the only ones I read and this question pop up in my mind. I've seen so many move on shortly after loss, getting another dog within days and I am truly happy for them.
> 
> >>>>> My question is Why can't I make peace with my Buddy's passing? The thought that because of it his soul cannot rest really upsets me.<<<<<
> 
> ...


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## HolDaisy (Jan 10, 2012)

Sorry to hear that you are having a tough time recently  I think some people feel it's right for them to get another dog quickly as that is what helps them to heal their hearts, others it takes longer. Some people I know have never been able to get another dog ever again after losing one. 
I don't think we ever truly 'get over' it, we just have to learn to accept it. Like you, even after having another golden (who has made us so happy again) the loss of Daisy is still very fresh. Buddy was your world and he is at peace now, free from pain and living his life at the brige. It was Buddy who sent you Charlie, and I bet that you can see elements of Buddy's spirit in him. We will never truly get over losing Daisy so young and suddenly, but we know that we had to help her on her way, as you did with your beautiful boy. Take care, we understand. 
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## Buddy's mom forever (Jun 23, 2011)

Thank you all so much for your postings, sharing your experience and giving me your insight and answers to my question, I really appreciate them greatly. I was reading them over and over again last two days. It is helping me a lot to put some peaces of a puzzle together. And thank you to those who sent me PMs, thanks for you caring and support, will replay to you as soon as I have more time. 

I wish I could respond to every comment of yours as every single one made an impact on me. 




Doug said:


> ..."The soul always know how to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind."..


On days I am able to silence my mind I am at peace, still missing him a lot but I am at peace.




FAL guy said:


> I should probably preface my comments by telling a bit about myself. I was a funeral director/embalmer for 28 years. During my career, I observed many, many different faces of grief. To become a funeral director, I studied grief and grieving indepth, and continued to learn as I grew in age and experience. That doesn't make me an expert, only experienced.





FAL guy said:


> Two of the most important lessons I learned are:
> 
> 1. It helps if we are able to come to a conclusion, through religion or spiritualism, that our loved ones passing has taken them from a place of pain, suffering and diminished capacity, to a place of peace and perfection. A place where it is not possible to know pain and suffering, but only peace. A place where there is nothing left to want, where they only know total fullfillment.
> 2. Understanding and believing number 1, *then we must eventually come to the conclusion we grieve not for our loved ones that have passed, but for ourselves. We actually don't grieve their loss of life, but our loss of them in our life.* When we are able to understand this, we can then began to try to fix our pain.


Thank you so much for sharing your expertise and great experience. Your number 2 really made me thinking of it. I do not want to be that selfish person who puts self in the first place.




golden mum said:


> You will never let Buddy go because he is tucked away in the safest place of all - your heart, but I am sure that he is at peace - why do I think that? - because you loved him so much you let him go.


Yes my Buddy will always stay in my heart to its last beat.




Baja Oklahoma said:


> Many people aren't lucky enough to have a relationship like you had with Buddy.


I am so blessed and thankful I have that unbreakable bond with my Buddy that even his passing couldn't take away from me. 

*Just to add you are a bunch of great therapists.*


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## valibin (Jun 28, 2013)

I am so sorry that you have not made peace, but I understand because I feel the same way. What you did in making the decision to let Buddy go was out of love, pure unselfish love.


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## oakleysmommy (Feb 20, 2011)

I am thinking of you. Not on here much but remember reading your threads so I followed the last few months. 
I pray you find peace I can't imagine what you are going through. Keep reading this thread as you said it helps you. You will find peace it will take time and there's nothing wrong with that.


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## flykelley (Oct 15, 2011)

Hi V
There is no right answer, I have seen coworkers lose their mom or dad and be back to work in a day. I know people that lost mom or dad years ago and they still have struggles with that loss. Our Goldens are part of the family and it hurts every very bit as much as losing a human IMOP. I bought Katie home about seven weeks after I lost Carmel, it was just a fluke with the breeder, she was sold but the buyers new home wasn't done yet so they asked if someone else was looking for a puppy and they would get one in the next litter. I was that someone. As you know Abby was almost a year before I got her. They are both hard and we all have to take how ever long we need to grieve. Just know that we are all praying for you and we are all here for you, if nothing else just a shoulder to lean on. I was going threw and rereading my thread about Katie and Abby and cried like a baby this morning. There were happy tears and sad tears. All we can do is take it one day at a time.

Mike, Abby and Ms Lilly


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## MercyMom (Dec 19, 2011)

I'm so sorry about your grief over Buddy. I know this is so heartbreaking. He was so special to you and his death was tragic to say the least. I pray you find comfort in all of this.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*V*



FAL guy said:


> I should probably preface my comments by telling a bit about myself. I was a funeral director/embalmer for 28 years. During my career, I observed many, many different faces of grief. To become a funeral director, I studied grief and grieving indepth, and continued to learn as I grew in age and experience. That doesn't make me an expert, only experienced.
> 
> Two of the most important lessons I learned are:
> 
> ...


Viv: I am so sorry for all the pain you are in. I completely agree with what FalGuy said about sending them to the Bridge, in the last paragraph above.


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## maggie1951 (Apr 20, 2007)

I am so sorry how you feel about Buddy and I truly understand how you feel.
My dear old Sadie who went to the bridge very suddenly in 2007 I still grieve for her although I have had other dogs I still think of her she was only about 9 or 10 years old.

I miss my Naughty girl very badly but in a different way.

I don't always chose to have another dog so soon but I as I take rescue I have to open my heart to them.
You will know when the time is right and buddy will be happy for you to fill your life with another golden (hugs)


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## ZZBlueComet (Dec 3, 2012)

*Buddy didn't have to endure the hard times.*

I know it's hard to offer anything that feels good now. We lost our 16-year old Jake 2 days ago, we did everything we could but it was very hard on Jake and us (though well worth it and I'd do it over again.) 9 is way too early, I agree, but there are the down sides of these babies lives when they become old and they become crippled or lose their sight and other ailments that seem to never end. Buddy obviously had a wonderful life and he didn't have to suffer - you did the right thing, because it's the last chance we have to show them true love. The last 2-3 years for Jake was a slow regression and couldn't have been fun - but like a true Retriever, he has that zest for life. That slow regression can be a slow torture for everyone - I wish you the best and can only tell you to relive the good times, it helps.


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