# Toby and his arthritis issues/Hemangiosarcoma



## cgriffin

Well, Toby's arthritis is acting up again as well as soreness in his FHO hip.
He was doing so great for the past several months, since diagnosed with arthritis in every limb. He did not need much in pain meds and he built back his muscle mass greatly with the help of a magnetic collar. I know it is controversial, but it helped him greatly.
Almost three weeks ago, Toby started limping in both hind legs, more so in his FHO hip. A couple of vet visits and x-rays later, I was given three options:

Laser therapy

Platelet Rich Plasma Injection Therapy

Stem cell therapy

The vet I am consulting at this time, suggested starting with laser therapy first, and that we would be able to tell after about the fourth session if he is responding well to it. Next step would be the platelet rich plasma injections or stem cell therapy. They have had a lot of good outcomes with any of the procedures above.

Today was Toby's first laser therapy treatment. He will have three more sessions next week, starting on Monday. I was not able to get the three sessions in this week.

Anyway, so it continues. I will report on any progress he makes.
I just figured it would be interesting for anybody out there with dogs especially seniors with arthritis issues to see what is available out there and what can be done to keep our seniors going and pain free.

Please wish Toby good luck, I had so hoped after his surgeries (TPLO in right knee, FHO in left hip),that he would lead a pain free rest of his life. Thank you for reading


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## GoldenCamper

Wishing your Toby the best. Glad he built his muscle mass back up and hope the treatments work. Sure does hurt to see them in pain.


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## smithfamily

Thank you for sharing this, it's nice to know about these options and I'll be watching for updates. Remmie will be 11 in a couple of months and he has started having issues with arthritis. Right now he is responding really well to supplements, but I suspect they won't help long term. Definitely don't want to see him in pain! I was just reading about the stem cell therapy for human joints just a few weeks ago, interesting stuff!


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## swishywagga

Good luck Toby, I hope you start to feel better and the treatments work for you soon.


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## Dallas Gold

I'm sorry you are dealing with this again with Toby. I'll be interested in how effective the treatments you use for him are. Our vet does stem cell transplants and has reported several successful cases.


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## Alaska7133

I'm having super good results with acupuncture. I wouldn't use it to replace anything that you are already using, but maybe adding acupuncture as a way to handle the pain and give more mobility. I think a combined approach works best.


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## cgriffin

Yesterday was a rough day for Toby. Per instructions by the vet, I am suppose to increase his dose of Tramadol (50mg tablets) from 1-2 tablets twice a day to 3 tablets 2-3 times a day. Yeah, this did not go so well. Toby was worse yesterday, he was a barely walking, whiney mess. It was just killing me to see him like that. I was trying to get a hold of the vet and left a message but did not get a call back yet. 
Last night, I decided to just give him his usual Rimadyl and just one Tramadol tablet before going to bed. This morning, he is walking better and feeling better. I think the Tramadol dose was just way too high for him. Some dogs are just more sensitive to a drug than others. 
Anyway, I will see how it goes today with cutting back on the Tramadol.


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## cgriffin

Just came from Toby's second laser treatment. The vet said that he was agitated today and did not want to hold still. I requested to be in the room with him next time to see if he will lay still.
I had a long talk with the vet again about possibilities of treatment. We are also doing some new x-rays of his hips next time, since his FHO hip is bothering him so much. He still has a lot of arthritis on what is left of his hip joint and still some remodeling going on. I had asked the vet, why his FHO hip would bother him so much and she said, because of the arthritis in the joint, even if the femoral head is not there.
I am so frustrated. I had really thought that Toby would not have anymore problems with that hip after surgery. 
I found out that the Platelet Rich Plasma injections are suppose to last 90 days, stem cell therapy is suppose to last about one year according to the latest ortho specialists. 
Stem cell therapy is a bit more invasive with anesthesia, cutting out a piece of fat from the abdomen and sending that in to extract the stem cells. Then the stem cells are being re-injected into the joints again under sedation.
Platelet rich plasma injections are drawing blood and extracting plasma and platelets to re-inject into the joints under sedation. 
All I know right now, Toby is in pain and it breaks my heart


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## swishywagga

So sorry to hear Toby is in pain. Sending an enormous hug across to him. Really hope he starts to feel better soon.


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Yesterday was a rough day for Toby. Per instructions by the vet, I am suppose to increase his dose of Tramadol (50mg tablets) from 1-2 tablets twice a day to 3 tablets 2-3 times a day. Yeah, this did not go so well. Toby was worse yesterday, he was a barely walking, whiney mess. It was just killing me to see him like that. I was trying to get a hold of the vet and left a message but did not get a call back yet.
> Last night, I decided to just give him his usual Rimadyl and just one Tramadol tablet before going to bed. This morning, he is walking better and feeling better. I think the Tramadol dose was just way too high for him. Some dogs are just more sensitive to a drug than others.
> Anyway, I will see how it goes today with cutting back on the Tramadol.


I'm sorry he's having such a bad time. Tesia had struggles with Tramadol, too. It made her a little hazy and she didn't eat well while on it. 

Is an NSAID an option for Toby? There are many different ones, and as long as you do an NSAID blood panel every six months, you can make sure it is not affecting organ function. Tesia had really good luck with Deramaxx, but her arthritis was in her ankles. Does Toby get a supplement for his joints and stiffness? 

I hope he's doing better today.


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## goldensrbest

I find this interesting, because of my kooper, he is 10 ,and been also having problems.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all 

Yes, Toby is also on Rimadyl, before that he was on Meloxicam. He has been on NSAIDS, Cosequin DS plus MSM, Fish oil and Adequan injections for several years. He was diagnosed with HD at almost 6 years of age, he is 10 now. He also has ED in his elbows, diagnosed last September. 

Thanks for your support, that means a lot.


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## *Laura*

Christa - I'm just seeing your thread now. I'm so sorry Toby is having these problems and is so uncomfortable. It must break your heart. I'm thinking about you and Toby and hoping for an improvement


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## cgriffin

Yesterday, Toby had some more x-rays done under sedation. All looks the same, except his FHO hip shows a lot of arthritis on the leftover joint and there are some calcification issues between the joint and the leftover femur where the fake joint developed. The vets are not sure if that is was is causing his lameness. One option would be to go in and clean out the calcification deposits, but there is no guarantee that this is what is causing all this and that it would actually make a big difference. I am not jumping into surgery. The treating vet agreed with me. 
Toby also had his third laser treatment while sedated. I was told he does not want to lay on his side during treatments and keeps wanting to get up. I requested being present for the next treatments to keep him calm and laying down. I hope it works. 
No change in him so far. 
I also mentioned to the this vet about Toby having tested positive for Ehrlichia last year and if that could be an issue. She said, could be and we are putting him back on some Doxycycline just in case and see if it makes a difference. I will also switch him back to Metacam after weaning him off Rimadyl to see if that works better along with the Tramadol. 
I am currently going to an affiliated clinic for all this, since my regular vet does not have a laser.


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## GoldenCamper

More good thoughts for your boy. Treating with Doxy a good idea. 

Sorry you're going through this.


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## *Laura*

Poor Toby. I hope the meds and laser treatments will help improve things soon. Will continue to think of your boy.


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## cgriffin

Toby was not doing well over the weekend at all. He was barely putting weight on his right hind leg, not the FHO leg. 
Today, he had his fourth laser treatment. I was present and he was a lot calmer and was holding still. 
I talked to the vet for a few minutes and she is seriously trying to push me into the stem cell therapy. I pretty much told her that I want to wait out the laser sessions and if there could be other reasons for his sudden lameness that is getting worse. She seems to think not. I have to admit, I have only seen that particular vet for the past 2 weeks and I don't know what to make of her yet. Trust is not something I give easily, especially since I have worked in vet clinics. 
I am in contact with the surgeon that did Toby's surgeries. He is out of town but will be back next week. He said he would be glad to take a look at Toby's x-rays and take a look at Toby himself.


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## *Laura*

I'm sorry to read that Toby is not doing well. Poor boy. I hope things improve soon. Give him a gentle belly scratch from me


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## cgriffin

Thanks, Laura, I will. 
I just got off the phone with a vet that does acupuncture. He will see him on Thursday for evaluation and possible treatment.
I really am so frustrated and unhappy with the way things are going right now. There is nothing worse than seeing my fur baby in pain and there is nothing I can do.


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## inge

I am sorry he isn't reacting to the treatment as you hoped...


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## CAROLINA MOM

I'm so sorry Toby is in so much pain and is having troubles. 

I hope he will be doing better very soon.


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## Dallas Gold

*Re: Toby and his arthritis issues*

I sure hope the other vets can give you a better idea of treatment options. I am so sorry.

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## GoldenCamper

Healing thoughts for Toby. Wish I could make it all better. No fun I know.


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## GoldensGirl

I'm so sorry that Toby is enduring all of this and glad that you are fighting for him.

Would hydrotherapy be an option for him? I'm thinking of underwater treadmills, as well as canine swimming facilities that put floatation devices on dogs and play gentle water games to keep them swimming. The goal is to build muscle mass and help the joints to be more limber.

Does Adequan help with Toby? It has worked wonders for Joker. And Deramaxx (which is back on the market now) helped Charlie a lot with arthritis pain.

Hugs and prayers,
Lucy


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## cgriffin

Thank you all!
Toby is on Rimadyl, Tramadol, Doxycycline, Cosequin DS plus MSM, fish oil and Adequan injections. The Adequan injection was last done on Friday and did not do a thing.
Today, he is especially moaning and croaning, would not eat his dinner or treats. I am really worried. I will take him to my regular vet in the morning.
I also think all the meds are getting to him, making him feel worse. I won't give him the Doxy tonight.
Please keep my Toby in your thoughts, thank you!


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## Dallas Gold

I remember that worry, the one we all dread because we don't know what's wrong.... you both are in my prayers and thoughts.


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## Sweet Girl

Toby is definitely in my thoughts today. I hope you get some help from your vet today. Poor guy. It is so frustrating and heartbreaking not to be able to help them feel better. You are probably right that the meds are making him lose his appetite. Hopefully your vet can change them up a bit and maybe give him some anti-nausea meds and help him to eat again. Fingers crossed for you and Toby.


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## cgriffin

Toby is in an emergency/specialty clinic close to Nashville. He had a terrible night and I took him to my vet who did blood work, x-rays and ultrasound and concluded fluid around the heart and he is anemic, low protein, and immediately referred me to a specialist in Nashville. I just got back home.
Toby was pretty much in heart failure, was put on oxygen and they removed fluid around his heart, took more x-rays, ultrasound, blood work and tabbed the belly. Fluid from the abdomen was slightly blood tinged and the ultrasound showed a couple of nodules on the spleen. My boy most likely has hemangio. They will do more tests tomorrow. For now he is stable, his blood pressure is good, his oxygen saturation came back up. He is breathing easier and his heart is not working overtime.
I will know more tomorrow. I miss my blondie and I am really trying not to break down.

Thank you all.


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## GoldenCamper

I'm so sorry  Prayers sent for your Toby.


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## coppers-mom

I was hoping for good news.
I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Dallas Gold

Oh no, I'm so sorry. You and Toby are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## *Laura*

Christa I'm thinking of you and Toby. Such a very hard time for you and your sweet boy.


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## Doug

I am so very sorry that I missed your post.

Arthritis is a horrible, horrible disease. Knowing that your everyday friend is in pain and that nothing is working is sheer torture. Toby is so lucky to have such a loving mum who has moved heaven and earth to help him. 

God no, not hermangio :'( on top of all this you must be feeling so overwhelmed right now. I am so sorry.

Sending Toby and yourself mega does of healing vibes, well wishes and miracles.
I hope that they are wrong!


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## GoldenMum

I am so very sorry Toby is in such pain, it is difficult to see your best friend suffer. I hope it is not hemangio, and this can resolved. Sending you and Toby prayers, and strength.


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## swishywagga

Saying prayers and sending special wishes and hugs across to you.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all so much!

I talked to the doctor this morning. Toby had a good night, is alert and bright. His IV catheter blew over night, so it has been challenging to get a new catheter in and fluids going. 
An ultrasound of heart and abdomen will be repeated today and pending this will decide if Toby can come home today.
Please keep Toby in your prayers, thank you all.


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## Dallas Gold

Prayers continue for Toby. I hope he gets to come home today.

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## Penny & Maggie's Mom

Many prayers for Toby and you. So hoping he can come home today.


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## GoldenCamper

Glad your boy is alert and bright. Prayers he comes home with you soon.


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## Sweet Girl

Christa, I am definitely sending good thoughts to you and Toby. I am so relieved to hear he is brighter this morning. My heart truly goes out to you. I hope it is NOT hemangio. I will come back later to check for an update. Can you go visit him today? I have to say, when Tesia was in the hospital for days and days, it was so good just to go and sit with her (for me as much as her). I hope you can, too.


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## Doug

Most be so hard for you to be away from him.
Having the fluids drained can work wonders
Positive joyous vibes are coming your way.


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## *Laura*

Sounds like Toby is feeling abit better today. Looking forward to an update and thinking about you and your sweet boy


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## *Laura*

Candle lit for Toby. Hoping Toby can come home soon.


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## hotel4dogs

saying prayers and sending good thoughts for poor Toby. I hope he can come home soon!


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## cgriffin

Thank you all so much!

Toby is home. He is feeling better but his belly is still swollen, he still groans a lot and he does not have much of an appetite. He is more interested in drinking water. 
It was funny, I took him out of the car, he waddled into the yard and started barking as if he was saying: 'Hey everybody, I am home!' He is so cute.
My other two boys greeted him lavishly, Toby drank water, grunted and rolled around in his dog bed. He loves to do that, so he must be doing better.

I don't have a 100 percent diagnosis of hemanigo sarcoma yet, but it does look like it, given all symptoms of fluid around heart and belly, 2 nodules on the spleen, one nodule on the liver and the fluid removed from the belly was slightly blood tinged. - I don't even want to think about it and I cannot wrap my head around it yet - 

Toby is still on Doxy, the vet wants me to continue it at a smaller dose and finish it. She also prescribed Cephalexin but wants me to wait with that one. 
For his arthritis he is still getting Rimadyl and Tramadol.
I have a recheck appointment for next Wednesday afternoon. There are still a couple of tests and echocardiogram pending. We will take it from there. 
Same day I will also have a consult with an orthopedic specialist to see what we can do about Toby's arthritic problems. 

I think I will be sleeping on the couch again, listening to Toby's every breath and every sound he makes. Lately, he prefers sleeping in the living room on the carpet.

Thank you all again, you guys are great


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## Doug

cgriffin said:


> Thank you all so much!
> 
> 
> It was funny, I took him out of the car, he waddled into the yard and started barking as if he was saying: 'Hey everybody, I am home!' He is so cute.
> My other two boys greeted him lavishly, Toby drank water, grunted and rolled around in his dog bed. He loves to do that, so he must be doing better.
> 
> I don't have a 100 percent diagnosis of hemanigo sarcoma yet, I don't even want to think about it and I cannot wrap my head around it yet -
> 
> I think I will be sleeping on the couch again, listening to Toby's every breath and every sound he makes. Lately, he prefers sleeping in the living room on the carpet.


It is probably best that you don't allow yourself to wrap your head around it and live in the moment just like Toby seems to be doing. There is little to be gained from dwelling in the daunting unknown. It is great that his personality shines through. It is amazing how feisty they can be despite their challenges 

Beware sleeping on the couch will intensify your bond just when you think that you are at a point where you could not love them any more than you do, then it soars to an even higher level. It is a blessing in disguise.

Look into getting some Yunnan Baiyao which helps to control any kind of bleeding. 2 in the morning 2 at night.

Our hearts and thoughts are with you. 
Do not hesitate to indulge and be good to yourself.


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## Karen519

*Toby*

Very glad that Toby is home with you.


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## Dallas Gold

I'm glad he's home and getting back to his normal routine. 

I vividly remember this time when we went through it with our Barkley, just over 3 years ago. Be sure to take care of yourself too. HUGS and prayers for Toby's recovery.


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## hubbub

I'm just now seeing this and am glad Toby is home with his family. I'll be keeping you all at the forefront of my thoughts.


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## *Laura*

I'm so glad Toby is home and it sounds like he's pretty glad to be home too. I worried about him all day.


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## Sweet Girl

I'm so glad Toby is home with you. I hope it's a good night. Still sending positive thoughts.


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## cgriffin

Thank you!
I just took Toby out for a pee, he was doing pretty good, but in the house it is back to moaning and groaning and heavy breathing. He was doing that in the room also when he was discharged. He is more alert and bright but I am so worried.

I don't know how he can change from running and being happy a little over a month ago to this. He has steadily become worse over that time, especially since he was sedated and had x-rays last week. He also gained 6 pounds since last week, which is not normal. The vet at the specialty clinic wants to recheck his thyroid next Wednesday. She said for the amount I feed him, he should not be gaining weight.

Well, I am getting ready to make a bed on the couch and hope that Toby has a good night. (Hubby is not alone in bed, my dachshund is keeping him company  )

Thanks for thinking of my boy.


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## SandyK

I am so sorry, I didn't realize Toby was having problems. I am glad he is home with you now. I will keep Toby in my thoughts and prayers.


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## HolDaisy

Have only just seen this thread. Sorry to hear that poor Toby is going through this and sending prayers your way. I'm glad he's back home where he belongs and hope that you have a peaceful night with him.


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## *Laura*

Christa please give Toby a big hug from me. I'm hoping he has a quiet night and you have good news in the morning


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## dborgers

Christa,

I apologize for not knowing about Toby before now, but I was out of town for several days for an unexpected trip to see a dying family member, and when I got back there was much to do and little time for internet, as well as Andy's medical stuff.

I hope you get good news today and that Toby had a restful night. We had a dog with thyroid troubles whose symptoms sound a lot like Toby's. Daily pills for 14 years after diagnosis kept it in check. I lit a candle and said some prayers for you both


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## Dallas Gold

cgriffin said:


> Thank you!
> I just took Toby out for a pee, he was doing pretty good, but in the house it is back to moaning and groaning and heavy breathing. He was doing that in the room also when he was discharged. He is more alert and bright but I am so worried.
> 
> I don't know how he can change from running and being happy a little over a month ago to this. He has steadily become worse over that time, especially since he was sedated and had x-rays last week. He also gained 6 pounds since last week, which is not normal. The vet at the specialty clinic wants to recheck his thyroid next Wednesday. She said for the amount I feed him, he should not be gaining weight.
> 
> Well, I am getting ready to make a bed on the couch and hope that Toby has a good night. (Hubby is not alone in bed, my dachshund is keeping him company  )
> 
> Thanks for thinking of my boy.


Christa, I understand how worried these developments make you...and they worry me too. I hope you were able to get some sleep last night so you can be there for Toby. Sending you both lots of love, prayers and good thoughts for Toby's recovery. 

BTW-are you going to the same hospital Andy is recuperating at?


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## hotel4dogs

Sending thoughts and prayers for Toby. I hope he is better this morning, and that you are able to get some answers.


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## Brinkleythegolden

Sending healing thoughts Toby's way. I hope he has a better day today.


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## hubbub

I thought of Toby (and Andy) first thing this morning. I hope you were both able to get a restful night's sleep to help Toby on the road to feeling better.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all so much!

To Anne: no Toby was in a different hospital than Andy

Toby had an uneventful night, thank God! He moved around quite a bit but always fell soundly back asleep. I took him out at about 2 AM and at 7 AM again. At 7, I took my other two boys for a walk and Toby walked for a few steps to get his business done and I took him back into the house. He was feeling better this morning, rolling around in his bed, wagging and thumping his tail. He does still moan, but at least his breathing does not seem to be compromised and his gums are nice and pink.
I could only get canned food into him again, but at least I was able to add his meds to it and he did not find it to spit it out. 

I have to say, I am a little ticked off that there is no emergency clinic in our town. It is the fifth largest town in Tennessee and they cannot find somebody knowledgeable and willing to open an ER? I like my vet, but when I bring Toby there in distress and he diagnoses with pericardial effusion but he cannot do anything about it because he does not have the know how? How frustrating is that? But that is what the vets up here are like. So, after sitting at the vet's without any relief, I had to take the long drive to Nashville to have them save his life. I am so glad he did not die in the back of my car.
Anyway, sorry for the small rant. It has been a horrible last few days.

Thank you all again, I will keep you posted and thanks for the good thoughts and prayers


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Thank you all so much!
> 
> To Anne: no Toby was in a different hospital than Andy
> 
> Toby had an uneventful night, thank God! He moved around quite a bit but always fell soundly back asleep. I took him out at about 2 AM and at 7 AM again. At 7, I took my other two boys for a walk and Toby walked for a few steps to get his business done and I took him back into the house. He was feeling better this morning, rolling around in his bed, wagging and thumping his tail. He does still moan, but at least his breathing does not seem to be compromised and his gums are nice and pink.
> I could only get canned food into him again, but at least I was able to add his meds to it and he did not find it to spit it out.
> 
> I have to say, I am a little ticked off that there is no emergency clinic in our town. It is the fifth largest town in Tennessee and they cannot find somebody knowledgeable and willing to open an ER? I like my vet, but when I bring Toby there in distress and he diagnoses with pericardial effusion but he cannot do anything about it because he does not have the know how? How frustrating is that? But that is what the vets up here are like. So, after sitting at the vet's without any relief, I had to take the long drive to Nashville to have them save his life. I am so glad he did not die in the back of my car.
> Anyway, sorry for the small rant. It has been a horrible last few days.
> 
> Thank you all again, I will keep you posted and thanks for the good thoughts and prayers


That must be so hard. I'm sorry you have that extra stress and anxiety on top of everything else. 

It is so hard to see such a big change in our dog, isn't it? My heart goes out to you. I kept on saying the same thing about Tesia. How could this little fireball of energy who was playing ball in the days right before her first surgery suddenly be so sick? It was entirely traumatic. I'm glad last night was better. We also switched to canned food when Tee got sick - she stopped wanting kibble. I even warmed the canned food up a bit and mushed it up so that she could really just lick it off the plate. She would eat one, then go off it. I had to keep switching them up. Just to say, if you find he is going off a food, don't panic right away. He may have tasted the med within a dish, and has decided he's not going to fall for that again. Pill Pockets are also good if he has lots of meds, and that way you can keep them separate from his food. 

I really hope Toby has a good day. I'll be thinking of him lots.


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## *Laura*

I'm glad that Toby had a quiet night. Hope for continued improvements for your boy


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## Doug

That is great news. Constant monitoring can drain you quickly so I'm glad that you had a good night. I had a restless night after a late night vet visit and kept thinking about what you were going through, so I am super glad that your news was positive. Fortunately for us the vet is only 5 mins up the road so your situation makes me appreciate them even more.


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## swishywagga

Sending special wishes to you and Toby tonight. Hoping he continues to improve.


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## Sweet Girl

I just came to check in on Toby. I was thinking so much about him and about Andy today. I hope Toby is doing better.


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## dborgers

Christa,

Sounds like Toby is showing some improvement, which I'm very glad to read about  Sorry you have to make the long drive to Nashville. We'll absolutely keep you and Toby in our thoughts and prayers. I'm sending all the positive energy I can to the Northeast.


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## cgriffin

Thank you!

Bad news, we just got back from taking Toby back to the emergency clinic. He has pericardial effusion again, plus the fluid in his abdomen, breathing compromised. 
The ER vet said, she is 95 percent sure it is hemangio, a very aggressive form of hemangio. She suggested draining the fluids of heart and abdomen to make him more comfortable, take some x-rays to see if he has cancer in his lungs, abdomen. He will be on oxygen all night. The vet said, we are pretty much just buying time, maybe hours, a day, a month if we are lucky. 
All this at 12:30 in the morning and I am suppose to make a life or death decision with Toby laying at my feet wagging. I decided to give it a shot and have them do what they need to do and see what tomorrow brings. I feel like I have to at least try. Am I being selfish? I don't know....................


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## hubbub

I'm so, so sorry. It's been a long week and trying to give you both some time will help make things more clear. Although I know you probably won't, I hope you are able to get some rest tonight. 

I believe I would do the same thing based on what you described. <<<Hugs>>>


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## Doug

I am so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you. :')

For many nights and days I agonised over the "right time". I was told that the answer would come but it did not (or at least this is what I thought at the time) I found this incredibly painful and agonising.
It is only when it was _truly the right time _that it all became crystal clear and I could not let her go on for another hour let alone day that we made the decision. 
We were one of the lucky ones Tia's passing was peaceful. There are no guarantees in life but I think that you did the right thing to give it another try. Living with regrets is a horrible state to be in. Remember only God chooses when he will be called back and He will lead you at times like these.

It must be awful to be away from Toby. I wish they could install a video cam for you However use this time to meditate and restore yourself. This is a mental test as well as a physical one. Turn your face to the sun and let the shadows fall behind. Tobs would want you to be positive.

May you both feel the love and strength sent to you both during this rough time!


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## Dallas Gold

Oh no, I"m so sorry Christa. Bad news indeed.  I don't think you made a bad decision- try (if it's possible) to sleep on it and you'll be able to think more clearly after about the next steps for Toby. I'm so sorry and am sending you many prayers for peace and clarity in the coming days.


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## *Laura*

Oh Christa. I'm so sorry Toby is so sick. Whatever decisions you make they are the right ones. You're a good 'Mama bear' As Anne said I too am sending you prayers for peace and clarity in the coming days. Such a difficult time for you. I will be thinking of you and your boy.


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## cgriffin

The ER vet just called. They removed about one Liter of blood of off his chest that had drained into the lungs. It made his breathing easier but his blood pressure spiked to 200 and he has been given meds to get his blood pressure down. They did not bother with his belly, since they found so much blood in his chest and lungs. 
She said, so much blood is not due to nicking anything during the past fluid removal earlier this week. She believes there is an actively bleeding tumor, we just have not found it. His prognosis is very slim and his breathing is getting heavier again.
We will have a decision to make. My brain says, to let him go, my heart says: Not my baby!
I hate this.............


----------



## hubbub

I cannot imagine how difficult this is. I want to echo the others in saying that you will make the best decisions for Toby. They are the right ones because you are making them with his best interests at heart and out of love for him.


----------



## GoldenMum

I am so sorry to hear that Toby isn't doing any better. Your decision is a very personal one that only you can make. That doesn't make it any easier, but please know we are all here to support whatever decision you make for sweet Toby. Sending you both prayers, thoughts, and strength.


----------



## GoldenCamper

So sorry things took a turn for the worst  prayers to you.


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## cgriffin

We decided to let our sweet boy go.... one of the hardest decisions I have ever made....
I don't want him to suffer, I love him too much.
We will go and say our goodbyes and ............


----------



## Buddy's mom forever

So sorry I missed your posts, sending healing vibes and prayers for a miracle. Hugs to you and Toby.

Just read your last posts, very sorry, don't know what to say.


----------



## Dallas Gold

Oh no......tears flowing for you and your family for Toby. I am so sorry his fight is coming to an end. Sending you many prayers for comfort as you begin the hard part of this journey in grieving for your precious Toby. Godspeed dear boy...


----------



## Sweet Girl

Oh, no, Christa. I am so sorry. I was reading your updates, and was going to say, absolutely try - try anything. I'm so sorry it wasn't better news. It is truly the hardest decision to make. I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. My heart goes out to you. My thoughts are with you and your sweet Toby.


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## CAROLINA MOM

I am so very sorry, this is so very sad. My heart hurts for you.

Sending you my thougths and prayers.


----------



## *Laura*

Christa I am so sorry you're having to say good bye to Toby. I know the special bond you share with your boy and know how difficult this is for you. My tears are flowing for you and sweet Toby. (I have to leave for a family function today so won't be back until tomorrow but please know that I'm thinking of you all day). Run free dear boy. Our babies are waiting to greet you


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## GoldensGirl

How my heart aches for you. I hope you will be able to find more support and solace here:

http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com/our-thoughts/159297-candles-toby-cgriffen.html.

Hugs and prayers,
Lucy


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## PrincessDi

Very sorry that you and Toby are going through this! Hemangio/Cancer has taken so many of our beloved goldens. We are all here for you as you go down this sad path. There has been so much tragic loss on the forum this week.


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## GoldenMum

I am so very, very sorry. You are giving Toby the ultimate selfless gift. More thoughts and prayers being sent from NC. Stay strong. Peace to you sweet Toby.


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## HolDaisy

I am so very sorry to hear that you have got to send sweet Toby to the bridge  It really is the worst decision ever to have to make, but as people said to us when we lost Daisy it is the final gift of love you can give by freeing them from their pain. Stay strong for Toby and you are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## swishywagga

So very sorry, our thoughts are with you at this time.


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## hotel4dogs

I am so, so sorry. Sending many prayers.


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## Michele4

So sorry for your loss.


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## Goldens R Great

I am so sorry about Toby. I'm thinking about you at this sad time and sending prayers your way.

We just never have them long enough.


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## Bob Dylan

I am so sorry, we never have enough time with our pets. Some day you will meet again. (HUGS)
Peace Be With You Toby!


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## Brinkleythegolden

I am so sorry about Toby. Hemangio is just so cruel and unfair! I know all of our golden babies will be there to greet him at the Bridge! Godspeed, sweet Toby!


Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## tikiandme

I'm so sorry about Toby. My Tiki had similar symptoms, and it turned out to be cardiac hemangio and I had to let her go (3 yrs ago). Prayers are being sent for you and your Toby.


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## Penny & Maggie's Mom

I'm so sorry to hear this. Much love and prayers flowing your way. Godspeed sweet boy.


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## dogloverforlife

I am very sorry to read this. Rip Toby.


Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## Doug

It must be incredibly hard as you cannot be together while Toby is at the vets This intensifies the heart break even more. Making the decision is the hardest thing ever but there comes a time when the release is a blessing. It sounds as though you have had your 'crystal clear' moment. You love your boy so much that you cannot let him endure this for any longer. It hurts so much because we love so deeply. 
Our hearts and thoughts are with you.


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## dborgers

Oh, Christa  Needless to say, I completely understand what you're going through. We're here for you.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all.

This was one of the hardest decisions I (we) ever had to make. My previous Goldies passed so fast due to Hemangio sarcoma, the decision was made for me.

Toby did have Hemangio sarcoma of the heart. The vets could not do anymore for him, he was losing blood too fast and was only suffering.
We went down to Brentwood, in tears. My husband has never seen a pet die. He was never present when previous pets passed. It was doubly hard on him. 
We went to a room and they brought Toby in. He was sooo happy to see us and was thumping and wagging that tail. We were sitting on the floor with him and were telling him how much we loved him and how sorry we are that we cannot do anything else for him. He fell asleep a couple of times. My husband got up once to get some tissues and Toby jumped up, looked expectantly at my husband and walked to the door. My husband totally broke down that moment, because he could not tell Toby that he will take him home now. 
All this was so heart wrenching. Toby looked like he always did, alert, bright, waggy, ready to go home. How are we suppose to send him to the bridge? He was full of life and love in his eyes and somehow disappointment when he saw he is not going home. 

The vet had talked to us first, asked if we had questions and was really understanding and nice. She said to take all the time we need. She said, we are doing the right thing, even though he is feeling good being with his parents, he is steadily declining and slowly bleeding to death. 

When we were ready, I don't think anybody is ever ready, we knocked on the door to let the vet know we are ready. We were hugging and kissing and talking to Toby while a sedative was given and then the other. Once he looked up and sniffed the air repeatedly, it was a bit disturbing and I told him that I am with him, that I love him and he is okay. My husband told him that he needs to go to sleep. He passed quietly then. 
We spent some more time with him, I was still talking to him, hugging and kissing him goodbye and I snipped some of his fur. I needed something of his. 
Toby will be cremated and the ashes returned to us. 

Toby was my everything, mutual love at first sight. I always called him my "life's blood". I cannot believe he is gone.........
I could just scream and never stop...........


----------



## dborgers

Oh, Christa. I am grieving with you.


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## CAROLINA MOM

Christa, I am so very sorry about Toby. I know what you're going through, I know your pain.

It has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, it never gets any easier, and you're never as prepared as you think you are. At least I wasn't. 

My heart goes out to you during this sad and difficult time. I wish there was something I could say or do to take away your pain and sadness. 

Toby will always be with you, he's enjoying life with so many of our bridge babies until you meet again.


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## Dallas Gold

Christa, I'm so sorry. Your description of your last moments with Toby are very similar to ours with Barkley. He seemed to rally at the vets and it threw my husband for a loop. The clinic owner came in and explained to him that in her years of being a vet she's seen so many dogs who do rally at the end, but it's usually followed by a deep crash and we were doing the best thing for him by letting him go. It still hurt like H*ll. I'm glad you clipped fur (we did the same thing) and I'm glad he will be coming back home to you. It is the hardest thing we do for our beloved dogs but it is the ultimate kindness when they are suffering so much. I am so sorry you are going through this, along with everyone else who lost a precious soul this week on the forum. Godspeed Toby, you will be missed by so many here.


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## Brinkleythegolden

You have earned the right to scream--cancer is an evil thing! It has taken so many of our furbabies. I am so sorry about Toby. I'm sure he and Andy are there together, meeting all of our other puppies that have passed. Godspeed, Toby!


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## jealous1

I am so very, very sorry for your loss of your Toby. May his memories give you some comfort.


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## xoerika620xo

I am so sorry about Toby. I wish there was something else for me to say, but i just can't find the words to say but that I am so sorry.


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## dborgers

Christa,

We are so deeply saddened by Toby's passing. You're been such a kind and encouraging soul to so many here. Please know that in your time of loss and deep sadness we're thinking of you right now and are here for you just as you've been there for so many. 

Danny and Jane


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## my4goldens

I am so very sorry for your loss. It's been nearly two years since I lost Tess, almost exactly the same way. I still grieve for and miss her every day. Prayers and hugs to you and your family. Run free, Toby.


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## HolDaisy

I am so sad to hear of Toby's passing. His final moments sound exactly like ours with Daisy, she was wagging her tail even as the vet came in. Goldens really are such fighters aren't they, so brave and loving. Toby is at peace now free from his pain, even though yours has only just started. He knew how much you loved him and will live forever in your heart.


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## Claire's Friend

Almost 3 years since I lost my JOY the exact same way. It's just the worst. You can't breathe or even think. It amazed me that the world could keep on going when such a valuable piece was missing. I am sitting her in tears for you, hurting right along with you. I am so, so sorry


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## Fella 77

This has been a tough week here on the GRF...I am so sorry to hear about Tobys passing. Everyone that has to make that terrible decision knows how hard it is..but the right things are always the hardest to do. RIP Toby...join all the other Golden's that left us too soon..


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## mudEpawz

im so very sorry to hear about Toby's passing. I cried while reading your posts... my thoughts are with you and your family at this time. run free sweet Toby.


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## Karen519

*Christa*

Christa: I am so very sorry-I had no idea.
I added Toby to the Rainbow Bridge List.

http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com...st/124789-grf-goldens-passed-2013-list-9.html


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## Thalie

I am so sorry you lost sweet Toby. Sending comfort and strength. 

Sleep easy, Toby; you are so missed.


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## Doug

I am so sorry Christa :'( I wish that I could take away your pain.

Have a safe flight to heaven special boy.
Your guardians love you so much you continue to make them feel so proud. :')


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## Finn's Fan

Christa, my heartfelt condolences on having to give your Toby the gift of release. It is beyond hard to let your beloved boy go be with the angels; he thanks you for it. Sleep well, Toby....your folks will miss you every single day.


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## Rainheart

Oh no, I am so sorry to be reading this... my heart breaks for you. Run free, Toby.


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## PrincessDi

Very sorry for your loss of Toby. Was in tears reading about him going to the bridge.


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## KiwiD

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your post about saying goodbye was so heart wrenching. Rest in peace Toby


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## sunset

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Vinnie's Mom

I'm so sorry for you loss. Run free sweet Toby.


Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## Vhuynh2

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is broken for you.


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## OutWest

I'm so, so sorry you lost your Toby. He had a wonderful life, and he knew you loved him I hope all the good memories will help you through the grief.


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## dborgers

Even the sky is crying in our area


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## love never dies

*RIP Toby*

_*I am so sorry for your loss. **RIP Toby - gone from sight but not from mind. 
*__*Life measures quality, not its length. Please take care.*_
_

_


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## hubbub

I am so sorry Toby is gone, but find comfort that you and your husband were able to be with him considering the clinic is so far away. I imagine it was a great comfort for Toby to have his family with him.


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## Maddie'sMom2011

I am so sorry for your loss. It is one of the hardest decisions we make, but it is a blessing in itself that we can. Run free sweet Toby.


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## Davidrob2

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Sweet Girl

Christa, I am crying with you. I'm so sorry. I know there is nothing that can take away the pain right now. Just know you and your husband are in my thoughts.


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## FeatherRiverSam

I'm so sorry you had to make this most difficult of decisions but you followed your heart and Toby's needs. RIP sweet Toby...you're amoung friends.

Pete & Woody


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## KathyL

I am so sorry you had to let Toby go. So often they seem to have a final rally which makes it harder for us to make the decision, yet our last memories will be seeing our goldens happy. We bear the pain so they do not have to -- I think it is the fair thing to do, so you did what was best for Toby. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.


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## dborgers

Christa,

We've had a candle lit for you in our house since the sad news. Please know we're with you in spirit.


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## Buddy's mom forever

cgriffin said:


> .........
> I could just scream and never stop...........


You got me right there. I am very, very sorry crying with you for our lost babies.


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## Maddie'sMom2011

Buddy's mom forever said:


> You got me right there. I am very, very sorry crying with you for our lost babies.


Me too. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in Maddie & Basil I forget about my bridge babies. Maggie, Jake, and Lillie. Sharing with others who get it really helps. This is an amazing forum with members who really care. I feel blessed that I found it.


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## SandyK

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you and your DH were able to be with Toby. He will live in your hearts forever!! RIP sweet Toby...you will be missed.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all so much. I am trying to thank everybody through my tears, please forgive if I did not attach a thanks to someone's post through my blurry eyes.

The ones of you, that have lost a precious fur baby or another loved one, know the gut wrenching pain and void it leaves behind. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and just left a huge gaping bleeding hole behind. I have gone through the same type of cancer with my two previous Goldens, but it sure does not make it any easier. 

I was so torn up yesterday, I was listening to sounds of Toby, of expecting him to come through the door, entering a room, giving me big sloppy Toby kisses - nothing -, all quiet. I told my husband about it and that after the passing of my other two goldens, I saw them everywhere, I heard them everywhere, I felt their presence so much. My husband said, that he thinks I don't have the same experience with Toby, because we still have two other dogs. When my other two fur babies passed, they were our only dogs at the time. Maybe that is true, I don't know but it is very disturbing and painful.

I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard Toby's "woof". After Toby's orthopedic surgeries, he had to build up his muscle mass in the hind legs and he could go down stairs but not up stairs. He would go out in the yard and lay down and enjoy just being outside. When he got better and stronger, I could go inside and leave him for a few minutes and he would let me know when he wanted to come in by standing at the bottom of the stairs and giving me this pathetic, somehow higher pitch single "woof". Toby had a very deep barking voice but that 'woof' was so cute and higher pitch but also always tore at my heart strings. 
Lately, he had given me the 'woof' again, when he wanted to come in. 

His 'woof' woke me up, it made me cry, it made me smile.....


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## MikaTallulah

RIP Toby- You no longer have any pain and you can run, jump, and climb the biggest mountains! 

Candles lite.


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## Dallas Gold

Many hugs Christa. These first days without our Golden babies are so emotionally gut wrenching. I wish I could write something to take the pain away, but it isn't possible. I hope you will post your memories of him here when you are ready.

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## swishywagga

Thinking of you all today, feeling the pain and heartbreak you are in, sending over to you huge comforting hugs.


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## Sweet Girl

Sending you big hugs. The first night after Tesia died, I woke up all through the night. I had gotten so used to waking every time she moved or just on my own, to make sure she was okay, and I think my body just woke up all night to do the same, even though she was gone. The adjustment is so hard to suddenly not having them with us. My thoughts continue to be with you.


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## *Laura*

Christa my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you today and know that horrible pain you are feeling like your heart has been torn out  it's just the worst. I used to hear Daisy's bark in the middle of the night aswell when she had gone. His spirit will never leave you, and even if you can't feel his presence right now you will do. Sometimes at times when I miss Daisy most that is when I can sense her around and it makes me feel better. It will be the same for you and Toby will always live on in your heart.


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## Doug

It is obvious to me for a very long time that you love Toby so much. You fought so hard for endless hours to make him comfortable and happy. You put his needs above yours. The grief is unavoidable as it comes hand in hand with having *loved so deeply*. 

As you grieve for him you also need to remember that Toby your other goldens always wanted you to be happy no matter what. This is their wish for you and also ours. Take this time to indulge in something special with lots of chocolate and remember them with pride. Search for photos that remind you of Toby's reassuring look and lock it in your heart.

Try to focus on the fact that Toby is thrilled that he is no longer bound by the pain. He is bounding joyfully freely right beside Sam with their tails swishing in the wind. Toby is no longer that caterpillar bound by the cocoon of pain but free like the most beautiful butterfly with the most glorious colours. 

His only sadness is not being able to allow you to feel his touch again even though he is still right beside you when you need him the most wanting you to be happy like he always did. The woof is a beautiful blessing. Imagine what he would be doing if he was right there. For Tia she would have been peacefully laying not too far away where I could see her. This thought brings me comfort and reassurance. Perhaps it will for you too? You can only try.

Please do check out the book Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylan and consider all of the antics our flock of golden spirit friends are getting up to as God giggles at them from behind the beautiful tree.

You might also like to check this out which I found very helpful in my raw state.
Petloss.com Monday Candle Ceremony

Even though you many not be ready to feel it Toby does come to visit and tries to empower you with healing. Please let him.

The sky has also been crying in this part of the world for the last few days and then I came across this...

As I sit in heaven and watch you everyday,
I try to let you know with signs I never went away.
I hear you when you’re laughing, and watch you as you sleep.
I even place my paws on you to calm you as you weep.
I see you wish the days away, begging to have me home.
So I try to send you signs so you know you are not alone.
Don’t feel guilty that you have life that was denied to me.
Heaven is truly beautiful, just you wait and see.
So live your life, laugh again, enjoy yourself, be free.
Then I know with every breath you take
You’ll be taking one for me.
Love you from Heaven.

Allow the tears to flow, they are cleansing rivers and a release of pain which is needed for healing. Christa so I wish that I could wrap you up in cotton wool and take your pain away.
We wish you all the best in your healing journey. 

Look up to the stars and see the rays of heaven peaking through and feel the pride of the beautiful memories that you made together.

We look forward to seeing your photos when you are ready


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## Jennifer1

I'm so very sorry


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you, Julie.

I just wish I could really feel him here with me, all is so awfully quiet..........
He is around me by all his favorite toys scattered about, his light golden hair on everything, his collar and leash, his food and water bowl, his favorite pillow still on his favorite spot on the couch...........
I wish I would feel his presence, the closest I came was by the "woof" that woke me up last night. 
He did not die at home.......... is his spirit still searching to come home.......... it just tears me up...........


----------



## dborgers

Christa,

We are with you in spirit 

Toby was home in the truest sense of the word: In the arms of the people he loved. Don't despair about his not being physically in your home at the time. Home to him was wherever you are.

Our first golden, Buddy, passed away in the middle of the night in an animal hospital, comfortable, on a high morphine drip, and not very aware of his surroundings being in La La Land as he was. The call came the next morning. At the time there wasn't a hospital in Nashville with 24 hour staff there. We so wished they'd have called us so we could be there, but they expected him to survive what ailed him (he was and estimated 15 years old at the time).

We had two small dogs at the time, Daisy and Sandy. The next night after Buddy returned to being his purely Heavenly form, Jane and I were awakened by soft barking. We woke up, and there were Daisy and Sandy sitting up on the bed, ears up, back ends quivering and tails wagging as they stared at my side of the bed where Buddy slept the nearly 10 years we were blessed to have him in our lives (self rescue). He came to see us, but we wouldn't have known if it weren't for them alerting us. They can see what we can't.

I have no doubt Toby has already been to your house and will pop in during these hard times. God allows spirits to go where they're needed when they first get to Heaven. Toby, like Andy, knows that your world is full of sorrow right now and will visit from time to time. He had no Earthly limits to his travels in the hours after his passing. As time goes on, both of us will see the signs that our boys have only left the Earthly forms that could no longer be a home for their golden spirits. They a_re_ and have always been God's special spiritual beings. They live forever. 

I have absolutely no doubts we'll see our boys again. Also, that they can see us now. The loving God that sent them to bless our lives is all about love and happiness. We have to allow Toby and Andy their time to run, play, eat treats to their hearts contents. But, they are allowed to do anything they want. Among those things are visiting the people they've shared so much love with. We lost the ability as humans to see them somewhere around 3 or 4 years old. But, they're there.


----------



## Doug

I hope that you do not mind me saying but I believe that you do not feel him yet in that way as you are not ready. There is still so much chaos in your life for him to be able to get through in the way that you crave (as with any death) It is still too understandably raw.

Looking at his body you must have seen with your own eyes that his spirit was no longer there that's because he stands just behind *you* and your OH. Spirits gravitate to where they felt the most comfortable and happiest. His spirit needs you and would follow you, even if you moved house just like what happened with Sam. *You* made Toby the happiest and the most comfortable so Toby will follow you. His soul is not at the vets. Toby is your teacher, protector and guide and always will be. Always remember what he taught you and look at the bright side even in the darkest situation. Take some time to recognise the stages of grief so that you cannot be tricked by the negative emotions that could possibly eat you up eg self doubt. Negative feelings do not come from Toby so give yourself permission to push those away. 

I know that he is desperately trying to comfort you but he can't get through as your own angels have wrapped a protective brace around you described as numbness. Gradually when you are ready and not so raw this will lift slowly and you will feel him in the right way. It will never be the same as you are not the same person you were last week. It will be different but eventually you will feel your newest guardian angel stand behind you protecting you and cheering you on as always. It is the same feeling you get when you went out to a dinner party without Toby. You knew he loved you even though you could not see him in that instant. You will forever be bonded. It is the loving bond that matters not his body which is was a vehicle for his soul to initially connect to yours. In the meantime he still tries to send you love and comfort whether you feel it yet or not.

I know that you know all of these things but sometimes when your world is rocked you need a gentle reminder so I hope that you don't mind my messages. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else.

Now go and reread the other loving messages that were sent to you and soak up the loving meaning of every word because you deserve them and a whole lot more

HUGS!!


----------



## Doug

Bravo very well said Danny!!


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you Danny and Julie.

I am hurting and numb all at the same time. I am sorry if I am rambling like a mad woman, I just can't think clearly......

Your words help greatly, thanks for being there for me. I am so not used being the person having to be consoled and comforted........


----------



## Doug

Not being able to think clearly at times like these is all too familiar. Please ramble as much as you like, you NEED to. Feeling hurt and numb are all apart of the path to healing. Unfortunately there is no easy way out of the fog, all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time. Be kind to yourself.


----------



## Buddy's mom forever

You consoled and comforted many of us, I am sorry it is your time to receive at least some we have to offer. You know how much we understand and feel your pain. I remember your first post about Toby having surgery and I suggested arnica for pain. Today I was taking some for my injured wrist and started crying thinking of Toby. I am thinking of you and prying you feel his presence soon, I know he is around and will find way to let you know that. Hugs.


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## Jesus Freak

I'm so sorry for your loss of Toby, you're not alone and we know what you're going through. God bless and comfort you through this terribly difficult time.


----------



## SandyK

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.


----------



## hockeybelle31

I am so so so sorry for your loss. I cannot wait for the day that we are all reunited.... be free Toby.... see you on the other side.


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## hubbub

I just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you all.


----------



## PrincessDi

This made me cry all over again!! It is so hard especially when they're health has declined and we have planned our lives around taking care of them! I did not realize that you went through this same cancer with 2 goldens before Toby. I think Toby's Woof was to let you know that he made it to the bridge. Holding you in our thoughts at this painful time.



cgriffin said:


> Thank you all so much. I am trying to thank everybody through my tears, please forgive if I did not attach a thanks to someone's post through my blurry eyes.
> 
> The ones of you, that have lost a precious fur baby or another loved one, know the gut wrenching pain and void it leaves behind. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and just left a huge gaping bleeding hole behind. I have gone through the same type of cancer with my two previous Goldens, but it sure does not make it any easier.
> 
> I was so torn up yesterday, I was listening to sounds of Toby, of expecting him to come through the door, entering a room, giving me big sloppy Toby kisses - nothing -, all quiet. I told my husband about it and that after the passing of my other two goldens, I saw them everywhere, I heard them everywhere, I felt their presence so much. My husband said, that he thinks I don't have the same experience with Toby, because we still have two other dogs. When my other two fur babies passed, they were our only dogs at the time. Maybe that is true, I don't know but it is very disturbing and painful.
> 
> I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard Toby's "woof". After Toby's orthopedic surgeries, he had to build up his muscle mass in the hind legs and he could go down stairs but not up stairs. He would go out in the yard and lay down and enjoy just being outside. When he got better and stronger, I could go inside and leave him for a few minutes and he would let me know when he wanted to come in by standing at the bottom of the stairs and giving me this pathetic, somehow higher pitch single "woof". Toby had a very deep barking voice but that 'woof' was so cute and higher pitch but also always tore at my heart strings.
> Lately, he had given me the 'woof' again, when he wanted to come in.
> 
> His 'woof' woke me up, it made me cry, it made me smile.....


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you!

I am so angry, I am so lost, I don't know yet how to move on from this, how to move on without Toby. I know I have to, at least for my other two fur babies' sake.

I have lost all three of my Goldens to Hemangiosarcoma and each one was my heart dog in his own way. It does not get any easier with each loss.
I had hoped I would not have to make that hard decision for my boy, but how often do we really get what we want? Why can't our loved ones just pass quietly in their sleep at a very old age? 

I have not been able to talk to anybody except my husband and I cannot even tell him my innermost anguish because I know he is hurting also, even though he does not talk about it. He seems to be handling all this a lot better than me, but then again, he has to go to work, be around people, put on a brave face. 

My sisters would like to talk to me on the phone, want to be there for me, but I cannot talk right now. I cannot talk about it to them or even my vet. He called today and left a voice mail, wanting to know how Toby is doing. I cannot talk to him and I cannot say the words out loud that Toby is dead. 
A receptionist called back later, I quickly told her we had to let Toby go, he had hemangiosarcoma and I can't talk about it yet and hung up sobbing. 


Thunder and Dachsi, my two other doggie boys are very subdued, quiet. They know. There is such a sad look in Thunder's eyes, it hurts. He was Toby's big brother and he taught him so much. Toby always looked up to his big brother, his hero. 

Friday evening, when Toby started feeling worse, Thunder and Dachsi were rallying around Toby. They knew something was wrong. Dachsi kept licking Toby's face and was whining. 

I would love to just curl up in a ball on the couch, hugging Toby's favorite toy, the pillow he loved to sleep on, and just stay there...... but Thunder and Dachsi need me.......
This is all still so painful and so surreal.........


----------



## HolDaisy

Thinking of you during this very difficult time and hope that you are doing okay.


----------



## Doug

We are all different yet we can relate to you on so many levels and are nodding our heads and feel your sorrow. If you re read my thread and focus on the grief parts I found that having pets that have gone before makes things even harder as it brings back all of the pain from the suffering and loss of those pets too. I also spoke of feeling as though I was bleeding under my shirt as I tried to carry on. Saying things out loud was also a step that I found so difficult to take. Well meaning friends ringing to talk about it made it that much worse as I could not vocalise the words. Sometimes it helps to know that you are not alone.

Thank God that I had this forum so that I could type out and release my feelings without someone staring at me and hear me trip over my words. I guess that what I am trying to say is that these feelings are normal. The truth is you have suffered a huge loss, especially to a soul that you tended to so attentively and lovingly. We have been cheated, it is cruel and it is not fair. My vet said that only 2% of dogs go on their own. Please do continue to write in this seniors section as it helps others prepare for the time when they will eventually have to say goodbye. Please do lean on your hubby, he is stronger than you think and you really need each other right now.

You know that it will get easier but in the meantime you also know that you need to endure this storm. I bet that Thunder and Dachsi hate to see you sad. I wish that I could come over and whisk you and the kids away to a healing hike with beautiful views and cleansing water and then totally pig out on our favourite comfort foods. We would share funny golden stories and shed happy tears that we were lucky enough to have loved such wonderful souls. :')

Keep writing and share your experience of grief to help others.


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## dborgers

Christa,

We're also keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. 

We only hurt so much because we love them so much. I don't think goldens can possibly be mere physical forms of molecules and atoms. That's only what they lived in here on Earth as they quietly spread the message of unconditional love. We'll see our boys when we arrive back where they are now. Where we all came from and return to. Heaven.

Danny and Jane


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## Karen519

*Cgriffin*

Cgriffin

I am so sorry about Toby. Please keep sharing with us, it's the only way I know to feel better.


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## Dallas Gold

Your last post brings tears to my eyes for you and also for both of my Bridge boys we lost to this evil disease. Take your time with your grief, you are entitled to be angry, teary, weepy, sad or whatever else comes out. I hope when you feel up to it you will post memories and photos of him. HUGS my friend.

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## swishywagga

Thinking of you today, understanding how awful you must feel right now. I maybe a long way from you but you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.


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## coppers-mom

cgriffin said:


> _were telling him how much we loved him and how sorry we are that we cannot do anything else for him._


It hurts so much, but you really could do one more thing; the last and kindest thing of all for Toby. You let him go even though your heart screamed NO because you loved him too much to not do it.

Hugs and more hugs for you during this difficult time.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all.

Here is one of my favorite pictures of Toby. It was taken January 2012, about three months after his TPLO surgery and about six weeks after his FHO.

He was finally starting to feel good and his 'happy face' came through on a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, I will never forget.............


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## PrincessDi

That is such an amazingly happy and beautiful face!! No wonder he's so loved. You can look into those eyes and tell what a wonderful life Toby had.


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## *Laura*

Beautiful picture of beautiful Toby. You could get lost in those eyes. Thank you. Thinking of you every day


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## Doug

Awh what a sweet, happy and handsome boy :')


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## Brinkleythegolden

Awww, what a sweet picture of a happy boy!


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## dborgers

Gorgeous picture of Toby. We're thinking of you


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## cgriffin

Thinking of you also, Danny.

Toby was a mama's boy, he was wherever I was. Oh, I miss him...........

I thought I heard the jingle of his collar this afternoon, it was all quiet, the other two boys did not wear their collars. Toby wore his collar more this past couple of weeks, because of having to go to the vet so often. He started to hate getting into the car and going for laser therapy. I feel so bad for fussing at him about it. Now, I understand why he hated the treatments, why he did not want to lay on his side............ arghhhhhhhhhh, I wish I had known. I had a gut feeling, a bad feeling and I mentioned it to that particular vet in charge of the laser treatments Monday a week ago. I even asked about, could he have cancer? "No", "No", was the reply. He did not improve, he got weaker, I was trying to get an answer. I was trying to check into acupuncture, and left a message for the vet doing the laser therapy to give me a call. She has not called back to this day.

Why did I not listen to Toby and to my gut?

I don't know if I can forgive myself for that or if Toby forgives me for it. 

On Tuesday early evening, I mentioned to my sister, that Toby had been drinking a lot of water and his belly just seemed so full. Tuesday evening, was when he started getting more restless and moaning a lot. He fell asleep during the night, between moving around, I decided to take him to the vet first thing in the morning (my regular vet, another clinic). Toby's gums were still nice and pink, CRT was less than a second. 
I took him to the vet at opening and you know the rest..............

I wish I had known.......... I know with this type of cancer, he did not have a chance, but I would have liked to know sooner and be able to make him more comfortable, not drag him to laser therapy.

Oh regrets..............
it is still awfully quiet, Toby was the more vocal one over the past year. He was also always the first one, wanting to go outside and lay and watch the birds, just enjoy being outside, first one wanting to go for a walk until last week........

I just miss my boy and I wish I could hear him talk now, trying to get attention, giving me his most puppy like woof and whine............ he learned that one after his surgeries.... when he used his whine, mom came running........ and he sure made good use of it.............still last week...........


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## Dallas Gold

Christa, I say this with kindness and empathy for you- please do not second guess yourself at all or have regrets. You did so much for your boy and I'm sure if he could he would thank you and tell you you did everything you possibly could for him. HUGS....


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## swishywagga

Sending you a HUGE hug over, I really feel for you right now, love the pic you posted x


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## dborgers

Christa, I know about second guessing. Stage 2 in the grieving process .. questioning ourselves. You have absolutely no reason to. You did everything you could to make him feel better and live a healthy life, all throughout his life. There's nothing for Toby to forgive you for. 

I felt guilty for a couple days about shoving antibiotics down Andy's throat in peanut butter, knowing what I know now.. But that, like the laser therapy, was what we were doing to help our boys get better and feel well.. There was no way you could have known unless he spoke English.


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Thank you!
> 
> I am so angry, I am so lost, I don't know yet how to move on from this, how to move on without Toby. I know I have to, at least for my other two fur babies' sake.
> 
> I have lost all three of my Goldens to Hemangiosarcoma and each one was my heart dog in his own way. It does not get any easier with each loss.
> I had hoped I would not have to make that hard decision for my boy, but how often do we really get what we want? Why can't our loved ones just pass quietly in their sleep at a very old age?
> 
> I have not been able to talk to anybody except my husband and I cannot even tell him my innermost anguish because I know he is hurting also, even though he does not talk about it. He seems to be handling all this a lot better than me, but then again, he has to go to work, be around people, put on a brave face.
> 
> My sisters would like to talk to me on the phone, want to be there for me, but I cannot talk right now. I cannot talk about it to them or even my vet. He called today and left a voice mail, wanting to know how Toby is doing. I cannot talk to him and I cannot say the words out loud that Toby is dead.
> A receptionist called back later, I quickly told her we had to let Toby go, he had hemangiosarcoma and I can't talk about it yet and hung up sobbing.
> 
> 
> Thunder and Dachsi, my two other doggie boys are very subdued, quiet. They know. There is such a sad look in Thunder's eyes, it hurts. He was Toby's big brother and he taught him so much. Toby always looked up to his big brother, his hero.
> 
> Friday evening, when Toby started feeling worse, Thunder and Dachsi were rallying around Toby. They knew something was wrong. Dachsi kept licking Toby's face and was whining.
> 
> I would love to just curl up in a ball on the couch, hugging Toby's favorite toy, the pillow he loved to sleep on, and just stay there...... but Thunder and Dachsi need me.......
> This is all still so painful and so surreal.........


Oh, Christa. So much of this is so familiar to me. I can feel your pain. I wish I could take it away. I didn't know how I was going to go on either after Tesia died. I sat on the phone and sobbed (to my sister, to my mum, to my friends, even to my vets) "what am I going to do?" I could not believe that she was gone. The pain was physical for the first few days. I didn't leave my house. I wouldnt let anyone come over, because all I wanted to do was cry. Everyone who called, I just sobbed. I could not say or write the words, "Tesia died.." without crying. You say "I would love to just curl up in a ball on the couch, hugging Toby's favorite toy, the pillow he loved to sleep on, and just stay there...... " It IS okay to do this for a little while. It helps. It's part of grieving. Let yourself grieve. Those first few days after Tee died, I truly did not know how I was going to go back to normal life without her in it. 

But I went out on the fifth day for a walk. And I met up with my friend whose Golden died of cancer on the sixth day and we took her new Golden to the park. My neighbours/friends who I would hang with with Tesia when we all met up on the street (they with their dogs) took me for brunch. And it started, tiny bit by tiny bit, to get better. It did help to go back to work - even though she was front of my mind all day. It helped me to talk about her to people who cared about me and loved her. Weekends are still hardest - I miss what we used to do together on weekends - big walks in the woods, long outings to the park to play ball. 

I will never stop missing her, as you will never stop missing Toby. But it's okay to feel just nothing but sad or angry right now. Guilt, sadly, that's normal, too. And it is easy for me to say, please don't feel guilty. But I was wracked with guilt, too. It does help to talk about that, too. My vet helped me with that because we could walk through what happened, step by step. 

I just want to say, I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all. I am truly grateful for your support and I am feeling for all of you that have lost precious fur kids as well.
I think my stages of grieving are all jumbled up, going back and forth.

Talking to my husband, we both feel so bad that we could not take Toby home to say goodbye. I had written that Toby jumped up and was looking expectantly at my hubby with his big beautiful eyes asking: Can we go home now? And we could not. He looked so disappointed when we did not grab his leash and walked out the room. That is one promise to him we could not keep. It tears us both up. We know we could not take him home to die, he would never have survived the trip home and it would have been a painful death. We just love Toby too much to have put him through this.... but we will never forget that disappointed look in his eyes. I hope Toby did not hate us those last moments for not taking him home.


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## hubbub

I'm shedding tears here for you all. We never know how much time we will have - you made the best of every day, every moment with Toby (even rushing back to be with him at the end) - none of us could ask for anything more.


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## Doug

Ah yes those are the self doubt voices that I warned you about. They can and will eat you up if you let them. We need to be the boss of our own thoughts.

There is a big difference between our brain chatter and our soul voice. A part of living in harmony is learning the subtle difference between the two. I have to be attentive to this as I suffer from panic attacks. I also must remind myself that noone can make me feel bad without my permission so I have to decide if I am going to listen to my soul voice or the often misguiding chatter in my head. It is a deliberate decision to push the rubbish away. Only the loving thoughts that evoke pride come from Toby. He always wanted you to be happy and this is no exception.

In situations like this you must remind yourself that Toby would have tried every therapy available to him so that you could feel a little better if the situations were reversed. You did not make him sick. You were the one who would have taken him home if you could have. You fought for him through out the whole process.

Do you remember this story?
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, *guilt*, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is* joy, peace, love*, hope, *serenity*, humility, *kindness*, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, *compassion*, and *faith*. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Be kind to yourself. Stop feeding the negative thoughts and immerse yourself in the wonderful connection that you achieved with Toby. It is hard but the sooner you start talking about it and getting back into the big wide world the sooner your healing can start.

Release the sadness through writing, posting and talking.

I wish you an abundance of joy, peace, love, serenity, kindness, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith


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## Finn's Fan

Toby did not hate you in those last minutes. He was always just happy to go home, a normal thing for him to do. As you said and you know in your heart, he wouldn't have made it and there would've been much pain involved in trying, so you did the right thing. You kept his comfort first and foremost as the yardstick for your actions, so you did the RIGHT THING. Please try not to second guess yourself. You loved your dog and did exactly what needed doing for Toby's sake. The price....your heartbreak. The price is always too high, but it is when the love has been so great. I am so sorry for your loss.....


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## cgriffin

I never realized, how much my life revolved around Toby till now. He was always a special boy, there was a special bond between us. He was my everything.
We saw each other for the first time, it was instantly love at first sight on both sides. He picked me, I picked him. 
His birthday was March 12, he had just turned ten years old. He was my birthday present 10 years ago. It was the best and most precious gift I ever got. 
He was a mama’s boy from the start, never far from my side. I called him my “life’s blood”, he was my Velcro dog. He never wanted to be outside without me being right there. If I went inside for a bit, he would be coming in or would be standing outside barking for me to come outside. 
Over the past 15 months, especially after his surgeries, he became so much more vocal. He had acquired the pathetic whine after the surgeries and being in pain. Mama was always there, comforting him, I came running when I heard the whine. He sure made good use of it over the past year J

He was great at the “aroo-ing” , just letting lose and talking trying to get attention, whether it was out in the yard, me trying to watch some TV, sitting at the computer. When Mr. Toby needed mom, NOW, there went the “arooroo”. Oh gosh, I miss that………………..

I have two other dogs but …………Toby just blew me away…………..

I miss those big slobbery kisses that never left a dry spot in my face and neck………. I miss those enthusiastic tail thumps………..still thumping at the end…………….


The picture is of Toby 'arooroo-ing' , oh sweet Toby..........


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## *Laura*

Christa - I feel your anguish. I think many of us have certain regrets when we look back at our last moments with our fur babies. We take on the responsibility of the gift to help them pass and second guess if we have done it correctly, if we could have done it better. But we just do the best we can with the information that we are given. It's a difficult task to take on and no one teaches us how to do it perfectly. (I have regrets with both my Maddie and Echo that I've struggled with). You did EVERYTHING you could for Toby. You were with Toby loving him right to the end. That is the most important thing. Toby only knew love for you.


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## *Laura*

Christa - I love the picture of Toby roo-ing. I can hear him


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## Dallas Gold

I love that photo of Toby!

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## Goldens R Great

What a cute photo of Toby!

They certainly leave a huge void in our lives when they pass away. I think it does help, like you are doing, to talk about them and share little stories and share photos. 

Thank goodness for sweet memories...


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## MercyMom

cgriffin said:


> We decided to let our sweet boy go.... one of the hardest decisions I have ever made....
> I don't want him to suffer, I love him too much.
> We will go and say our goodbyes and ............


I am so sorry you had to let your beloved Toby go. I never would have imagined that a bunch of GRF Goldens would die at once. This must have been such a hard decision for you! I know you must be heartbroken.:--sad:


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## MercyMom

cgriffin said:


> Thank you all.
> 
> This was one of the hardest decisions I (we) ever had to make. My previous Goldies passed so fast due to Hemangio sarcoma, the decision was made for me.
> 
> Toby did have Hemangio sarcoma of the heart. The vets could not do anymore for him, he was losing blood too fast and was only suffering.
> We went down to Brentwood, in tears. My husband has never seen a pet die. He was never present when previous pets passed. It was doubly hard on him.
> We went to a room and they brought Toby in. He was sooo happy to see us and was thumping and wagging that tail. We were sitting on the floor with him and were telling him how much we loved him and how sorry we are that we cannot do anything else for him. He fell asleep a couple of times. My husband got up once to get some tissues and Toby jumped up, looked expectantly at my husband and walked to the door. My husband totally broke down that moment, because he could not tell Toby that he will take him home now.
> All this was so heart wrenching. Toby looked like he always did, alert, bright, waggy, ready to go home. How are we suppose to send him to the bridge? He was full of life and love in his eyes and somehow disappointment when he saw he is not going home.
> 
> The vet had talked to us first, asked if we had questions and was really understanding and nice. She said to take all the time we need. She said, we are doing the right thing, even though he is feeling good being with his parents, he is steadily declining and slowly bleeding to death.
> 
> When we were ready, I don't think anybody is ever ready, we knocked on the door to let the vet know we are ready. We were hugging and kissing and talking to Toby while a sedative was given and then the other. Once he looked up and sniffed the air repeatedly, it was a bit disturbing and I told him that I am with him, that I love him and he is okay. My husband told him that he needs to go to sleep. He passed quietly then.
> We spent some more time with him, I was still talking to him, hugging and kissing him goodbye and I snipped some of his fur. I needed something of his.
> Toby will be cremated and the ashes returned to us.
> 
> Toby was my everything, mutual love at first sight. I always called him my "life's blood". I cannot believe he is gone.........
> I could just scream and never stop...........


Oh sweetie! I'm so sorry!


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## dborgers

Big hugs to you, Christa. 

Danny and Jane


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## HolDaisy

Just to say that I am thinking of you and understand exactly how heartbroken you are feeling right now. The photos of Toby are so beautiful and I can see what a gentle and loving boy he was with those big beautiful eyes. Please don't be too hard on yourself about those final moments with him. Toby knew how much you loved him and you were with him every step of the way and right until the end and that's what was important. I hope he sends you a sign to let you know he's okay.


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## Sweet Girl

I love the aroooing picture. Precious boy. 



cgriffin said:


> Thank you all. I am truly grateful for your support and I am feeling for all of you that have lost precious fur kids as well.
> I think my stages of grieving are all jumbled up, going back and forth.
> 
> Talking to my husband, we both feel so bad that we could not take Toby home to say goodbye. I had written that Toby jumped up and was looking expectantly at my hubby with his big beautiful eyes asking: Can we go home now? And we could not. He looked so disappointed when we did not grab his leash and walked out the room. That is one promise to him we could not keep. It tears us both up. We know we could not take him home to die, he would never have survived the trip home and it would have been a painful death. We just love Toby too much to have put him through this.... but we will never forget that disappointed look in his eyes. I hope Toby did not hate us those last moments for not taking him home.


You did the best thing for him. I couldn't take Tesia home either her last day. It would have meant she suffered one more day because* I* could not bear to let her go, and wanted her to die at home. You couldn't do that to Toby anymore than I could to Tee. He did not hate you. You helped release him from his pain. If you had taken him home and he had suffered (as you say he would have), you would have hated yourself. You truly did the most caring thing. You loved him too much to do anything less.


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## cgriffin

Watching this in tears........... my sweet boy, a gentle soul..........

Toby was adamant about wanting to lay in Dachsi's dog bed..... he did not fit...... he did not care.........he was so precious.......


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## dborgers

That was absolutely precious, Christa. Toby did a great job of gently and playfully protecting his 'comfy spot'.  

Thanks for sharing the video with us


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## Fella 77

Reading through all your posts, and looking at the pictures and the video of Toby..he was a special, beautiful boy. There is just something unique and special about Golden's..they are just different than other dogs. After I watched your video I had tears streaming down my face (inconvenient, seeing as I am at work) Watching your grieving process and reading your comments brings me right back to Aug. when I had to let my baby go. I was in denial, and my vet told me she wouldn't hesitate telling me when she thought it was time..I knew she was dying but I just couldn't actually rationalize it...When she left us, she had her head on my wife's lap...I held her tight and told her how much I loved her...after she was gone, I couldn't leave...I tried, but I just couldn't walk out and just leave her there..I wouldn't leave until one of the vet techs came in and stayed with her..I made her promise she wouldn't leave her alone in the exam room..and I still couldn't leave..my wife had to drag me out of the room..she was my baby, my heart, my everything..I just couldn't leave her there..but she wasn't there anymore. I feel bad that I made a bit of an emotional scene...there was a woman standing outside our exam room waiting to check out with her dog..she was witnessing this and as I walked by her I could see she had tears in her eyes..I guess she got hit with some of my emotional shrapnel..I guess I just want you to know that you are not alone in your sorrow and pain...I found this website when I was reeling with grief and ached from missing my Sadie..and it helped me to hear I wasn't alone in what I was going through, and to be around people that loved their dogs as much as I did, and understood what I was going through..


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## Doug

Ah gentle giant indeed:')


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## Sweet Girl

I love the video. And his sweet white face. What a sweetheart.


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## HolDaisy

Thank you for sharing that video it's just precious. Toby was such a sweetie, a kind and gentle golden. You've got a very special angel in him watching over you!


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## Dallas Gold

What a wonderful video! Thank you for sharing!


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## *Laura*

Christa that is the sweetest video of Toby playing with Dachsi. What a sweetie. He was making himself as little as possible. aw...tears in my eyes. What a lovely boy. I hope you have more pictures and videos to share with us.


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## Brinkleythegolden

What a sweet boy he was! I have tears streaming down my face...


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## Maddie'sMom2011

Toby was a sweetie for sure. What a precious soul. Thank you so much for sharing him with me. There is absolutely nothing like a golden to bring smiles to your face. Every single day. They steal your heart as a puppy & break it when you have to say goodbye.

My heart is crying with yours.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all.

Toby will be returning to us tomorrow, we got the call about his ashes ready for pick-up.
This will be a hard day ahead. But, I also will be glad to have him home.


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## dborgers

Christa,

We'll be thinking of you tomorrow. 

Danny and Jane


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## PrincessDi

I can definitely imagine sweet Toby rooing from that picture. The video is precious beyond measure, it has me in tears. Toby was such a treasure! He has LOVE written all over him. Holding you in our thoughts tomorrow on such a bittersweet day.


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## SandyK

Love the video. Thanks for sharing. Toby was a great boy. Tomorrow will be hard, but Toby will be home with you forever...where he belongs. My thoughts will be with you!!


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## Fella 77

Wishing you peace and comfort picking up Toby today...It was hard picking up Sadie..lots of tears..but I felt good about having her home again..they made a plaster imprint of her paw..I find myself touching it often...it's like my last physical link to her..


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## Karen519

*Toby*

Christa: I will be thinking of and praying for you today!

I know it will be hard and emotional picking up Toby today, it was for me picking up Smooch, but it gave me much comfort and a WARM FEELING that she was home and I know you will feel glad that your beautiful Toby is home with you!


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## GoldenMum

I know today will be a difficult one for you, my heart, prayers, and thoughts are with you. Wishing you peace and strength.


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## swishywagga

Thinking of you today, sending hugs x.


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## PrincessDi

Holding you in our thoughts on this bittersweet day. Receiving our beloved's ashes has always been almost as hard as the day that we lose them.


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## hubbub

Thinking of you today and glad that Toby will be returning to his family. The video of him is so sweet - his gentle soul shines right through.


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## Dallas Gold

I am thinking of you today, sending prayers for comfort....it is one of the most difficult tasks after we lose them. (((HUGS))).

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## Karen519

*Toby*

What a beautiful video of Toby trying to fit in Daschi's bed!
http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com...nter/153146-toby-his-arthritis-issues-19.html
Praying for comfort for you, as you go to pick up Toby's ashes.

Both of our dogs ashes (Smooch and Snobear) are in the Family Room, as we spend most of our time there.


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## dborgers

We're with you in spirit, Christa. Hugs from Jane and I.


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## Michele4

I love your video, RIP Toby, lots of hugs going out to you today.


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you on this very difficult day. It really is a very hard task to deal with when we lose them but know that you will be getting your boy back where he belongs.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all for thinking of us today.
Toby is home with us. I am relieved to have him home, where he belongs. I think at night he will be right there on the night stand next to my bed. 
We also got a paw print/paw impression of Toby baked in clay. I keep looking at it and touching it. 
I miss my boy


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## Dallas Gold

I'm glad he's back with you....(((HUGS)))


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## Karen519

*Toby*



cgriffin said:


> Thank you all for thinking of us today.
> Toby is home with us. I am relieved to have him home, where he belongs. I think at night he will be right there on the night stand next to my bed.
> We also got a paw print/paw impression of Toby baked in clay. I keep looking at it and touching it.
> I miss my boy


Glad that TOBY is home with you-I got the same paw print in clay for Smooch.
I have it right next to her ashes.


----------



## GoldensGirl

Somewhere under a piece of furniture there is a ball of precious fur to cherish... a toy or ball that was the last one played with... There is a blanket that still holds a precious smell. These are treasures of infinite worth. Toby is immortal, living forever in your heart; when you miss him most, look for him there. Ask for and watch for signs from him. Many of us have come to celebrate them.

Peace be with you.


----------



## dborgers

((Hugs)) from Nashville


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## Brinkleythegolden

GoldensGirl said:


> Somewhere under a piece of furniture there is a ball of precious fur to cherish... a toy or ball that was the last one played with... There is a blanket that still holds a precious smell. These are treasures of infinite worth. Toby is immortal, living forever in your heart; when you miss him most, look for him there. Ask for and watch for signs from him. Many of us have come to celebrate them.
> 
> Peace be with you.


I couldn't have said it better....


----------



## Doug

At times like these there are no words just solid hugs :')


----------



## SandyK

I am glad Toby is home with you. I hope you were able to sleep a little better knowing he was by your side again...even though he never really left you. Always in your heart forever!!


----------



## PrincessDi

Sending hugs to you as well from Washington! Toby will definitely always be with you.


----------



## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Thank you all for thinking of us today.
> Toby is home with us. I am relieved to have him home, where he belongs. I think at night he will be right there on the night stand next to my bed.
> We also got a paw print/paw impression of Toby baked in clay. I keep looking at it and touching it.
> I miss my boy


How I feel for you.

I hope there is some peace in having Toby home with you. I understand about the paw print. I also find myself often laying my hand on the top of the urn that holds Tesia's ashes and saying hello. It is almost as calming as laying my hand on her was.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you.
Stephanie, I also keep laying my hand on Toby's urn and tell him that I love him. It does give some comfort. 
I see him always happy, always goofy and oh so lovable. Then I think: What happened?


----------



## Karen519

*Christa*



cgriffin said:


> Thank you.
> Stephanie, I also keep laying my hand on Toby's urn and tell him that I love him. It does give some comfort.
> I see him always happy, always goofy and oh so lovable. Then I think: What happened?


Christa:

What gives me huge comfort, is when I think how sick my Smooch was before she went to the Rainbow Bridge and now she is in a place where she can play and be free of pain and wait for me.


----------



## cgriffin

Here is a video of Toby and my other two boys howling at sirens. 
Thunder, my lab mix taught Toby how to howl when Toby was just a puppy. Toby's first tries at howling were so funny, I wish I had some video of it. He eventually got the hang of it. Every time he would howl, he would look back at me like: Did you hear me howl, mom? Did you see? I can do it!

The video was taken in January. Toby had been to the vet for his six months geriatric profile, blood work and urinalysis were perfect. Toby was not limping, he was happy and feeling good. The vet even commented how happy Toby looked and acted.

My three boys - I miss you Toby! - YouTube


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## cgriffin

I still can't believe that this afternoon, Toby will have been gone for one week already


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## swishywagga

Thinking of you today, sending comforting hugs over to you. Take care.


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## Doug

Ha Ha! Good efforts Tobs! It was fun to see him want to get involved in all of the action with his swishing tail.

Yes I can relate so well to the shell shocked feeling. (More head nodding)


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## dborgers

> He eventually got the hang of it. Every time he would howl, he would look back at me like: Did you hear me howl, mom? Did you see? I can do it!


What an absolutely precious picture that paints  

Thank you for sharing the video and stories. We're with you in spirit.


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## cgriffin

Happy Days, taken last October. Toby could make me laugh out loud


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## dborgers

Christa,

Toby brought laughter to our house this afternoon. 5 seconds after I started the video above with the sirens, little Ollie came dashing down to the 'man cave', jumped on my lap, sat, and watched the video with ears at full mast, tail wagging, and head pivoting from one side to the other with curiosity. We watched it a 2nd time. Ollie trying to figure out how to get in the screen and play with your boys. 

Your video and pics are precious.


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## Dallas Gold

That video really got my very tired dogs' attention! I love that photo of Toby smiling like that. It's a treasure!


----------



## *Laura*

Christa I'm glad you have Toby by your side again. I love the video of Toby with his brothers and the picture of him. So sweet. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. My heart goes out to you Hugs


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## PrincessDi

We all enjoyed the video of Toby. Bae Lee and Keeper were trying to figure out how to be part of the fun as well. Love the picture of Toby smiling! All of the milestones are very hard. I think that the one week and month and year are the hardest. Keeping you in our thoughts.


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## SandyK

Love the video...and great picture. Put a smile on my face tonight. Made me laugh knowing you said he would look at you after he howled...such a good boy!!


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## Karen519

*Christa*

Christa

Just want you to know this picture of Toby made me SMILE BIG!!

http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=172417&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1365288672


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## Sweet Girl

That picture fo Toby is pure joy. If you haven't already, print it out, frame it, and put it somewhere you can see it often through your day. It will help in its own little way to see your boy so joyful everyday.



cgriffin said:


> I still can't believe that this afternoon, Toby will have been gone for one week already


The firsts can be so hard. One week, one month... That first week was such a blur of tears for me. I hope you are doing okay. I was still crying at least once a day - sometimes more than that - one week later. I promise it will slowly get a little easier. Be kind to yourself.


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## cgriffin

Thank you.
Stephanie, I still cry every day.

I loaded pictures of Toby on the computer, that were taken last week, after I picked him up from the emergency/specialty clinic, pictures taken that Thursday and Friday.
Oh, he looks so sick and so awfully tired on those pictures. It shocked me, broke my heart all over again and it hurts to breathe. Why did this have to happen to my baby? I am so lost without him..........


----------



## hubbub

Toby's picture and the video of him howling made me smile  Thank you for sharing them. I'm glad that Toby has come back home and that you have an impression of his paw. I can only begin to imagine your grief. I'm thinking of you and Andy's family often.


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## dborgers

Thinking of you, Christa. 

Danny and Jane


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## Doug

Those photos are a real shock but I deliberately keep them to remind me why my girl could not stay. She also looked so tired. Tia deserves the glory of heaven after all of her hard work teaching us how to love freely and hold our head up high and carry on no matter what. She deserves a great retirement with greater rewards and freedom that I could ever offer and I cannot deny her of that.

I hope that you have a photo like this with a reassuring look

Tia&Hudson

to remind you that Tobs is still beside you when you need him the most even though you cannot physically see him. :'(


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## HolDaisy

Thank you for sharing your precious videos and photos of beautiful Toby. I love the one of them all howling, it's priceless! I bet Toby was so cute howling as a puppy, bless him. I hope you're doing okay, those early days are so hard.


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## cgriffin

My gorgeous boy:

Thunder holds his tail curled up, and when Toby was a pup, he decided to have a curl in his tail also. Anything to be like his big brother

Oh, I miss that Blondie! I realize more and more that my life revolved around Toby. He was never far from my side. He was such a love bug and attention getter, a typical mama's boy. And I was happy to indulge him.

I have thousands of pictures of Toby. I have his puppy pictures on an external hard drive. I have to figure out how to access it and load some puppy pics.

In the last picture, I was getting ready to go shopping and Toby and Dachsi gave me the sad look about leaving them at home.


----------



## dborgers

Christa,

Toby's gentle personality shines through in the photos. The pics of he and Dachsi are really sweet. 

We'd love to see more. Hugs from Nashville


----------



## Dallas Gold

I'm loving all your photos of Toby. Such a precious boy.


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## swishywagga

Such lovely pictures, you are in our thoughts, sending hugs over to you!


----------



## *Laura*

Christa I love all the pictures of your boys and look forward to many more. Toby's sweet and gentle soul shines through in all of his pictures. I hope the pictures and videos are bringing you some comfort.


----------



## Fella 77

I am enjoying all your memories of Toby...he certainly was a beautiful happy boy! The one of him smiling mad me laugh out loud!


----------



## Brinkleythegolden

Awww, what great pictures!


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you.

As the AC just kicked in, I am walking down memory lane again and again and again.........

On a hot day, when Toby was about 4 months old, I was sitting in the living room, all the dogs were in the house, nobody else home and the front door open. Suddenly, the front door started closing, I was startled and looked and... this makes me smile..........Toby had somehow got himself behind the front door and pushed it closed with this head and body and then proceeded to lay on the AC vent behind the door. It was so unbelievable and funny! 
From that point on, that was his daily routine in hot weather or when he was just plain old warm. He was so incredibly smart already at an early age.
It took a while for him to be able to do this after his orthopedic surgeries, but he eventually could do it again and continued to do so till just a few weeks ago.

It made me chuckle every time we had visitors, when we were sitting and talking and the front door closed and the surprised faces


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## HolDaisy

Love your story about Toby lying on the AC vent, what a clever boy he was. You definitely can see through the photos what a gentle boy he was, and I bet he gave great cuddles. Hope you're doing okay, the loss of a golden best friend really is so hard


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you, yes, it is very hard, I am not getting a lot done. Toby is always on my mind. 
In beautiful weather like this, I would spend a lot of time outside sitting with the boys, if I had the time or working in the yard, Toby always close.
Toby never wanted to stay out without his mom.
Come to think of it, I spent most of my free time outside with the dogs, no matter what the weather. Toby always by my side, always wanting attention. 

I have to admit, I am having a real hard time right now staying outside, it just is not the same without Toby...... I know I am not being fair to Thunder and Dachsi.............


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## Doug

I would encourage you to plant a memorial tree or rose (or both) in your garden in honor of Tobs. Even if you do not choose to lay his ashes there they are still a wonderful reminder of his beauty and strength. It is good to go outside and get some fresh air and sunshine especially when you don't feel like it. Surprisingly I love going outside to visit my new green 'friends' with Hudson and check on their progress. I'm sure the beautiful new rose and trees make Tia feel proud and honoured. We also did it for our lymphoma cat. It is wonderful to see such beauty arise from where there was such sorrow, it is almost a reminder that we should celebrate their lives and grow which is the way it should be.


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## *Laura*

Doug said:


> I would encourage you to plant a memorial tree or rose (or both) in your garden in honor of Tobs. Even if you do not choose to lay his ashes there they are still a wonderful reminder of his beauty and strength. It is good to go outside and get some fresh air and sunshine especially when you don't feel like it. Surprisingly I love going outside to visit my new green 'friends' with Hudson and check on their progress. I'm sure the beautiful new rose and trees make Tia feel proud and honoured. We also did it for our lymphoma cat. It is wonderful to see such beauty arise from where there was such sorrow, it is almost a reminder that we should celebrate their lives and grow which is the way it should be.


Doug, What a beautiful way to honour your fur-babies. 

Christa, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Sending a hug to you


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## dborgers

With you in spirit, Christa. We're here anytime you need us.

Danny and Jane


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Thank you, yes, it is very hard, I am not getting a lot done. Toby is always on my mind.
> In beautiful weather like this, I would spend a lot of time outside sitting with the boys, if I had the time or working in the yard, Toby always close.
> Toby never wanted to stay out without his mom.
> Come to think of it, I spent most of my free time outside with the dogs, no matter what the weather. Toby always by my side, always wanting attention.
> 
> I have to admit, I am having a real hard time right now staying outside, it just is not the same without Toby...... I know I am not being fair to Thunder and Dachsi.............


It's okay. Be kind to yourself. Little by little, you'll spend more time outside. Thunder and Daschi will be a big help in raising your spirits. It's still very new.


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## cgriffin

Thank you for your understanding and your support, it really helps!

I loaded some more videos of Toby, the quality is not the best, my camera was wearing out.

This one was August 2011, Toby and Dachsi at the toy box. Toby was always so funny when he wanted to play and walking backwards and .... you will see........ he was also vocal as you can hear 

Oh, don't laugh about my doggie baby talk


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## dborgers

I really enjoyed the video, Christa. It's obvious how happy a life your fur kids have. Toby's butt wiggles, happy dance, and vocalizations made me smile. We're continuing to keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

BTW, most of our voices go up in pitch when talking to our dogs


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## Fella 77

What a great video..nothing makes me smile more than a golden wagging his tail!


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## Doug

What a precious videos of Toby and Andy.
They say a picture paints a thousand words, well a video must paint a million 
:'')


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## hubbub

Oh, I love the video  Toby's backing up makes me think of cars I had as a kid that you pulled backward to wind them up - - ready to GO!


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## cgriffin

This has been incredibly hard day for me so far. I am just missing my boy so much.... it is all still so surreal.
I had gone outside and everything just came flooding back, happy memories of Toby, following me around, playing and rolling in the grass and the realization that these happy moments will never occur again. I sat down on the steps and I sobbed, I don't think I have ever sobbed like that. Thunder and Dachsi were in the house but I guess they heard me. Dachsi came up next to me and gave me a lick, then he just stood there quietly, Thunder was laying in the grass very quiet. I know this is all confusing to them, too. They just know I am sad and that Toby is not here.

I came across this picture yesterday, I think it was taken a couple of years ago, Toby was at the kitchen window watching the hummingbirds. He loved bird watching. 
Yesterday evening I saw the first hummingbird at the feeder outside the kitchen window.


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## murphy1

So sorry for your loss. Find comfort in knowing you did what was best for him. He's no longer in pain but running like the wind with my Shamus!!! I'm crying with you .


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## dborgers

Thinking of you, Christa. 

Danny


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## Karen519

*Christa*

Christa

My heart goes out to you! What a beautiful picture!


----------



## Fella 77

That is such a great picture of Toby...sorry you are having a bad day..I like to think that it's during those hard, sad moments that the spirit of your dog is with you the most..


----------



## Brinkleythegolden

What a handsome guy he was. We all handle grief differently. I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad..


----------



## coppers-mom

What a lovely, lovely face Toby had.
It sure takes a while to even be "okay" about them being gone, but I sure hope your grief begins to ease.


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## Doug

Love that photo. Makes me wanna give him a big fat hug even more! 

Toby is free of pain now, free to run and dance, free to visit you and have healing from the angels above who love him so much. It is as if he has won the lotto and is living in his own tropical paradise island. I hope that you get a little comfort from this. 

The only thing that he can't have is your physical touch. However he still sees the love you have for him every time you think, say or write something good about him which also helps him to heal so keep your energy focussed on the good for the sake of his soul and yours


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## dborgers

As others have said, Toby has such a beautiful, expressive face.  We're with you in spirit, Christa. Thank you for sharing Toby with us. How is Dachsi doing?


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## cgriffin

Thank you all!
Thank you, Danny. I am also thinking about you guys.

Thunder and Dachsi are doing okay. Last week, they were more subdued and sad, quiet. This week, they are starting to perk up. I am sure they are still confused. 
Thunder, my lab mix. was with Toby his entire life, Dachsi joined us in November 2010. 
Dachsi cuddled with Toby a lot and was always licking Toby's face. 

At times, I start talking out loud to Toby and the boys look up with ears up. They hear Toby's name and I am sure they are still wondering what happened.


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## Sweet Girl

Such a sweet face. 

I wish I could take away some of your pain. It can at times feel like more than one person can endure. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you often.


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## dborgers

Please give Dachsi and Thunder a belly scratch from us. Beautiful fur kids, Christa.

They probably are aware of more than we realize. The night our first golden, Buddy, went to the Bridge, we were awakened in the middle of the night by our two small girls sitting on the bed, ears up, tails and butts quivering, softly barking at my side of the bed where Buddy slept.

Looks like were going to get a pounding today and tonight. Be safe. 

As always, we're with you in spirit.


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## cgriffin

Thank you Danny. If I did not have them two, I don't know what I would do....

This rain and the hot temps of this week sure made everything green over night. 

Usually my boys don't want to go out when it is stormy as it is today and they stay close. Today they keep running outside barking. I don't know what is up with that unless............
I was looking at the clips of Toby's fur today and Thunder and Dachsi came over to see. I let them sniff the fur and they both jumped up, all perky and were looking around all excited. I am afraid I confused them even more  I don't know if they are expecting Toby to come home any minute.............


----------



## dborgers

Christa, it wouldn't be surprising if they've seen Toby. 

Leaves on the trees will be a welcome and renewing sight. Watching the lawn grow I have to cut, not so much LOL


----------



## cgriffin

A couple of pictures of Thunder and Toby together. That was a year before Dachsi joined the family. Thunder and Toby were joined at the hip, that changed once Dachsi entered the picture. Dachsi was a stray that was staying at the neighbor's house when he got hit by a car, the neighbor did not want him and I was the one taking him to the vet, paid the vet bills and ending up keeping him. 
Toby and Thunder both got used to Dachsi and played with him and loved him, but they were not as close as they used to be. I do very much regret that 
I had tried to find a home for Dachsi or a rescue and was not successful. I guess there was a reason for us keeping Dachsi; when Toby had his surgeries, Dachsi was there to play with Thunder when Toby could not. Now, that Toby is gone, Thunder is not alone.
Toby sure loved both his brothers.


----------



## cgriffin

Worked in the yard all day, trying to get the pool ready.
I sure missed Toby following me around, watching, running up onto the pool deck and looking at the water.........


----------



## Maddie'sMom2011

It's funny how you miss those little things. When we lost Jake & Lillie, I missed them at my feet whenever I was in the kitchen cooking. We didn't have to lock the gate anymore, because Jake wasn't here to break out. 

I know how much you're hurting, Christa. I wish I could take it away. You have so much support here, I know it has to help.


----------



## dborgers

Thinking of you, Christa


----------



## HolDaisy

Thinking of you as I know how much your're missing your beautiful boy and understand exactly what your're going through.


----------



## *Laura*

Always thinking of you Christa. The pictures of Toby and Thunder remind me so much of the bond my Echo and Maddie had. After Maddie passed very suddenly Echo didn't wag her tail for over a week. They grieve with us. I'm sorry your days are filled with such sadness. I sure understand how you feel. ((hugs))


----------



## SandyK

Thinking of you. Very nice pictures of Toby and Thunder!!


----------



## Doug

WOW what a handsome photo!.. and such a significant loss.
Our thoughts and hearts are with you


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## cgriffin

Taking a walk down memory lane this morning, looking at puppy pictures of Toby and crying.... he was so cute, still was cute as an adult and senior............

Here are some pictures of Toby when we first got him:

The first couple of pictures were at the breeder's home (I know she was messy in the yard), when I held Toby for the first time, love at first sight.


----------



## cgriffin

Pictures of brotherly love:


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## swishywagga

The pictures are beautiful, thank you so much for posting them. Our thoughts are with you, sending a very special hug over to you.


----------



## *Laura*

I love all your pictures. Baby Toby was so cute with his big brother. You can see in the pictures the special bond they had.


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## dborgers

Oh, those pictures are absolutely darling, Thank you.  

The first pics say "Love at first sight" at first glance. What a darling little fur ball and growning up Toby.  Thunder is such a good big brother too. I hope looking at the pictures brings you more smiles than tears with the passage of time. We're here for ya. I love looking at the pictures


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## cgriffin

When the breeder brought out Toby those many years ago, I looked at him and thought: that is the one! Toby saw me and he started wagging and wanting to get to me. The breeder handed Toby to me and those are the pictures when I held him the first time. Like I said: Love at first sight and I think my previous old gold Sam told Toby to wait for Mama. 
Right now, the pictures bring only tears............... I am a teary mess today.


----------



## PrincessDi

Oh my, those pictures really tug at my heart strings! Toby was such a beautiful fluff ball!! And the pictures with his brother Thunder are so special. I know how hard it must be to be without your beloved Toby.


----------



## Maddie'sMom2011

Those pictures are precious. Thank you so much for sharing them with us. I wasn't able to look at pictures of Jake & Lillie for the longest time. It still hurts, but it's different.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. My thoughts will continue to be with you.


----------



## *Laura*

Christa I hope soon the pictures bring smiles ...... how old is Thunder?


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## hubbub

Wonderful pictures  It's amazing to me that, you can see they carry the same facial expression for life.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all.

Laura, Thunder is 12 years old.


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## Sweet Girl

Oh, I love all your old photos. He was such a cutie - all through his life. I love the one of Thunder giving him kisses. How is Thunder doing? It's probably helpful to him to have Daschi for some support. 

I know it's still early days and you are still feeling more pain than anything else. Just know I am thinking of you. It will get a little easier as the days pass. You will never stop missing Toby, but he will always be in your heart.


----------



## cgriffin

Stephanie, thanks, Thunder is doing a lot better. I am sure having Dachsi around, helps him. Dachsi is also back to his young dog antics and bugs Thunder long enough for him to join into play.


----------



## cgriffin

A few more of my favorite pics, I have so many.... so many years of joy....

The first couple have the typical Toby smile, he never lost that smile..


The third picture was his first Christmas

the fifth picture his first birthday........


The last one, Toby loved laying on swings......


I don't know how to put captions between each picture.


----------



## Karen519

*Toby*

I just love all of your pictures of Toby!!
What a beautiful boy!


----------



## *Laura*

I love all your pictures of Toby too!! I hope you continue to share them with us and I hope it's helping your heart to mend (even if ever so slightly)


----------



## Brinkleythegolden

Goodness--he was just adorable. I love that golden smile....


----------



## Dallas Gold

I love your photos of Toby. His eyes are so engaging and his happiness is reflected in them.

Have you thought about making a photobook with your favorite photos?


----------



## hotel4dogs

thanks for sharing the photos, they are just wonderful!


----------



## Sweet Girl

Such great memories of your sweet boy. I love the photo of him in the swing - so sweet. Tesia would never have gotten up on something that swayed under her! I am impressed at his gutsiness!


----------



## cgriffin

I had the swing when he was still a baby and Toby would do anything to be with his mama, even if it meant getting on a swing. He ended up liking it up there  He was one funny dog!
He also loved laying on the recliner loveseat that did rock a bit when he was on it and the foot rest was not pulled out. I guess it was like a lullaby to him.

I still have his pillow on the loveseat, in position for him to lay on.........


----------



## Fella 77

Love all the pictures..they made me smile! He was a beautiful boy..


----------



## dborgers

I loved the pictures. Toby was a cute then very cute/handsome boy


----------



## KiwiD

Thank you for sharing pictures of Toby. Photos and videos are such precious momentos.


----------



## HolDaisy

Lovely photos. He had a very beautiful golden smile.


----------



## PrincessDi

This one is my favorite one! It looks like he's saying come on Mom, snuggle with me!! Toby was such a beautiful teddybear. I think Anne had a great idea about making a photo album, just for Toby.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you.

Yes, he was such a mama's boy, never far from my side. He was a big cuddler and licker.

I started printing out some pictures, framed one and have another frame that is more like a collage for 8 pictures, actually one big frame with 8 wooden frames inside, odd but cool looking. 

I have thousands of pictures of my Toby, it will take me a while to make print outs.

In a way, I liked the old days of photo albums.


----------



## Doug

"Always thinking about you and wishing for only good days, full of beautiful memories, no pain and only comfort and love."

Does this sound familiar? It sums up my feelings beautifully, please know that this is my continuous wish for you and your pups Christa


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you, Julie.
Yes, sounds familiar


----------



## dborgers

Just had a "I want to let Christa know we're thinking about her" thought pass through my mind.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you, Danny. I have been thinking about you guys as well.


----------



## cgriffin

My sweet Toby summer 2011. He loved his little pool. that day he was not as enthusiastic as usual, it was really hot out. Thunder and Dachsi had already fled inside


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## GoldenCamper

Awww love his bark, love the talkers  Think he was just missing a few sunfish or frogs  Tucker loved his kiddie pool. Taken just before his 13th birthday.


----------



## dborgers

Hi Christa

We're thinking of you today


----------



## swishywagga

Thinking of you, sending special hugs and thoughts over to you.


----------



## Brinkleythegolden

GoldenCamper said:


> Awww love his bark, love the talkers  Think he was just missing a few sunfish or frogs  Tucker loved his kiddie pool. Taken just before his 13th birthday.



That is the cutest thing I have ever seen! I love how Tucker kept taking the fish out of the pool!!


----------



## Brinkleythegolden

cgriffin said:


> My sweet Toby summer 2011. He loved his little pool. that day he was not as enthusiastic as usual, it was really hot out. Thunder and Dachsi had already fled inside
> 
> Toby, summer 2011 - YouTube
> 
> IM000321 - YouTube


I love it when they dig in the water like that! What a cutie he was!!


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you.

GoldenCamper, I laughed out loud when Tucker took the frog out of the bucket and put it back into the pool  Too cute


----------



## cgriffin

Three weeks today, I still can't believe that Toby is gone.
I worked outside all afternoon, Toby would have been by my side.
I miss my boy


----------



## swishywagga

Christa, I think of you often knowing how sad you are. Wishing I could do something to help you feel better. Sending huge hugs and comfort to you across the miles x


----------



## *Laura*

Christa, I think of you so often. I can't believe you've already had three weeks without your boy. ((Hugs))


----------



## Buddy's mom forever

Thinking of you all time, I know how much you miss your boy. No matter how much time passed by sadly we never stop missing them. Hugs.


----------



## Dallas Gold

I'm also thinking about you. Doing the things we used to do with our dogs is so hard, especially the first few times.


----------



## Sweet Girl

Sending you big hugs. It probably feels like you haven't seen Toby forever - and yet, you probably feel like it was just yesterday.  All the firsts are indeed not easy. I'm sorry. I wish I could take away some of the sadness.


----------



## GoldenCamper

cgriffin said:


> GoldenCamper, I laughed out loud when Tucker took the frog out of the bucket and put it back into the pool  Too cute


Glad we could bring you a smile


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you.

Yes, it seems like I have not seen Toby in forever and on the other hand it is fresh as if it was yesterday. Exactly.

I keep looking at his pictures and videos, I imagine him everywhere. I am immersing myself in his pictures and videos, because I so do not want the memories and the way he felt in my arms, the feel of his fur, the way he smelled, the way he talked/barked to fade like it did with my other Goldens. It is just an unbearable thought, but I know it will happen eventually..... I hate this.


----------



## dborgers

Christa,

As I've heard it said, our goldens take a piece of our hearts with them, and they leave a piece of theirs in ours. The love we have for them will never fade away because love is eternal. Something that's helping us is holding Ollie and Katie closer. We're with you in spirit.


----------



## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Thank you.
> 
> Yes, it seems like I have not seen Toby in forever and on the other hand it is fresh as if it was yesterday. Exactly.
> 
> I keep looking at his pictures and videos, I imagine him everywhere. I am immersing myself in his pictures and videos, because I so do not want the memories and the way he felt in my arms, the feel of his fur, the way he smelled, the way he talked/barked to fade like it did with my other Goldens. It is just an unbearable thought, but I know it will happen eventually..... I hate this.


I am at about 10 weeks since Tee died - I can still conjure her sweet smell. But the blanket on my bed that has her fur on it... it will never be cleaned. My sister gave it to me for Christmas, specially for Tesia to lie on, to give her comfort. I put it on my bed, and she loved it. At some point, it will be folded up, with the fur still woven into it, and put in a special place. It sadly does not smell like her, but it is one of the few things that still holds her fur. 

You will always remember. When you close your eyes, you will be able to smell him and remember how he felt. That will always be in your heart.


----------



## PrincessDi

Thinking of you and all that you're going through right now. It is such a sad and difficult journey. Thanks so much for sharing Toby with us and letting us get to know how special your boy was. His happy tail, reminds me so much of our boy Golda. Toby carried his tail so high out of happiness that it curled! Thinking of you at this hard and sad time!


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## cgriffin

I miss that cute sleepy Tobyface:


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> I miss that cute sleepy Tobyface:


That was the kind of face I called "sweet, mushy, sleepy face." Impossible not to kiss.


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## HolDaisy

cgriffin said:


> Yes, it seems like I have not seen Toby in forever and on the other hand it is fresh as if it was yesterday.


This is exactly what I said it felt like when we lost Daisy and it still is like that now, it's so strange. It's been such a long time since I last saw her but every single thing about her is still crystal clear.

Thinking of you still and know how much you miss your big cuddly Toby  it really is so hard without them. He was such a lovely boy, I'm so sorry for your loss!


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## dborgers

Christa,

The first couple weeks I sat around in shock looking at pictures and videos. I'm finding that taking Ollie and Katie out to do stuff is helping. A little bit of drive thru soft serve ice cream creates waggy tails 

We're here for you


----------



## cgriffin

This afternoon, it will be one month since I lost my baby. It feels like forever and at the same time as if it happened yesterday. I am playing his last day at home, his last minutes with us over and over again in my head. It still seems surreal to me, I am expecting to wake up from this nightmare..........


The pictures are of Toby in his favorite snoozing and lounging spot. He sat there like this on his last day at home, I took a picture of him then. I did not look at it till after his passing. Oh, he looked so tired and worn, it breaks my heart over and over again. I am not going to post that picture, I have not even shown it to my husband. 

Toby's blanket and pillow with his favorite toy are still in the same spot. I just cannot put it away.


I am still screaming on the inside..........


----------



## *Laura*

I'm so sad for you Christa. I love each and every picture of Toby that you share with us. Sending you a big hug.


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## Dallas Gold

Christa, I think this is the worst time after we lose them. It is still so fresh in our minds but we realize time is passing. Your thoughts mimic my grief with Barkley. It is so hard....sigh.... 

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


----------



## Sweet Girl

The one month day was so hard for me, and so I feel so sad for you because I know you are feeling much the same. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

I will say to you what so many have so kindly said to me: go at your own pace. Cry when you need to cry, grieve as long as you need to grieve. And only put away Toby's things when it is right for you. There is no right or wrong time. The towels I used to clean Tee's paws are still hanging at my front and back door. The blanket with her fur on it is still at the end of the bed. It will soon be three months. Her bowls are still out - her food bin is beside the bowls. Her basket of toys is still there, too. And all the cards people sent me, and all the photos I put in frames are still on my counter so I can see them every single day, many times a day. 

I am thinking about you today. I wish I could take some of the pain away from you. A couple of things that helped me were planning and producing memorials to Tesia. The first was to go through all my hundreds of photos, scan the old ones, get them all in one place, and then put together her life from the very first day I met her to her last day. It took days to get all the dates right and put them in the right order. But it was very therapeutic. I also wanted to do something with all the tennis balls that had ended up in my car and garage over the years. I thought there were about 50. So I went and gathered them all up and counted them. There were 115. I needed a big, beautiful basket for them, so I went to the store to find one. And now I have a big, silly basket of tennis balls in my living room. It makes me smile and think of Tee at the same time. 

I'm not at all saying to do what I do. I'm only telling you because I found it was good to have things to focus on that were about her. And now I have tributes to her that I treasure. When you're ready, maybe it will help you with some of your sadness, too. Either way, I understand where you are at. My heart goes out to you.


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## dborgers

Christa,

Our thoughts are with you today. 

Danny and Jane


----------



## Doug

cgriffin said:


> The pictures are of Toby in his favorite snoozing and lounging spot. He sat there like this on his last day at home, I took a picture of him then. I did not look at it till after his passing. Oh, he looked so tired and worn, it breaks my heart over and over again. I am not going to post that picture, I have not even shown it to my husband.


Oh what an adorable teddy bear 

This is the time when the shock starts to wear off and reality starts to creep in. A book I read describes it as the cling wrap starting to come off. Just when you think you can stand up again something random will bring on the tears.

I also have that 'worn' photo of my girl. It is important to keep because is it reminds us why she could not stay and how hard she fought to be with us. It is her time now to be with her with the angels who love her just as much as we do but now she also has the freedom to be happy and healthy and have her reward time for all of her hard work. She can run freely and have the divine understanding and wisdom that we are not granted with here on earth. I cannot deny her of this. This faith is the only thing that keeps me grounded.

We still think and talk about her everyday. She is still very much alive in me now. I imagine this is very much the same for you.

It ain't easy but at least we still have the memories and the loving cheerful lessons that they taught us. Remember they hated to see us sad. We have to remember that they wish us nothing but healing, love and happiness as they always have.


----------



## murphy1

I'm jumping in at the end of the post's but I have a very arthritic knee after arthroscopic surgery seven years ago. I was advised to take ginger and tumeric as natural antiinflamatory's. I've been doing it for about three months and they've made a tremendous difference. Swelling is down (and it was VERY swollen for years) and the pain has gotten so much better. I will say after loosing my dog in April of 12' I stopped walking and started up after Murphy got older and excersize makes a big difference too. Maybe dogs can use both ginger and tumeric too. A thought...good luck!


----------



## cgriffin

Murphy1, thanks for your input. 
Toby's arthritis issues turned from arthritis to hemangiosarcoma and losing him.


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## swishywagga

I maybe in another country, but you are always in my thoughts. It must be so hard for you. Toby was such a handsome boy, the pictures are just beautiful. Hugs!


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## cgriffin

Thank you.

I was just looking at pictures when my youngest sister and her son where visiting last summer. I came upon this picture and it made me smile.
My husband had given my nephew a new guitar and Toby was so interested and curious as you can see in the picture. Toby really was a 'curious George'.


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## hotel4dogs

sending you lots of hugs.
I still can't look at pictures of my Toby without crying, he's been gone since January 2012.


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## cgriffin

Thanks.
There is something about 'Tobys'.

I know, I smile - then I cry.


----------



## HolDaisy

Thinking of you. It's so difficult, the loss of a golden is almost unbearable  Toby was a very special boy indeed and thank you for sharing all your lovely photos of him.


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## murphy1

I'm so sorry.


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## cgriffin

It's my birthday today, don't much feel like celebrating. Toby was my birthday present 10 years ago. I actually picked him up May 2nd, 2003. One of the happiest days of my life. Hands down, best birthday present ever!
I just heard "You are always on my mind" by Willie Nelson. So true.......


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## dborgers

Aw, Christa. Toby would want you to celebrate both your life and his. It even stopped raining in honor of your birthday 

I'd like to wish you a Happy Birthday. You're 29 this year, right?


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## Doug

HAPPY birthday Christa!!!!!

While I understand the feeling of not wanting to celebrate this is exactly what Toby would want you to do. Today of all days is the time when you should give yourself permission to indulge in something that makes you feel awesomely good. 

Perhaps this will brighten you up a little??? (Just imagine them with fuzzier fur)


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## cgriffin

Thank you Danny and Julie.


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## murphy1

You'll be with Toby again,,,,,He'll be there waiting for you. Count on it!


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## Sweet Girl

Happy belated Birthday, Christa. I know it was a tough one. I hope you were able to find a little happiness and celebrate.


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## PrincessDi

I'm sorry that we missed your birthday! Hope you were able to celebrate some. Toby would want you to!


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## cgriffin

Thanks. Nothing to be sorry about, my B-day was also not listed. I was not in a celebratory mood.

Today is Toby's 'Gotcha' day. Ten years ago, we drove down to Atlanta and I picked Toby - he also picked me - and we drove back home. He was being such a good puppy on the way home, he slept most of the time. 
He was always so relaxed in the car, up until I had to take him to the vet so many times. He did not enjoy that anymore 

I miss him so..........


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## swishywagga

Thinking of you. Do you have any pictures from Toby's gotcha day? Would love to see them if you do! Hoping you have a better day, and can smile when you think of that special day when your handsome boy came into your life. Take care.


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## cgriffin

Thank you!

I posted these pictures before, but these were from his Gotcha day at the breeders and then one from the next day. I need to organize all my pictures, I still have so many of the early pictures on an external hard drive.


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## swishywagga

Christa, yes I remember the pictures!. He looks so cute, a big furry ball of love. Hoping your having a better day.


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## dborgers

Oh, Christa, Toby was such a cute little baby doll. I loved seeing the pictures of that little love muffin again. 

What's helped us is remembering what a long and happy life Andy had and spending extra time loving on and playing with Katie and Ollie. 

You gave Toby the very best life he could ever have dreamed of living. There isn't more you could have done. The thing that sucks about love and life is that none of us live forever. I wish dogs could live exactly as long as we do. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. They pack in a lifetime in a few short years. And for Toby's years, he had the most love and best care any boy could have hoped or dreamed of. I hope you can remind yourself of that, and that it brings you some measure of comfort. We continue to keep you in our thoughts.

Danny and Jane


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## *Laura*

Christa - Happy belated BD. (Sorry I missed it the other day). Toby was the very best BD present. ....oh that puppy face. He was such a cutey Take care


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## cgriffin

Thanks, Laura, I did not really want to remember that it was my birthday. 

It took us over 6 hours to get to Atlanta that day and on the way back, we got stuck in Atlanta during evening rush hour. So the trip home was even longer. We had already spent about three hours at the breeder's. 
Toby was such a trooper. While we were not moving, I put him in my lap and he stuck his face in front of the air conditioner, it was so cute. People in the car next to us kept watching him


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## *Laura*

Aw what lovely sweet memories you have. I can picture him doing that.


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## Sweet Girl

He was such a sweet puppy face. It is amazing - the puppy photo of him beside his dish - he looks so much like his grown up self. It's rare you can see the grown up face in a puppy - never mind the sweet white face - but wow - he looked like himself even as a baby.


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## Buddy's mom forever

Happy Belated Birthday from Charlie and me. I know how you feel. My birthday is coming soon, so does 2 years of Buddy's leaving. He was sick at that time and on my birthday was the last time he joined me to have a nap next to my bed. So much time passed by and I still cant talk about him without tears. Like you said I am still screaming on the inside. Hugs.


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## hubbub

I'm glad to have caught back up with Toby's thread and have enjoyed the stories and pictures you've shared. Toby was truly an old soul and the two of you were completely in tune with each other.


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## HolDaisy

Sweet Girl said:


> He was such a sweet puppy face. It is amazing - the puppy photo of him beside his dish - he looks so much like his grown up self. It's rare you can see the grown up face in a puppy - never mind the sweet white face - but wow - he looked like himself even as a baby.


That's exactly what I thought! He looks so grown up, you can tell it's sweet Toby even then, such a wise little face. Thinking of you and know how much you miss your beautiful boy. The photos from his gotcha day are precious.


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## Dallas Gold

I am sorry I missed your birthday. I understand exactly what you are feeling. Barkley and I shared the same birthdate and he died exactly one month short of his 13th birthday. That day was full of reflection and sadness, with subdued celebrations for me. I just did not feel celebratory. I enjoy seeing Toby in his younger days.

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## cgriffin

Thanks.
I just ache for him so much. I think of him every minute of every day and it hurts so bad that I can't breathe at times.
I think most of you understand what I am feeling. I just can't let go, it hurts and .........I am so ANGRY....


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## Dallas Gold

(((hugs)))


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## dborgers

Hey, Christa. Just letting you know we're thinking about you


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## cgriffin

Toby was quite the actor and had sense of humor, funniest dog ever 
When he was a puppy, he often sat on the couch next to me and was clowning around. One time, I was reading a magazine and Toby felt left out. Before I knew it, he threw himself across my lap to get my attention. He would back up to me and then just topple over across my lap. It was so funny! He still did that till a week before he died.

He also decided one day, as a wee pup, when sitting next to me on the couch, to just throw himself off the couch just for the heck of it. I caught him, so, he made it his mission to keep throwing himself off the couch, because he knew, I would catch him. 
Well, one time, he was on the couch by himself and I was not there to catch him. He was not hurt and was having fun. He did the same later when he was a bit older on my bed, he threw himself off the bed backwards and I was not there to catch him. Luckily, the dog bed was in front of the bed and he had a soft landing. He lay there, feet up in the air and having so much fun, he was rolling around. He sure was funny.
I was talking to the breeder one time and she said that Toby's biological mom and his sister, both did the same thing. How odd!

Another time, when he was a pup, we just had him a few weeks, we were in the yard. Toby just out of the blue, let himself plop down in the grass out of a full standing position, looked like a bag of potatoes falling down. I laughed out loud, and Toby had so much fun, he did it again - standing- head down and plop. I laughed even harder and the little stinker did it about four more times. We were all laughing, we had friends over and they were entertained as well 
He threw himself over like that also up to a few days before he died. 

The picture is of him, sitting on the couch in his "I am so sad" pose. One day, he decided to sit on the couch and was staring at me and I said: "Toby, what is wrong?" He dramatically threw his head against the backrest and gave me his saddest look. I asked: Is Toby sad? And his head went further and further, sliding down the backrest, lol, and then he threw himself upside down on the couch and rolled around like: Fooled you, Mom, I am not sad.

So, every time, he was sitting on the couch and I would ask: Is Toby sad? He would go into his dramatic pose. He was entertaining family and friends alike with that. He was such an actor 

In the weeks before his death, he was sitting or laying more often on the loveseat. Still the day before we had to say goodbye, he was sitting on the love seat giving he his sad look, but I think that time he was really sad  
I miss him so much.... I miss his 'funny bone'.....


----------



## swishywagga

Christa, thank you so much for sharing all the stories about Toby. He certainly was a real character and what a wonderful life you gave him. Hugs!


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## dborgers

Lovely stories, Christa. Love Toby's funny bone


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## Karen519

*Christa*

I love all of your pictures of Toby and I know how much you miss him!


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## Sweet Girl

He sounded SO funny! Anyone who says that dogs don't think - don't understand humans and human emotions? Are crazy. He clearly knew he was making you laugh. Totally adorable. Thank you for telling us about it.


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## cgriffin

I agree, Toby knew exactly what he was doing. He was very smart and very funny  and oh so lovable!!!

When he threw himself off the couch or bed, he actually laid down on his side, back facing the front of the couch, feet against the backrest and he was slowly pushing himself towards the edge to topple off the couch. I had to catch him and he loved it. Of course, like I said, a few times he did it when I was not there and he fell off. 
He continued this his entire life. When he got bigger and too big for me to catch him, I would say: You know Toby, you are too heavy for mama to catch you, you are gonna fall. So, he would start to tease me and push close to the edge, I had to stand in front of him then, to prevent any accidental falling off, just in case he pushed too far 

Oh, I miss his shenanigans. More stories to follow.....


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## Brinkleythegolden

How cute! What a character he was!


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## dborgers

That's just so cute, Christa


----------



## cgriffin

Oh, gosh, all those memories.... they make me smile, but man, now I am a sobbing mess.
I have lost three golden babies so far, the loss of Toby is by far the hardest to bear...


----------



## Buddy's mom forever

cgriffin said:


> Oh, gosh, all those memories.... they make me smile, but man, now I am a sobbing mess.
> I have lost three golden babies so far, the loss of Toby is by far the hardest to bear...


I know you loved them all, but Toby was your heart dog.

I posted this once in *Rainbow Bridge Section – Club of Broken Hearts *thread:

http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com...nbow-bridge-section-club-broken-hearts-3.html



Buddy's mom forever said:


> There was the thread recently about what gender was your "heart dog" and somebody asked _What is meant when you say "heart dog"?._
> 
> *That is the one who knows your heart and your soul better than anyone else,* better than your parents, your children, your partner, your human friends. The one who knows all your secrets you have never said loud. The one who wags the tail and voice happy cry to see you back after 5 minutes you were gone. *The one whose loss you mourn for months, even when you remember funny stories you cry through your laughter at those memories. The one who stole your heart and kept forever*.


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## cgriffin

Thank you, that is so true! 
It is spot on, something that cannot be said out loud around loved ones, they don't understand....


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## HolDaisy

Thank you for sharing those lovely memories of Toby. It sounds like he was such a little character and gave you lots of laughs over the years.


----------



## cgriffin

This morning, I left the screen door into the yard open for Thunder and Dachsi to go in and out. Toby would usually get on the front porch and lay down with the snout resting between the railing and watch the world. 
I walked into the bathroom and I had a bird fly at me, I guess I startled it as much as it startled me. It was a wren. It flew out of the bathroom into the computer room and flew against the blinds at the window. I walked to the window, the wren settled on a book case and I opened the window and swoosh, the wren flew past me out the window. For a bird in the house, it sure was not all panicky. Odd.
I was thinking, what would Toby have done? He would have followed me, watched the wren with that curious full of wonder sweet Toby look that said: What is it mom? 
He was such a gentle soul, could not hurt a fly. Once, I was in the yard and Toby was with me, of course. I saw him off to the side looking at something in the grass and then his right front paw came up and the was touching something ever so gently on the ground. I walked over and it was an American gold finch. Toby was so cute looking and touching him again with the look: What is it mom? I told Toby: 'oh Toby found a birdie, it is a bird Toby'. He knew the word bird or birdy and would immediately look up into the air. 

When I would go to the bird feeders, he was on a mission, he would hightail out of the gate to the feeders and sniff around. That was his and my special time, checking the bird feeders. Then again, my shadow babe followed me everywhere. I would say: Let's check the pool, or let's go to the orchard. Toby was right there where Thunder was staying in the yard, not interested.

Toby especially loved barking at crows or at the turkey vultures gathering in trees at times. He would immediately spot them and bark till they left. He would spot anything amiss in the yard or on the property, I have never seen anything like it. 
One morning, a storm hat blown over a tree in the upper field. I did not notice at first, but Toby ran out into the yard and started barking and then I saw the tree further up laying down. That was quite a distance away. Wow, Toby never seized to amaze me.

He was so gentle with everything not only that birdie in the grass. He liked watching 'piggyvision'. That is what I called it when I had my guinea pigs in an enclosure getting some exercise time, while I was cleaning the cage. Toby loved watching them play and they were not afraid of him. I could pick up a piggy and hold it out to Toby or put it in front of him and he would peek at the piggy, then look away, then peek again and sniff it. Oh, he was so precious!!!
I miss him so! Oh, the tears are coming again......

Here is a picture of him watching 'piggyvision'"


----------



## swishywagga

Christa, the stories about Toby are just wonderful, and so nice of you to share them with us all. What a cutie pie, the picture says it all, what a curious handsome guy!


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## murphy1

Maybe that Wren was Toby letting you know he's OK. Yes, some of you will think I'm crazy,,,,,,but stranger things have happened.


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## *Laura*

Aw Toby was such a character and such a sweetie. Thanks for sharing his stories


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## HolDaisy

Such a sweet and gentle boy. I just love hearing your stories of him  Daisy was very gentle aswell, she used to watch ladybirds and bugs and never tried to chase or eat them. 
I hope that her and Toby have met at the bridge and have become wonderful buddies.


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## Sweet Girl

I'm so glad you're telling us these stories about Toby. He does sound like he was such a sweet, gentle boy. But a mischievous one, too! I feel like I am getting to know him through your memories of him. It does get easier with time to think about the good times. I didn't think it would. It seemed impossible. But it really does. I hope it does for you, too.


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## dborgers

I'm really enjoying the Toby stories. Please keep them coming 

Like Sweet Girl said, it does get easier with time. Especially reliving all the wonderful memories.


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## cgriffin

Thunder and Dachsi were trying to cheer me up the other day.
They are back to their normal selfs, Thunder is getting more clingy. They have got to be wondering what happened to Toby, why he did not come back.
That makes me so sad, I wish I could explain to them. 
I am still having a hard time coming to terms with the last half an hour we spent with Toby and having to let go....... 
I know, he was dying but I so wish that we could have brought him home, he wanted to come home so bad..... I feel like I failed him 

Here is Thunder and Dachsi's video:
Spring fun, Thunder 12 years old, Dachsi 3 years old - YouTube


----------



## Doug

Christa this whole situation was taken out of your hands. As humans we fight to always be in control. The truth is that we are not. You did not make Toby sick nor could you control where he was at the time he was set free. Toby knows this and understands.

Could it be you think that he would have been more comfortable if he made it home? After seeing Tia so uncomfortable and under great stress even at home I don't think that Toby being home would have helped the situation. It gets to a point where the soul needs to be released no matter where you are. I'm sure the vets would have let you take him home if it was possible. 

I had a foolish idea that dogs with hermangio just drift off to sleep when it is their time. The kind people here gently informed me that leaving it too late could lead to distress of serious nightmare proportions with breathing difficulties and collapse. If she was happy then let her be happy and do not leave it too late was the advice I was given. Toby was not happy and you did not leave it too late. You did the most loving thing you could have. Why is it that the right thing to do is often the hardest?

I feel for you as you did not get much notice but I must tell you that the three months we knew was mental torture for us. Sometimes I think it would be best not to know. 

Toby is able to do so many more things now than ever before. He is free from his arthritis and is running with Tia, Andy and your other goldens. He is happy and desperately wishes that you were too. Good luck with your healing journey Christa. Give yourself permission to heal. It ain't easy but we just need to take it one day at a time. 

Special hugs to Thunder and Dashi. Thunder looks as though he would be a great listener I am glad that he has been there for you. Enjoy them both to the fullest


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## cgriffin

Thank you for your wise words, Julie.
In my brain, I know it was the best for Toby, my heart tells a different story. The heart is what is causing the doubts, the one that does not want to let go.
But you know how it is, and you are right, the right thing to do is always the hardest.

This was the first time, I (we), had to make the decision to let go. And yes, it was all so fast, no time to prepare.
He was so happy with us in the room and looking up at us with those big, beautiful eyes saying: Can we go home now? I think I stated before, he threw us for a loop because he was so perky and waggy. 
My husband said that he will never forget those hopeful brown eyes looking up at him waiting to be taken home and then see disappointment in those eyes when realizing, we could not. I think that is one of the most difficult things for both of us to process and get over. I think that is something that will haunt both of us for the rest of our lives. That is what I meant with letting Toby down. I know, it seems irrational, but grief is a powerful thing and the heart is aching and longing. 

Thank you again, it does help getting advise, kind words, and understanding from caring people that have been there. 
I often think of your sweet Tia. 

Hugs will be delivered to Thunder and Dachsi, thanks. Also hugs to Hudson from me and a 'woof' from Thunder and Dachsi.


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## cgriffin

I don't know if the first link for the video worked, I just tried and it did not open. 
I am reposting the link, the two goof balls tried their darndest to make me laugh:

Spring fun, Thunder 12 years old, Dachsi 3 years old - YouTube


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## dborgers

I LOVED the video of Thunder and Daschi!  They know how to have fun!  And Thunder's' so gentle with Daschi. How cute. I smiled and smiled watching it. Thanks!



> I am still having a hard time coming to terms with the last half an hour we spent with Toby and having to let go.......
> 
> This was the first time, I (we), had to make the decision to let go. And yes, it was all so fast, no time to prepare.


The trauma is difficult to get over, but not insurmountable. I"ve had to make the decision three times: Two for goldens (including Andy), and once for my sister, who battled cancer for 8 years and was on life support when I arrived at her bedside in the ICU. 

IMO, the trauma is the hardest to get over. Everything loses perspective because of trauma.

It's taken a few years to get over those final few minutes and put everything in perspective, remembering her total life and the fact she got 8 extra years after her cancer diagnosis.

Trauma like you experienced is PTSD. For some reason our brains are wired to keep it in the front of our memories. Something we have to fight and fight and fight to get through by making a point to remember things about their lives before those moments of trauma.

Also, reading a dog's thoughts in human terms isn't necessarily what they're thinking. Toby was excited to see you. He was happy wherever you are. And you were there with him. As sick as Toby was, I doubt if you'd have made it home. The ride or trauma you'd have experienced at home might have a much worse outcome than what you experienced in the hospital. That could have led to much more second guessing than his being in a hospital setting. Which was the best place for Toby to be as seriously ill as he was. 

Talking about trauma is good medicine. Remembering the totality of their entire lives is what helped me the most in the end.

We're here for you, Christa


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## *Laura*

Christa what Danny just said is so true. It's so easy to second guess our last moments with our puppies and so difficult to say good bye. I think the alternative to Toby's last moment, if you had taken him home, would have been far worse for you. Because you loved Toby so much you gave him the ultimate gift that we can give them ...to set them free from their pain and pass peacefully. You were with him. That's what Toby knew. Hugs to you (loved your video of Thunder and Daschi. I love when big dogs make themselves smaller to play with the little ones. They are both adorable)


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## Doug

cgriffin said:


> Thank you for your wise words, Julie.
> In my brain, I know it was the best for Toby, my heart tells a different story. The heart is what is causing the doubts, the one that does not want to let go.
> But you know how it is, and you are right, the right thing to do is always the hardest.
> 
> Hugs will be delivered to Thunder and Dachsi, thanks. Also hugs to Hudson from me and a 'woof' from Thunder and Dachsi.


I felt this way with my cat who died of lymphoma. The experience left me cold and stunned. At the time I knew that Tia was getting older and one day it would be her turn. I knew that I would be severely heart broken. I made the effort to do as much reading about the after life and being the boss of my own thoughts as I could in preparation. I braced myself for the shock. I guess this is what helped me a little. I like the way one lady phrased it "We unfortunately delivered a still born pup this morning, *must have an important job in another place* over the Rainbow Bridge!" That's exactly how I feel.

However nothing can prepare you for when it hits in reality. Some how I just know that she is ok yet still with me guarding over me as always when I need her. Just as I am content in knowing that Hudson is with my hubby right now and they are ok even though I cannot physically see them.

The image of a little girl with her guardian dog found me again which gives me comfort.
Kwhit's message no 15 
http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com...123496-poems-thoughts-give-you-comfort-2.html
Your words often remind me of this picture and how I wish that you really believed that Toby can hear you and wishes to be heard back.

I told Hudson about your message. He surprised me and gave me a big sloppy kiss right across my chops! I think that it was meant for you! 
Later when hubby read your kind message hubby relayed the 'woofs' he also had his faced licked off. So your hugs and woofs were very much appreciated 

I am so glad that you have Dashi and Thunder to make you laugh 
Keep up the good work you two!


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## cgriffin

Thank you Danny, and thank you Laura. 

Thank you, Julie. Hudson's sloppy kisses made me smile, thank him from me, please.

I read some of the poems, saw the picture of the little girl and the poem with it - it made me cry.

I do talk to Toby and I always say: I hope you can hear me and that your are with me. Mama loves you and misses you so much. 

Every day during the week, the boys have their quiet time, where all lay around and sleep, it is usually between noon and 2 in the afternoon. Whenever I have the time, I lay down for a bit on the couch. When Toby was alive, he would lay on the loveseat on his pillow, I would be on the couch and I had a straight shot at him when I opened my eyes. I always hurt a thump when he got off the loveseat, because it is a reclining loveseat and it tilts slightly forward when getting off. Today, I rested a bit and I heard a 'thump' and I automatically opened my eyes and expected to see Toby leaving the room to lay in the hallway, like he always did. I had to remind myself that Toby was not here anymore, but is sounded so real, I do think maybe he was here with me.

Toby had his routine, he would get off the loveseat, go to the hallway and lay against the wall. When he woke up again, he would lay on his side, all legs stretched out and digging with his front feet at the floor, while rooh-ing and carrying on, too cute. He would then flip upside down and kick up a storm and also rest his legs against the wall and scratch the wall while kicking some more. It was too funny, not for the wallpaper though 

Several times now, when I had time and rested for a bit, I came awake with a start because I thought I heard Toby's scratching and digging at the floor while waking up just like the 'thump' today. 
That gives me comfort.

I have to admit, these days I actively try to seek out a nap, just to see if I can hear Toby again. At times, it does not work, and I don't hear him, but I noticed these are the times I have so much on my mind, that I cannot fully relax. Regardless what it is, real or imagination, it truly gives me peace and joy. It feels and sounds real....


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> I do talk to Toby and I always say: I hope you can hear me and that your are with me. Mama loves you and misses you so much.
> 
> Every day during the week, the boys have their quiet time, where all lay around and sleep, it is usually between noon and 2 in the afternoon. Whenever I have the time, I lay down for a bit on the couch. When Toby was alive, he would lay on the loveseat on his pillow, I would be on the couch and I had a straight shot at him when I opened my eyes. I always hurt a thump when he got off the loveseat, because it is a reclining loveseat and it tilts slightly forward when getting off. Today, I rested a bit and I heard a 'thump' and I automatically opened my eyes and expected to see Toby leaving the room to lay in the hallway, like he always did. I had to remind myself that Toby was not here anymore, but is sounded so real, I do think maybe he was here with me.
> 
> Toby had his routine, he would get off the loveseat, go to the hallway and lay against the wall. When he woke up again, he would lay on his side, all legs stretched out and digging with his front feet at the floor, while rooh-ing and carrying on, too cute. He would then flip upside down and kick up a storm and also rest his legs against the wall and scratch the wall while kicking some more. It was too funny, not for the wallpaper though
> 
> Several times now, when I had time and rested for a bit, I came awake with a start because I thought I heard Toby's scratching and digging at the floor while waking up just like the 'thump' today.
> That gives me comfort.
> 
> I have to admit, these days I actively try to seek out a nap, just to see if I can hear Toby again. At times, it does not work, and I don't hear him, but I noticed these are the times I have so much on my mind, that I cannot fully relax. Regardless what it is, real or imagination, it truly gives me peace and joy. It feels and sounds real....


This all makes so much sense to me, Christa. I sometimes, as I am going to sleep, think about a specific thing I loved that Tesia did - and i hear the sounds in my mind, like the ones you hear. Sometimes, I hear them without thinking about it. Those sounds of their lives were part of our lives. I think they will always be with us. 

And I am quite sure he can hear you, and I know you will hear him, too. He'll send you some messages - some in words, some in pictures, some in feelings. 

I hope the pain is starting to ease a bit for you. You are lucky to have your two other funny boys. I love the video, too. They must help make you smile everyday.

Big hugs to you.


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## swishywagga

Thinking of you, sending golden hugs!


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## cgriffin

Thank you! You are very kind. 

No, it has not gotten easier. I think about Toby all the time and I miss him all the time.
I still get choked up and break out in tears, when talking about him. I still cry daily. 
I do have Thunder and Dachsi and they keep me going.
I know it takes time..... but I miss my Blondie so much.


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## cgriffin

It is so quiet in the house these days, even with two other dogs. Toby was always rooh-ing about one thing or another, always getting my attention, always the Velcro dog always the clown. 
I still can't get used to not seeing Toby shut the door to lay on the AC vent, to not wake up to him laying stretched out or upside down on the dog bed in front of my bed, to not have him wake me up in the morning with a toy stuck in his mouth, to get the lavish welcome every time I walked in the room, or when I got up in the morning. I got up and I sang to him and boy, did he love it.
I love my other dogs dearly, but it just is not the same. Toby was like sunshine on a beautiful summer day, he lit up my world and lifted my spirits.


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## swishywagga

Christa, my heart goes out to you, golden's bring such sunshine into our lives, they are a unique breed, all the same but different if you know what I mean. The things you say that Toby did that made you smile and gave you comfort we can all relate to. I really wish I was nearer to you right now, just to be there in person, to talk, to share all the things that were wonderful about Toby. I send very special hugs and wishes.


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you. You describe Toby's personality so beautifully, I would have loved to have met him, it sounds like he was such a sweet and funny boy. I know how much you miss him and how your home feels empty without him. Golden's leave such a huge gap when they have to go to the bridge and it's so painful. I hope that time will help you a little. Toby is safe at the bridge, pain-free and having the time of his life with all of our beloved goldies who are looking after him for you.


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## dborgers

Thinking of you, Christa


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## cgriffin

Thank you, all. 

We have a lot of deer out here and moms introduce their babies every summer. I have so many deer stories 
The deer are not afraid of my dogs and will often hang out right next to the fence or like this morning, jump into the fenced yard with the dogs present.
I walked out the door this morning after letting Thunder in the yard, and I noticed mom deer in the yard. Thunder just totally ignored her, he is such a good boy.
I hearded mom toward the fence to get her out again and she jumped into the orchard and then out of the orchard fence. She is highly pregnant and I did not want her in the yard with Dachsi coming out, he would have chased her. 

I remember when Toby was a pup and a fawn was walking with it's mom past the fence. Toby went up to the fence and him and the fawn were just staring at each other. I think they were trying to figure each other out. It was so cute. The fawn then started to tap and stomp his one front leg, they do that when threatened. Toby just kept staring at it, not trying to chase or anything. It was just so precious. My sweet boy could not hurt a fly. 
I have pictures over the years, were you can see the deer next to the fence with the boys. I will have to try to load them onto this computer.

I have one video, I took earlier this year, when two deer were outside the fence. Dachsi kept running along the fence barking, but the deer pretty much ignored him.
In the background, Toby was doing his usually rooh-ing, not pleased that mom was not paying attention to him while filming the deer. I will post this video, listen closely to the background noises and you can hear a low rumble rooh-ing that goes over into a whine at times. Toby threw in the whine when he really wanted attention,he acquired that whine after his surgeries and he knew it would bring mama to his side, fast,  He was such a smart butt 

Oh, listening to Toby in the background makes my heart ache ...


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## murphy1

I can say I know exactly how you feel. I lost Shamus on April 6th 2012. I cried every day for months, even when I had my new guy Murphy. I look at the picture of Shamus on my fireplace mantle and my heart always skips a beat. I know he's in heaven waiting for me. I know he'll jump and give me a big wet kiss when I see him again. People say it gets easier....it does. The tears will go from so many to just a few at a time. But the loss will always be there......and it's OK to feel the way we do. My heart goes out to you because I do know what you're going thru. Just remember he's standing there, young and healthy, waiting for you!


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## cgriffin

Thank you for your kind and wise words. 
In an earlier post where I was talking about the wren coming into the house, you mentioned maybe it was a sign from Toby. You know, I was thinking the same thing. I have had hummingbirds come into the house before, so it would not be so strange to have the wren come in - but in the back of my mind I wonder.....especially since that morning I asked Toby for a sign that he is still here.........


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## murphy1

You just have to believe!! I know I do. Two months before Shamus passed I played a certain CD over and over. There was a song I loved, when i was a teenager,that you never hear on the radio anymore. Shamus was always in the car with me, with his big head out the window. The day after I had to put him to sleep that song came on the radio. I had to pull to the side of the road and the tears flowed like rain. I knew it was him telling me he was OK. I'm crying now! Take care...you'll be ok.


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Thank you for your kind and wise words.
> In an earlier post where I was talking about the wren coming into the house, you mentioned maybe it was a sign from Toby. You know, I was thinking the same thing. I have had hummingbirds come into the house before, so it would not be so strange to have the wren come in - but in the back of my mind I wonder.....especially since that morning I asked Toby for a sign that he is still here.........


He is still with you. I have no doubt at all.


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## dborgers

I loved the video, Christa Heard Toby's rooing. How precious


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## cgriffin

Thank you all, thank you Danny.

If I had known that Toby would not be with us only weeks after making the video, I would have made sure that he was captured in that video doing his rooing and looking his cute self.


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## dborgers

cgriffin said:


> Thank you all, thank you Danny.
> 
> If I had known that Toby would not be with us only weeks after making the video, I would have made sure that he was captured in that video doing his rooing and looking his cute self.


You have video of that in your memory ... the most important place we can keep them


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## Doug

Hudson loved your sweet deer video LOL!


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## cgriffin

Julie, I am glad Hudson enjoyed himself 

Odd thing just happened, maybe it is wishful thinking, maybe something to it or I am losing it. 

I was walking Thunder and Dachsi (darn, I keep wanting to write Toby's name in with the others) and it was a drizzle in the air. I was intensely thinking about Toby and I was thinking about the video with his rooing in the background and the tears started to flow again. I looked up and a lightning bug flew past me. What are the odds of one single lightning bug in the drizzle? I waited another 5 minutes and I did not see another one. In fact, I have not seen any lighting bugs so far this season. 
Was it a greeting from Toby? I don't know but it reminded me of when he was a baby and he had his first lightning bug encounter. He tried to swallow it and it must have tasted horrible because he made a face and shook his head like 'ewwww'. It made me laugh then, it made me smile now. 
What are the odds? Was it a sign? I told Toby, if it was indeed a sign from him, thank you. ( I also told him before that if he sends me signs and I am too dense to realize it, please keep the signs coming, maybe make them a bit more obvious)


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## Buddy's mom forever

I've just read all your posts I missed, so many beautiful memories of sweet Toby. And signs, you are so blessed to get them. I know they bring tears and smiles at the same time. Today I was driving back home and the radio station played the song "I will remember you" by Sarah McLachlan, every single word went straight into my heart.

*I will remember you*

I will remember you, will you remember me? 
Don't let your life pass you by, 
Weep not for the memories 
Remember the good times that we had? 
I let them slip away from us when things got bad. 
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun 
Want to feel your warmth upon me 
I want to be the one ​ 
I'm so tired but I can't sleep 
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep 
*It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word *
*We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard *​ 
I'm so afraid to love you 
But more afraid to lose 
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose 
Once there was a darkness 
Deep and endless night 
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life ​


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## Doug

It is quite amazing that nothing like that happens usually but all of a sudden we start to see the signs that people talk about when they lose a loved one.

It is surreal and magical.

Tia's rose bloomed a single rose on mother's day.
We had an unusual dog park experience. 
http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com...nbow-bridge/169634-how-often-does-happen.html

Was it her or am I being sensitive in my fragile state?

It does not matter there is no need to doubt it as the message is the same. We are as close as we ever have been, our love is as strong as ever. I think of her often and smile. I am extremely proud to have known such a special girl who continues to amaze me and make my heart glow with sweet and special memories.

Take it in and give thanks for we are blessed.


I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining.
I believe in love, even when I don't feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.


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## cgriffin

Thank you!

Is there a limit to how many pictures I can post? 

Here are a few pictures taken last fall, when Dachsi was getting ready to attack Toby. It usually started with the stare on both sides and then the attack. Toby was always the gentle giant. He liked to lay there and swat Dachsi in the head with his paw, his invitation to play. 
The day before Toby died, the day we had to rush him back to the ER at night, Toby was outside enjoying the fresh air, laying on a comforter, me and Dachsi next to him. Toby started swatting Dachsi in the head, it was so cute, I wish I had taken a picture of it or made a video. Hindsight...........
I did not think I was going to lose Toby the next day.


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## Sweet Girl

Toby clearly had such a happy life with you and his dog pals. 

And, no. There is no limit to the number of pictures you can post. We love them all. :wavey:


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## Dallas Gold

I've been catching up. Thanks for sharing the video and I love the photos of your Toby. I've often posted about signs I've seen from my Bridge boys. In fact I had a long talk with Barkley before he passed and asked him to send me a sign he was ok. The very next morning as I was walking Toby with thunderstorms in the distance (Barkley was afraid of them) I was reflecting how he would never need to be scared again and I looked down and Toby had a brand new tennis ball in his mouth. I have no idea where he picked it up or how since he didn't leave my side during that walk. That was my first sign. He still sends balls for Toby to find, including our first walk together after we brought Yogi home and then again the first day Yogi joined us on a walk. Later the week Barkley passed two unique butterflies circled the favorite crepe myrtle tree my beau loved so much. Before I would only see on butterfly by the tree and I took it as a sign from Beau. Seeing two was a blessing. 

Now with Yogi I see glimpses of my Bridge boys with things he is doing that were previously unique to one of them, things Toby does not do. Driving home from tricks class tonight Yogi looked at me with his tongue hanging off the side of his mouth-- just like our Barkley did- I almost drove into the curb staring at him and remembering. He also ran and played in the water hose today just like our Beau used to do. These glimpses are so precious and bring back a flood of memories. Sufficient time has passed that they don't make me cry, but instead I get a feeling of peace and serenity....the Bridge boys gifts to me.


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## cgriffin

Thank you everybody, for your kind words and support, it means a lot.

I just took a nap, did not hear Toby......... I guess can't happen every time 

Today was the first time, I was able to tell somebody that Toby died without getting all choked up and breaking out in tears...... small steps....... but it does not make me miss him any less.


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## cgriffin

Here is another picture of Toby trying to look "oh so sad"  This was taken a a couple of weeks after his FHO, maybe he was really sad. But till the end, Toby sat like that on the loveseat and he always got a "Aww, poor Toby" from me, 

About the sad pose. About three years ago, we had friends over for a BBQ. We were in the living room talking and Toby felt left out. He got up on the couch, I was watching and I knew what he was up to, lol. He dramatically threw his head back against the couch in his sad pose. All conversation stopped, everybody looked at Toby and burst out laughing  One friend said: He is quite the actor, isn't he? Yep, that's my Toby. (was  )


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## dborgers

Aw, what a sweetheart


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## swishywagga

That is such a sweet photo, thank you for sharing. I really look forward to you posting all your memories and wonderful pictures of sweet Toby. Thinking of you, sending hugs across.


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## Sweet Girl

What a total character. I think I would have liked your sweet drama king.


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## *Laura*

Aw what a funny sweetheart ....and a very smart boy.


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## cgriffin

My little snoozer.

The night always brings more thoughts about Toby and how much I miss him. Especially when I go to bed, all comes flooding back, his last days, his last minutes. My sweet poor Toby, he should not have gotten sick, he should not have died.:no:


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## cgriffin

It has been a weird morning. Got up. No golden smiling face, toy in the mouth, thumping tail, waggily, wiggly butt, brightening my day. 
Thunder and Dachsi are different dogs, yes, they wag when I get up, want to be petted, but a golden good morning is so different. 
Toby used to wake me up all wiggly with a toy in his mouth, brightened my day instantly. He would run to the couch, jump on and start rolling around like a mad man, then run to his bed, roll around on the bed, roo-ing, then lay on his side and scratch and dig at the dog bed with gusto. I was always asking him if he was digging to China. 
After each meal, the same routine, running to the dog bed, digging to China, lol. It was too funny and sweet. Oh, how I miss that!

Today, 8 weeks ago, was the last day at home for Toby. He had been released the day prior from the E-vet/specialty clinic, not a definite diagnosis of hemangiosarcoma but we knew. He had a recheck exam scheduled for the following Wednesday with the hope that the fluid had not built back up around his heart. He was also to see a Ortho specialist to see what we could do for his arthritis. Sighh………
I had errands to run that morning, it was gloomy and heavily raining. Hubby had the day off, so I left Toby in his care. Had I know this would be Toby’s last day with us, I would not have left. I had to go to both vet offices and pick up files to take with me to Nashville and also give my vet the report from the E-vet. I also told the one clinic pretty much, to credit me for the laser therapy session, that I paid for and Toby won’t get. And I told them I would not be back. I feel like they let Toby and me down….. 
I called home a couple of times while on the road, Toby was sleeping, laying next to the computer. Had I known that we would have to rush him to the E-vet that night, I would not have left. 

I came home, Toby all happy, he was feeling good. He even got back up on the loveseat and took a nap on his pillow, then after a while, he got down and slept upside down pushed against the bottom of the loveseat. 
Once the rain stopped later in the afternoon, I went out to the yard with the boys, Toby getting comfy on a big comforter, me sitting beside him, Dachsi as well. Toby pawed Dachsi’s head, trying to get him to play. All was good…..
Later that evening, Toby started with the labored breathing again, and he was heaving his tummy like in pain. The boys were gathered around him, Dachsi was whining. I told my hubby that we have to take Toby to the E-vet and we did……………you all know the rest…………. We had to say goodbye the next day.
I really did not think that this day, Friday March 29, was the last day at home for Toby………. It was also the day that Danny and Jane had to say goodbye to Andy.
So much pain and grief that week, that entire year so far…. So many souls lost……….


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## dborgers

Christa, we're with you in spirit. Toby was comfortable and happy while you were running errands. He was comfortable and happy his entire life with you. I hope you'll be able to set the regrets aside. You had no way of knowing.

You enabled him to have thousands and thousands of happy, fun, healthy days. Few people on Earth would go to the lengths you did to ensure that. Toby was a very lucky boy to have been adopted by _you_. You were a wonderful mom to him, and he didn't miss a thing in life thanks to you. Remember the good times. Weren't they 99.9999999999999% of every moment Toby lived on Earth?


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## cgriffin

Thank you for your kind words, Danny.


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## Doug

Yes, so many souls lost and dearly missed:'(
... but so many that were set free from pain and are now able to run free and watch over us as one wise lady reminded me. (wink) 

I feel for you Christa as you were taken by surprise and things were out of your control. It is understandable that you have much healing to do as we all do, this takes time. We have no choice to turn our faces to the sun or our grieving wandering thoughts can eat us up.

When my cat was dying I made the decision to leave the house, I knew that my emotional state would only make his situation worse. With Tia we also tried to keep things as normal as possible on her last day as not not upset her even further. It was probably for the best that you did not know. You were protected from the intense emotional suffering it brings.

There was a reason why thing unfolded the way they did. We are not supposed to know what is about to happen in life otherwise it would be too painful, just as in the same way we are not supposed to know about the afterlife otherwise we would all take a short cut and be there in a flash.

Golden's Girl sent me this feel good link in my hour of need. I hope it gives you some comfort too. The Last Will and Testament of Silverdene Emblem O'Neill

"_I ask my Master and Mistress to remember me always, but not to grieve for me too long. In my life I have tried to be a comfort to them in time of sorrow, and a reason for added joy in their happiness. It is painful for me to think that even in death I should cause them pain. Let them remember that while no dog has ever had a happier life _(and this I owe to their love and care for me)"

"It will be sorrow to leave them, but not a sorrow to die. Dogs do not fear death as men do. We accept it as part of life, not as something alien and terrible which destroys life. What may come after death, who knows? "

"there is a Paradise where one is always young and full-bladdered; where all the day one dillies and dallies with an amorous multitude of houris, beautifully spotted; where jack rabbits that run fast but not too fast (like the houris) are as the sands of the desert; where each blissful hour is mealtime; where in long evenings there are a million fireplaces with logs forever burning, and one curls oneself up and blinks into the flames and nods and dreams, remembering the old brave days on earth, and the love of one's Master and Mistress."

"with happiness in your hearts at the remembrance of my long happy life with you: "Here lies one who loved us and whom we loved." No matter how deep my sleep I shall hear you, and not all the power of death can keep my spirit from wagging a grateful tail."


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## cgriffin

Thank you, Julie.


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> My little snoozer.
> 
> The night always brings more thoughts about Toby and how much I miss him. Especially when I go to bed, all comes flooding back, his last days, his last minutes. My sweet poor Toby, he should not have gotten sick, he should not have died.:no:


Oh, those pictures made _me_ teary.  So, so sweet.

Try not to be too hard on yourself thinking about that last day. There was no way for you to have known, and as you said, if you HAD known, you wouldn't have gone out. Because you loved him more than anything and you made sure he knew that every day of his life. I know it is hard right now. But you were with him when it mattered most - and he knew you were there.


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## cgriffin

Thank you, Stephanie.


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## *Laura*

Big hugs to you Christa - Toby had such a wonderful life with you and he would only want to see a smile on your face. Try not to dwell on his last days. I know it's hard because I do it too and the kind words on this thread have actually really helped me to deal with my last two days with both my Maddie and Echo....so I hope you are comforted too even if it's just a tiny bit every day


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## cgriffin

Thank you, Laura.

8 weeks today, still feels surreal..........


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## swishywagga

Christa, thinking of you, sending huge comforting hugs, special wishes and thoughts across the miles.


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## cgriffin

Thank you, hugs to your Barnaby.


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## cgriffin

Oh, quiet weekend, working in the yard, missing my Toby something fierce.


----------



## cgriffin

A little video I made in early 2011, I was trying to show family a bit of scenery. Of course, Toby was on it, Thunder and Dachsi are briefly shown playing in the shade of the tree.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=uXeVNUa6Y_c


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## cgriffin

Been working outside to stay busy and because I have to, lots of work this time of the year, but my thoughts are always with Toby. I know he would have been right by my side. 
I miss that golden smile, golden enthusiasm and joy in life, the cuddle sessions, funny antics and sloppy Toby kisses.....sigh.....


----------



## *Laura*

Aw...he's not by your side but he's in your heart forever....and in ours Big hug to you


----------



## dborgers

We're with you in spirit, Christa. I hope Toby's memory is making you smile too. He was a happy boy on Earth and no doubt wants you to be happy too. Hopefully, the passing of time will help you to smile more than cry when you think of him.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you!

We have been having a visitor at the bird feeders. He is not too afraid of Thunder and Dachsi, since they are watching from behind the fence 
He/she showed up last year at this time also. Toby would run to the fence, bark and then watch, lol. Maybe they are having their young now and that is why they come to feed. 

I put the bird feeders away now, it is getting too expensive, especially since the squirrels, raccoons, chipmunks and possums eat more than the birds. 
I think they all can manage now for the summer.


----------



## cgriffin

Toby is always on my mind. I went through some old pictures and found more puppy pics. I also found a couple of pics of his uncle Sam, which was the golden I had before Toby. I will post them soon as well.


----------



## cgriffin

I am still trying to find his adulthood pics where he was sleeping with a toy in his mouth and some other funny antics.
I loved all his life stages, but I want to remember him the way he looked the last few years, does that make sense?

It is so odd that I can post all my pics and share stories here on the forum, when I cannot really do it on facebook with family. They just don't understand......

I feel like I am just going through the motions of living, because it is expected of me. I have not moved on, I cannot.....not yet.......
Oh, I miss my boy


----------



## swishywagga

Christa, the pictures of Toby are so beautiful. I totally understand what you say about posting them here on the forum, everyone is just so kind and understanding, and I know, like me, just loves sharing all your wonderful memories of Toby. Thank you so much for letting us all enjoy them, you are not alone we all care so much even though we maybe far away.


----------



## dborgers

Christa, those pictures are heartwarming. I so enjoyed seeing Toby as a little love muffin  BTW, I'll be that raccoon had babies and needs to eat. Kind of you to let her.


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## cgriffin

Thank you.

I have not seen the raccoon mom in a few days, but I had removed the feeders. I broke down and went out and got some more bird seed yesterday, I missed the birds hanging out around the house. Maybe momma **** will be back. 
Toby loved bird watching


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## cgriffin

9 weeks.....sigh.........

This is a picture that was taken about a month before Toby passed. We were out in the yard just chillin. The sun was in Toby's eyes, that is why the pinched shut eyes. I also think his eyes were getting very sensitive to bright sunlight and I was going to ask the vet about it.....forgot at his next check up and ..... then I never got the chance. 
Toby was doing his usual rooh-ing outside, wanting mom's attention all to himself, my mama's boy 

My poor baby  I have been having a rough time.......... I probably am getting on everybody's nerves by now.


----------



## *Laura*

You absolutely are not getting on anyone's nerves so don't think that for a second. We just feel bad that you're having such a difficult time. I love Toby's picture. He was such a beautiful boy


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## Sweet Girl

You are absolutely not getting on anyone's nerves. It is a huge loss, and sadly, too many of us know the sadness you are feeling. Grieving is a long process. I love seeing your old photos. I found looking at Tesia's pictures helped me so much when I was first grieving. And I still have all the framed pictures out on my counter where I put them the day she died - I get to look at them several times every day. And I confess, there is still a little part of me that can't believe she is gone. It will be four months on Wednesday since she died.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you, both!

I still have Toby's pillow and his favorite toy on the loveseat in his favorite spot. His bowls are still out, his toys. I have not been able to move anything, avoiding vacuuming the loveseat or couch, not wanting to remove the last blond Toby fur.

I also cannot believe he is gone, Stephanie. Thinking of both our babies right now.


----------



## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Thank you, both!
> 
> I still have Toby's pillow and his favorite toy on the loveseat in his favorite spot. His bowls are still out, his toys. I have not been able to move anything, avoiding vacuuming the loveseat or couch, not wanting to remove the last blond Toby fur.
> 
> I also cannot believe he is gone, Stephanie. Thinking of both our babies right now.


I can so understand this. I only just washed the towels that were hanging by the door since February - and only because my friend was coming to stay and I was self conscious about the fact that I still had her dirty paw towels hanging at both doors. It was hard. I felt they held a bit of her. 

And her toy basket is still in its place, and not only are her bowls out, I haven't let the water dish go empty. It took me months to wash the duvet cover - and the blanket folded at the end of my bed that has fur interwoven in it will never be washed. When the sun hits it, I can see all her fur, and I want it to stay where she loved sleeping most. At least for now. 

Take your time. There are no rules around when you need to put things away. Maybe you never will. Thinking of you and Toby, too.


----------



## swishywagga

Christa, there is no way you are getting on anyone's nerves! I just like all the others love looking at all the pictures of Toby, keep posting them, they are so precious.


----------



## cgriffin

When I was opening the blinds this morning, I noticed all the dog nose prints on the windows, some of them are Toby's, especially the ones in the computer room. 
I cannot bring myself to clean the windows and remove all traces of Toby.

When returning from errands, the first thing I always saw was Toby's sweet face in the window of the computer room. That was his favorite lookout spot to wait for Mama.
Thunder and Dachsi are mostly looking out the bay windows in the kitchen. 

I can just picture Toby now, standing at the window, waiting for mom, ..........and the tears are flowing again........oh I miss Toby so much... it just kills me.


----------



## *Laura*

Hugs to you Christa


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## HolDaisy

You're not getting on anyones nerves at all as we all understand how you're feeling right now  it really is so horrible losing a golden best friend. Sweetgirl is right...there is no set time for you to have to move Toby's things. It took us absolutely aggggges to move anything of Daisy's away and even then we kept every single thing - blankets, toys, vet stuff, brushes and put them all away safe in a box. Sending you lots of hugs as I know how special lovely Toby was to you. He looks like such a sweet and gentle boy in the photo of him chilling out in the yard.


----------



## murphy1

Keep talking about Toby if it makes you feel better,,,,we're all listening! He was a handsome old man just like my Casey was back in 2003. We'll see them again for sure.


----------



## Dallas Gold

I understand your pain in seeing these little reminders of Toby everywhere in your house. I didn't wash Barkley's nose marks from the front storm door for months. HUGS Christa...


----------



## cgriffin

My sweet baby on his last day at home, the day before he passed. He was so tired and I helped him up on his favorite snoozing spot. 
Gosh, I love that dog and I always will :--sad::bawling:


----------



## Sweet Girl

Oooooh. 

{{ melts }}

Hugs to you, Christa.


----------



## hubbub

That picture shows how at peace Toby was in his home. We should all be so lucky to feel that protected, secure and surrounded by love.

<<hugs>>


----------



## swishywagga

The picture says it all, Toby was so loved, you gave him such a wonderful home and life. He will always be in your heart, nothing can ever change that. Hugs sent from my boy and I Christa, we are thinking of you.


----------



## murphy1

Thats a great picture and the caption. When Casey was older (he passed at 13), he put his two front legs on the couch and look around as if to say,,,,,Can someone please get the back end!


----------



## *Laura*

Oh what a sweet baby ...hugs


----------



## PrincessDi

Your Toby had such a sweet and kissable face. After we lost Golda, then Di and over 10 months ago Max; we didn't vacuum for the longest time. We didn't clean the windows inside the car and glass doors. We didn't put away toys, leashes, their beds or anything. I remember when I finally vacuumed, absolutely loosing it! What you're going through is so HARD! It is particularly hard when they weren't well for a while either because of age or illness. We become just as dependent on them as they were on us. It almost killed me to loose Max, because he was glued to Mommy at the hip. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.


----------



## HolDaisy

Such a beautiful photo of your Toby, thanks for sharing it. He looks so peaceful and happy in his favourite spot. I know how you're feeling, we will never stop missing them ever  sending you hugs.


----------



## dborgers

Beautiful pic, Christa. Toby knew how to put the 'lounge' in lounge chair. That was one relaxed boy right there.


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## cgriffin

I gave Thunder and Dachsi a bath this morning. It made me painfully aware of the fact, that I will never give Toby a bath again  
Toby loved bath time. I would say: Okay, mama is going to give everybody a bath today. Who wants to get a bath? Toby was always the first one to volunteer He would come running, he would even come running when I first get the shampoo and towels out. Oh, my sweet boy, he was truly the light of my life. I would give anything, anything to be able to give him a bath again, to hold him, to cuddle him, have him beside me through thick and thin. 

Family keeps asking, some casually, some with intend: How are you? Arghh, I so wished they would stop asking. I want to say: 'How do you think I feel? How do you want me to feel? I feel just as bad as I did those 10 1/2 weeks ago. Please don't ask anymore.' 
My husband often looks at me and asks: What happened? What is wrong? Arghhh. I tell him: 'What do you think? I miss Toby!' I want to add: 'I miss my boy and I can't shrug it off like some people seem to be able to do'. But I hold my tongue, I know that would hurt his feelings and I know that not everybody grieves in the same way. 
I was around Toby 24/7 and I took care of him, he was always beside me, I was his mom. We were so close, one heart. 

How does someone move on from that?


----------



## Dallas Gold

cgriffin said:


> I gave Thunder and Dachsi a bath this morning. It made me painfully aware of the fact, that I will never give Toby a bath again
> Toby loved bath time. I would say: Okay, mama is going to give everybody a bath today. Who wants to get a bath? Toby was always the first one to volunteer He would come running, he would even come running when I first get the shampoo and towels out. Oh, my sweet boy, he was truly the light of my life. I would give anything, anything to be able to give him a bath again, to hold him, to cuddle him, have him beside me through thick and thin.
> 
> Family keeps asking, some casually, some with intend: How are you? Arghh, I so wished they would stop asking. I want to say: 'How do you think I feel? How do you want me to feel? I feel just as bad as I did those 10 1/2 weeks ago. Please don't ask anymore.'
> My husband often looks at me and asks: What happened? What is wrong? Arghhh. I tell him: 'What do you think? I miss Toby!' I want to add: 'I miss my boy and I can't shrug it off like some people seem to be able to do'. But I hold my tongue, I know that would hurt his feelings and I know that not everybody grieves in the same way.
> I was around Toby 24/7 and I took care of him, he was always beside me, I was his mom. We were so close, one heart.
> 
> How does someone move on from that?


HUGS... we all grieve and move on at different rates and differently from day to day, month to month. We also show our grief differently. My hope is your friends and family will be patient and let you process through this at your own pace, which may take months or longer. They just want the best for you, but it's so hard to express they care and they are concerned and it comes out all wrong. I remember thinking I was better a few months after losing Barkley and we were walking Toby by himself in the neighborhood. A less than tactful neighbor was walking by, someone we see in passing, but don't know well. He yelled across the street something like "where is the old one"? I shook my head, trying to keep the tears from going and he didn't get it- so he yelled "Did he die of Cancer"? I shook my head yes, tears flowing-- and he just walked off- no "I'm so sorry"- no response at all- I cried the rest of the walk, and it surprised me because I thought I was back to some semblance of normalcy. This neighbor had no clue what he had unleashed and he'd probably be apologetic if he knew. That encounter set me back. Sorry I rambled but my point is grief is messy- there is no time frame, there is not a perfect way to approach it, others don't understand it or don't deal with it or know how to support the bereaved in the best way, and the path to healing, or better yet, understanding and a reluctant acceptance, isn't a straight line, but full of u-turns, circles, diversions, etc.


----------



## Karen519

*Christa*



cgriffin said:


> I gave Thunder and Dachsi a bath this morning. It made me painfully aware of the fact, that I will never give Toby a bath again
> Toby loved bath time. I would say: Okay, mama is going to give everybody a bath today. Who wants to get a bath? Toby was always the first one to volunteer He would come running, he would even come running when I first get the shampoo and towels out. Oh, my sweet boy, he was truly the light of my life. I would give anything, anything to be able to give him a bath again, to hold him, to cuddle him, have him beside me through thick and thin.
> 
> Family keeps asking, some casually, some with intend: How are you? Arghh, I so wished they would stop asking. I want to say: 'How do you think I feel? How do you want me to feel? I feel just as bad as I did those 10 1/2 weeks ago. Please don't ask anymore.'
> My husband often looks at me and asks: What happened? What is wrong? Arghhh. I tell him: 'What do you think? I miss Toby!' I want to add: 'I miss my boy and I can't shrug it off like some people seem to be able to do'. But I hold my tongue, I know that would hurt his feelings and I know that not everybody grieves in the same way.
> I was around Toby 24/7 and I took care of him, he was always beside me, I was his mom. We were so close, one heart.
> 
> How does someone move on from that?


Christa: I am so very sorry-I know how you feel!


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## dborgers

Christa, it takes as long as it takes. We're here for you


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## *Laura*

dborgers said:


> Christa, it takes as long as it takes. We're here for you


Danny's right Christa. It just takes as long as it takes. There's no set time for grieving. Hugs to you


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## cgriffin

Thanks guys. 
I know it will take a long time for me and as I stated, I really don't know how to move on from this. It is still so surreal to me.
I have had other losses, human and pet alike but this just feels worse, I can't explain.

I just wished family would understand. I know they care, but I wish the questions would stop. 
Thanks for listening.


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Thanks guys.
> I know it will take a long time for me and as I stated, I really don't know how to move on from this. It is still so surreal to me.
> I have had other losses, human and pet alike but this just feels worse, I can't explain.
> 
> I just wished family would understand. I know they care, but I wish the questions would stop.
> Thanks for listening.


I'm so sorry. 

Are there any pet loss support groups near you? I wonder if it might help to talk to other people going through the same thing? There are also therapists who specialize in grief and even some who specialize in pet loss. The loss of a pet is the loss of a family member - no different. And everyone copes in their own way. It's okay to need a little help, too. 

We're all here for you.


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## cgriffin

Thanks, Stephanie, I'll be okay. 
I am just having a rough week and it is hard to make people understand that don't know what I am going through. That is why I am so grateful that here I can write down my thoughts and feelings with people that understand.


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## Buddy's mom forever

cgriffin said:


> ....
> It is so odd that I can post all my pics and share stories here on the forum, when I cannot really do it on facebook with family. They just don't understand......
> 
> I feel like I am just going through the motions of living, because it is expected of me. I have not moved on, I cannot.....not yet.......
> Oh, I miss my boy


I am thinking of you all time, feel so bad that I do not post so often. Love looking at Toby's pictures. 
Please keep sharing Toby's stories, we are the ones who understand everything about losing a heart dog. Hugs.


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## cgriffin

I saw one of those stag beetles with the pincers today and it reminded me of Toby's first encounter with a stag beetle. Toby was about 11 weeks old maybe and we were out in the yard in the evening. Toby was poking his head in the grass and looking at something. He lifted his head and he had a stag beetle attached to his muzzle, his lip to be exact. I tried to get the beetle off but it was holding on for dear life with those pincers and Toby just wanted that thing off. I grabbed Toby and ran into the house to my hubby, who got a pair of scissors out and cut that pincer while I was holding Toby still. Once the pincer was being cut, the beetle let go. Poor Toby, he got lots of kisses and cuddles and 'poor baby' calls. He was none worse for the wear though 

Oh, I miss that boy so much......


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## swishywagga

Oh dear poor Toby!. Always so lovely to hear your wonderful memories and stories about sweet Toby. Hope you have a good day Christa. Thinking of you.


----------



## hubbub

Goodness! What a fright for a young pup, but he knew you'd make things right for him. It's funny how little things trigger old memories - we love hearing them


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## *Laura*

Yikes, poor Toby
(Yes we love hearing your Toby stories. Please keep them coming


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## swishywagga

Just stopping by to let you know I am thinking of you. Hoping you have something nice planned for the weekend. Sending hugs across the miles from me and Mr Barnaby!


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## cgriffin

Thank you 

Oh, I have lots of yard work, always do, at least it keeps me busy. We might take a short trip into town, have a bite to eat there. 

Hugs to Mr. Barnaby and you  Thunder, Dachsi and me also wish you a good weekend


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## *Laura*

Thinking of you Christa. How are you doing today?


----------



## dborgers

Wishing you a beautiful summer day, Christa


----------



## HolDaisy

Just to say hi and hope you're doing okay. I love your stories about Toby, he was such a sweet boy.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you, I am okay. Been working outside a lot, but it is hot and muggy. I just took a break and went for a swim. 
I miss Toby, that has not gotten any better...........

On Friday, it will be a year since we picked up my sister and her youngest son from the airport. They spent 3 wonderful weeks with us, we had so much fun with sightseeing, shopping and swimming. I sure miss them a lot. 
Toby was still healthy and being his sweet and goofy self. He would wake up my sister at about six in the morning. He would go to her room, stand by the bed and wait for her to wake up. Then he would run and get a toy and bring it to her, he also would bring Thunder, our lab mix along. Them two were so funny together. 

My sister also misses Toby. She said, she always wondered by what criteria he picked out the toys to bring to her in the morning, every morning it was a different toy and he was so overjoyed to see her. My sister said she is so glad that she still got to meet my Toby.
The memories make me smile and cry at the same time.....


----------



## hubbub

cgriffin said:


> My sister also misses Toby. She said, she always wondered by what criteria he picked out the toys to bring to her in the morning, every morning it was a different toy and he was so overjoyed to see her.


I wonder all the time why my girl selects a particular toy. Sometimes, I'll come in and she'll grab for the nearest baby, but then stop and run to another part of the house to get a different one. With all they share with us and teach us, I guess this is just one of the mysteries we'll never know. <hugs>


----------



## cgriffin

I think you are right. Sometimes Toby would stand in front of his huge toy box and just stare at it, I guess he did not know which toy rang his fancy that day. He sometimes dug around in there till he found what he was looking for
At times I helped him and started pulling out toys and held them up to him. He ignored the toys he did not want, when I had just the right one he would start to wag and grab it and look so happy. I miss that!  

Hugs to sweet Hannah, cherish every moment with her


----------



## cgriffin

I pulled a blanket out of the closet and.......it was full of blond Toby fur. I was so shocked..........I could not explain it. Thinking about it... could have been when Toby had a bath in December right before Christmas and I wrapped him into the blanket and then forgot about it and put it away......
This is one blanket that will never be washed again.


----------



## GoldensGirl

cgriffin said:


> I pulled a blanket out of the closet and.......it was full of blond Toby fur. I was so shocked..........I could not explain it. Thinking about it... could have been when Toby had a bath in December right before Christmas and I wrapped him into the blanket and then forgot about it and put it away......
> This is one blanket that will never be washed again.


Even when you think you've gotten used to the pain and learned to live with it, things can catch you by surprise. Like an unexpected blanket full of treasured fur that you will have forever. 

We have a sofa that Charlie loved and I have faith that someday I'm going to pull it out from the wall and find a ball of his soft plush. Two years ago we were struggling with the decision to let him go. Tears run even as I type... I know that part of my heart is still numb from the agony of those last days and hours. I'm not sure other people understand, but oh so many do here.

Gentle hugs,
Lucy


----------



## cgriffin

Oh, I do so understand.
Last night, Dachsi threw his toy behind the sofa and I pulled it out for him. There were also fine blond hairs on the toy, things like that get me choked up immediately. There is still Toby's pillow, favorite toy and a blanket on the loveseat that was Toby's favorite hang out. I also cannot bring myself to vacuum the hair off the loveseat and couch. The furniture is old and beat up, time for new ones, but I cannot even think about getting rid of the furniture. That would be like losing a part of Toby all over again 
I am far from having moved on, every day is a struggle, my other two help me to hang in there, I think they still miss Toby as well...


----------



## GoldensGirl

Yes, the other dogs still miss Toby and probably will for months to come. Joker visibly mourned Charlie for almost a year, despite the adorable energizing presence of our Sunshine Girl whom Joker loves dearly. When Sabrina died, Charlie and Joker mourned for the longest time and I think it took them two years to figure out how to play again. She raised both of them with a firm, loving paw. It was only after her death that I realized that ALL of the playful energy in the house had come from her. I was always scolding the boys for being too rough with her, only to learn belatedly that she had been the naughty initiator all along.

Tucked away in a drawer is the last tennis ball Sabrina carried, though she died almost 9 years ago. And the collar of my rescued GSD, who died 1995. I expect to have them always, like I will always have the last hours with each of them carved on my soul.


----------



## Sweet Girl

I thought of you this morning, Christa, as I made my bed and straightened the too warm blanket that's folded at the bottom of my bed - that is only still there because it has Tesia's fur on it and I cannot bear to take it off. My sister gave it to me this past Christmas - specifically for Tesia to snuggle on during her cancer treatments and post-surgeries. It is too hot, so I fold it over and away from me, but I can't take it off my bed. Not yet. It is one of the few things I still have that still has her fur in it. So yes, I definitely understand. Hugs to you.


----------



## cgriffin

Missing my Toby a lot......especially in the mornings and when going to bed.....I think I will never get used to not having him around.


----------



## Dallas Gold

Hugs. There are some mornings when I can feel one of my Bridge boys presence. 

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


----------



## HolDaisy

Thinking of you. It will get a little easier but you will always miss him. Even with Sammy around we still miss Daisy immensely. I hope Toby sends you a sign real soon to let you know that he's doing okay.


----------



## Lucky Penny

It is so hard, my heart goes out to you. I know your pain.


----------



## swishywagga

Christa, you are always in my thoughts, sending hugs across, hoping tomorrow is a happier day for you.


----------



## *Laura*

Christa I know tomorrow will be difficult - another first to get through. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you are enjoying your day


----------



## goldensrbest

I want to say how sorry I am, we so love those that go before us, it hurts when they are gone.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you all.
I keep thinking about how happy we were last year at this time, my sister and nephew were visiting, Toby was so happy.

Terry, I am so sorry, it has to be especially hard for you, hugs!!!


----------



## goldensrbest

I still miss spencer, I was talking about him today, we just have to feel what we feel, let it hit us as it comes, when we love, this is only natural to feel pain,when they are gone.


----------



## cgriffin

This was exactly a year ago, it was hot about 108 degrees Fahrenheit, sunny, dry and Toby was here  as well as my youngest sis and her son 
We had such good times  (My nephew took the pics)

This year, no Toby, no sis and no nephew and it is in the 70s and raining 

Those temps are virtually unheard of here for this time of the year.


----------



## dborgers

Hi Christa. The unseasonably cool temperatures are a nice reprieve, aren't they?

Rain rain rain. Not much outside stuff going on in our neck of the woods today.

Thinking of you.


----------



## cgriffin

Thanks, Danny.

Lol, was just thinking of you also and left you a post. 

Actually, I would rather have a dry, sunny and hot day today. I am not used to not going into the pool on Independence Day. 

Quiet here also, Thunder and Dachsi are just laying around sleeping, hubby is in front of the computer, and so am I right now. 

Have a good day, hugs to your gang


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## goldensrbest

Did you bury toby, or cremate him?


----------



## cgriffin

Terri, he was cremated. Toby was the first one of my pets to get cremated. I have his urn in the living room, on a little end table, next to a picture of him and his paw print. At night I take the urn into the bedroom with me, put it on the night stand. 
I touch his urn often during the day, I usually give it a big hug at night and in the morning. 
I hope that does not sound creepy.


----------



## goldensrbest

I have spencers in my bedroom, Jamie was cremated also, but she is buried in the back yard, and halley our old English ,is buried in the front, it bothers me that I have to leave them here,when I move, I will never bury ashes again at a house.


----------



## cgriffin

I know what you mean, my previous golden 'Sam' is buried here at the house, as well as my guinea pigs and my sister's little dog. I also would hate to think that someday, I would have to leave this place and leave my babies behind.


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Terri, he was cremated. Toby was the first one of my pets to get cremated. I have his urn in the living room, on a little end table, next to a picture of him and his paw print. At night I take the urn into the bedroom with me, put it on the night stand.
> I touch his urn often during the day, I usually give it a big hug at night and in the morning.
> I hope that does not sound creepy.


I lay my hand on Tesia's urn everyday - either when I get home or when I leave. I still say hello and goodbye to her. So I understand this entirely. Not creepy. Just a habit of the heart.



goldensrbest said:


> I have spencers in my bedroom, Jamie was cremated also, but she is buried in the back yard, and halley our old English ,is buried in the front, it bothers me that I have to leave them here,when I move, I will never bury ashes again at a house.


Terry, this is exactly why I had Tesia cremated, too. Though I preferred the idea of burying her, I knew it would prevent me from ever moving away from Toronto. I wouldn't want to leave her.

Did you bury Jamie ashes in an urn? Could they potentially be dug up and taken with you? I will tell you, when my mother sold our house, we left our cat behind, buried in the backyard. I adored that cat, and even though we don't live in that house anymore, and I am in a different city, I know he is happy because he is under the tree he loved to sleep under in the cool grass. Halley will be forever where she loved to be, too. We did tell the next owners that he is buried there, so that they didn't disturb his grave. That helped us. But I know none of this is easy.


----------



## Lucky Penny

I can understand about not wanting to bury our animals and then having to move. All of our animals are buried under rose bushes in our rose garden. However, we just haven't buried Penny yet. Her urn sits on our mantel. I don't think we will bury her. I want to plant a rose bush in her memory though. Talking to Toby's ashes are not crazy! I keep a picture of Penny in my car so everyday I look at her and talk to her in the car. It is how we get by.


----------



## hubbub

I just wanted to add that I appreciate the honesty of everyone's posts about their grief (in this thread and others). I think that knowing you aren't alone and how we hold those connections after their deaths is comforting on a deep level. 




cgriffin said:


> At times I helped him and started pulling out toys and held them up to him. He ignored the toys he did not want, when I had just the right one he would start to wag and grab it and look so happy. I miss that!
> 
> Hugs to sweet Hannah, cherish every moment with her


We have to play this "game" regularly with the extra toys in the pantry. She'll stare into the closet as I bring out stuffie after stuffie before finally selecting the one she wants. 

Hugs distributed. absolutely cherishing every moment and knowing that it's a gift.


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## cgriffin

You know, this is pretty much the only place I can say what I feel, I know I am among kindred spirits, people that have been there, people that understand, sadly also people that will be there some day...hopefully not so soon.


----------



## dborgers

I don't post a lot on your thread, Christa, but I'm always listening.  

You are among kindred spirits who care about you and loved Toby, though we never met


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## swishywagga

Christa, you are always in my thoughts, hoping that today is a good one for you, take care x


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## Sweet Girl

hubbub said:


> We have to play this "game" regularly with the extra toys in the pantry. She'll stare into the closet as I bring out stuffie after stuffie before finally selecting the one she wants.
> 
> Hugs distributed. absolutely cherishing every moment and knowing that it's a gift.


These stories made me smile, too. I used to love watching Tee go over to her basket and check it all out. If she couldn't see or reach the toy she wanted, she would stand there quietly. I'd go over and say, "which one do you want?" And I could read her tail - "do you want a bone?" If she wagged, we went through which bone - I'd pull them out and offer until we hit on the one she wanted. If there was no tail wag at "do you want a bone?" I knew she wanted a hidden stuffie. And we'd go through the same process. She always had a particular toy in mind. 

Makes me wonder how people can still insist dogs have no thought processes.


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## Lucky Penny

Even though I found this forum years into Penny's cancer, this forum was a huge support system for me when Penny was battling it. Now after, it is even more a huge support. It is hard, because I want to help others in the cancer section, but I can't bring myself to read through the horror I went through. It is so hard, and I know we all take everyone's stories to heart and cry for each other. It is painful everyday, but our support helps get us through it.


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## lhowemt

Hazel's ashes came home today. It was hard enough until I saw they were in a plain metal tin. This one crematorium has been using very nice wood boxes for years. I'm not sure why not anymore, or if they quit and the humane society was the only option. But I was shocked at her packaging, felt it was an inglorious return. Now in addition to an ash keepsake locket I'll be buying some sort of container worthy of her. The locket I've found is great, a gold paw with onyx inlaid as pads. A perfect golden retriever paws. Her feet were one of the first things I fell in love with, one of the first photos of the litter nursing they were all frog legs with their tiny feet and pads sticking out. I neglected to get a pawprint impression of her, which I'm pretty sad about. I just try to keep thinking about the wonderful things we did in her last week and a half. Like lay in the grass. A LOT. I miss her painfully. I can't wait to always have her near me. 


Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## Buddy's mom forever

Thinking of you very often. This forum is very special, so many of us do understand. It is good we have each other.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all.

I still have so many emotions running through me, I still feel so guilty, horrible about having to make the decision to let Toby go. I don't know if I can forgive myself, I know it was the right thing to do, but .....
I think some of you have been there, the self doubt, the what ifs......
I know I just have to get over it and move on.... but I am not there yet....

Toby's ashes came in a nice oak box with 'In Loving Memory" and "Toby" engraved on it. 

I also have his clay paw print, I can even tell which paw it is an imprint from. It is his left front paw, because there are toe nail impressions and one toe is missing an imprint. That is the toe that Toby tore off his nail three times and it grew back thinner, a little bent and it was shorter. Oh, that boy had rough paw pads, I can even tell that in the imprint, makes it somehow even more - intimate? I don't know if that is the word to use. But it is definitely Toby.

I was so worried about not getting his ashes returned, the vet and the office person ensured me, that this cremation service is excellent and they have only high recommendations for them. There were several certificates with the exact cremation date and Toby's name with the urn for authenticity and the urn itself has a sticker on the bottom, taped over the opening with Toby's name and cremation date again. That does give me a sense of assurance and makes me feel better.

I would have thought having two other dogs at home, the grief would be easier than grieving for my other previous goldens. No, it is not easier, this time around is much worse and I think you Buddy's Mom Forever pointed out to me that Toby was my heart dog. Yes, he certainly was and he is still my heart. I just miss him so much.

I am glad I found this forum, after Toby went through two orthopedic surgeries. Buddy's Mom, you were one of the first people to welcome me and be so supportive, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really appreciated it and still do. 

Thank you all again.


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## Lucky Penny

Ihowemt, where did you find your ash keepsake locket? That is disappointing about the tin she came home in. L

Cgriffin, the emotions you are feeling are okay to feel. I catch myself playing through Penny’s last few months and thinking those “what if’s” What helps me get through those moments is to remember that at that moment I did what I thought was the best thing to do for my dog. To never second guess my decisions, because they are made from the depth of my heart. I don’t think we ever move on, I just think we learn how to make peace with things.

I love that they send clay paw prints back. I am mine hanging on my Penny tribute wall. I cherish it just as much as you cherish Toby’s. It sounds like the cremation service you had was wonderful. 

No other dog can replace Toby. Most certainly they can help fill that hole in the heart, but I understand when you say he was your heart dog and it is so hard. Know we are all here to provide comfort when you need it, because we all understand the pain you feel.


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## murphy1

You said you know it was the right thing to do! Your put him first, which to me, makes you a wonderful pet owner. It shows just how much you loved him. Please don't have any doubts, your actions say so much and I'm sure he appreciates all that you did for him over his lifetime and when it was time to go. You didn't prolong his suffering. All pet owners should think like we do. He'll be there wagging his tail when you arrive!


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you and hope that you are doing the best that you possibly can. It really is so difficult to lose your heart dog  I love your photos of Toby he was such a handsome boy and looks so loving and kind. I bet he's made so many friends at rainbow bridge, and I hope that he has found Daisy.
We all understand your pain so well and understand what you're going through. Take care.


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## cgriffin

Thanks. I think that all I am feeling is telling me that I am not ready to add a golden furbaby yet and maybe I should just keep spoiling my oldie but goodie lab mix for a while. He sure is getting more clingy , he is slowing down, but then he surprises me by chasing after Dachsi, my dachshund


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## lhowemt

High quality gold plated onyx cremation pendants

There are quite a few places that have pet cremation jewelry, I also searched on pet ash pendant. This one is one of the more expensive ones, and it's pretty large. 1" x 1" seems like a big thing around my neck, I'm not a jewelry person.


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## Buddy's mom forever

Yes I remember your first posts, it was 6 months after my Buddy was gone and around his 10th birthday, had many sleepless nights. We did what we had to do. We loved and still love them, that's why we miss them so much. Hugs.


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## PrincessDi

The doubts and second guessing is one of the ugliest sides of grieving. I'm so sorry that your going thru that. It takes a long time to learn to live with the gaping hole that is left in our broken hearts. Somehow we do learn to live without them. The other kids left behind grieve too. Maybe that is why you've notices the oldie slowing down more. Keeping you in our thoughts.


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## PrincessDi

lhowemt said:


> Hazel's ashes came home today. It was hard enough until I saw they were in a plain metal tin. This one crematorium has been using very nice wood boxes for years. I'm not sure why not anymore, or if they quit and the humane society was the only option. But I was shocked at her packaging, felt it was an inglorious return. Now in addition to an ash keepsake locket I'll be buying some sort of container worthy of her. The locket I've found is great, a gold paw with onyx inlaid as pads. A perfect golden retriever paws. Her feet were one of the first things I fell in love with, one of the first photos of the litter nursing they were all frog legs with their tiny feet and pads sticking out. I neglected to get a pawprint impression of her, which I'm pretty sad about. I just try to keep thinking about the wonderful things we did in her last week and a half. Like lay in the grass. A LOT. I miss her painfully. I can't wait to always have her near me.
> Sent from Petguide.com Free App


I'm sorry that Hazel's ashes came in something that was not becoming of her! Golda, Max and Di's ashes (all from different places) did come in nice boxes. We actually still found each a unique box that fit their personalities and the box they came in sits inside another box. My heart goes out to you at this dark time. I've lost my Dad and my brother and nothing has hurt as bad as losing our gold.


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## lhowemt

This may seem morbid, but I promised Hazel since she was a pup that I would never let her suffer. I felt as if we always tended to wait just a bit too ling, and both we and the pup suffered. Doing this was probably more difficult to me, but I always felt that I must protect her from incurable pain. I did that, and am so happy that I was able to give her one last gift. It truly is a gift of love and by doing so you are taking their pain into you. Feeling guilt is a natural part of grieving, let it wash through you and away, and know you gave him endless love.


Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## Karen519

*Hazel*



lhowemt said:


> Hazel's ashes came home today. It was hard enough until I saw they were in a plain metal tin. This one crematorium has been using very nice wood boxes for years. I'm not sure why not anymore, or if they quit and the humane society was the only option. But I was shocked at her packaging, felt it was an inglorious return. Now in addition to an ash keepsake locket I'll be buying some sort of container worthy of her. The locket I've found is great, a gold paw with onyx inlaid as pads. A perfect golden retriever paws. Her feet were one of the first things I fell in love with, one of the first photos of the litter nursing they were all frog legs with their tiny feet and pads sticking out. I neglected to get a pawprint impression of her, which I'm pretty sad about. I just try to keep thinking about the wonderful things we did in her last week and a half. Like lay in the grass. A LOT. I miss her painfully. I can't wait to always have her near me.
> 
> 
> Sent from Petguide.com Free App


Our Gizmo and Munchkin's ashes were in plastic boxes, but our Smooch and Snobear's ashes, were in metal tins. My hubby and I made the same promise to our dogs, that we would never let them suffer and it gives us peace to know that we kept it.


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## Buddy's mom forever

Thinking of you, hugs. Our boys are playing together and waiting for us. We just have to be patient and make our best with the time we still have here. They are our sweet angels watching over us.


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## cgriffin

Thank you Buddy's Mom, I long to see my baby.


PrincessDi: I have not figured out how to quote, but when you stated: "I've lost my Dad and my brother and nothing has hurt as bad as losing our gold. ", I thought: Wow! I thought I was the only one. I lost my mom when I was 22, I lost my oldest sister when I was 20, last year I lost my brother, I have lost three goldens and other pets. But nothing ever hurt as bad as losing Toby. I don't feel as bad now knowing that I am not the only one, I was feeling so guilty for my thoughts. 
__________________


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## GoldenCamper

cgriffin said:


> PrincessDi: I have not figured out how to quote, but when you stated: "I've lost my Dad and my brother and nothing has hurt as bad as losing our gold. ", *I thought: Wow! I thought I was the only one.* I lost my mom when I was 22, I lost my oldest sister when I was 20, last year I lost my brother, I have lost three goldens and other pets. But nothing ever hurt as bad as losing Toby. I don't feel as bad now knowing that I am not the only one, I was feeling so guilty for my thoughts.


Trust me, you are far from the only one. I did not shed many tears when my parents passed, but the tears I have shed for my dogs could fill the oceans of the world.


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## Sweet Girl

Christa, thinking about you lots.

I am also in that club - far more tears for my girl. There is a difference, though, I think in a parent or grandparent, and your dog. I am speaking in wide generalities, and I don't mean to hurt anyone who has had a hard time with the death of a parent or grandparent. But I think in general our parent or grandparent has lived a long life, and it is the natural circle of life. They die before us. And you know they understand what is happening. A dog is like a child in the way you care for them, and they depend on you. I think that's why it is harder. My body physically hurt when Tesia died. I seriously did not know what I was going to do. I didn't leave my house for five days and I barely ate. But little by little, it gets better. I still have moments. And I think there are no rules. For me, starting the process of getting another puppy came entirely unexpectedly, but it felt right. And my heart started to heal as I started to think about a new Golden in my heart. Other people need much longer to think about another, some even shorter, some never. And that is fine. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to love this new puppy. It's been just over 48 hours, and I adore her already. I honestly can't remember the first few weeks with Tee, but I know she wasn't the dog at none weeks old that she became. So I know this lovely nameless soul also has a lot of growing and developing to do, but I already love her dearly. I hold her close to me at 3am, going outside again, and I just love her. 

The guilt, sadly, is also just the not very fair part of the whole process. You worry, Christa, that you didn't make the right choice. I feared I waited a day too long. But both of us made the best decisions we could at the time, with the information we had, for the dogs we loved so much. I wish I could go back, but I can't. So now I try to focus on the fact that I gave her the best life I could have. I know you did the same for Toby. I hope those thoughts help you.


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## Doug

I agree it is harder to lose our fur kids. I think that it is safe to say that you and I (along with some notable others here) have gone above and beyond the norm for our fur kids. We have spent many hours researching and making sure that their medical needs were taken care of to the best of our ability. We constantly monitored their general happiness and comfort, and they repaid us back tenfold with their loyalty and golden charm. It only makes sense that when it is their time to leave we are left with an enormous loss. We feel that loss deeply every day. People are more independent and do not need us quite as much.

I am also haunted by my girl's illness. For me it comes in stabbing waves of what she had to endure through her sickness to be with me so our grief is the same but different. There is never a good time to leave or a good way to go. Grief continues to taunt us one way or another. Simply put releasing our gold sucks no matter the circumstances!

I have to deliberately push these painful feelings aside and shake them off because this is what Tia would want me to do. Lauren's special post (number 381) gives me great comfort and is a great reminder to me and I hope that it is the same for you. 

http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com/cancer-information-golden-retrievers/119632-pennys-story-39.html

Toby would not want you to feel sad. The feelings of guilt come from a challenging place not Toby so as with so many challenges in this life we must try to shake the negative vibes off with honour just as our goldens continue to teach us to do. Sometimes I have to physically shake off the negative thoughts or use a key word like, "Next!" to snap me out of it. However, feelings of great memories and her reassuring ways are very much welcomed and held on to.

Have you heard this cute story?

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realising what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovelfuls later, he quieted down completely.

The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw. With every shovelful of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing some thing amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbours. Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Shake it off and take a step up! 

Author Unknown

As you know you are not alone in this painful journey we all just do our best one step at a time and try to imagine what our goldens would say to us if they were still physically here. As the Buddhists say feel the pain for a moment as it is supposed to teach you something but then it is necessary to move to the next positive thought towards enlightenment.

Wishing you great comfort and a knowing that we all share your pain.

I hope that Thunder is feeling a lot better and that Dashi is entertaining as ever


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## cgriffin

Thank you all, yes your words help and your experiences. Things I write down here, I cannot say to family or even my husband. I feel like I have already cried an ocean for Toby.
This week has been especially bad for me, I am constantly breaking out in tears. 
I know it will get better eventually, but I also don't want to lose all the great memories of Toby, the feel of his fur against my skin, his smell, his sloppy big kisses, his zest for life, loving to play, cuddle and please, that golden smile, the goofiness, the cute sounds he made, the light in his eyes, he could light up a room. Oh, I miss that boy.

My memories of my other goldens that passed have faded over time, it is hard to recall their sounds, the way they felt, their quirks. I still have pictures, a video, but it seems like a lifetime ago. I don't want that to happen with my memories of Toby, but I know it will eventually. That realization hurts so bad. 

Julie, Thunder is doing well, thank you, Dachsi is keeping him on his toes


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## swishywagga

Christa, I hope you had a nice weekend with some happy moments and that your wonderful memories of Toby made you smile. I am always thinking of you. Take care.


----------



## hubbub

Catching up on this thread has brought on tears, but also a sense of comfort in knowing there is so much support in this community. Toby was so lucky to be loved so deeply and to have found his person. Isn't that what we're all looking for?



cgriffin said:


> PrincessDi: I have not figured out how to quote, but when you stated: "I've lost my Dad and my brother and nothing has hurt as bad as losing our gold. ", I thought: Wow! I thought I was the only one. I lost my mom when I was 22, I lost my oldest sister when I was 20, last year I lost my brother, I have lost three goldens and other pets. But nothing ever hurt as bad as losing Toby. I don't feel as bad now knowing that I am not the only one, I was feeling so guilty for my thoughts.


Try not to feel guilty about your thoughts. Your grief is yours - it's personal and it's different for everyone. I anticipate that I will be nearly inconsolable. I think the secret is harnessing those happy moments and memories - otherwise the grief can take you so far that it's harder to find your way back out. 

A friend lost her dog a number of years ago and confided in me later that she wondered if she would grieve as deeply for her children. 



Sweet Girl said:


> For me, starting the process of getting another puppy came entirely unexpectedly, but it felt right. And my heart started to heal as I started to think about a new Golden in my heart. Other people need much longer to think about another, some even shorter, some never. And that is fine. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to love this new puppy. It's been just over 48 hours, and I adore her already. I honestly can't remember the first few weeks with Tee, but I know she wasn't the dog at none weeks old that she became. So I know this lovely nameless soul also has a lot of growing and developing to do, but I already love her dearly. I hold her close to me at 3am, going outside again, and I just love her.
> 
> The guilt, sadly, is also just the not very fair part of the whole process. You worry, Christa, that you didn't make the right choice. I feared I waited a day too long. But both of us made the best decisions we could at the time, with the information we had, for the dogs we loved so much. I wish I could go back, but I can't. So now I try to focus on the fact that I gave her the best life I could have. I know you did the same for Toby. I hope those thoughts help you.


Sweet Girl, your post had me nodding in agreement and also stunned with joy for you!:--happy: <-----my stunned with joy look  I will shortly be searching the forum for this breaking news and hopefully lots of PICTURES :crossfing:crossfing:crossfing !!!! 



Doug said:


> The feelings of guilt come from a challenging place not Toby so as with so many challenges in this life we must try to shake the negative vibes off with honour just as our goldens continue to teach us to do. Sometimes I have to physically shake off the negative thoughts or use a key word like, "Next!" to snap me out of it. However, feelings of great memories and her reassuring ways are very much welcomed and held on to.
> 
> Have you heard this cute story?......


I also have to sometimes cue myself to sort of snap out of negative thoughts. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I LOVE the story of the donkey. I have a friend who is going through a really difficult time right now who I think will benefit from my sharing it. Thank you.


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## Karen519

*Toby*



cgriffin said:


> Thank you all, yes your words help and your experiences. Things I write down here, I cannot say to family or even my husband. I feel like I have already cried an ocean for Toby.
> This week has been especially bad for me, I am constantly breaking out in tears.
> I know it will get better eventually, but I also don't want to lose all the great memories of Toby, the feel of his fur against my skin, his smell, his sloppy big kisses, his zest for life, loving to play, cuddle and please, that golden smile, the goofiness, the cute sounds he made, the light in his eyes, he could light up a room. Oh, I miss that boy.
> 
> My memories of my other goldens that passed have faded over time, it is hard to recall their sounds, the way they felt, their quirks. I still have pictures, a video, but it seems like a lifetime ago. I don't want that to happen with my memories of Toby, but I know it will eventually. That realization hurts so bad.
> 
> Julie, Thunder is doing well, thank you, Dachsi is keeping him on his toes


It will get better in time. We will always miss and love them!


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## Lucky Penny

The words said in the this thread are so comforting.


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## *Laura*

Hi Christa - just wanted to say hi this morning. I've been away for a week. Hope you had a nice weekend and are doing okay. Your memories of Toby will last in your heart forever, don't worry. There are so many good memories.


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## cgriffin

I am having a bad day 

I am missing Toby especially much today and this afternoon, I took out the Ziploc baggie that holds Toby's fur clippings. Thunder and Dachsi came over to see what I was doing and stuck their noses into the baggie which still holds Toby's scent/smell on the fur. Both boys got all waggy and excited and Thunder's eyes lit up and I mean they lit up with hope and joy, and he started looking at the front door.
Oh gosh, it just about tore me up. I hugged Thunder and told him that I miss Toby too. I have been a crying mess ever since.

:--sad::bawling:


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## *Laura*

Oh Christa. I'm so sorry you're having a hard day. Sending big hugs your way


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## lhowemt

I am so so so sorry! It is hard, and it will be hard. Eventually the pain will settle back into mostly loving and joyful memories. It takes time, but crying is good too.


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## Maddie'sMom2011

Christa, I'm so sorry that you're having a bad day.


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## swishywagga

*Laura* said:


> Oh Christa. I'm so sorry you're having a hard day. Sending big hugs your way


Hugs sent as well Christa x


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## GoldenCamper

Gosh I took out Tucker's clippings out to smell his frito pads soon after he passed, I truly get it.

Totally bummed Ms Fiona does not have the frito paw smell


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## cgriffin

Thank you all for being so kind and supportive. 

I am thinking a lot of Thunder, he spend 10 years with Toby, I cannot imagine what he is feeling about any of this. 
Thunder has aged a lot these past months, he is 12, Toby was 10. I somehow never thought my Thunder would outlive my Toby. I was always thinking: 'What will Toby do when Thunder is gone? He will be heartbroken.' I never thought the other way around.

I never thought I would lose Toby so soon. I feel so bad for all my boys. This isn't getting any easier.


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## GoldensGirl

Watching a dog mourn is so very hard, in addition to our own grief.

After Sabrina died, Joker and Charlie were visibly depressed for months. I remember sitting with her leather collar in my hands and having Joker to me and nuzzle it, then look at the box that held her ashes, for all the world as if he wondered wanted me to explain why she couldn't come out to play. I always thought the boys were too rough with her, pushing her into play that was too much for her frail body. It was only after she was gone that I realized that neither of the boys knew how to start a game. Sabrina had been the source of all the playful energy in our pack, and it took a couple of years for the boys to figure it out.

I hope you are able to be gentle with yourself, as well as with your dogs. It takes a long time for some of us. I still cherish the collar of a GSD who died in 1994. But then many dogs create the kind of memories to make these tributes natural.

Peace be with you.


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## Buddy's mom forever

I read your post at work today and cried. Sorry you are having a bad day. I do not have a clipping of my Buddy's hair, don't have his paw prints. For days I was collecting every single bundle of hair I could find. Just his ashes, all what is left. I do understand and feel your pain.
Hugs.


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## Sweet Girl

I'm so sorry it's been such a sad day, Christa. Sending you a big hug.


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## hubbub

I wanted to send a few <<cyber hugs>> your way. I'm sorry things have been rough lately. I can only imagine what it's like to temper your own grief while watching Thunder and Dachsi try to understand. 

One day, I was walking Hannah past a friend's house and instead of asking if she wanted to stop in to see the human, I said the name of Hannah's doggie friend who had passed away about 9 months prior. She was SOOO excited it broke my heart. I finally took her to the door and while Hannah searched the house for her doggie friend, my friend and I had a thorough cry.


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## swishywagga

Christa, just wanted to stop by to see how your doing today. Hoping your day is a brighter one.


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## *Laura*

swishywagga said:


> Christa, just wanted to stop by to see how your doing today. Hoping your day is a brighter one.


Me too. Wanted to stop by and say hi. Also hope today is a better one


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## Dallas Gold

Thinking about you Christa, sending you comforting thoughts.


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## Buddy's mom forever

I've been thinking of you!


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## cgriffin

Thinking of Toby every day, he occupies my thoughts so much.

Thunder taught Toby a lot, being his big brother. But, Toby taught Thunder a lot, as well as Dachsi. Toby taught Thunder and then Dachsi how to stand outside the screen door and hit the door with the paw to be let in  
Toby was a head butter, my block head  He figured out that the screen door did not fully latch anymore and he used his head to push it open so often when he wanted to go outside and I was not fast enough. He pushed it open and out he went, ever so quickly moving his body to avoid the door hitting him when shutting. Toby was a determined one, full of life and full of joy. (Yard is all fenced in)
He was always trying to be the first one out the door, he was on a mission whether it was to run and see if he could scare up the birds or be the first one to bark at something or someone coming down the driveway. 

When I went outside to check on the bird feeders, I would say: "Toby, lets go check on the birdies". He was right there. When I said: "Let's go check on the orchard" or "check on the pool". He was right there and he patiently waited till I was done. Oh, I miss that, I miss that so much. 

On the walks, he could not just remain in the open field or on the trail I cut through the woods, he had to run through the brush, determined, on a mission. Even in the last week of his life, limping and all, he had to run through the brush. I was so worried that I would have to go and get him, that he could not get back out. But, no, he was determined, he could do it and he did. 
Only the last couple of days of his life, I had to cut his walks very short. 

My beautiful boy, forever loved, forever missed, forever mourned.


----------



## Dallas Gold

your last post struck a chord with my heart because my Toby demonstrates some of the same things you loved so much about your Toby. HUGS Christa.


----------



## Doug

I am glad to see that you are still with us Christa It is so important to be able to be able to share our feelings and release them into the world and to the angels above. 

I also often think of what Tia would be doing as I go about my business. She was a confident leader and protector like Toby. I thought that all goldens were but apparently they aren't. We were just blessed to know such passionate souls who loved us unconditionally and taught us to love so deeply.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you for your support and understanding.

Today, I came upon this picture of Toby's uncle "Sam", no pun intended. He was our Golden before Toby. He was 12 1/2 when he died of hemangiosarcoma. He was just as sweet as Toby, actually I could see some of Sam's traits, habits, temperament, cuteness in Toby and I would tell Toby: "Your uncle did the same thing". I also told Toby that his uncle helped me find Toby and that he must have told Toby to hold out for the Mama, he would recognize me. I believe he did, given the vigorous tail wags and kisses Toby planted on me when we first met, love at first sight 

I still cry for Sam at times.

I feel bad because a lot of Sam's memories were pushed into the background when we got Toby, Sam's picture has faded. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of memories of Sam, but I cannot really remember how he felt, smelled, sounded, just being near him. It makes me sad and I feel guilty. 

I so hate the thought that eventually this will happen with Toby. I keep imagining running my hands down Toby's body, feeling every little bump, his fur, every limb, trying to remember what he felt like, his smell, his sweet Toby kisses on my face, his happy rooh-ing. He was such a love bug and such a funny boy, I called him 'clown baby' so many times 

Oh, I am just missing my boy so much  Maybe Sam and Toby are together, as well as with Sam 1 before them. ( I had two goldens named Sam)


----------



## lhowemt

I have a lost of things about Hazel and I still add to it. Things like her swishy tail, and you made me think of two other things. She had a thinnish greasy coat and needed a bath every month. I told her when she was dirty she looked like an Orphan and I couldn't have that so she was getting a bath. She would start to smell faintly of fritos too. 


Sent from Petguide.com Free App


----------



## cgriffin

Toby had a sweet, clean smell and he was always soft and fluffy


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## Doug

Wow Sam is a real beauty. You can see the unique family features. How lucky you are to have known at least 2 regal goldens. 
Small details may fade over time but odd reminders bring back those memories when you least expect it. I am sure that Sam, Sam and Toby are together watching you especially when you think of them.


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## HolDaisy

Sam was a beauty! You're so right when you say that he led you to Toby. I understand what you mean when you say you feel that memories of Sam faded when you had Toby. We worry that we will forget things about Daisy now we have Sammy, but he brings back memories of her for us when he does something randomly that she used to do and it always brings a smile. I like how we are able to see traits of our bridge angels live on in the spirit of other goldens. 

I really enjoy reading your stories about Toby, you tell them so well and I can just envisage what a sweet, gentle and special boy he was  both of your boys will always be with you.


----------



## cgriffin

Four months already when going by the date 30 March - it doesn't feel that long but on the other hand, it feels like forever since holding him in my arms. 
I would give anything in the world to be holding him right now


----------



## HolDaisy

Thinking of you today and sending hugs  I know how you must be feeling.


----------



## swishywagga

Christa, Sending you a very special hug today from me and Barnaby. I think about you so often, I wish I lived nearer, just to visit with you, to listen, chat and share your wonderful memories. This is an amazing forum, if only we could some how magic ourselves closer to those who need comfort. Take good care.


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## Doug

Anniversaries are so surreal but the truth is that every day is still bizarre.
Best wishes to you Christa and your pack


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## cgriffin

I heard this song for the first time last night and I burst out in tears.

I think we all have felt like that when we were losing our heart dogs/fur babies.

Here we go, crying again. I remember several months before Toby even was showing signs of all his arthritis issues plus everything else coming, I would whisper in his ears at night "NOT to get sick and die". When he got sick I told him that I would make him better, to hold on and fight. That was a promise I could not keep, I don't consider letting him go, making him better. I think Toby would have very much wanted to stay with me.


----------



## Karen519

*Toby*



cgriffin said:


> I heard this song for the first time last night and I burst out in tears.
> 
> I think we all have felt like that when we were losing our heart dogs/fur babies.
> 
> Here we go, crying again. I remember several months before Toby even was showing signs of all his arthritis issues plus everything else coming, I would whisper in his ears at night "NOT to get sick and die". When he got sick I told him that I would make him better, to hold on and fight. That was a promise I could not keep, I don't consider letting him go, making him better. I think Toby would have very much wanted to stay with me.
> 
> Tears Of An Angel - Lyrics - YouTube


What a beautiful song! I cried, too.


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## HolDaisy

Karen519 said:


> What a beautiful song! I cried, too.


Same here


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## hubbub

I have had a busy last few weeks and wanted to let you know that when I crash on the couch to rest a bit at night, I think of the picture of Toby you posted lounging so comfortably on his spot. I'm not quite as relaxed as he was, but it always brings a smile to my face.


----------



## *Laura*

Hi Christa. Sending a hug to you


----------



## Buddy's mom forever

Christa, please remember we had angels with us for very short time. Now they are just one the other bank of the river called life waiting for us. Yes we will have to go downstream and upstream of the river and they will be walking on their said and watching us. When we are ready they will just show us that perfect place for crossing and we will be together again, this time forever.
Hugs.


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## swishywagga

Buddy's mom forever said:


> Christa, please remember we had angels with us for very short time. Now they are just one the other bank of the river called life waiting for us. Yes we will have to go downstream and upstream of the river and they will be walking on their said and watching us. When we are ready they will just show us that perfect place for crossing and we will be together again, this time forever.
> Hugs.


These words are beautiful. Christa I hope you have a good weekend with some smiles and happy memory moments. Hugs!


----------



## Sweet Girl

Hi Christa.. just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you the last few days. Sending you a big hug.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all. I appreciate it.
I wish you all a good weekend.


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## Karen519

*Christa*

Prayers with you!


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## GoldensGirl

cgriffin said:


> I...When he got sick I told him that I would make him better, to hold on and fight. That was a promise I could not keep, I don't consider letting him go, making him better. I think Toby would have very much wanted to stay with me.


Ah, Christa, Toby is still with you and he always will be. He is in his favorite spot, waiting for you to realize he's right there, deep in your heart. He will be with you every single day for the rest of your life and beyond. That's how love works. He watches over you, waiting for you to remember him with a smile instead of tears, knowing that will take a while and that smiles and tears may mingle for a long time.

Take your time, hon. There's no hurrying grief. In my experience with my fur people, the ones that I fought with and for the hardest are the ones I weep for years after they have become invisible to everyone else.

Holding you gently in my heart and in my prayers...


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## cgriffin

I took this picture a year ago. Toby had just woken up from a nap. How I miss that sweet face!
At about this time, he had started limping on and off on his right front leg, which we found out later was arthritis related, possibly ED.
I miss my boy so much, it hurts.


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## Dallas Gold

That's a beautiful photo of your boy. I bet you treasure it a lot.


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## hubbub

I love how in this picture, Toby's sugar face really highlights the feathering on this chest. He almost looks like a lion - quite regal and ready to be loved and admired. My heart aches for you. I think the physical manifestation of heartache is very real though. 

How are Dachsi and Thunder doing?


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## Karen519

*Toby*

What a wonderful picture of Toby.
I am so SORRY-I know how much you miss him!


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## cgriffin

Thank you all.

Hubbub, funny you called Toby's neck feathering a lion's mane. That is what I always called it  When all brushed out, it looked so beautiful 
I used to brush him out every day. Once we added dog number three and getting busier I was slacking a bit and I feel so bad for it. Toby loved getting brushed out. It was his 'me' time 
After his surgeries brushing took a backseat because he could not move around as in rolling from one side to the other to be brushed, I picked it back up once he recovered. Then when his arthritis issues got worse again, brushing was not as easy for him, so I just did a quick job and did not make him get up and roll over for it etc. and he did not like being brushed as much anymore. I guess it was painful.

He really used to love his brushy time, it so relaxed him. I feel so bad for him still and I think life is pretty darn unfair


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## swishywagga

Christa, that is a beautiful photo of Toby, what a sweet precious boy. I feel so sad for you and pray with all my heart that things will start to get a little easier for you. You are always in my thoughts. Hugs x


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you so much, it means a lot.

Hubbub, I forgot to answer your question about Thunder and Dachsi.
Both are well. Thunder has been aging a lot and fast. He is not as eager to play with Dachsi. Both have been laying around a lot sleeping, I am hoping with fall and winter not too far off, they will start playing more and enjoying the outdoors more.
I never realized that Toby was the life of the party, the heart of the house till he was gone. He was the first one to want to go outside and spend hours just laying in the yard, relaxing, watching the birds, chewing on his nylabone or was the first one to want to go for a walk. 

Thunder had his geriatric profile done last month, all was good, also no tick borne diseases. He has been sprouting more and more lumps and bumps. I am hoping that most are lipomas, but given his age, I don't know. Given his age almost 12 1/2, I am chosing not to have him cut around on or needle biopsies done on the lumps and bumps. He would look like a patchwork quilt. If anything would come back cancer, I would not chose to do chemo or radiation therapy. Given Thunder's age and him not being as stoic, easy going, not as pain tolerant as a Golden, I think this would only further and increase his decline. For now he is happy, loves to eat, LOVES to beg and goes for walks and the occasional play with Dachsi. He has quality of life, so I am choosing quality over quantity with him. All this said, in case he had cancer, an 'if' scenario. 
Am I wrong? I don't know. I just know that I did all I could for Toby and it was still not enough to keep him from dying, it was out of my hands. Still, I felt like I let him down, felt guilty, the 'what ifs' questions, I still feel this way, still ask those questions. Seems no matter what we do or not do, grief will make us feel guilty and question every decision we made, regardless.
I don't know if all of this makes sense. 

Dachsi often runs around the house like a maniac late in the evening, then he will get a rise out of Thunder and Thunder will chase him a bit. Dachsi is still young, guessing about 3 years old. 
I was sitting out with the two boys last night. Dachsi started running around the gazebo in circles and Thunder started chasing him, it was so nice to see. I hope they will keep it up. I know Thunder is starting to show signs of arthritis, he is on supplements and I still have some pain meds leftover from Toby that I can use.

Anyway, I hope that I will not lose Thunder any time soon, I could not bear to lose him too. 
Last year, after Thunder had two surgeries to remove a mass from his leg which turned out to be fibrosarcoma, I was thinking to myself: "Will this year be Thunder's last Christmas? "
I never even thought, it never occurred to me in my wildest dreams that it would be Toby's last Christmas. 
Life is just so unpredictable and yes, very unfair.


----------



## *Laura*

I love Toby's sweet face. He was truly beautiful. And I hope Thunder remains healthy despite the lumps. I always think of you.


----------



## cgriffin

Thanks, Laura. Laura, I am so sorry that you had lost your Maddie so unexpectedly and too soon as well. 

Thunder has been getting lipomas for the past 4 years, had some of them aspirated as they appeared over time. I am keeping an eye on all his lumps and always point out all lumps when I take Thunder to the vet. I don't want to come across as if I don't have Thunder's best interest at heart. 

Toby only had one a couple of small lipomas, I guess it depends greatly on genetics as well with those.


----------



## hubbub

cgriffin said:


> Hubbub, funny you called Toby's neck feathering a lion's mane. That is what I always called it  When all brushed out, it looked so beautiful
> I used to brush him out every day. Once we added dog number three and getting busier I was slacking a bit and I feel so bad for it. Toby loved getting brushed out. It was his 'me' time
> 
> After his surgeries brushing took a backseat because he could not move around as in rolling from one side to the other to be brushed, I picked it back up once he recovered. Then when his arthritis issues got worse again, brushing was not as easy for him, so I just did a quick job and did not make him get up and roll over for it etc. and he did not like being brushed as much anymore. I guess it was painful.
> 
> He really used to love his brushy time, it so relaxed him. I feel so bad for him still and I think life is pretty darn unfair


Thank you so much for sharing this - over the years Hannah's become less tolerant of brushing (she was never a big fan) and I also felt like it must be bothersome in some way to her. For now, she'll let me brush her neck, under her ears and the feathering on her back legs without complaint - everything else just gets a *very* quick swipe. 

I'm also glad to hear that Thunder and Dachsi are doing well. I imagine their more subdued demeanor is in part due to the grief they feel and sense from you as well. We're also waiting for cooler weather to allow us to get out and about again. You mentioned not realized that Toby was the life of the party - I think he innately knew how to inspire without bringing too much attention to himself - it's probably what drew you to him in the first place 

I understand your fretting over the Thunder's lumps and bumps. There is not one thing wrong with choosing quality over quantity. Hannah will be 12.5 next month and every day I tell myself that I want to make sure it's a quality day. Sure, some days are better than others and some days just aren't that great, but I make sure there's quality in them. It sounds like Thunder's days are full of quality. 

Dachsi sounds like a silly boy! I hope he continues to encourage a bit of play with Thunder and brings a smile to your face when you least expect it. 

Oh yes, life is so unpredictable and, at times, unfair. To be honest, I've had this post open on my computer since the weekend because I wanted to try to find the *right* words, so I'm sorry for the delay. I can only imagine your grief, but sense it with many of your posts. From my experience, I can say that it feels overwhelming, suffocating and perhaps even a bit claustrophobic. I'll want to scream, cry, curl up in a ball and throw things about all at the same time. It's hard to travel this road. 

I think that anyone who knows the story of you and Toby will know that you made each and every decision for him with love and compassion and that it was the best decision you could make with the information you had. It sounds very rational for me to say, I know - and, I also know that the time will come (hopefully not anytime soon) when you and others will be saying similar things to me - and I'll probably hate to hear it. I would especially like to say that I appreciate the loving support that you have continued to provide me and others here on GRF following Toby's passing. It's a wonderful thing and a true testament to you and a beautiful way to honor Toby and carry his caring nature forward to others.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you so much, Hubbub, I don't even know your real name.

I am sitting here balling again. So many things you said, are right on the money. Grief is overwhelming, suffocating, extremely painful and so often I want to curl up in a ball or throw things. I think I am still screaming on the inside. 

And yes, in grief, at times you don't register what people say, they mean well, but it does not get through - the pain overshadows everything.

I also do sense that Thunder and Dachsi are still grieving and are also influenced by my sadness. 

Thank you so much for your kind words, I don't know what to really say but 'thank you'.

I also hope that sweet Hannah will be around for a long time to come and live with happiness and quality of life.

Thank you again.


----------



## Lucky Penny

I love the picture of Toby. I just want to go up and kiss that face. Thunder is a strong boy, he has been through so much. He and Dachsi will learn that they now have to be the life of the party. I hope that the cooler weather gets them playing more. Do they enjoy the water at all?


----------



## *Laura*

Christa - wishing you a good weekend.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you Lauren and Laura. 

I also wish everybody a nice weekend 

For the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking more about possibly adding a golden pup. I am so conflicted. I miss the closeness of a golden but I know it won't be Toby. I miss Toby terribly, sometimes I think it gets worse, maybe I came to realize the finality of it all. I don't know. 

As my heart aches, I also have to think about that I still have two other furry kids, maybe I should just be contend with what I have. 
Thunder is almost 12 1/2 and slowing down. I do think he still misses Toby. He is getting more of a Velcro dog in the house, always by my feet. He does not play as much with Dachsi anymore. Would it be too much for him to add a pup? I don't know. I don't want him to retreat into himself, like he has done in the past and feel neglected or replaced. He loved Toby, he loves Dachsi. Would he be able to adjust to a pup? 
I was thinking, about that Thunder taught Toby and Dachsi so much. I would love for Thunder to pass his knowledge on to a pup, teach him like he taught the others. Would it make a difference that we still have Dachsi, could Dachsi keep the roughhousing attention directed away from Thunder? 

Then speaking of Dachsi, he is still young only about 3 1/2 years. He does not play as much, he tries to get Thunder to chase him, sometimes he succeeds. I try to play with him, but often Mom is not good enough. I guess I can't play rough like a dog 
He seems to have grown up as a pup around other dogs. I took him in when he was about 8 months old. He has never met a dog he does not like. I can see that he is bored, I think he would thrive with a pup around. For a little guy he is pretty tough and can stand up to the big dogs.

There are so many things running around in my mind and heart, so many things and other lives to consider. 

I still cry over Toby daily, my heart has not healed. I don't know if I am ready. In the back of my mind, I am still thinking "would I cheat on Toby and his memory if I bring another golden into the house, what would Toby think?"

I also can't bear the thought of Toby's memories being pushed into the background. I know he is always in my heart, but we all know, with time memories and pictures will fade into the background. Yes, there are special times that everything comes back so clear and we see or hear something and it so reminds us of a loved one that has passed. I know so many things Toby did, reminded me of his uncle 'Sam', my golden before Toby. It made me smile. But so many of Sam's memories are so far back in the past, it makes me sad. 
Recently, when I added the one picture of Sam, it was the first time in years that I saw pictures of him again. It startled me a bit because I had forgotten some things about his look and how different he had looked from Toby. Oh, I could see the similarities but he was so dark in color, a bit bigger than Toby, but also 'oh so sweet' 

Will that be with my memories of Toby? Will I get a pup, Toby is pushed in the background? Right now the thought hurts. I know Toby is gone, he is not coming back, I should move on but my heart aches and says "NO". 

So, I am wondering, am I ready? Should I just be contend with what I have and wait? I am wondering what would happen if Thunder suddenly got sick and passed? What would it do to me? What would it do to Dachsi?

I cannot answer these questions right now. I am more confused than ever. I really don't know what to do. 

I want to visit a few dog shows coming up in the area in the next 4 weeks. I think seeing some breeders and their dogs may help for the future with finding our next member of the family, give me an idea what is out there.

I do think, the first time I see and pet a golden again, I will most certainly burst out in tears. I know that will make me want another.

Anyway, I know this is a long post but I needed to write it down. I already had some input from a dear friend on the forum which was very much appreciated. She certainly gave me a lot to think about. 

Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions are appreciated.

Thank you all so much for your continued support and thanks for reading and bearing with me.


----------



## Karen519

*Christa*



cgriffin said:


> Thank you Lauren and Laura.
> 
> I also wish everybody a nice weekend
> 
> For the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking more about possibly adding a golden pup. I am so conflicted. I miss the closeness of a golden but I know it won't be Toby. I miss Toby terribly, sometimes I think it gets worse, maybe I came to realize the finality of it all. I don't know.
> 
> As my heart aches, I also have to think about that I still have two other furry kids, maybe I should just be contend with what I have.
> Thunder is almost 12 1/2 and slowing down. I do think he still misses Toby. He is getting more of a Velcro dog in the house, always by my feet. He does not play as much with Dachsi anymore. Would it be too much for him to add a pup? I don't know. I don't want him to retreat into himself, like he has done in the past and feel neglected or replaced. He loved Toby, he loves Dachsi. Would he be able to adjust to a pup?
> I was thinking, about that Thunder taught Toby and Dachsi so much. I would love for Thunder to pass his knowledge on to a pup, teach him like he taught the others. Would it make a difference that we still have Dachsi, could Dachsi keep the roughhousing attention directed away from Thunder?
> 
> Then speaking of Dachsi, he is still young only about 3 1/2 years. He does not play as much, he tries to get Thunder to chase him, sometimes he succeeds. I try to play with him, but often Mom is not good enough. I guess I can't play rough like a dog
> He seems to have grown up as a pup around other dogs. I took him in when he was about 8 months old. He has never met a dog he does not like. I can see that he is bored, I think he would thrive with a pup around. For a little guy he is pretty tough and can stand up to the big dogs.
> 
> There are so many things running around in my mind and heart, so many things and other lives to consider.
> 
> I still cry over Toby daily, my heart has not healed. I don't know if I am ready. In the back of my mind, I am still thinking "would I cheat on Toby and his memory if I bring another golden into the house, what would Toby think?"
> 
> I also can't bear the thought of Toby's memories being pushed into the background. I know he is always in my heart, but we all know, with time memories and pictures will fade into the background. Yes, there are special times that everything comes back so clear and we see or hear something and it so reminds us of a loved one that has passed. I know so many things Toby did, reminded me of his uncle 'Sam', my golden before Toby. It made me smile. But so many of Sam's memories are so far back in the past, it makes me sad.
> Recently, when I added the one picture of Sam, it was the first time in years that I saw pictures of him again. It startled me a bit because I had forgotten some things about his look and how different he had looked from Toby. Oh, I could see the similarities but he was so dark in color, a bit bigger than Toby, but also 'oh so sweet'
> 
> Will that be with my memories of Toby? Will I get a pup, Toby is pushed in the background? Right now the thought hurts. I know Toby is gone, he is not coming back, I should move on but my heart aches and says "NO".
> 
> So, I am wondering, am I ready? Should I just be contend with what I have and wait? I am wondering what would happen if Thunder suddenly got sick and passed? What would it do to me? What would it do to Dachsi?
> 
> I cannot answer these questions right now. I am more confused than ever. I really don't know what to do.
> 
> I want to visit a few dog shows coming up in the area in the next 4 weeks. I think seeing some breeders and their dogs may help for the future with finding our next member of the family, give me an idea what is out there.
> 
> I do think, the first time I see and pet a golden again, I will most certainly burst out in tears. I know that will make me want another.
> 
> Anyway, I know this is a long post but I needed to write it down. I already had some input from a dear friend on the forum which was very much appreciated. She certainly gave me a lot to think about.
> 
> Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions are appreciated.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your continued support and thanks for reading and bearing with me.


Perhaps fostering for Golden Retriever Rescue would be the best of both worlds for you and Thunder and Dachsi.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you for your input, Karen. It is so much appreciated.

I fostered a collie several years ago, it was so hard to give him up again. I think with a golden, I would be a foster failure for sure. And there are only so many dogs one can keep 

I think somehow, Thunder would be a lot more tolerant with a pup than an adult dog.

That said, I am just looking at Thunder. He is so hard in rising this morning, I think he is starting to get arthritis. I so do not want to stress him or do anything to make him feel unwanted or add to his decline in health. He is eating, drinking, still likes to go for walks, the occasional chase after Dachsi or a squirrel running through the yard. What would his life be like with a pup? Could I divert the attention of the pup away from Thunder and focusing more on playing with Dachsi and me? Giving Thunder a break when he needs one? 
Pups are a lot of work, luckily early on, they still do sleep a lot and they can be put in a crate or x-pen when not around or when they aggravate the older dogs. On the other hand, would a pup give Thunder a new lease on life? Is that possible at his age?
Oh, I don't know. Right now I am thinking - no not ready for a pup - selfish if you do that to Thunder - heal your heart first, if that is even possible, concentrate on Thunder's golden years. 
I am just back and forth, more confused and irritated at myself.


----------



## Doug

I know exactly how you feel. I had to make the same decision for Tia when she showed signs of slowing down.

Adding a pup is a BIG decision. Speaking for myself if could be the best decision we ever make and enhance all of our lives or it could complete ruin our quiet and content lifestyle. No pup is perfect and it will come with its very own quirk or challenge. Puppies are brutal but noone can deny that they also bring so much laughter and heart melting moments for everyone in the house.

I also understand the cheating feeling that cuts deeply into your soul. It is funny how things work because on the same day as I had felt this unexpected emotion I overheard someone describe true love as someone wanting way more happiness for you than they have themselves. True love is what Toby has for you. He would want you to have this pup. 
Don't you think that it has been him that has worked so hard to open your heart just enough for you to even consider the thought? Don't you think that he has met and has been training the perfect pup for you and planting these seeds in your head? I also think that Dachsi and Thunder also share this true love for you and desperately want to see your magic smile more often no matter what it takes.

I have always said that when the time is right a pup will find you. You feel a tapping on your heart. I think that this is what we are both feeling. It reminds me that yet again we are not in control. There is more going on to life that we can see. We could not control the passing of our loved ones and in a way *if it is meant to be* our new additions will be licking our faces before we know it. 

All I know is that is was never a mistake to invite a new member of our family to our lives in the past. I know that Dachsi would love it. I can imagine the antics of those two already with Thunder laughing from the sidelines and quite often not being able to resist joining in too!! LOL!

From someone looking in from an objective standpoint I think that a pup is exactly what you all need. Thunder would love to see nothing more than you and Dachsi laugh and play again which is what this little one will do 

If Thunder was in obvious pain or was aggressive to other dogs I would seriously hesitate but this does not seem to be the case. Even if he is slowing down this might be what he needs to distract him of his arthritis. I am certain that we got to enjoy Tia for that bit longer (3years) because of Hudson. She saw the world with fresh eyes, it gave her a reason to live and play again. You will need to step in and protect Thunder and establish boundaries for this little one but i am confident that you can handle this. I feel that your new guy will be more focussed on Dachsi.

Be aware that instead of pushing the memories of Toby aside a new pup will do the opposite and bring them all back again. Your thoughts will be consumed about how Toby would have reacted as if he was standing right beside you. You will hear yourself say how similar they are or how Toby would _never_ have done that. This is a positive thing. Toby will never be replaced and you will always miss him, a new pup will not change that. The tears will still flow.

I see this new ray of sunshine as a positive move and I know that you think the same for me. Life is about taking chances and keeping our hearts open and seeking out loving opportunities. When the time is right Toby and Tia will send the stork. If it is not meant to be right now there will be too many obstacles with the breeder or Thunder will send clear messages through his encounters with other dogs. 

Oh gosh I just had a vision of Toby, Tia and our two little ones together excitedly laughing and scheming together like little children planning a grand surprise.

In the meantime we will keep our hearts open to sunshine and watch this space with anticipation.

Enjoy Thunder and Dachsi today and surrender the rest to Tobs


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you so much for your thoughts, Julie, I appreciate it.

Gosh, I wish I had your outlook and your faith. Both are pretty hard to come by with me right now. 
So much going on in my mind and my heart, I suppose like you said "what is meant to be will happen".

I am excited for you also thinking about adding another little one. I am sure it would give you and Hudson some great joy. He is still so young, I have no worries about him getting a furry brother or sister. I am sure he would be so happy and so good in teaching a young pup the ropes 

The picture of Tia and Toby together makes me smile


----------



## hubbub

I can understand your conflicted feelings - absolutely. 

For my situation, I know that a second dog is not the right choice - Hannah's is so bound by her routine and has had a few close fur-friends over the years, but simply prefers people. Of course, she's happy to visit, but when she's done, she will simply get up and walk to the door to be let inside or the door of a friend's house signalling her desire to leave and go back to her house. You can't help but laugh when you see her do it - no shame, she doesn't care how rude she looks - she is just done. :uhoh:

However, a friend and her husband decided to add a third dog to their crew. Their two dogs were 11 and 5 and the 5 year old ruled the house. She played rough and was not easily winded. They were concerned about the older girl and adopted a border collie mix who was about 5 months old. Indeed the new pup played hard with the 5 year old, but she was SO gentle with their oldest girl. The funniest part was that the pup really tended to the old girl and together they toppled the 5 year old from her post. With the new pup as backup, their older girl had an amazing 18 month reign as top dog - she played a bit more, enjoyed chewing on her bones and just looked happier. It was, as someone else mentioned, as if the pup allowed her to see the world again through fresh eyes. 

After she passed, the now 7 year old reclaimed her spot until she passed from hemangio a few years later. 

Just take things slowly and don't feel rushed. Toby took his time with things and he would want you to do the same.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you so much for your input 

I can understand Hannah, that is exactly how my 'Sam' was, Toby's uncle. He liked to visit and have furry visitors but as long as they left again 
He was perfectly happy as a single dog. 
Funny story about him, when we were stationed in Germany, Sam had a black lab girlfriend that also belonged to an American. We would walk together daily. One time, the owners took a trip and I was dogsitting for "Maggie". All was well till the next day. I guess Sam decided she overstayed her welcome and he started taking every toy away from her, that she grabbed out of his toy box. He was not aggressive, he just took it and put it away, like some spoiled single child, lol. Then Maggie started to pout and ignored Sam. Well, Sam did not like that at all and was trying to get into her good graces again. Back and forth it went, it was a funny and long week 

Toby never knew how to be a single dog, but he still was a mama's boy, my Velcro dog. He knew how to play well with Thunder and later Dachsi, but he was still fixated on me and accompanying me into the orchard, to the bird feeders and so on, when the other two preferred to stay in the yard or house Toby was my boy and he still is my boy in my heart, it hurts and it is hard to write or talk about him in the past tense. 

Thank you again


----------



## HolDaisy

cgriffin said:


> On the other hand, would a pup give Thunder a new lease on life? Is that possible at his age?


When we lost Daisy our 8yr old GSD Eddie was so depressed. He loved her and spent months after searching for her, it was heartbreaking. We thought that a new pup might lift his spirits a little...and Sammy has done exactly that. He genuinely has given Eddie a new lease of life. They get on so well, they love walks together and Sammy has made him so happy again. Sammy has learnt lots from him and is so respectful to his big brother. If Thunder loves other dogs like you say then I think that it is totally possible that a new pup would lift his spirits - it sounds like he has done a great job teaching the other dogs 



Doug said:


> Don't you think that it has been him that has worked so hard to open your heart just enough for you to even consider the thought? Don't you think that he has met and has been training the perfect pup for you and planting these seeds in your head?
> 
> Be aware that instead of pushing the memories of Toby aside a new pup will do the opposite and bring them all back again.


Both of these things are so true! When we lost Daisy I tried to remember every single about her - funny things she did, stories, tricks she did and wrote them all down because I was scared that I would forget stuff. I know your worry that a new pup would push Sam and Toby's memories further back...but honestly it wouldn't. Sammy does things sometimes like Daisy that I forgot about and I always say to him 'Ahh Auntie Daisy has been talking to you again hasn't she?' 

It is definitely Toby sending you the strength to even be considering another golden. For a year we were like golden stalkers (lol). Every time we saw one we just had to go and say hello and give it a fuss and it was great to be with goldies again. Goldens were appearing everywhere - the shops, when out driving and even on holiday in Spain, we were sure Daisy was trying to tell us something.

I think that Toby would love for you to welcome another golden into your home in the not too distant future. You gave him such a wonderful life, you'd be honouring his memory by offering another such a loving home. It's a huge decision so think it through and when you're ready make some enquiries. I think that beautiful Toby would be extremely happy for you and when the time is right he'll have a very special pup planned to send your way. Sammy has helped us so much. I didn't think another golden would find their into our hearts so easily...but yep he's gone and done it


----------



## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> I still cry over Toby daily, my heart has not healed. I don't know if I am ready.* In the back of my mind, I am still thinking "would I cheat on Toby and his memory if I bring another golden into the house, what would Toby think?"*
> 
> *I also can't bear the thought of Toby's memories being pushed into the background.* I know he is always in my heart, but we all know, with time memories and pictures will fade into the background. Yes, there are special times that everything comes back so clear and we see or hear something and it so reminds us of a loved one that has passed. I know so many things Toby did, reminded me of his uncle 'Sam', my golden before Toby. It made me smile. But so many of Sam's memories are so far back in the past, it makes me sad.
> Recently, when I added the one picture of Sam, it was the first time in years that I saw pictures of him again. It startled me a bit because I had forgotten some things about his look and how different he had looked from Toby. Oh, I could see the similarities but he was so dark in color, a bit bigger than Toby, but also 'oh so sweet'
> 
> Will that be with my memories of Toby? Will I get a pup, Toby is pushed in the background? Right now the thought hurts. I know Toby is gone, he is not coming back, I should move on but my heart aches and says "NO".
> 
> So, I am wondering, am I ready? Should I just be contend with what I have and wait? I am wondering what would happen if Thunder suddenly got sick and passed? What would it do to me? What would it do to Dachsi?
> 
> I cannot answer these questions right now. I am more confused than ever. I really don't know what to do.
> 
> 
> Thank you all so much for your continued support and thanks for reading and bearing with me.


I had these exact thoughts and worries after Tesia died, too. I had always said and believed that I would never, could never have another dog after Tesia. She was my absolute heart and soul and the perfect dog for me. But I realized suprisingly soon after she died that I really missed having a dog. I knew I would always miss Tesia - that would never change. But that was separate from missing a DOG. I missed doing all the things I loved doing with Tee - playing ball, going for long walks in the woods, going to the beach. So I began to realize I would probably need to get another dog. I thought about GR Rescue, but something just wasn't feeling right. Then Tito had his birthday, and I started to read about him, and then about the female he was to br bred to, and it just felt right. They both had so many of the qualities that I loved about Tesia. I knew there could never be another Tesia, but I felt like, getting a Tito X Abby puppy was putting the odds in my favour that they would have some of the same qualities.

As soon as I decided to get a puppy, my heart started to heal. Instead of thinking about the sadness of losing Tesia, I started to think about the new puppy and everything that would involve. I didn't stop thinking about Tesia - but I started to think about her differently. Not with sadness, but with almost gratitude. I was so lucky to have had her, and because of her, I needed to get another Golden who would be like her. Looking forward to my new puppy really helped get me out of the sadness, which was a good thing. I still have pitcures of Tesia everywhere - and I think about her everyday (and call Shala Tesia every so often). I definitely talked to her in my mind. 

Shala is not Tesia, but there are things she does that remind me so much of Tesia. She is much more velcro than Tesia was - which has been so good for me. She is very snuggly and she loves to lie beside me with her head or paws resting on me. Whereas Tesia loved her crate and was very independent, Shala hated her crate and screamed and howled when I left her sight. Tesia was very bitey and jumped and pulled on the leash. Shala walks really well on leash and chills out when we are meeting people (she jumps if she is really excited to see the person, but I am able to calm her pretty easily. And while she _is_ a GR, she is not nearly as bitey as Tee was. 

It's been really fun seeing the differences and watching Shala grow up. I don't really remember the early Tesia months - other than she was really bitey and headstrong. So I feel like I'm getting a second chance at puppyhood - the good and the bad!

The most important thing - I have never once regretted deciding to get Shala. She had a hard first few weeks as she was sick, but it made me love and want to protect and help her even more. I adore her already (I adored her the first week). And that has NOT pushed Tee out of my heart. I feel like my heart has just grown bigger because of Shala.

I hope this helps in your thinking and deciding. You can ask me anything about it all.


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate it.

I think if I did not have any dogs, the situation would be different, might come a bit easier. I certainly miss having that golden smile around, but I am still worried about Thunder and what if a pup is too much for him. My grieving heart is also not one hundred percent sure right now. 
I guess I will see what happens, if time brings clarity and a nudge from fate aka Toby.


----------



## Lucky Penny

I think it would be a nice thing to add a golden pup to your family. When Luna came in, Penny was fighting cancer and older. However, Penny got some spunk brought back to her I never knew was still there! Luna helped Penny’s spirit and Penny taught Luna so much. Plus I knew that it was best for me to get another dog before Penny passed. It would of been hard for me to not have a dog at all.

I can see Thunder teaching the new puppy so much. I can see the puppy bringing some spunk back into Thunder. I also see Dachsi full of excitement with the bounds of energy in the house. Lastly, I can imagine how much joy a golden pup can bring to your life. A pup would never replace Toby. In fact I am sure he would want you to have another golden pup. I bet he has the right one already picked out for you and is sending it your way.  

Like others, I too can understand how hard it is trying to go on with life without our lost loved goldens. Something that I have been doing since Penny has passed and has helped me is looking at a different picture of Penny every day. In fact, I post the picture on Facebook and call it “A Penny a Day”. I post a picture of her and write about what memory that picture brings to me. It has helped me a lot with my healing process. Maybe you could try looking at pictures of Toby every day?

I think visiting some dogs shows is a great idea. It may be emotional, but it will help with your decision on getting a golden pup. I wish I lived closer, I would visit with Luna! Hugs to you, Thunder, and Dachsi.


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## cgriffin

Thank you so much for your input and kind words, Lauren.
I think of you and your Penny often and hope you are doing good. I am so glad that you still have Luna. 

I do look at pictures of Toby daily, and often look at all the videos I made of him. It still makes me cry - I just miss him so much 

The first dog show coming up is this weekend. It is a couple of hours drive away in Kentucky, I will see if hubby and I can make it.

Thanks again


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## Lucky Penny

It certainly is hard to look at those pictures and videos.  the dog show could be a nice trip with the hubby. 

Thanks for thinking of Penny and I. I still find it hard to believe Toby is gone.


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## cgriffin

Thank you, Lauren.
I still find it hard to believe that Toby is gone as well


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## cgriffin

My Toby, last night, I was holding you close again in my arms, it helped me fall asleep. I miss you!


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## Lucky Penny

He sleeps with you every night.


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## cgriffin

5 months today, I still cannot believe it. 
But, I have resigned myself to accepting, that Toby will never come back. I am still heartsick over losing him, I am still angry as well. I still cry daily for him.

Sometimes I get so tired and worn over grieving for him, I literally try to block it all out.

Life is just not the same without my Toby


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## CAROLINA MOM

Christa, I'm so sorry. The grief process is a slow, long, painful journey. It's different for everyone and the amount of time it takes is different for us all. 


The first anniversary of my boy was really hard for me, I was really dreading it. I miss him everyday, think of him of everyday and still wish he was with me. 

I found peace in knowing that he is no longer suffering and that he's whole again and enjoying life like he did when he was young. He's always with me, I can feel his presence and he lives in my heart and my memories. I know one day we will be together again. 

We were blessed with 15.5 wonderful years with him, I know my life was better having shared it with him. 

Be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve, let your heart heal. 

Hugs to you.


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## swishywagga

Christa, you are always in my thoughts, sending special hugs across to you. Take good care of yourself.


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you on this sad day 
I still think of Daisy and miss her every single day, that won't ever change so know how you must be feeling. It will get better but sometimes takes a long time. Toby is watching over you all the time and will be with you in spirit forever. Sending you hugs from me and Sammy.


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## Lucky Penny

It is so so hard.  Some days are better then others. Some days we cry the whole day. We loved them so, it hurts so bad. I know your pain.


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## *Laura*

Christa I wanted to stop by and say hi. I hope you're having a nice weekend


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## swishywagga

Hello Christa, hoping your ok, and that you have a good weekend with some smiles.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all for thinking of me, I appreciate it. I also wish everybody a great weekend.


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## HolDaisy

Also just wanted to say hi to you


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## cgriffin

I think I had a sign from Toby today  May sound silly but.... I never knew we had Armadillos in TN till we mowed here. I have only seen dead ones along the highway and always thought: I would love to see an armadillo alive and running around, especially on our property. - I don't know a thing about them, and they are something new to me. -

A few minutes ago, I was refilling the hummingbird feeders and I heard my doggy boys barking and carrying on and I stepped to the front of the house. I could not believe it - four young armadillos were walking around looking for insects - at least I think that is what they were doing- so cute and interesting  I went and got my camera but the little guys had already gotten back into the brush, I got closer and watched them, but could not get any good pictures - only have pictures of their backs because they kept digging I the ground with their claws and snouts 

May be silly, but I take this as a message, a present from Toby  tears falling

Thank you Toby, mama loves you so much


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## swishywagga

Oh Christa, how beautiful, I definately have no doubt that this was a sign from Toby. I am so glad you had this very special moment. Hugs to you all x


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## Owner of Mocha

Good luck Toby! I hope the treatment will help you get better ❣ ❣

We ?you ❣


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## Owner of Mocha

I am so sorry for your loss. Toby is in a better place, but I believe that he will always be by your side, forever and always. 
We ? you Toby ❣


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## cgriffin

Thank you both 

I just remembered: the last toy I bought for Toby was an "armadillo". He actually did not like it as much because it was not fuzzy and soft like the other toys, lol. I celebrate Thunder and Dachsi's birthday along with Toby's birthday. I don't know their birthdates since they were rescued dogs but estimate puts them in being born around March - therefore both had birthdays on March 12 with Toby. 
I bought three plushies: an armadillo, a hedgehog and some long thing with a doggie head and hind end. Toby liked the hedgehog more because it was so soft and fuzzy. Thunder grabbed the hedgehog first, Toby had the armadillo and Dachsi the doggy thing. They played switch the toys and Toby took the hedgehog when he got the chance, lol. 

But odd, I just walked into the kitchen and the armadillo plushie was lying on the floor, Dachsi had played with it


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## Owner of Mocha

Your welcome! 
? ? ? ? ?


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## *Laura*

cgriffin said:


> Thank you both
> 
> But odd, I just walked into the kitchen and the armadillo plushie was lying on the floor, Dachsi had played with it


Christa....I just got goosebumps.


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## Brinkleythegolden

Yep, I'm sure that was Toby giving you a sign. It's a strange yet comforting feeling, isn't it?


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## cgriffin

Yes, very comforting  I have not had a sign from Toby in a while. I keep asking him to send me a sign and be obvious about it, lol.


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## cgriffin

Here are the armadillo pictures, not too great but you can tell what it is:


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## Lucky Penny

It sure was a sign from Toby today. Makes me smile  Love the pictures. What did your boys think of them?


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## Doug

Whoa those photos are amazing. You live in such a wonderful part of the world


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## dborgers

cgriffin said:


> Yes, very comforting  I have not had a sign from Toby in a while. I keep asking him to send me a sign and be obvious about it, lol.


He did. And couldn't have been more obvious about it.  I hope you got a big smile on your face. Very nice photos 

I had no idea we had armadillos here in TN. Learn something new every day ...


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## Dallas Gold

We have armadillos here but they are usually dead in the middle of the road. It's interesting to see some alive! Toby sent you some signs for sure!


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## cgriffin

Thank you all 

Lauren to your question: Both boys barked and barked, Thunder then just started watching and whining a bit but Dachsi kept barking and barking. They had never seen an armadillo either 

Julie: I think you live in an absolutely interesting country, maybe some day I get to travel there... I am not holding my breath though, lol. 

Yep, Danny. I did not know that we had armadillos in TN till we saw a dead one on the side of the road close to the Natchez Trace Parkway in Franklin, where we lived at the time. 

Anne, prior to this, I only saw road kill armadillos as well 

I am trying to keep my camera handy to take more pictures or a video if I see them again  

What will Toby send me next? I told my youngest sister in Germany and she replied: Be careful what you wish to see, you might wake up to an Elephant or Tiger in the yard. Toby will have meant well


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## Lucky Penny

Dachsi and Thunder surely enjoyed the present from Toby! How fun it must of been for them!


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## cgriffin

Oh Toby, I just really miss you


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## swishywagga

Christa, just wanted to wish you a happy weekend, hoping you are ok x


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## cgriffin

Thanks, yeah, I am okay, just missing my boy, especially sitting outside with the other two just relaxing. Toby loved being outside. 
I also wish you a good weekend.


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## *Laura*

Wishing you have a good weekend Christa. ((hugs))


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## cgriffin

Thanks Laura, wishing you the same


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## dborgers

Same from us, Christa  

Dontcha love this "Hawaii weather" time of year - spring and fall?


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## cgriffin

Thanks, Danny. It has been raining for the past four hours here, but it is still warm, I guess could be spring and fall at the same time, lol.
Also wishing you a good weekend


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## HolDaisy

Just wanted to say hi and hope that you're doing okay. I know how much you're missing your beautiful Toby. Have a good weekend!


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## cgriffin

Thank you, doing okay.
I also wish you a good weekend


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## cgriffin

I have been a bit of a mess since yesterday. My sister's old German Shepherd died suddenly and that brought it all back again.

Toby, if you can, take care of your cousin AJ. I love you!


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## swishywagga

Christa, so sorry to read about AJ, am sure that Toby will be looking after his beloved cousin. Hugs sent across from us all x


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## Dallas Gold

Hugs Christa. I am so sorry to hear your sad news.

Sent from Petguide.com Free App


----------



## HolDaisy

Sorry to hear about AJ  I'm sure that Toby will be looking after him.


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## Doug

I'm sure that Tobs was there to meet him
My heart aches for your sister 
Prayers of love and strength have been sent for all of you.


"Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you."


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## Lucky Penny

How hard that must of been for you and your sister. Hugs to you. It is so hard letting them go. Toby was there today, helping your sister's dog pass and there at the other side welcoming him/her to Rainbow Bridge.


----------



## Sweet Girl

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister's dog. It must bring your right back to your own initial sadness. My heart goes out to you both.


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## murphy1

They're running together young and healthy......you'll see them both someday but not for a long long time.


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## cgriffin

Thanks for your support, everybody.

I am feeling better today, of course my sister not so. I have not talked to her, we write back and forth. She is not ready to talk. I understand that because it took me a couple of weeks to actually talk on the phone after Toby's passing. 
I never met AJ, my sister lives in Wichita. But her and me talk every day, so I feel as I knew him. 
My sister visited without AJ before, she met Thunder and Toby and was/is crazy about them both. 

I am glad AJ got to live a long live, he was 13 1/2 years old. He was battling vestibular disease for the past year, with good results. My sister thinks he had a stroke, he passed fast, at home in her arms.
I never expected him to outlive Toby given his age. 

Both boys are sorely missed  Our lives will never be the same.

I am so hoping that my Thunder will keep going strong.


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## Doug

Christa you are a great healer. When your sister is ready your words will be incredibly valuable to her especially since you have just gone through it yourself. 

Wishing a great deal of health and happiness to your crew!


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## cgriffin

6 months today.......... I miss my Toby 

Here are some more random pictures taken over the years... Toby was such a joy... such a sweet goof ball


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## swishywagga

Christa, what beautiful pictures of Toby, such a handsome and adorable golden boy. Today will be hard but I hope you have some happy moments remembering your precious boy. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, take care x


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## CAROLINA MOM

Beautiful pictures of your Toby, he was such a handsome boy. 

My thoughts are with you today, also sending you hugs. 

I'm sorry for the loss of your sister's dog AJ.. I'd like to think all our Bridge babies welcome a new member, show them around, and take care of them.


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## dborgers

Beautiful pictures of Toby. Thinking of you today.


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## Brinkleythegolden

What a handsome boy he was!


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## Doug

What a stunning boy with a solid gold personality to boot


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## HolDaisy

Sorry I missed your post yesterday, and hope that you got through the day okay. The photos of Toby are beautiful, such a handsome golden boy! I especially love the ones of him with his ducky in his mouth, so cute. I know how much you miss him  it's so difficult.


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## cgriffin

Seems like everywhere I look, I imagine seeing Toby being his sweet self, his goofy self.
It makes me smile....now typing this it makes me tear up.


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## *Laura*

Christa I love the pictures of Toby. He was truly majestic. You feel him with you because he is always close by watching over you. ((hugs))

(I'm sorry about AJ. Is your sister doing better?)


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## Lucky Penny

Such a handsome boy. I love the photos with toys in his mouth. So cute.


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## hubbub

I can't believe it's been six months since Toby passed away. Loving the picture of Toby laying on one couch, but resting his head on another!


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## cgriffin

Thank you all for the kind words 

It is comforting to see him everywhere, even if just imagined. 

With the six months came a little less pain, I can think of him and not cry every time, I smile more when I remember him and his funny antics. Even though, I am tearing up when I write about him, like now. 

Since it is mostly close friends on the forum reading this, I would like to tell you that I am on a puppy waiting list. Pregnancy has not been confirmed yet, so it is still early. 

I have to admit I still have mixed feelings about it. Mixed feelings about pushing Toby's memories in the background, mixed feelings about how my oldie Thunder will feel. He is 12 1/2 years old, by the time puppy comes home, he will be almost 13. I hope he won't feel replaced and I hope puppy will not be too much for him. I am not taking this decision lightly at all. I do hope that if I actually go through with it, that puppy will give Thunder a new lease on life, make him feel young again. Puppy could learn so much from Thunder. He taught Toby and Dachsi well 

I have no worries about Dachsi at all. He gets along with any dog and he misses having a real playmate. My hope is that Dachsi will keep puppy occupied where pup won't try to bug Thunder too much. Good thing I am always home to keep an eye on everybody and intervene when pup gets too much and be able to give the older dogs a break. 

So, the waiting game is on to see if there are puppies and then waiting to see if there are enough puppies/males to go around. I am actually on two lists, all females bred to 'Detour' who is "Yogi"s dad (Dallas Gold's pup) so something should happen and then if so, I have to hope to not chicken out. I think I am more ready for a pup than I was a month ago.... I am starting to get used to the idea. I just want to do what is right for the entire family. 
I so hope that Toby will have a paw in this and help me make the right decision 

As to my sister, we talked several times now, she is feeling better, we have cried together, we have reminisced together


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## Sweet Girl

cgriffin said:


> Since it is mostly close friends on the forum reading this, I would like to tell you that I am on a puppy waiting list. Pregnancy has not been confirmed yet, so it is still early.
> 
> I have to admit I still have mixed feelings about it. Mixed feelings about pushing Toby's memories in the background, mixed feelings about how my oldie Thunder will feel. He is 12 1/2 years old, by the time puppy comes home, he will be almost 13. I hope he won't feel replaced and I hope puppy will not be too much for him. I am not taking this decision lightly at all. I do hope that if I actually go through with it, that puppy will give Thunder a new lease on life, make him feel young again. Puppy could learn so much from Thunder. He taught Toby and Dachsi well
> 
> I have no worries about Dachsi at all. He gets along with any dog and he misses having a real playmate. My hope is that Dachsi will keep puppy occupied where pup won't try to bug Thunder too much. Good thing I am always home to keep an eye on everybody and intervene when pup gets too much and be able to give the older dogs a break.
> 
> So, the waiting game is on to see if there are puppies and then waiting to see if there are enough puppies/males to go around. I am actually on two lists, all females bred to 'Detour' who is "Yogi"s dad (Dallas Gold's pup) so something should happen and then if so, I have to hope to not chicken out. I think I am more ready for a pup than I was a month ago.... I am starting to get used to the idea. I just want to do what is right for the entire family.
> I so hope that Toby will have a paw in this and help me make the right decision
> 
> As to my sister, we talked several times now, she is feeling better, we have cried together, we have reminisced together


This is wonderful news, Christa. I am so happy for you. So happy you may be bringing a little bit of furry sunshine home in the next little while.

I also worried about "forgetting" Tesia - just not thinking about only her every second of the day. But I have not forgotten her at all - and it is because of her that I needed to have another dog. You will see glimmers of Toby in your new pup - and you will see such differences. But the new pup will bring you love and comfort and joy. Toby would be so happy to know you have decided to be happy - he definitely had a paw in this.  

I am so looking forward to hearing updates and sharing the waiting and anticipation with you. Sending you a big hug.


----------



## swishywagga

Christa, I am so thrilled and excited for you, I totally understand you will be having mixed feelings about bringing a new pup into your family, but have no doubt that Toby would be so happy for you!. I am positive that he/she will help heal your heart. Huge hugs coming your way, I am so pleased things are beginning to get a little easier for you, and am so much looking forward to reading all your updates. Take care x


----------



## Doug

This is a very special time Christa. I wish you the very best of luck!!


----------



## Brinkleythegolden

I'm so happy for you! I thought I would forget Fozzie when we got Brinkley, but quite the opposite has happened. Brinkley will do something silly, and I'll remember that Fozzie did it too, or more likely, Fozzie would never have done that!(heehee!) Good luck with everything!


----------



## HolDaisy

I'm so happy to read this news! How exciting. It ia very bittersweet having a another golden, but Toby would want you to be happy again. You are honouring his memory, and I know that he will be so happy for you. Nothing will help to heal your heart like a golden pup, and I shall look forward to following your new journey 

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## dborgers

No one will ever push Toby out of your heart and mind. He'll be happy to see you smile


----------



## hubbub

Your news brought tears to my eyes at work! I had to tell people my allergies were bothering me


----------



## swishywagga

hubbub said:


> Your news brought tears to my eyes at work! I had to tell people my allergies were bothering me


This made me smile, I was all teary as well. So pleased for you Christa!


----------



## dborgers

Where can I send Detour candles and romantic music to help get things rolling? Perhaps a monogrammed smoking jacket as well?


----------



## Lucky Penny

I am so happy that you are going to be bringing a golden baby in the household soon! I think it is what everyone in the household needs. Toby is must certainly influencing this new golden. He has his paws all over this one. And Sweet Girl is right, you will see flashes of him in your new pup. Whenever Luna does something Penny used to do, I say "did Penny tell you to do that?" she just looks at me and wags her tail.

   I can't stop smiling for you!


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you all for the kind words and support. Wow, I think you guys are more excited than me right now 
I am taking everything in stride, if it is meant to happen, it will happen....

Danny, you made me laugh, I don't think Detour needs the romantic music, candles and a smoking jacket anymore, the deed has been done on his part- several times. His job is over 
Now waiting to hear if the one female in Memphis got pregnant, if not, there are two others further away for another chance at a little boy  

Thunder and Dachsi were playing nicely outside this evening, I was so happy to see Thunder frisky and having fun  He has always been such a good big brother 
Toby loved his Thunder brother so much and vise versa


----------



## dborgers

Detour needs a pipe and monogrammed smoking jacket


----------



## Dallas Gold

cgriffin said:


> Thank you all for the kind words and support. Wow, I think you guys are more excited than me right now
> I am taking everything in stride, if it is meant to happen, it will happen....
> 
> Danny, you made me laugh, I don't think Detour needs the romantic music, candles and a smoking jacket anymore, the deed has been done on his part- several times. His job is over
> Now waiting to hear if the one female in Memphis got pregnant, if not, there are two others further away for another chance at a little boy
> 
> Thunder and Dachsi were playing nicely outside this evening, I was so happy to see Thunder frisky and having fun  He has always been such a good big brother
> Toby loved his Thunder brother so much and vise versa


I feel like an expectant Auntie with you on 2 lists for a future Detour puppy! I am beyond thrilled for you! I've gotta say that these Detour puppies are definitely unique and rest assured a Detour baby will not take away from your love of Toby or your memories, but enhance them! Puppy will do something you think was like Toby, but in puppy's own unique way, but the memories of Toby doing it will make you smile. There is really something special about these Detour babies. You really can't go wrong! 


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## Dallas Gold

dborgers said:


> Detour needs a pipe and monogrammed smoking jacket


He definitely does! Yogi's got so many half siblings it isn't funny! Detour's genes are strong and there is a strong family resemblance in all of them!


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## cgriffin

Thanks, Anne  You made me smile 

Thanks for the laugh, Danny


----------



## Brinkleythegolden

dborgers said:


> Detour needs a pipe and monogrammed smoking jacket


OMG--I spit my coffee out on that one! Too funny!


----------



## cgriffin

Yesterday was such a beautiful day, weather could not have been better. I made a little video to capture some of it and I wanted to show you Toby's kingdom. He so loved it here 
A beautiful day - YouTube


----------



## CAROLINA MOM

Gorgeous day indeed!

Toby's kingdom is beautiful-your Gazebo is awesome!

Thunder and Daschi seemed to be enjoying themselves, they both look great.

How exicitng for you to be on a wait list for a pup-I'm so glad to hear this and so very happy for you. 

I don't think you can ever replace one dog with another-they each are so very unique and special in their own way. Each dog we have in our lives is a very specail gift and they each bring something very special to our lives. 

Toby will always be with you, he lives forever in your heart and the memories you shared with him will always be a part of you. 

This new little one will bring you so much love and joy, but he will never take Toby's place. Let this little one into your heart and let him bring you the happiness and love you deserve. 

Looking forward to your updates.


----------



## dborgers

Nice video, Christa  Looks like Valhalla ... a little slice of Heaven.

It was fun to watch Thunder and Dachsi enjoy a nice day


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## cgriffin

Thanks Sandy, thanks Danny 

Yep, I love our little slice of "Valhalla"  as do the boys


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## HolDaisy

Toby's kingdom is beautiful! I can see why he loved it so much


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## hubbub

Wow! What a idyllic setting - for pups and people! I can just imagine Toby running along with his brothers and enjoying life with his family


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## cgriffin

Thank you all.
I downloaded a couple more pictures of a young Toby and a young Thunder playing. They were so good together 

I have so many pictures which I need to put back on the computer. 

Missing my boy so much


----------



## Dallas Gold

Those photos are precious treasures!

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## Lucky Penny

Those pictures brought a big smile to my face. They are adorable together.


----------



## dborgers

Aw, really great seeing young Toby and Thunder having fun. Looking forward to seeing more.


----------



## Doug

Whoooaww Christa your castle is GORGEOUS!!. No wonder the racoons, deer, armadillos come to visit. What spoilt pups!  and a great place for your furbuddies to create so so many happy memories there. Those photos radiate so much joy and love.


----------



## *Laura*

Christa I'm so happy to read that you're on a wait list. You don't have to worry. Toby has stolen a piece of your heart and it will always belong to him . 

.....and wow your fenced yard is the size of a dog park. Amazing digs for all your pups. You have a lovely home. It looks so quiet and peaceful


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## HolDaisy

*Laura* said:


> You don't have to worry. Toby has stolen a piece of your heart and it will always belong to him .


^^ This is so true, and such a lovely way of looking at things after a beloved golden has passed.
I love your photos of young Toby and Thunder, they are so cute and shows that they had a very special friendship. Sending lots of hugs, I know how you're feeling and how much you miss your beautiful golden boy


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## cgriffin

Thank you all  I am still trying to load more pictures on my computer, slow work.

Yes, our home is very peaceful and quiet. I love not having to see my neighbors 

When time allows, I am sitting out with the boys just relaxing. Toby loved being outside, relaxing, checking on the birds by the bird feeders or just chewing on his nylabone 

When I am sitting in the Gazebo, I imagine Toby laying in front of it, looking at me, thumping his tail, giving me a roo here and there, throwing in a little whine, which usually made me get up and go to him. His answer: throwing himself on his side and rooing more and increasing tail thumps turning into goofy antics  He was such a happy boy  Gosh, I miss that 

On another note, the dog in Memphis did not get pregnant  On the bright side: I am still on the list for a Harbor View pup 
I see a long trip in my future...... I am confident that Toby will guide me if it is meant to be


----------



## swishywagga

Beautiful pictures, sorry things didn't go to plan with the Memphis dog. Hopefully Harbor View will be the one for you!, and yes am certain Toby will guide you in the right direction, hugs x


----------



## Lucky Penny

Crossing my fingers for you for the Harbor View pup!


----------



## HolDaisy

Fingers crossed for the Harbor view pup too. Everything will fall into place for you with the help of a certain Mr Toby, and the perfect pup will come your way


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## cgriffin

In tears right now. In spring, we opened the pool without Toby running around excitedly and happy when seeing the water. 
We just now closed the pool without Toby running around excitedly and with that face of: What happened to the water? 

I miss my boy so much


----------



## cgriffin

This time of year was one of Toby's favorite times. We spent hours sitting outside in the afternoon and early evening 
Toby always got a kick out of the busy birds and squirrels around the bird feeders. 

I sit outside and imagine him being with me  Oh, I miss him. 

You can tell, I am a bit on an emotional rollercoaster right now, between missing Toby and looking forward to adding a golden baby if it is meant to be.


----------



## HolDaisy

Thinking of you  even though you can't see him he's always around you in spirit. Take care.

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## Lucky Penny

Thinking of you and sending some positive thoughts that you will have a Harborview baby soon!


----------



## swishywagga

Christa, hoping you will soon be blessed with a new golden baby especially sent to you from precious Toby. You are always in my thoughts x


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## cgriffin

Thank you all 

I just realized it has been seven months today. Odd how time and life moves on, you would think it not possible, somehow.... I still miss Toby every day, last night I was thinking about him in bed. I had to get back up and watch TV to settle down my mind, to stop crying. This is still so hard.

I really don't mean to be a downer. I am hoping a golden pup is in our near future.

Thanks for bearing with me if you are still reading this thread.


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## Brinkleythegolden

Crista--everyone grieves in a different way. I still tear up when I think of my boy Fozzie. He truly was my heartdog, like Toby was yours. We're all here with you.


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you. I still miss Daisy so much every single day too like you do Toby. I really hope a golden pup comes your way soon to help heal your heart.


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## hubbub

I often can't think of wise words of support, but can imagine your grief and know that on some level it never goes away, we just get used to the hurt a bit more every day and other things enter our lives to allow us to love more fully again. <hugs>


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## GoldenMum

cgriffin said:


> In tears right now. In spring, we opened the pool without Toby running around excitedly and happy when seeing the water.
> We just now closed the pool without Toby running around excitedly and with that face of: What happened to the water?
> 
> I miss my boy so much



Closing my pool was unbearable this year, it's all the little things.......very painful. I am so sorry.


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## *Laura*

Thinking of you Christa. I hope you have a good weekend


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## HolDaisy

Also just wanted to say thinking of you


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## Buddy's mom forever

Hi Christa, I am sorry I do not post very often, but I think of you. Last night was a sleepless one and I caught myself thinking of all goldens I knew and loved on this forum and how long they've been gone. Strange there are so many other things I cant remember in my daily life but I do remember those. First year and all the first could be very hard, with time pain will be less sharp but can't promise it will go away. I am so happy to see our friends here giving us support and shoulder to cry when we need one.
Hugs.


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## *Laura*

I hope you had a good weekend Christa. Thinking of you


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## dborgers

Hi Christa  Is it getting cold or what? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Hope you had a good weekend


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## HolDaisy

Also just wanted to say hi to you


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## cgriffin

Thank you all for thinking of me.
Yes, I had a good weekend, thanks for asking. 
Danny, one more nice day and then we are in for the cold the rest of the week, time to get the long johns out, lol. 

The closer it gets to hearing about whether our future pup will be in the one of the two litters being born, which should most likely be this week - I think, the more thoughts running around in my head. I miss Toby terribly, if this pup is meant to be, I so hope he will have his paw in it and guide the right pup to us. 

I worry about my oldie Thunder, he is doing good on arthritis meds now, but he is getting old, scares the heck out of me.....I hope I am doing the right thing by adding a puppy......

Looking forward to the new pup and the challenges.....lots to think about...

I guess it is a bittersweet feeling. I keep imagining Toby everywhere, I always talk to him, I still break out in tears......I want to remember every little detail about him...not wanting to lose any memories of him......how he felt, his roo-ing, he was such a happy boy, always a golden smile on his face 

I am still trying to muddle through Toby pictures, I am still working on getting pictures framed, it is a slow process, paved in tears but managing to get some smiles in as well. I guess that is progress.

Thank you for listening. I will keep you posted on the puppy progress.


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## Brinkleythegolden

Christa- we can relate to what you have been through. Even with Brinkley, I find myself trying remember if Fozzie or Gallagher behaved that way, or had that particular habit. We're all wishing for that new puppy for you, and can't wait to hear everything. Here's to hoping that you get good news soon!


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## swishywagga

Christa, you are always in my thoughts. I hope that you will soon be blessed with your new pup, when the the time is right Toby will send him or her to you, and he will smile down on you all knowing that very special puppy will have the most wonderful life and family just like he did. Hugs x


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## Lucky Penny

I too have been slowly going through things. I want to put a scrap book together, but I have to get all the pictures together. I know what it is like. There is no due date! We are allowed to take our times!

I think the key with Thunder is to just make sure he has his space. He will love the energy in the house, but he will need to rest more often then that baby!

Toby and Penny are watching over us and smilling.


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## cgriffin

Our new little golden boy was just born  Now, Toby has to help Jennifer to pick the right one for us when it is puppy pick up day


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## swishywagga

Christa, congratulations!!!, I am beyond thrilled for you, Toby will be sure to pick the right pup for you. Huge hugs of delight sent from me and Mr Barnaby xx


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## Doug

Wow, a new precious miracle has arrived. It takes your breath away doesn't it? 
Congrats on the next chapter!


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## Brinkleythegolden

Christa, I am sooooooo happy for you!!!

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## Dallas Gold

I am just so super excited for you (and Penny's Mom) getting litter mates from Harborview....and Yogi half-brothers at that! I think Toby is definitely going to help Jenn pick the right boy for you- she is very good at this and in our case she picked the absolute perfect puppy for us. I've actually been praying for the past few days for all boys in that litter...silly, I know, but I want you two and one other forum member to get the boys you've been waiting for and thinking about for so long. Happy, happy happy!!! 

Now, hope you are prepping and thinking of a whole slew of boy names for the little one!


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## dborgers

It's raining everywhere ... except for one little spot NW of us where the sun is shining so brightly the clouds have scattered. Hm, wonder why? Tee hee hee

Congratulations!!


----------



## Brinkleythegolden

That is so exciting that you are getting littermates! We can't wait to see them!


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## cgriffin

Thank you all 
I am happy, excited and a little overwhelmed. Lots to think about now, getting ready for puppy. 
Today we bought some small gauge fencing material to close up the bottom of the Gazebo which is a bit above ground. We don't want the little one to crawl underneath and get stuck, I can't move a Gazebo. Dachsi used to crawl underneath there to chase the bunnies. Sorry bunnies, you have to move out 

Been bouncing a couple of names around but I think once we have the little guy, the right name will stick. So far I like Benjamin "Ben" and .... don't laugh 'Doo-Dah' like in the old song 'A doo-dah doo-dah day', lol.


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## *Laura*

Christa I'm so happy for you. This is such great news!!!


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## HolDaisy

Congrats, I am so happy for you  How great that you and Penny's Mom are getting littermates too?! It will be so much fun to watch these beautiful little boys grow up. I just know that your special Toby will help to send you the perfect boy, and he will be with you every step of the way. It's very bittersweet, but know that it's what he would want for you, and he will be so happy that you'll have a golden in your life again.

p.s...love the name Ben! It was a potential one for Sammy, before we decided.


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## Goldens R Great

Congratulations on your new little boy! Very exciting for you! 

I have to say I love the name Ben.


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## hubbub

Congratulations! I'm so excited for you and others


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## GoldensGirl

I'm so happy for you! 

This question I may be able to help with: 


cgriffin said:


> ... I worry about my oldie Thunder, he is doing good on arthritis meds now, but he is getting old, scares the heck out of me.....I hope I am doing the right thing by adding a puppy......


Joker was 10 years old and Charlie was almost 12 when we got Sunny. For Joker, she was a gift of pure joy. He adored her from the moment he first saw her and they have been inseparable ever since. He is 13 now and she is a very energetic 3 year old, so it is a continual effort to teach her to be gentle with him. That said, he still initiates play with her and it is clear that she keeps him young in many ways.

Charlie never liked puppies and he was not fond of Sunny at first, but after a few weeks even he would join the games with her and seemed younger for our having her. He was already having seizures when we got her and his condition deteriorated over the first 18 months of Sunny's life, so that we lost our King of Cuddles when Sunny was about 14 months old. They had never formed a deep bond and I don't think Sunny missed him. Joker, on the other hand, mourned visibly and Sunny's presence was important to him, as it was and is to us. She is a comic whirlwind, keeping us laughing every day.

When I lost my Sabrina to kidney disease and hemangiosarcoma years ago, our veterinarian gave me a copy of this piece by playwright Eugene O'Neill to comfort his wife when their beloved dog died: The Last Will and Testament of Silverdene Emblem O'Neill. I have turned to it many times over the years, both to find comfort and to share it with others. This passage seems especially pertinent: "I have heard my Mistress say, 'When Blemie dies we must never have another dog. I love him so much I could never love another one.' Now I would ask her, for love of me, to have another. It would be a poor tribute to my memory never to have a dog again. What I would like to feel is that, having once had me in the family, now she cannot live without a dog!"

Wishing you peace and joy,
Lucy


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## Dallas Gold

I like the name Ben. So many nickname possibilities too- Benny or Bennie (ala Bennie and the Jets since you will be flying to pick him up)! Once you see photos of the boys I'm sure a few names will pop up to consider. Hopefully your husband will agree with your choices!


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## Sweet Girl

Oh, I'm so happy that you decided to go ahead with this! Your new puppy will bring so much happiness to you. And how fun that you and Penny's Mom will be able to be in touch and see your pup's sibling grow, too!


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## Brinkleythegolden

I love the name Ben! So cute!


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## cgriffin

Thank you, all. I am more partial to Ben as well, as is my husband. We will see if Ben fits the little guy


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## CAROLINA MOM

Congratulations Chirsta, I am just thrilled for you! May this little guy fill your heart with love, laughter and joy for many years to come. 

Ben is a great name.


----------



## GoldenMum

Oh Christa this is wonderful news! I know how bad you are missing your Toby, may the pitter patter of little feet fill your life with joy. I am excited that we will get to watch Darcy, and Ben grow up through this forum.


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## Lucky Penny

I am so excited for you!!!


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## cgriffin

Toby, I love you!!! I wish you were here !

So not looking forward to the holiday season without you, Toby


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## Dallas Gold

I know this must be so hard for you Christa. Hugs.

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## swishywagga

Thinking of you Christa, hugs coming your way from me and Mr Barnaby x


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## HolDaisy

It really is very bittersweet, but Toby would want you to love another golden again. Even though you can't see him he's always with you every step of the way. You will see elements of Toby live on in the spirit of your golden pup.

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## cgriffin

Toby, 8 months exactly since I lost you. I will never look at a Saturday the 30th the same way and cringe when it comes along.

I love you and I miss you so much! Daddy, Thunder and Dachsi miss you as well. 

Your food bowl, toys and your favorite pillows are still on the same spot, along with Mr. Coonie. I often imagine you snoozing on your pillow on the loveseat.

I love you, my heart !


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## hubbub

I can't believe it's been 8 months. <<Hugs>>


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## Dallas Gold

8 months...time is passing but our Bridge boys are always in our hearts. 

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## dborgers

Seems like yesterday and a long time ago all at once. As you may recall, Andy's 8 month Bridge anniversary was yesterday.

If they could talk to us now they'd probably be saying "Don't be so sad. We're playing, running, swimming, and eating anything we want to ... even flying!!."


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## Brinkleythegolden

The anniversaries are so hard...hugs from Michigan.


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## Lucky Penny

I feel your pain. I too struggle with a holiday season with out my Penny. Sending you some hugs.


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## *Laura*

((Hugs)) to you Christa. I think of you often. It's hard to imagine 8 months have passed already.


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## swishywagga

Hi Christa, hoping you are okay, big hugs sent over from me and Mr Barnaby x


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## cgriffin

Thank you, Nicky and Mr. Barnaby.

Just trying to stay busy.

I hope you are having a great weekend and hugs to both of you


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## cgriffin

Grieving, wow, talking about worst feeling ever. It is overwhelming, gut wrenchingly painful and ever present. 
I have never grieved as much for anybody or anything in my life, as I do for Toby. I miss him all the time. 

The first several weeks, Toby’s last day, hour, minutes kept playing over and over and over again in my mind. Now, I cannot bear to think about it, and as soon as it comes up, I push it all the way back down. I don’t want to think, I don’t want to remember his last minutes with us. It is so overwhelmingly painful, I cannot bear it. 

I have not moved on, it has not gotten easier, I cannot speak about Toby without getting choked up. My heart just aches for him. 
Christmas - I could do without it this year. I will put up a tree, for my husband , for my boys. I love to give presents to others, more so than getting presents. I made a couple of people smile already, this I love. 

My husband keeps asking what I would like for Christmas. I keep telling him, what I want, I can’t have…..

I am so stuck in grief, but it gets too be so much at times, that is when I shove everything down deep. 
I love Toby as much as ever and I talk to him all the time. I look at his pictures and videos. The videos just make me cry, I have not looked at any lately. 

How do you move on from this? 

Thunder: he worries me. He has aged so much these past months. I can tell that he misses Toby, it is a gut feeling. He is getting finicky with his eating, he won’t play with Dachsi anymore, he often cuts his walks short. He is due for more blood work in early January. Last months, all looked good in his lab tests. He does not have the Thunder spark in his eyes. I remember when Toby lost his spark………. I hope I am wrong. I am not ready to lose another one. 

I am looking forward to the new puppy, I think I love him already, even though I have never met him, he is four weeks old. I will fly to Erie to pick him up on January 10, spent the night, come home with him the next day. 

He is not Toby, he will not replace Toby, nobody could ever replace Toby. Toby was one of a kind. 

Somehow I hope that Mr. Puppy will be our salvation….. does that sound odd? Does that sound bad?


----------



## Doug

We don't move on, we just go with the flow of life.

Missing Toby's physical presence is understandable. He is a very special boy. I say "is" because I am certain that he is still around you trying to send as much healing energy as he can.

You never know when grief will strike But I do now that my girl wouldn't want me (or you) to be sad. I still remember her nudging my arm and beaming up at me with her bright eyes and smile so we must "keep calm and carry on." 

We must remember that Toby and Tia are now a fully healed, joyful, all knowing and free spirits who only returned to the magical place from where they and Ben came. I think that Toby feels more sadness for you when you are sad since you are the one left behind to pick up all of the pieces.

I hope that Ben brings back some of the magic into your lives. It is an emotional and exciting time. It would only be bad if you expected Ben to be the same as Toby. I think that you are fully aware that Ben will not replace those that cannot be replaced because they have not gone anywhere spiritually. Ben will add another colour into your family portrait with his own loving and healing ways.

Puppies are hard work but they also bring us a lot of healing, tears and laugh out loud moments. I share your nerves like any expectant mother does but I am also excited about the joy these little ones will bring. Hopefully the rise in your spirit is the medicine Thunder needs as you both sit back and watch Ben weave his magic with Dacshi. :')


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## *Laura*

Christa I'm so sorry you're so sad. I'm sending you a BIG HUG!!! ...You will love your new little one and you will keep loving Toby. (I hope Thunder feels better)


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## lhowemt

Puppies soften and distract a broken heart. I think your heart has to move from broken to soft before you can heal. A puppy reminds you of all that is good about dogs, and your special one. It hurts too to be reminded of the special one as a pup, so don't be hard on yourself if you get some conflicting and confusing emotions. Eventually you heart will heal. But it is not good as new, just no longer in acute danger. It will get better, just hang on and do what you can for Christmas to enjoy it. Then puppy breath will cast its magic spell on you. I talked to Pearl a lot at first about Hazel, and found that comforting. As time has gone by I do that much less. My pain is settling, it doesn't surface as much or as strong. Time and love heal. Love your family, the new pup, and yourself.

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## hubbub

You've touched on so many emotions that I'm feeling as well. 

Perhaps Thunder is feeding off your emotions? Losing Toby was no doubt hard on him too and he probably realizes both your grief and his. I'm sure he misses Toby too, no doubt. 

A new pup as salvation? Doesn't sound crazy to me - it sounds like he could be the the very definition of salvation for you. A friend's golden passed quite suddenly and the depth of her grief was immeasurable. When a new pup entered her life, it breathed new life to the depths of her soul and allowed her to find her way back. I know Mr. Pup will bring a bright light to all your lives. 

<hugs>


----------



## GoldensGirl

For decades now, when one of my beloved dogs has been diagnosed with a condition that will steal him/her from me, I have begun looking for a puppy. That has been partly for the dog who will be left with me and partly for myself, but also for the one that will leave us soon. 

Sunny came home to us a couple of months after Charlie's first seizure. Her playful spirit soon had Joker and Charlie playing as they had not since Sabrina's death almost 5 years earlier. Joker adored the little girl that he clearly regarded as "his" puppy. Charlie, who never liked puppies and didn't like Sunny at first, nonetheless joined the puppy games as best he could. She somehow made them both younger, as she continues to do for Joker still. When Charlie died, she helped to pull Joker from the depths of grief, as she did for me. She knows that her first job is to make me laugh and she is very good at it. I already know that Sunny will not be happy as an only dog. Joker, now over 13 years old, can't cope with a little puppy, but I'm sure there will be another dog in our lives soon after he leaves us. I pray that is years in the future...pause for tissues... and I know that he would not have it any other way.

This long post is really just to say that a new puppy makes all kinds of sense to me. It is a great tribute to the dogs who have gone before that you cannot go forward without another young one.

Holding you and yours gently in my thoughts and prayers,
Lucy


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you all for your support and understanding, it means a lot to me.


----------



## HolDaisy

Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you as I know how much you're missing beautiful Toby, it's extra tough leading up to Christmas.

Sorry to hear that you think Thunder has lost his 'spark', and I hope that he gets on okay in his next round of tests. When we lost Daisy our 8yr old gsd Eddie lost his 'spark' too. He was very sad and missed her so much. When we got Sammy we knew that it would be tough for him to adjust to a new pup as he is a very sensitive boy, but it might also be the making of him. We were right. Sammy has been briliant for him, they got on very well right from the start and are now inseparable...so I really hope that your baby golden boy will do the same for Thunder. Sammy also is doing a great job currently looking after Eddie after we lost Sadie last week.

Your new little boy will never, ever replace Toby, but you will find room in your heart to love him also. We didn't think that it was possible to love another golden like Daisy, but Sammy managed to find his way into our hearts and we could not be without him for a moment. Toby is around you all the time, and it's him that's sending you the strength to love another golden again. I understand exactly how you are feeling. It's very bittersweet, but honestly your pup will help to heal yours and Thunder's hearts like nothing else


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## dborgers

You're going to get through this and be OK on the other side of it, Christa


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## Buddy's mom forever

Christa you are not stuck in grief, you are just not ignoring it. There will be more waves of grief coming but every new one will wash out a bit of pain and sadness. Your new little boy will help as you will know that he is sent to you by your Toby. Hugs.


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## Lucky Penny

Sending you hugs. The feelings you write off are felt here too. Words can not heel those feelings, but hopefully they can bring comfort. 

I believe that your puppy was picked for you by Toby and that this puppy will bring lots of joy into your household. It may take Thunder a few days, but I think we will feel a spark again once the puppy comes in. I know that Luna has been a great friend for me since Penny passed. She has kept me busy and going. I still miss Penny so much, but having a active young dog helps remind me that Penny would want me to keep going.


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## SandyK

Thinking of you!!:wave: I hope your new pup helps Thunder get his spunk back. They grieve too, just like us. It is something that never really goes away, but we all get by.


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## cgriffin

Sweet baby, I miss you so much, today especially. You are not here to open presents and to proudly run around with a new toy in your mouth. 
I love you, Christmas is not the same without you. Maybe you can tell your brother Thunder that it is not his time to go yet, perk him up a bit, mama still needs him. 
I miss you!!!!!!!!!!


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## hubbub

Thinking of you all and hoping that Toby's presence is felt in everything that you do. Sending special wishes of comfort to sweet Thunder and Dachsi too. Merry Christmas


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you. We miss Daisy so much at Christmas too - she loved it and it was 2 years ago that was taken ill the day before Christmas Eve, so know how you are feeling. I hope that your new pup will heal both yours and Thunder's hearts, and I'm sure that he will do a brilliant job. Toby will be with you in spirit and I hope that you'll be able to feel his presence around you. Toby, Daisy and lots of out precious goldens will be celebrating at the bridge. Merry Christmas, take care.


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## cgriffin

Thank you, Merry Christmas to you all.

I opened facebook this morning and it put a smile on my face. Our breeder had posted Christmas pictures of the puppies. I don't feel right about sharing them here, I will open a thread under 'pictures'. 

Thunder has been having tummy issues and finicky eating, he thinks he can only eat treats and chicken breast and rice. I am indulging him, I think at almost 13 years old, he deserves to be spoiled


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## cgriffin

I found a few pictures of Toby's first Christmas, he was about 9 months old


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## Dallas Gold

awww. Those are precious photos! I'm glad you found them!


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## HolDaisy

Beautiful photos of your special boy  What a happy boy at Christmas Toby was!

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## *Laura*

Christa I love the Christmas picture of Toby and Thunder. 

Merry Christmas to you


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## swishywagga

Beautiful pictures, Toby looks so cute! x


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## hubbub

What a cutie! I especially like the one where he's watching you over the sofa - sort of like, "Mom, come back over here with me!"


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## cgriffin

Thanks, I am glad you enjoyed the pictures as much as I do. I hope everybody had a great Christmas 

Yes, hubbub, every time I see that picture of Toby peeking over the couch I am thinking the same thing. He was such a Mama's boy


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## Lucky Penny

These pictures are adorable! He certainly got into the spirit of Christmas! What wonderful memories to look back on. Tell Thunder it is okay to eat whatever he wants, but he can not scare mom!


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## cgriffin

9 months........ I miss you Sweet Pea 
Daddy finally admitted openly that he misses you, too!

I love you and you will always have a big chunk of my heart, don't worry, you are still my Toby forever.


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you on this sad day  I know how much you're missing your special boy. Sending lots of hugs.


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## Brinkleythegolden

Thinking of you, Christa!


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## cgriffin

Thunder joined Toby today at the bridge. He had the same type of cancer as Toby, hemangiosarcoma and there was nothing they could do.

Toby please take care of your big brother. Mama loves and misses you both so much


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## swishywagga

Christa, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am here for you, please pm me anytime. Comforting hugs sent over x


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## Dallas Gold

I am just heartbroken for you.  RIP Thunder, Toby needed you in Heaven with him.


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## Brinkleythegolden

Christa, I am so sorry. Hemangio is an awful, awful thing! That's just way too much for anyone to handle-we are all here for you. RIP, Thunder!


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## dborgers

Oh, Christa, I'm SO very sorry. I know you must be heartbroken.


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## GoldensGirl

cgriffin said:


> Thunder joined Toby today at the bridge. He had the same type of cancer as Toby, hemangiosarcoma and there was nothing they could do.
> 
> Toby please take care of your big brother. Mama loves and misses you both so much


Oh no!!!!! You must be struggling so badly with this. Losing two beloved dogs so close together is devastating.

Peace be with you.


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## Doug

I am so shocked and sad to hear this :'(
Thunder must have heart Toby calling for him and could not resist.

I am so sorry, my heart aches for you. :"(


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## KiwiD

So very sorry for your loss.


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## *Laura*

Oh Christa I'm SO sorry. I'm so incredibly sad you said good bye to Thunder today. My tears are falling for you.


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## Claire's Friend

I am so. so sorry....


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## HolDaisy

Oh no  I am so very sorry to hear about Thunder. You must be heartbroken. Thinking of you. 


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## GoldenMum

There are no words Christa, only hurt and sadness.....my heart aches for you.


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## Sweet Girl

I am so very sorry, Christa. So much sadness. My heart is breaking for you.


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## cgriffin

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me.

I miss both my boys, both taken so fast to this wicked cancer and in both cases having to make that hard decision to let them go to end their suffering. 

I hope they are together now, brothers again.


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## lhowemt

I hope you find some comfort in the next few days, I am so sorry and cry for all of our bridge babies.

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## hotel4dogs

I am so, so sorry for your heartbreak, especially losing 2 within such a short period of time. Sending many hugs and good thoughts your way.


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## Karen519

*Christa*

My heart is just breaking for your Christa-I am so very sorry about Thunder.
I know that Thunder, Toby, and my Smooch and Snobear are together now!

I have added him to the the 2014 Rainbow Bridge List!!

http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com...inbow-bridge-list-grf-2014-a.html#post3932082


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## hubbub

Christa, I am so, so saddened to learn that Thunder passed away. <<<Hugs>>>


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## Lucky Penny

My heart just breaks for you. How hard it is to lose one, but two within the same year as each other.  Thunder and Toby are together now.


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## cgriffin

Thank you, all.

I think since yesterday, I just went numb. I still cry, but not as often, as if my mind is blocking it all out and putting up a wall. I miss my boys, but I am not really allowing myself to go there, to feel too much right now. If I let it all in, I may never get up and never get out of my grief. Does this make sense?

I feel guilty about trying to focus on Dachsi and the new pup coming. Dachsi is sad and I am sure the new pup will help him as well as us. We had been looking forward to this new addition for a long time and I think we need him, now more than ever. Thunder would have made a great big brother, just like he was to Toby and to Dachsi.


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## Dallas Gold

cgriffin said:


> Thank you, all.
> 
> I think since yesterday, I just went numb. I still cry, but not as often, as if my mind is blocking it all out and putting up a wall. I miss my boys, but I am not really allowing myself to go there, to feel too much right now. If I let it all in, I may never get up and never get out of my grief. Does this make sense?
> 
> I feel guilty about trying to focus on Dachsi and the new pup coming. Dachsi is sad and I am sure the new pup will help him as well as us. We had been looking forward to this new addition for a long time and I think we need him, now more than ever. Thunder would have made a great big brother, just like he was to Toby and to Dachsi.


Never feel guilty for focusing on Dachsi and the new puppy. Thunder knows you need to focus on them, as you would be doing in every day life if he were here. Who knows, perhaps Thunder will be directing the new puppy from above at the Bridge. I know it sounds crazy but I see so much of the unique things from my Bridge boys in little Yogi- it's almost as if they collaborated to give me this dog who has the best of both of them in his personality. And yes, I understand your first paragraph very well.


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## Lennap

I don't know how I missed this thread. Christa I am so sorry for your loss. I know you must be devastated. I started reading this and just burst into tears. Words fail me - I can never find the right words at a time like this. Please know that so many of us are with you.

HUGS


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## Karen519

*Christa*



cgriffin said:


> Thank you, all.
> 
> I think since yesterday, I just went numb. I still cry, but not as often, as if my mind is blocking it all out and putting up a wall. I miss my boys, but I am not really allowing myself to go there, to feel too much right now. If I let it all in, I may never get up and never get out of my grief. Does this make sense?
> 
> I feel guilty about trying to focus on Dachsi and the new pup coming. Dachsi is sad and I am sure the new pup will help him as well as us. We had been looking forward to this new addition for a long time and I think we need him, now more than ever. Thunder would have made a great big brother, just like he was to Toby and to Dachsi.


Never feel guilty-Thunder & Toby would want you to be happy! The puppy will be the best medicine for Dachsi and you! I know the NUMB feeling and blocking it out-that's how I protect myself!!


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## dborgers

I hold things in too - about my stuff but not other's sadness. I can weep at the drop of a hat when I see something really sad or touching on TV, but things that happen to me? I've had so much loss in my life numbness sets in. I wallow around for weeks or months. Then there comes a time when, finally, the floodgates open and, at last, a big, shoulder shaking, sobbing cry relieves the heaviness in my heart in a flood of tears, leaving room for joy, and I wonder why I hadn't done it before.

You've had a double whammy. So hard. Keeping you in my thoughts - Danny


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## HolDaisy

Just stopping to by to say that I am thinking of you and hope that you are coping as best as you possibly can. Thunder must have needed to be with Toby at the bridge and felt that it was time he had to go. I know you've hardly got time to even think before your new pup arrives, but you've been waiting for this little guy for such a long time. Honestly he will help to mend yours and Daschi's broken hearts in no time at all. Toby and Thunder will be with you in spirit, always.


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## *Laura*

Sending more hugs to you Christa.


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## Sweet Girl

I've been thinking about you a lot. Just too much sadness all at once. I hope you are doing okay.


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## swishywagga

Thinking of you also Christa, big hugs sent from me and Mr Barnaby x


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## cgriffin

Thank you. 
I just found out which puppy I will be bringing home on Saturday. Wow, the emotions! I am happy and excited and sad for my sweet boys at the same time. I feel a bit guilty. I have tried so hard not to give in to my grief those last days, because I just cannot take it and deal with it right now. 

I had the phone call today, that I can pick up Thunder's ashes any time. That opened the flood gates again. It was after that that I found out about which pup I am getting. So bittersweet, sad, excited, guilty and everything inbetween. 

I will pick up the ashes on the weekend, since I will be in Nashville anyway going to the airport and then coming back. I know it will be sad but a relieve to have Thunder home. It was the same with Toby. 

Getting info on my pup from the breeder, she described him as quiet, a snuggler and cuddler, can be playful as any puppy should be, something special about him and seems wise beyond his years. Wow. That actually describes Toby as a puppy. I think Toby definitely had his paw in this.

Thunder and Toby, you will always be my special boys and will always be in my heart and my thoughts. I love you and miss you so much!!


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## KiwiD

Such a bittersweet day for you and your range of emotion is of course completely understandable. The description of your new little pup coming to join your family sounds just perfect.


----------



## Doug

You have been soooo fortunate to be surrounded by such extraordinary and loving souls. Know that you still are and that they are celebrating right along side you. Thunder coming home with you should be a reminder of that. All of our pups teach us to celebrate life and love and this must be remembered and honoured at all times. NO guilt allowed!! 

I am beyond thrilled at this very much needed new arrival of sunshine for you.
It is ok. "Happiness wants YOU. Let it in."


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## Dallas Gold

Christa- so emotional on different levels. I know Toby had a hand in all of this! (((HUGS)))... Mr. Bluey looks like Yogi at that age and it sounds like your breeder's description is consistent with Yogi's personality and behavior. I know you will be thrilled with him.


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## Brinkleythegolden

I'm so excited for you!


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## Lucky Penny

This weekend will be an emotional one but know we will all be there with you. Toby and Thunder for sure had a say in this new pup coming home with you.


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## Karen519

*Christa*

The most memorable and exciting days in our lives have been when we adopted a dog or picked up a puppy! I am so VERY HAPPY for you!
I am sure Toby and Thunder sent him to you!


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## Lucky Penny

Not to long now!


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## Karen519

*Christa*

I am so excited for you.
Please tell us every detail and we want pictures!!


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## swishywagga

Can't wait to see and hear all about your precious little guy x


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## cgriffin

Thank you. 
Oh, we had an adventure, lot of things not going according to plan - fault of the airlines. But we are home, safe, I am exhausted but don't anticipate much sleep, but that is not really anything new for me. 

I will post a video of Ben and Dachsi playing together in my introduction thread. I don't feel right posting it here. Dachsi is getting used to his new little brother and playing with him 

Thunder's ashes are home with us as well, as it should be.


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## Karen519

*Christa*



cgriffin said:


> Thank you.
> Oh, we had an adventure, lot of things not going according to plan - fault of the airlines. But we are home, safe, I am exhausted but don't anticipate much sleep, but that is not really anything new for me.
> 
> I will post a video of Ben and Dachsi playing together in my introduction thread. I don't feel right posting it here. Dachsi is getting used to his new little brother and playing with him
> 
> Thunder's ashes are home with us as well, as it should be.


Christa: So excited for Ben, Dachsi and you. Glad Thunder is home-I know how hard it is. Whenever you're ready for pics, we will take them!


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## cgriffin

Thanks 

Ben is a joy to have around and we all smile a lot more. Dachsi is in love with his little brother and vice versa. They are best buds already. 

Ben has done a few things that so remind me of Thunder and Toby. My husband and I got choked up this morning when he left for work. I was in the yard with Ben and Dachsi and said good bye to my husband. He turned around and went to the gate and I let Ben down and he ran after my husband to catch up with him. My husband turned around and Ben was all wiggly, waggy and kissy, wanting to say good bye to his dad. 
Toby was the lovebug in the family and that reminded us of him so much. We were both smilling and teary eyed at the same time. When my husband go into the truck and drove away, Ben ran along the fence, Dachsi in tow and stopped at the end of the fence and watched the truck disappear. Thunder used to do this, Toby as well. 

I keep saying to Ben that his big brothers are definitely whispering in his ears


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## Brinkleythegolden

Aww, that's so sweet!


----------



## HolDaisy

Aw that's so cute. I'm glad that little Ben is reminding you of Toby and Thunder...they must definitely be talking to him. They will be smiling down on you all and happy that you have a golden to love again.


----------



## swishywagga

Christa, that is so lovely, Thunder and Toby are definitely smiling down on you all x


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## cgriffin

Yes, I think Ben is seriously channeling Toby, lol. He does so many things Toby did. I made a small video of the way Ben was sleeping this morning, in the exact same spot Toby slept so often in the exact same way.
I will post it in his puppy thread later.


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## cgriffin

Dachsi and Ben are sleeping, I have a few minutes to gather my thoughts. I have been so busy with both of those two as you can imagine. 

Two trains of thoughts in my mind right now. 
The first one: all this happened so fast with Thunder and getting ready for puppy that I feel like I never got to properly grief for Thunder and it makes me feel so bad and guilty. I talk to both my bridge boys daily and I miss them. But, I feel like I am short changing Thunder with his passing. I already had a mini melt down one time when I was watching Dachsi and Ben playing. I thought of both my lost boys and the tears kept coming. Thunder and Toby were so great together, seeing Dachsi and Ben playing reminds me so much of them when they were so young. This is so hard. I just miss my boys  I would still do anything and give anything to have them back!

Other thoughts running through my head: Ben is baffling my husband and me. He does so many things exactly like Toby did and it is spooky. He often sleeps in the exact same spots as Toby did, in the same positions. 
This morning, he went to the bay window in the kitchen and started merrily pulling on the wallpaper around the window. ? Toby did the exact same thing as a puppy and I don't know how many times I had to patch up the wallpaper till he got it - not to do that. I got Ben to leave it alone - for now. Thunder never pulled on the wallpaper, Dachsi never pulled on the wallpaper.

Now Ben is sleeping in front of the bay window on the exact same spot that Toby was always sleeping 

Last night, Ben was ready for bed time. He wanders around, making little whiney noises when he is ready for bedtime and goes to the bedroom. I know he is ready to get into his crate then. 
Every night, I still have the dog beds and pillows out for Thunder and Toby, as it has been always for them. Ben laid on the dog bed and I put up the pillows between dog beds and dresser, as I always do. I had started that when the dogs were younger and sometimes got themselves wedged partially under the dresser. When Toby was an adult, he loved to bed down on top of the pillow, just totally sprawled across the pillow and fell asleep. 
Well, I went into the living room to get Ben's crate and when I came back into the bedroom, Ben was sprawled on the pillow, on the same spot, exactly the way Toby used to do. I just stood there and stared - I could not believe it. How does Ben do these things? Is it just coincidence? Telling my husband, he is just as perplexed as I am. It makes us smile but also wondering 'is his big brother Toby really talking to him?" I guess I am reading too much into it, maybe wishful thinking, I don't know. 
I know Ben is a totally different little personality and puppy, I am not making him out to be a Toby reincarnate but it sure is a little spooky at times. 
Does any of this make any sense ?


----------



## GoldensGirl

Christa, what you observe...the sense that Ben is channeling Toby...makes perfect sense to me. A good friend of mine observes this phenomenon often and I have seen it in my own dogs. I think they feel the presence of dogs who have been there before and may still be present in spirit, watching over you.

Peace be with you.


----------



## dborgers

There are mysteries of the spirit realm that always seem to amaze.

On Andy's thread I told the story of how the night our first golden, Buddy, passed away in an animal hospital our two little dogs woke us up in the middle of the night, sitting up, tails wagging, back ends quivering, gently yipping at my side of the bed where Buddy slept. Jane and I had no doubt he'd come by on his way to Heaven.

I'm so glad Ben has brought much needed smiles and laughter to your house


----------



## cgriffin

Thank you for your understanding and not thinking me crazy or just wishful thinking. 

Toby especially seems to be sending signs through little Ben. This morning, my husband went outside and shut the door behind him. Ben had followed him to the door, when the door shut he took off for the computer room that has a window leading to the front of the house and the porch. Ben stood at the window and watched for 'daddy'. This totally threw me for a loop - Ben has never even looked out that window before! Yes, he is in the computer room with me often, but he never went to the window before to look out. TOBY used to run to that window to look out when he could not go out the door. 
Toby Toby, you have been prepping your new little brother for a while haven't you? Thunder is not coming through as much.


----------



## HolDaisy

It totally makes sense to me. How lovely that he's doing little things that Toby used to do?  He must definitely be talking to him. Sammy doesn't very often lie in the same spots as Daisy, but it always makes me smile when he does things that she used to.

The little things you've described Ben doing sound much more than coincidence! Toby and Thunder have sent you such a precious boy and are watching over you every day  Even though you can't see them, they are always near...and Toby in particular is chanelling himself through Ben so that you know he's still around.


----------



## cgriffin

10 months today.....seems like a lifetime ago, but I still miss you so much Toby  I love you, forever !!!!

Here is a picture of Toby when he was one year old


----------



## Brinkleythegolden

Aww, Christa, I know how hard those anniversaries are! I can't believe that it's been 10 months already! I'm glad little Ben is there to help heal your heart.


----------



## swishywagga

Beautiful picture of Toby, he will be remembered by so many. Hugs sent over to you all x


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## Lucky Penny

Sweet Toby  Sending you some hugs.


----------



## cgriffin

Since I did not start a thread on Thunder, I am posting here since he was Toby's big brother and hero.

Going by the date, Thunder passed a month ago, I miss him. He was such a good big brother to all. I am so grateful for him coming into our lives. Hard to imagine that he was in a kill shelter at 10 months old and his time was up and we saved him. We had 12 wonderful years with him, he was just the best 

Thunder, I love you and miss you so much!!


----------



## lhowemt

What an absolutely beautiful and soulful labrador. 1 month is so soon and difficult.

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## cgriffin

Time flies, Toby has been gone for 11 months, Thunder for two months - it seems like a lifetime that I hugged my two favorite kids 
My guinea pig "Cuddles" died last Sunday - a week for Cuddles. I know Toby and Thunder will take care of him, along with all my other passed on furry loved ones - too many 

Sometimes I wonder what else lurks around the corner - seems like every time I turn around somebody else dies. 

We are down to Dachsi and of course we have Ben now. Both are a joy and I seriously would not know what I would do without them. They make me laugh, both are funny, often full of themselves and just love to cuddle and give kisses 

Ben is still seriously 'channeling' Toby - that is what I call it when he does things that Toby used to do. It baffles me but it also makes me smile and it gives me a degree of comfort. By no means am I comparing them all the time. Ben is his own lovable individual, with his own quirks like sitting underneath the dog bed instead of on it, hahahaha. But, when he does things that Toby used to do, the memories flood back and it is bittersweet but does make me smile - tear up at times.

I know my passed on babies are still with me and I love and miss them so much.


----------



## hubbub

It's strange how time seems to creep along and rush by at the same time. I can't believe the time has passed. Also, I'm sorry for the loss of your guinea pig, Cuddles. 

Reading how Ben seems to channel Toby reminded me that Hannah's oncologist told me that lost one of her dogs 2 years ago (at 14) and now her 13 year old dog has suddenly started displaying all "bad" habits that the 14 year old got away with. We smiled at how it's frustrating and somewhat comforting at the same time.


----------



## HolDaisy

Sorry to hear about Cuddles 

I'm so glad that you have cute little Ben, he's a ray of sunshine. Toby and Thunder will live on forever in your heart. Not a moment goes by where I don't think about Daisy. Your boys will be smiling down on you and will be so proud of you that you have another golden to love. They had wonderful lives with you and will be happy that Ben is going to have as much love and fun as they did 

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----------



## Lucky Penny

I love that photo of sweet Thunder!  I am so sad to read about Cuddles passing.  Thunder and Toby are taking good care of him for sure. I understand how you feel about someone passing every corner you turn. A few years ago I was in that same position with an old lab, an old cat, and my sweet sick Penny. It seemed like I couldn’t get a break from my loved ones passing. Know it does stop. You have young and healthy Dachsi and Ben!! They are going to live many happy lives with you!


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## cgriffin

Today is Toby and Thunder's birthday. Toby would have been 11 and Thunder 13 years old. 

We celebrated their birthdays together, since Thunder was estimated to have been born in March. When Toby came along, it made it easier to celebrate together. Oh, they loved each other so much.

Dachsi is celebrating the same birthday since he was estimated to have been born in March as well. I am sure he misses his big brothers too. 

I never thought last year at this time, that my boys would not see their next birthday. 

Toby and Thunder, I love you and miss you so much!!


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## Brinkleythegolden

I'm sure Toby and Thunder miss you too! I'll bet that there is one heck of a birthday party going on at the Bridge for them! Hug Ben and Daschi a little tighter today...


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## Lucky Penny

Happy Birthday to sweet Thunder and sweet Toby!!


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## swishywagga

Toby and Thunder will be having fun today and definitely looking down on you all with big smiles on their faces. Thinking of you today Christa and sending hugs over x


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## dborgers

They're having a big birthday bash in Heaven right now. All of our Bridge boys and girls are there with their party hats on helping them celebrate.


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## Doug

Thinking of you on this special day.
I hope that you feel the love from down here and above


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you on this sad day. Your beautiful boys will always be watching over you all. Take care today.


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## dborgers

Christa,

We'll all keep you in our thoughts today while we remember Toby on this sad anniversary. ((HUG)))


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## swishywagga

Thinking of you today, remembering beautiful Toby who will be looking down on you all with a huge golden smile on his face. I know how hard today will be for you, but hope your memories of your gorgeous boy give you comfort, take care x


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## Brinkleythegolden

Thinking of you on this sad anniversary, Christa..


Sent from Petguide.com Free App


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## cgriffin

Thank you so much, it means the world to me to have such thoughtful friends.

I can't believe it has been a year already, I miss Toby so much  

Yes, it helps to have Ben, no doubt, but it does not make me miss Toby any less. He was one of a kind, the sweetest boy. I knew he was mine the first time I laid eyes on him and judging by his waggy tail and trying to get to me and giving me puppy kisses - he felt the same. We had wonderful years 

I went through hundreds of pictures this morning to add to this post and I decided on this picture, which I posted before. He looks so happy here and that day he gave me a big smile and he triumphed over having gone through TPOL surgery on his right knee and FHO on his left hip. He finally felt better and that face says it all 

Toby, my heart, I love you as much as ever and I miss you so much, you are always in my thoughts !!!!


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## Sweet Girl

Thinking of you today. Anniversaries can be so hard. I'm glad you have Ben to help make it a little easier. I agree - they don't make you miss the ones who are gone any less, but they do give you a good reason to smile again.


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## hubbub

Thinking of you too. I can't imagine facing the TPLO and FHO at once - only love and care made his recovery and smile shine through again


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## Buddy's mom forever

Thinking of you, missing our boys. Hugs.


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## Lucky Penny

<3 Sending you hugs


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## HolDaisy

Thank you for sharing that beautiful, special photo of handsome Toby. His face really does say it all, he's so proud of himself...and rightly so 
He will always be watching over you, and I bet he's so proud that you have got little Ben. We will never forget our bridge goldens, they will live on in our hearts forever. Not a day goes by where I don't think of Daisy. I hope that Daisy and Toby have found each other and have become great friends.


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## cgriffin

Been thinking a lot about my boys Toby and Thunder. This morning when I was walking Ben and Dachsi, I imagined Thunder and Toby marching along in their favorite spots and poses. Toby always on a mission, running through the brush with that golden smile on his face. Thunder always tail held up high walking the trail ahead of me 

I sure miss my boys


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## swishywagga

Christa, I think of Toby and Thunder often, what beautiful boys they were, I know how much you miss them. Hugs sent over and please give Ben and Dachsi a belly rub each from me x


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## cgriffin

Thanks, will do


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## Doug

I like to think that they were with you on that walk Christa


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## dborgers

They're smiling down on you, watching the smiles on your face as Ben and Dachsi make you smile and laugh


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## HolDaisy

I often think of your boys too. Our bridge pets are never far away in our thoughts. I am sure that your lovely boys are smiling down on Ben and Dachsi and watching over you all.


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## cgriffin

I haven't been here in a while. It just seems to get harder - I don't know why. Thunder and Toby are always on my mind. 
When I walk Ben and Dachsi, I imagine them both walking along and it seems so real. I hug and kiss their urns every morning and night. I talk to them. Sigh......... I guess a broken heart won't really heal it just makes room for more love to be squeezed in but remains broken and you just learn to live with it. I think I have band aids all over my heart. 

Toby will be gone 18 months on the 30th and Thunder will be gone 9 months on the 2nd of October. Oh, I miss them so much!!

This is a photo of Toby and me when he was about 10 weeks old.

The second photo is of Thunder when he was about 20 months old.


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you  I know how much you miss your handsome boys. You're right our hearts never fully heal after losing a precious pet. I think of Daisy and Sadie several times a day, and also all of the dogs that we have lost over the years, it never gets any easier.

Your boys are always with you in spirit and they must both be smiling down when they see you with Ben and Dachsi.


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## swishywagga

I know how much you miss them Christa, I often think of your two gorgeous boys. I am so pleased you have Benny and Dachsi to keep you smiling, and of course I am certain that Toby and Thunder will be watching over you all with wagging tails and big smiles. Hugs to you, from me and Mr Barnaby x


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## Brinkleythegolden

I'm sorry, Christa. It's so hard. Hugs from Brinkley and me.


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## Doug

It is just surreal isn't it? 
How can such a big part of our lives seem to just vanish like that?

We know that they are watching and walking along side of us but we'd much rather have them here to see their bright and smily faces.

I hear ya!

Sending warm fuzzies to you and all of your boys!


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## hubbub

I can sympathize. Ugh - it just stinks! 

I'm so glad you posted those pictures of Toby and Thunder though.  I feel sort of silly, but I'd never noticed Thunder's shaggy hair until seeing him as a younger guy. I'm going to blame it on the fact I haven't had my eyes checked in a long time.


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## lhowemt

Very surreal, that is true. The love doesn't die at all.


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## Lucky Penny

Toby and Thunder are adorable babies! Just little fluff balls!


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## USAFWife74

Love from Ellie and I Christa. <3


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## Buddy's mom forever

Every now and then it hits harder than we think it still could. Hugs to you and your two from Charlie and me.


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## cgriffin

Thank you, yes it does and the upcoming holiday season does not make it any easier - second holiday season without Toby and first one without Thunder.

Ben made me smile this morning, because he was doing a typical Toby thing - sitting against the backrest of the couch, head against it. Oh the memories!

I am sure Charlie does things that remind you of your sweet Buddy.


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## cgriffin

Another Thanksgiving without Toby and the first one without Thunder 
Ben did his best to cheer me up - he has big shoes to fill. He reminded me of both boys yesterday 

I miss you and love you, boys!!!


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## lhowemt

cgriffin said:


> Another Thanksgiving without Toby and the first one without Thunder
> Ben did his best to cheer me up - he has big shoes to fill. He reminded me of both boys yesterday
> 
> I miss you and love you, boys!!!


That first year is tough, all of those firsts without. Big hug!


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## swishywagga

Thinking of you, comforting hugs sent x


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## pb2b

Keep dolling out the hugs Ben!!!


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## hubbub

Christa, I was thinking about your Toby and Thunder yesterday, actually thinking of so many furry ones... It's tough.


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## cgriffin

Thanks! 
I am sure you missed Miss Hannah so much - I was thinking of you and Hannah yesterday as well.


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you. I'm so glad that you've got little Ben to help you through, goldens really are the best healers!


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## cgriffin

So much sadness on the forum again 

In my own life - dealing with sister issues brought me right back to missing Toby and Thunder so much more. 

After they passed, I immersed myself into their photos and videos and my mind kept playing out their last days and moments over and over again - non-stop. 

Now, I don't want to think about their last days and moments, I just cannot take it. My mind immediately redirects when I go down that road and blocks it out. Anybody know what I mean? 

Last night, I was going through documents on my laptop and I found the letters I wrote right after Toby and Thunder's deaths. I wrote down every detail about their last day on Earth. Yep, I started sobbing again and I have been down ever since. My tears are flowing as I am writing this down. I know with the holidays here, it makes it so much harder and dealing with family disputes makes it all so much worse.....

Ben made me smile this morning, as he always does. He got up on the bed and cuddled into my arms, Dachsi was cuddled next to my head already. Precious time with my two fur babies.


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## hubbub

I can understand what you mean. It seems that each step I make forward suddenly pushes me back farther. I worry and feel guilt over a number of things. I've mentioned elsewhere, but I know they are not things I should be worried about, but I can't help but focus on them when that nagging sadness comes into my mind.


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## HolDaisy

I also know what you mean about trying to block out their final few days. It must be because in our minds we are trying to remember them when they were well and happy, and not focus on the 'bad bits', which is good in a way I suppose... It really does remind you even more when there's a celebration or certain time of year, like Christmas. Daisy used to love Christmas, she was terrified of the tree coming in the house, but loved it once it was up and she loved opening her pressies even more! It's been a sad time for us also, as we lost our Rottie girl Sadie a year ago.

They will always be around us and their memories will live on. I'm so glad Ben and Dachsi were there to give you cuddles


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## Doug

Toby and Thunder spent many many years reminding you to focus on your blessings and trying to kick dirt on the challenges. There is nothing to be gained by focussing on their last days but there is much empowerment to be gained by tuning in to the years of love you shared. 

"Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile"

When I'm Gone
by Mrs. Lyman Hancock

When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile

Forget unkind words I have spoken
Remember some good I have done
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had loads of fun

Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day

Then forget to grieve for my going
I would not have you sad for a day
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay

And come in the shade of evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best.

I also saw a beautiful post today from PuddleDuck saying that our pups reside in our hearts, when we feel that pain in our hearts that it their tails whacking us reminding us of their presence and well wishes. 

1901588_739534986066146_104720626_n.jpg Photo by Swotiemae | Photobucket

We also send you our very best wishes in the lead up to the holidays (which are so very difficult for many of us as we try to carry on with heavy hearts.) 

I am so glad that your special boys are doing such a good job of being there for you. I shall leave you with one last quote to ponder...
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/78250112249742848/

:wavey:


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## swishywagga

Just wanted to send you a comforting hug x


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## cgriffin

Thank you so much Ladies! It is nice to be able to write feelings out to people who understand. We have that common bond of having lost furry loved ones or have a senior we worry about. A big hug to all of you.
Thank you again!


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## Karen519

*Cgriffin*



cgriffin said:


> So much sadness on the forum again
> 
> In my own life - dealing with sister issues brought me right back to missing Toby and Thunder so much more.
> 
> After they passed, I immersed myself into their photos and videos and my mind kept playing out their last days and moments over and over again - non-stop.
> 
> Now, I don't want to think about their last days and moments, I just cannot take it. My mind immediately redirects when I go down that road and blocks it out. Anybody know what I mean?
> 
> Last night, I was going through documents on my laptop and I found the letters I wrote right after Toby and Thunder's deaths. I wrote down every detail about their last day on Earth. Yep, I started sobbing again and I have been down ever since. My tears are flowing as I am writing this down. I know with the holidays here, it makes it so much harder and dealing with family disputes makes it all so much worse.....
> 
> Ben made me smile this morning, as he always does. He got up on the bed and cuddled into my arms, Dachsi was cuddled next to my head already. Precious time with my two fur babies.


Cgriffin: I know EXACTLY what you mean. When I lost my parents and my Smooch and Snobear, I kept myself extremely busy and tried to do dog rescue, by emlg. rescues for Goldens all over the United States. I did ANYTHING to not think about it. I know some would say that isn't healthy, but it has worked for me. As far as losing Smooch and Snobear, we adopted immediately after losing each, so we got involved taking care of someone else that needed us, so as not to think about our loss.


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## GoldensGirl

Allowing ourselves time and space to grieve can be difficult at the best of times, and it is much harder when those around us don't understand. Sometimes I revisit Charlie's seizure thread and read again the pages about his last weeks. They remind me that he was ready, even though I wasn't, and that setting him free was really an expression of love. Now, Sunny licks my toes and reminds me that Goldens live in the here and now...and so should I. She and Joker do their celebratory back-dances, telling me today is good. 

Sending hugs and healing thoughts...


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## HolDaisy

^^ Beautiful poem, thank you for sharing.

Thinking of you Ben's Mom. We never stop missing them for a second. Your boys will live in your heart forever.


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## cgriffin

Thinking of you Thunder and Toby and missing you fiercely and loving you always!!!


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## swishywagga

Big hugs sent to you Christa x


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## cgriffin

Yesterday was the one year mark since we had to let Thunder go - I tried not to think about it and kept pretty busy. 
Thunder, I love and miss you, I hope you and Toby are together as brothers forever and checking in on us - would be nice to get a sign from you two again. Love you always!!!!!


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## GoldensGirl

Anniversaries are so hard. I hope that 2015 brings you joy! Your boys want that for you.


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## hubbub

The aches seem to come in waves, fits and splashes. Hugs to you and your boys


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## swishywagga

Big hugs sent across to you Christa, I know that both Thunder and Toby will be watching over you x


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## Lucky Penny

Thinking of you and your sweet boys.


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## cgriffin

Happy Birthday Thunder and Toby! We love and miss you so much!! 

We started celebrating Thunder's birthday along with Toby's birthday since we did not have a date for Thunder and he was estimated to have been born in March, it made it easier. 
When Dachsi joined the family, we added his birthday to the same day as well since he was also estimated to have a birthday in March. Kind of silly I know, but it worked for us and I bought all presents in threes.

I wish you were here my beloved boys :--heart::--heart:


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## swishywagga

Such a lovely photo of your boys, I am sure that they are partying at the bridge celebrating their special day looking down with big smiles on their handsome faces. Happy Birthday to lovely Dachsi too. Thinking of you today Christa and sending hugs x


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## Doug

Sending warm fuzzies to you and all of your boys.


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## hubbub

Happy Birthday to Thunder and Toby at the Bridge! It's never silly to celebrate a birthday - even if you have to guess when it is


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## Buddy's mom forever

Happy Birthday sweet boys, hope you have a big party going on there.
Yes as your mom said we love you and miss you so much.


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## Lucky Penny

Happy Birthday at the bridge!


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## *Laura*

Happy birthday Toby and Thunder. We all miss you. Hugs to you Christa


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## HolDaisy

Happy belated birthday to your handsome bridge boys, I know how much you miss them every day. I think it's lovely that you celebrated their birthdays on the same day, I bet they did not go short of treats, presents and fusses on that day especially 
They'll always be with you in spirit and will be remembered on this forum.


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## Turner4

cgriffin said:


> Yesterday was a rough day for Toby. Per instructions by the vet, I am suppose to increase his dose of Tramadol (50mg tablets) from 1-2 tablets twice a day to 3 tablets 2-3 times a day. Yeah, this did not go so well. Toby was worse yesterday, he was a barely walking, whiney mess. It was just killing me to see him like that. I was trying to get a hold of the vet and left a message but did not get a call back yet.
> Last night, I decided to just give him his usual Rimadyl and just one Tramadol tablet before going to bed. This morning, he is walking better and feeling better. I think the Tramadol dose was just way too high for him. Some dogs are just more sensitive to a drug than others.
> Anyway, I will see how it goes today with cutting back on the Tramadol.


My heart breaks for you and for Toby. I followed your link in your reply to my post regarding looking for a reputable breeder in Michigan. Just reading this brings back such heart rending memories, as this is what what we were going through with our Riley this past November. Just reading Tramadol and Rymadyl brings up the memories and makes me cry.

Our Riley had gotten to the point that he could no longer climb the stairs to sleep in our bedroom and my husband and I took turns sleeping on the floor with him in our lower level family room for months. Both my husband and my son (who works for an Emergency Veterinary Clinic) kept telling me that I had to "let him go" - but I just couldn't. I kept telling Riley to let me know when it was time - but he couldn't tell me because he loved us so much and he didn't want to leave us. But I had to make the final decision to let him go. I knew we had gotten to the point that I was being selfish in not wanting to let him go, because it was breaking my heart. We ended up having to euthanize him just before Thanksgiving.

As hard as that was, I wouldn't have traded the time we had with him for anything in the world. We / He had almost 15 years of unconditional love and I would (and am) doing it again in a heart beat.

I wish you and Toby the best of luck. Enjoy every moment you have with him.

Jan


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## Turner4

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry that I didn't read this entire thread. I am new to the forum and didn't look closely enough at the posted dates.

My heart goes out to you.


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## cgriffin

Turner4, thank you so much! 
Toby was a trooper, he had to go through so many arthritic issues and surgeries and he died of hemangiosarcoma - cancer March 30, 2013.

I am sorry for your loss of Riley! Good luck with your puppy search!


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## Turner4

cgriffin said:


> Turner4, thank you so much!
> Toby was a trooper, he had to go through so many arthritic issues and surgeries and he died of hemangiosarcoma - cancer March 30, 2013.
> 
> I am sorry for your loss of Riley! Good luck with your puppy search!


I sincerely hope that my reply did not stir up sad memories for you! Because I after I read your post, I went into a crying jag :~(

I am attaching a photo of our Riley that we gave to our vet for their memorial tree at Christmas last year.

When we lost him, someone sent me info about healing after the loss of a fur faced family member, and it was that we write a letter to him. I did, and it was 4 pages long, telling him how much we loved him and why, and how much we would miss him, and that we would never forget him. It was cathartic. 

We will put that letter, the attached photo, and his cremated remains under a special Memorial Tree at our family vacation home in August (where he loved to romp, play and swim). Our extended family will then have 4 beloved pets under that Memorial Tree.

Maybe this suggestion will help someone else who is grieving over the loss of their beloved fur face.

Jan


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## Karen519

*Happy Belated Birthday to your Bridge Boys*

Happy Belated birthday to your sweet Bridge Boys. I'm sure my Smooch and Snobear are celebrating with them!!


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## Turner4

Thanks, Karen. A lot of people just don't understand how much our pets become our family members. It's nice to have a forum like this where everyone "gets it" and can commiserate and celebrate and inform one another.


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## cgriffin

Turner4, your Riley was a very handsome guy - I am so happy that he lived such a happy and long life with you.

It stirred up some sad memories - I had lost Toby and then my lab mix Thunder 9 months later to the same cancer. Both my boys gave me immense joy and happiness for the duration of their lives, I cannot ask for more!

Thank you and thank you, Karen!


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## swishywagga

Christa, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today, I can't believe how the time has gone by. Toby will never be forgotten by so many, I hope with all my heart that he and Barnaby are friends at the bridge, I have a feeling that he often looks down on you all and will be so happy that you can smile again with the gift of Benny that he sent you. Big hugs to you all x


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## cgriffin

Thank you, Nicky, you are so sweet!
I can't believe it has been three years already. I miss Toby every day, as well as Thunder, it was his 2nd sad anniversary on January 2nd. I miss both of them so much. Their urns are on the nightstand next to my bed. I hug and kiss each urn every morning and every night and wish them good morning and night as well as the usual holidays and their birthdays which we celebrated together on March 12th. 

I don't really post about both passed on babies anymore - it is just too hard. When it first happened, their last hours played out in my mind non-stop day and night. I had to immerse myself into their photos and videos.
As time passes, it becomes harder to think about their final hours and as soon as my mind goes there, I stop it and push it way down. I don't want to think about it and just remember them as happy and healthy boys. Grief is such a powerhouse and never goes away. 

When I walk Ben and Dachsi, I still imagine Toby and Thunder ahead of us - Thunder always staying on the trail, tail held high and Toby doing his Toby thing and cutting through the brush - it makes me smile just to think about it - well, tears are welling up as well. 
Toby and Thunder are in my heart always and on my mind always. Ben does so many things that remind me of both boys and that really makes my day 

Thank you again, Nicky. Your friendship means so much!


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## HolDaisy

Thinking of you on this sad anniversary, what a lovely boy your Toby was (they both were). Toby and Thunder are definitely still with you and are watching over Ben and Dachsi for you. Take care.

Sent from my SM-A500FU using Tapatalk


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## Buddy's mom forever

Thinking of you today. 
Anniversaries are always hard. I know all about it, we cried together so many times. Hugs.


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