# This might seem crazy but I need some help



## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Hey guys... this doesnt really have much to do with Lucy but I need some advice from outside sources because I'm extremely lost right now... I'm going to try and make this as short as possible because it really is a long story and theres a lot to it. Well pretty much Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years he's been in Afghanistan most of the time lets just say it hasent been the best of relationships when hes here or when hes not. He can get very agressive and mad and even pushed me once when he was drinking. I forgave him for everything. Now he came back for the holidays but my parents didint want him to stay at the house so he had to leave to another city and now he wants me he is begging me to go up and spend the weekend with him but my parents are warning me that if I do go they wont take care of Lucy and that right there is a big problem because she is my baby obviously. I really dont think my mom will just not take care of Lucy but I'm not sure she really seems serious this time around. What is your take on this situation. Its crazy that I had to do this but I dont know what to do I'm in such a bad situation and I feel like Im going crazy. Please give me some feedback if any. Thank you as always.


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## ashleylp (Jul 23, 2011)

I don't really have much advice. I can't help but comment, however, that only you know your relationship with you boyfriend... I don't, but no one deserves to be with someone that has hurt them... physically, emotionally, psychologically, etc. If he has done that or continues to do that please consider how amazing you are and get out of that relationship. One shove can become a lot more really quickly.

When I have problems I just can't solve I try to think about what advice I'd give to my best friend if they were in the same situation. Would you tell your friend to stay with her puppy or go with her boyfriend that isn't always nice?


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## Ada's Mom (Aug 24, 2011)

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Is there any way you can take Lucy with you? Even for a just a day trip? Your first priority should be taking care of anything that's dependent on you. Even though i would hope your mom would take care of her anyway, I personally couldn't leave my dog with an off chance she won't be taken care of.

just my two cents.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Advice*

I know this will sound old fashioned, but I would LISTEN to your parents-they see something in him that they don't like and are afraid for you.
You said he has a temper and tried to PUSH you once. I would not go and meet him anywhere. Stay with Lucy-she is your responsibility and will love you alot more than he will.
I look back on my parents advice now that they have died and they were SO RIGHT!!


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Thank you so much for the great advice guys it means a lot to me. I told him if I could take Lucy and he said no because hes staying at his families house. He called me an idiot if I dont think my mom wouldnt take care of her. Ah


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Karen519 said:


> I know this will sound old fashioned, but I would LISTEN to your parents-they see something in him that they don't like and are afraid for you.
> You said he has a temper and tried to PUSH you once. I would not go and meet him anywhere. Stay with Lucy-she is your responsibility and will love you alot more than he will.
> I look back on my parents advice now that they have died and they were SO RIGHT!!


This is what I keep telling myself.


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## ashleylp (Jul 23, 2011)

I really hope you realize that you're no idiot and you don't deserve to be called one by someone who should ADORE you. You deserve to be treated much better than the way he is treating you. I know it is much easier said than done but I'd kick this guy to the curb!  Plus... Lucy is adorable... take her to the park alone and I'm sure some cute guy with a pup will come up to you eventually!


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*LucyD*

LucyD

He doesn't deserve you. He is just trying to manipulate you.
Be aware of a guy with anger issues-your parents are right and are trying to keep you safe.


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## Bentley's Mom (May 19, 2011)

You are a beautiful, intelligent, loving woman and if he thinks otherwise he is an IDIOT!!! I know it's easy for me to say but you and Lucy deserve better.


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## BajaOklahoma (Sep 27, 2009)

Best piece of advice I can give you - this is the best your relationship will ever be. People do NOT change for the better when they get married, they actually tend to get worse (a little to a lot). The guy who kept a clean apt now expects you to do it. The female who cooked all the time now wants the guy to do it.

He isn't showing you much respect at this point - making fun of you for worrying about whether Lucy will be taken care of is a bad sign. There is no excuse for hitting you - ever.
You need to respect yourself enough to let him go. You will find someone who loves you and treats you as you deserve.


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## fostermom (Sep 6, 2007)

He just called you an idiot and he has physically abused you in the past. Run fast in the other direction. Your parents are seeing what you aren't. You deserve better and should never, ever allow yourself to be emotionally or physically abused! Pushing leads to much, much more. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to NOT be physically or emotionally abused!


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## MelMcGarry (May 2, 2010)

I agree with the other posters. You don't deserve someone who does not respect you and who has already shown signs of abuse towards you. You and your Lucy are the number 1 priority - not someone who might hurt you.


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## FlyingQuizini (Oct 24, 2006)

LucyD said:


> This is what I keep telling myself.


Then you need to listen. You're worth it.


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## Sweet Girl (Jun 10, 2010)

LucyD said:


> Thank you so much for the great advice guys it means a lot to me. I told him if I could take Lucy and he said no because hes staying at his families house.* He called me an idiot* if I dont think my mom wouldnt take care of her. Ah


I think that right there is your answer. And I'm sorry for that. 

I would enjoy your weekend with Lucy - take her for a hike, play ball, sit on the couch with her and watch a movie. Treat yourself - because you deserve to be treated well.


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Thank you guys for all the great advice. I know this is not a relationship advice forum but this is really helpful to me right now since my guilt is taking over me... well the guilt he makes me feel.


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## bioteach (Nov 13, 2010)

I've worked with young people for over 40 years and as a teacher I have done quite a bit of counseling. I can tell you that an angry man who is uncompromising (and with a potential drinking problem as well) will leave you with far more tears than laughter. You will always walk on eggshells around him and never feel free and relaxed. In the back of your mind you will always worry about "offending" him thus unleasing more abuse.

Your intelligence and your inner voice is screaming at you. Wish him the best and get on with your life without him. Think about who YOU are - a kind, bright, and loving person. You won't change him. He is controlling, demanding, and will be likely to hurt both you and Lucy over and over. 

This is your chance to make a break and point yourself toward the future that you deserve.


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## jagmanbrg (Jan 4, 2011)

I normally don't get involved in relationship type stuff, but as a guy I had to respond. 

Any guy who calls his gf an "Idiot" has issues and doesn't really care about you, end of story, period. I personally loathe guys who lay a hand on females, being drunk is an excuse and makes me loathe them even more. 

I would end all contact with this individual, I know that sounds hard, but from what you have said I have no problem giving that advice, at first I thought, how can we give you advice over the internet and with so little information, but even with what you have told us I think that's enough to tell you, you deserve better.

I will say this, be prepared, just with what you have said, I'm sure he will try to make you feel like crap. He will spout off crap like, omg I gotta go back to Afganistan, I can't believe your doing this to me...blah...blah. Screw that. He has verbally and physically abused you and needs to go.

Didn't mean to rant, hopefully you take everyone's advice.

Matt


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## Phillyfisher (Jan 9, 2008)

Stay home, don't bother going. You can't always see the big picture when you are in the middle of it. He is manipulating you. Real men don't give guilt trips, and love you for who you are. Please don't settle for this jerk. You can do so much better...


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

jagmanbrg said:


> I normally don't get involved in relationship type stuff, but as a guy I had to respond.
> 
> Any guy who calls his gf an "Idiot" has issues and doesn't really care about you, end of story, period. I personally loathe guys who lay a hand on females, being drunk is an excuse and makes me loathe them even more.
> 
> ...


Thank you Matt for expressing your thoughts. It's interesting you say that he is going to bring up the Afghanistan stuff because thats exactly what he does and blames me for him having a horrible vacation and ruining the whole relationship period. Thank you for making me see things clearer.


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## rob1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Boy- I just had to chime in on this one. As to the initial question- Lucy is your dog. If your parents don't want to take responsibility for watching her while you're gone, it is totally inappropriate to just leave her anyway and assume they'll take care of her (even if you know they will). You asked them for a favor- it is totally reasonable for them to say 'no' for whatever reason or no reason at all. At that point- you make other arrangements (such as finding a reputable kennel and paying to have her stay there) or you don't go.

All of which is moot- since no way in HELL you should continue in a relationship with a guy who has already pushed you. Period. The relationship should have ended right there. I'd also end it over him calling you an idiot for not wanting to just up and leave your dog and assume your parents will accept the imposition when they have already said they will not. That one is at least arguable- but I'd drop him like the bad habit he is for it.

Just end it with this guy. The warning signs are are all over the place in big red letters.


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

rob1 said:


> Boy- I just had to chime in on this one. As to the initial question- Lucy is your dog. If your parents don't want to take responsibility for watching her while you're gone, it is totally inappropriate to just leave her anyway and assume they'll take care of her (even if you know they will). You asked them for a favor- it is totally reasonable for them to say 'no' for whatever reason or no reason at all. At that point- you make other arrangements (such as finding a reputable kennel and paying to have her stay there) or you don't go.
> 
> All of which is moot- since no way in HELL you should continue in a relationship with a guy who has already pushed you. Period. The relationship should have ended right there. I'd also end it over him calling you an idiot for not wanting to just up and leave your dog and assume your parents will accept the imposition when they have already said they will not. That one is at least arguable- but I'd drop him like the bad habit he is for it.
> 
> Just end it with this guy. The warning signs are are all over the place in big red letters.


Thank you  Lucy is the reason why I'm not going to go because she is my life and even though I know my mom will take care of her I just can't risk it, not this time at least. They really don't want me going so they are doing everything in their power so that I stay and Lucy is the one that makes me stay.


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## Deb_Bayne (Mar 18, 2011)

If a man can put his hands on a woman once he will and always does it again and it gets worse and worse as time goes on.

Just the fact that you wrote this post tells us you already know your answer and are just looking for backup, listen to your gut and you have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilt for. Love your Lucy and most importantly LOVE yourself.... look at yourself through Lucy's eyes and you'll see the LOVE shining in there.


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## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

I too don't usually respond to these kinds of posts but I really needed to this time. Speaking from personal experience keep this in mind what he is now is suppose to be the best of times,courting each other, so if he acts this way now he will only get worse. I have seen it and FELT it. This type of behavior is a circle -1/3 of the time is good and that is what you love, 1/3 of the time is egg shells and you live in fear and 1/3 of the time is AWFUL and JUST when you think you are capable of ending it the good times start and you give in. You are a wonderful human being so believe in yourself and do what is best for you and Lucy.


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Thank you for everyone that has responded to this post even though they dont usually do so. I myself am not the type of person to put my life out there but I just feel so absolutely lost and hopeless in a way that I had to post and see what golden lovers like myself had to say as you all always give me great advice on all my golden questions. Once again thank you all for putting expressing your opinions on this issue I have. It is greatly appreciated.


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## Solas Goldens (Nov 10, 2007)

I am speaking from experience here, as I have been in your shoes.

My observation is this. Your mom is refusing to take care of Lucy becasue she understands that you place a higher value on keeping you dog safe, than yourself. I'm sure that it is her way of trying to keep you both safe. Listen to her, you deserve to be happy and in a loving relationship. People that are aggressive and have the potential for violence whether it is verbal or physical are dangerous. Unless they are actively receiving treatment and working to change, you are putting yourself at risk.
Please take care of yourself.


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## Charliethree (Jul 18, 2010)

If you have to ask yourself 'Should I go?', I would think that would say it all. A loving trusting relationship does not build itself on fear, intimidation or disrespect. Do yourself a favor and relieve your parents worries and ditch this guy- nothing good will ever come from someone who is capable of being physically and verbally abusive to someone they supposedly care about.


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

Karen519 said:


> I know this will sound old fashioned, but I would LISTEN to your parents-they see something in him that they don't like and are afraid for you.
> You said he has a temper and tried to PUSH you once. I would not go and meet him anywhere. Stay with Lucy-she is your responsibility and will love you alot more than he will.
> I look back on my parents advice now that they have died and they were SO RIGHT!!


I agree with this completely. You said the relationship is not good, take this opportunity to end it, it will not get better, and you can not change him. 

Your parents are concerned for you, listen to them, don't go.


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## mayapaya (Sep 28, 2011)

you cannot change him--either he changes for himself, or you will have to walk--your parents are giving you the best advise==I am sorry you are having to go through this--but Lucy will bring you strength!!


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## C's Mom (Dec 7, 2009)

Please don't let him use his war experience/stresses as an excuse to be abusive to you. Was he a jerk before the war too? Regardless, he should be getting some help dealing with his emotional issues.
Walk away from this one. Good things are coming if you let them.


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## Elisabeth Kazup (Aug 23, 2008)

I didn't read the whole thread, but most of it. Sounds like you've decided not to go. I was going to suggest you ask yourself a couple of questions about the relationship and him and yourself:

1. Do you agree with the assessment that you are an idiot?

2. Do you agree that you need and deserved to be pushed from time to time when he's mad?

3. Do you agree that hitting a dog is okay if the dog has been 'bad' or made you mad?

If you answer is no to any of these questions, then you need to break up with him. I put in question #3 because I think you are at least as valuable as a dog and should be treated with the same kindness no matter what you say or do. And if he pushes or hits YOU, he'll eventually push or hit LUCY.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*LucyD*

LucyD

Just checking in on you and Lucy!
He doesn't deserve you!


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## mm03gn (Sep 24, 2008)

I'm a female about your age so I thought I would chime in too. I have seen many friends go through what you are going through. You probably are not still in love with this guy, but rather you know what he is capable of and fear what he will do if you try to break it off. My best friend stayed in a relationship for over a year in that fear. When she finally decided to end it, as she was about to drive away he jumped in her car, grabbed her phone and threw it out the window and demanded they work things out. She drove directly to the police station and told him to get the eff out of her car. She now talks candidly about that relationship and how the whole time she was on eggshells trying not to rock the boat. 

I was the only one at that time to call her out on the relationship and tell her to get out. She was mad at me at first but now will tell me she knew I was right she just didn't know how to get out at the time...so defended him until she just couldn't take it any longer. 

Your parents are trying to do the same thing. They love you more than the world and it must be killing them to see their young, beautiful daughter with all of the potential in the world wasting her time and energy with a loser than this. 

You will not marry this guy. Luckily you already know he's not good news, and things will only get worse from here rather than better. If you need help making the break please let us know. There are a lot of very wise people on here who have lived it and seen it many times. He's not going to let you go easily, and it will be hard to break free...but please do it. For your parents, for Lucy, but most importantly for yourself.


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Hey everyone... I really wanted to say thank you to all of you who have posted and given me your honest opinions it means so much to me. I am still home... hes being calling me since 6 am this morning asking me why and begging me to please go up and be with him that all he wants to do now is love me. This has to be one of the most frustrating times I have been to and I just sometimes wish I didint have this relationship. I feel like such a bad person right now and its killing me inside. Thank you everyone for being here and giving me such amazing advice and caring about someone you dont know personally. You are all amazing.


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## Belle's Mom (Jan 24, 2007)

Thank you for asking for others opinions and for listening. I read this last night, but did not post as I agree with the advice you have been given and am also one of those who usually does not post in relationship threats......but I decided to now because I want to add one thing:

You are not a bad person and please don't feel that way......seems that may be one of his manipulation tactics. You deserve so much better than someone who makes you feel that way. I think you know it is not the best for you and it is just hard to accept sometimes....it is hard to accept that you put so much time and energy into something that has not worked out. It is sometimes hard to admit when your parents are right (I still have a hard time with this sometimes)....

Also, you have to look out for you and Lucy.....would you want him being her doggie daddy? Is he the best for your baby?


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## Ninde'Gold (Oct 21, 2006)

Just seeing this thread now, you've gotten a lot of great advice that I agree with. I've been in an abusive relationship and it took me 5 years to get out of it. I always look back and wish I had left within the first year and had listened to my mom but I kept telling her "He'd change".

I think you should just let him go. What if he hurts you again...or hurts Lucy... no one wants to see anything happen to you two.

If you ever need to talk you can PM me. 

Hang in there


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Reply*

You are not a bad person for choosing to say NO to protect yourself and Lucy.
Seems to me you are the one making all of the sacrifices. I think he is just trying to manipulate you!


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## Sosoprano (Apr 27, 2011)

Just found this thread now, and it brought back so many frightening memories of my stepdaughter’s experience last spring with her then on-again off-again boyfriend. We begged her to end it (he was physically abusive as well), and when she finally found the strength to break it off for good and he realized she meant it, he threatened to post embarrassing pictures of her on Facebook and to e-mail the pics to her boss at her new job. She had some of her stuff at his apartment and he said he’d change the locks and never give it back. He showed up at her work, just watching the office from his truck. He knew exactly how to push her buttons to make her feel like she was a stupid, insensitive b*tch. We ended up spending Father’s Day at the police station learning about restraining orders (though she never did get one). It was a horrible time for her.

But two weeks after she was finally clear of him she met the love of her life. We adore the guy; they have a healthy, balanced relationship; she glows all the time; and they just celebrated their 6-month anniversary. 

The point of this long post is that as long as you are stuck in the negativity, there is no room for happiness: Negativity tends to attract more negativity. So my advice is to take a deep breath, surround yourself with good support (to help you stay both strong and safe), and cut that tie. He might do and say things you never imagined he would once he realizes you’re serious. Be prepared, lean on your support system, and keep your eye on the prize--your future. You will be amazed at the transformation in your life when you are free. (((Hugs))).


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Sosoprano said:


> Just found this thread now, and it brought back so many frightening memories of my stepdaughter’s experience last spring with her then on-again off-again boyfriend. We begged her to end it (he was physically abusive as well), and when she finally found the strength to break it off for good and he realized she meant it, he threatened to post embarrassing pictures of her on Facebook and to e-mail the pics to her boss at her new job. She had some of her stuff at his apartment and he said he’d change the locks and never give it back. He showed up at her work, just watching the office from his truck. He knew exactly how to push her buttons to make her feel like she was a stupid, insensitive b*tch. We ended up spending Father’s Day at the police station learning about restraining orders (though she never did get one). It was a horrible time for her.
> 
> But two weeks after she was finally clear of him she met the love of her life. We adore the guy; they have a healthy, balanced relationship; she glows all the time; and they just celebrated their 6-month anniversary.
> 
> The point of this long post is that as long as you are stuck in the negativity, there is no room for happiness: Negativity tends to attract more negativity. So my advice is to take a deep breath, surround yourself with good support (to help you stay both strong and safe), and cut that tie. He might do and say things you never imagined he would once he realizes you’re serious. Be prepared, lean on your support system, and keep your eye on the prize--your future. You will be amazed at the transformation in your life when you are free. (((Hugs))).


Thank you so much  My parents are practically begging me to please end it with him because they say they dont see anything good from this relationship. I know I need to be strong but its so hard when you are being blamed for it all...


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## Evie (Dec 22, 2011)

Just want to say I am holding a good thought for you to stay strong and believe in yourself. A man with his head on straight would not be calling and begging since 6 AM.


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

LucyD said:


> Thank you so much  My parents are practically begging me to please end it with him because they say they dont see anything good from this relationship. I know I need to be strong but its so hard when you are being blamed for it all...


Blamed for what, blamed for him drinking, blamed for him shoving you, blamed for him trying to make you feel guilty, blamed for him calling you names? You have nothing to feel bad about. What have you done wrong? Nothing. 

You need to look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a good person and you are doing the right thing for yourself, and believe it.


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## Debles (Sep 6, 2007)

I agree .. who is blaming you? HIM? he doesn't have a leg to stand on. I would NEVER be with someone who called me an idiot , let alone hit me. No matter what his excuses.

Stay where you are with your pup and take care of yourself.


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## Sosoprano (Apr 27, 2011)

LucyD said:


> Thank you so much  My parents are practically begging me to please end it with him because they say they dont see anything good from this relationship. I know I need to be strong but its so hard when you are being blamed for it all...


That is absolutely the hardest part. It was astounding how my SD's ex was able to make her feel guilty for "making" him do awful things. And then of course he would go way in the other direction and be unbelievably sweet, even saying "I love you" for the first time, and he'd go back and forth between horrible and sweet so fast she practically had whiplash. 

You have to trust someone, right? Why not choose your parents who love you, your friends who support you, and those of us on the forum who have no history of doing you harm instead of a guy who is a proven pain inflictor... 

Take the leap. It will be worth it


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Thank you all once again! I dont know if I did the right thing or not but he's gone into a rage... I spoke to him on the phone and hes in a rage. He can't believe Ive done this to him on his vacation here. So he says he's coming down here to tell my parents off. UGH I FEEL LIKE IM GOING CRAZY


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## mm03gn (Sep 24, 2008)

This is going to be hard, but you need to tell him that if he steps foot on your parents property the police will be called. And follow through if he does. You need to send a very strong message that you will not be manipulated by him. The fact that he is actually upset with your parents right now shows how completely irrational he is. Unfortunately you probably haven't even SEEN his bad side yet so please tell your parents what he has said and so they can support you when you begin to buckle. (which you will want to do). 

Please keep coming here for advice when you need reassurance. No one here is underestimating how hard of a situation you are in. But not one person has said you should attempt to work this relationship out. Big hugs to you!!


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## Sosoprano (Apr 27, 2011)

mm03gn said:


> This is going to be hard, but you need to tell him that if he steps foot on your parents property the police will be called. And follow through if he does. You need to send a very strong message that you will not be manipulated by him. The fact that he is actually upset with your parents right now shows how completely irrational he is. Unfortunately you probably haven't even SEEN his bad side yet so please tell your parents what he has said and so they can support you when you begin to buckle. (which you will want do).
> 
> Please keep coming here for advice when you need reassurance. No one here is underestimating how hard of a situation you are in. But not one person has said you should attempt to work this relationship out. Big hugs to you!!


Excellent, solid advice. You might also consider blocking his calls and texts. Every time you respond to him you give him an opportunity to launch more WMDs at you. If he can’t reach you, he can’t hurt you.

Also, keep your parents in the loop. I’m sure they will do whatever it takes to protect themselves and you. I’m guessing that they have some resources you don’t have, too, so it will probably be much easier for them to keep everyone safe than it would be for you alone. Time to circle the wagons and ride out his tantrum. Just make sure that, whatever you do, you don’t underestimate what lengths he might go to with his anger. Better to assume the worst and be safe than to assume he’d never do X and find out what happens if you’re wrong. Hang in there!!!


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## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

Please remember that if his begging and promises of love don't make you give in he will pour on more guilt and make himself to be the victim. This is when you have to stand strong. Say to yourself if I had a daughter and she was being treated and talked to this way what would I tell her to do. You are not responsible for making him happy, you will never change him. Every time one gives in the other person realizes how much power over you they have. You keep the power. Remind your self daily how wonderful you are, how capable you are and how much your parents and friends really love you. Real love does not act they way he is acting. You are in my thoughts!


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## goldensrbest (Dec 20, 2007)

Stay away from him, listen to your parents, they love you.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Lucy*

Lucy

Saying some prayers for all of you. Stay Safe-he could be dangerous, to both you and your parents and Lucy.


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## mudEpawz (Jan 20, 2011)

Good for you! Take one day at a time and surround yourself with positive people and thoughts. I say separate yourself from him and do it quick – like when you rip off a Band-Aid. Remember whose important in your life and spend your time with them. Life is too short to waste it with someone who doesnt treat you right.


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## jagmanbrg (Jan 4, 2011)

I would get a EPO, (emergency protective order) If I were you, when you say he is in a "Rage" that's not cool. This guy is obviously not right in the head, sorry to be so blunt, but he's not. 


Miami-Dade County - Clerk of Courts

Is he still in the military? If so when does he ship back out?


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## k9mom (Apr 23, 2009)

stay strong. Please end this relationship before he goes back. You deserve much better.


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Hey guys... thank you all for being so supportive, I forgot how many great people there is in this world. Ive been stuck in this vicious circle for so long I had forgotten. It's been a pretty bad day of text messages from him from telling me its over to telling me he will always love me... it hurts so much and all I hope is that this coming year will be a better one because today has been such a bad ending of a year that I don't know anymore...


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## Oaklys Dad (Dec 28, 2005)

You are a beautiful girl and deserve to be treated so much better. End the abuse now. Things will not get better. Cut all ties as soon as you can. I have another friend who is going through the same thing and I can tell you it will not improve. Cut your ties and move on.


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## amy22 (May 11, 2008)

I am 52 years olds and was in a bad relationship. I made the mistake of moving from GA to CA to live with my X fiancee..he was an verbally abusive alcoholic. It took alot but I left him and his abuse. Thos kind of guys will try to say things to make you think that all the stuff is your fault...it is NOT. It is THEM and they will never change. Please stay away form him and keep the relatiuonship OVER. 
If you would like to talk PM me and Ill give you my email address or phone number. 
I have been where you are. It takes alot to get out of a relationship like that, but you are a strong woman and you have a family that is there for you. I did it...and so can you. End the relationship...no more answering phone calls, texts, emails ets..end it completely Its the only way you will ever be rid of him and his abuse.
Im sorry that I seem so angry...its just something that I feel strongly about..Im proud of myself, that I got away from that. No more walking on eggshells for me! Im happy once again.


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## cubbysan (Mar 13, 2007)

Hugs to you and prayers for fresh beginnings.

You not only have to protect yourself but Lucy too. Many abusive partners will hurt the pets and children of those they are trying to control/abuse.


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

LucyD said:


> Hey guys... thank you all for being so supportive, I forgot how many great people there is in this world. Ive been stuck in this vicious circle for so long I had forgotten. It's been a pretty bad day of text messages from him from telling me its over to telling me he will always love me... it hurts so much and all I hope is that this coming year will be a better one because today has been such a bad ending of a year that I don't know anymore...


Sweetheart, it will get better.


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Thank you everyone for all the great support. Means a lot to me.  Happy New Year to you all.


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## Elisabeth Kazup (Aug 23, 2008)

I wanted to add that if he is still active duty and you feel threatened by him you can report him to his commanding officer. All you have to do is give his name at the nearest recruiting station. The officer there will take care of it from there. There is help on your side if you feel he might harm you and your family or Lucy.


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## flykelley (Oct 15, 2011)

LucyD said:


> Thank you so much for the great advice guys it means a lot to me. I told him if I could take Lucy and he said no because hes staying at his families house. He called me an idiot if I dont think my mom wouldnt take care of her. Ah


Girl just read what you wrote in the above quote. That right there is reason enough not to go. You and Lucy deserve way better than that. Just my 2 cents but I think in your heart you know that you need to take care of Lucy.

Good Luck Mike


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*LucyD*

LucyD

Take Amy22 up on her offer to talk to you. She has lived THIS and she is so right!! You will meet someone that is DESERVING of you someday and you will look back on this and know how RIGHT you were to let this guy go.
Happy New Year to you, Lucy and your parents that LOVE YOU very much!!
I would do anything to have my parents back for just 5 minutes to tell them how much I love them and appreciate everything they did for my sister and I!!


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## Deb_Bayne (Mar 18, 2011)

You know reading through this thread brought up a lot of memories and many more of hindsights. I was also in prior abusive relationships, all emotional, one physical and some just plain immaturity (young and naive). As I was reading through your feelings about this relationship and your connection to him I felt more that your guilt is not coming from what he has said to you, it's your guilt, blame towards yourself allowing this relationship to continue. The reasons that it's so hard to get out is the feeling that you've 'failed' and this is one of the most hardest feelings that any of us have to deal with. Whether the failure is in a job, a project, a relationship it's that feeling we have to realize that failure doesn't mean the end of it all...... it really means the beginning of something wonderful and new. The irony that this happens on the end of the year is telling you, it's time to close that chapter and begin brand new. 

Please heed all the advice from others here and most importantly your parents advice need to be placed well above your BF's since they truly love you with all their heart and soul and they know your beauty inside and out. 

If your BF does not look at you with the same look and feeling as Lucy does then you know his love for you isn't real and that it is only coming from a place of fear. Yes, his fear, this is where his anger is coming from. He has so much fear that it has overtaken his rationality, like others' have said, if he is not admitting his part in the relationship breaking down then he will never ever take personal responsibility for anything else in life, everything will always be somebody else's fault. He has already shown this in blaming your parents. 

Whatever your choices you always have support from somewhere, it may not be the support you want though, this is why you have to pick your choices based on your true heart feelings and not what your head is trying to tell you.


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## GoldensGirl (Aug 2, 2010)

LucyD said:


> Thank you all once again! I dont know if I did the right thing or not but he's gone into a rage... I spoke to him on the phone and hes in a rage. He can't believe Ive done this to him on his vacation here. So he says he's coming down here to tell my parents off. UGH I FEEL LIKE IM GOING CRAZY


You have gotten a lot of excellent advice. Now I want to add one more bit: Please call the police and tell them about this man and his rage. Ask them to check on your parents' house from time to time and on your residence if you don't live with your parents.

Women who are abused often die at the hands of their abusers. This is most likely to happen when the woman attempts to end the relationship.

Until he is out of the country, I encourage you to stay with your parents. Under no circumstances should you agree to meet him or see him anywhere. Your life may be in danger if you do. You cannot save this man and you cannot fix what is wrong with him and/or your relationship with him.

I hope that 2012 brings you a much healthier and happier relationship!


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## Belle's Mom (Jan 24, 2007)

Thinking of you and checking up on you.


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## 3goldens (Nov 7, 2011)

I think you've gotten some great advice here. It sounds like your young, and believe you me, you don't need to live life with an abusive person.

If he comes to your house , call the cops. You can not reason with someone who is mentally unstable which it sounds like this guy is

Hope you stay safe


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## Marjorie (Jul 3, 2011)

LucyD --I may have missed where you said if he's in the Service or a contractor in Afghanistan. If he's a soldier, you may have more options --people to talk with. But your best news is he's your BOYFRIEND. Not HUSBAND. You owe him nothing. I know how hard it can be to give up --I stayed for 17 years. Please don't do that! Listen to these great folks!


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## bioteach (Nov 13, 2010)

I am so glad that you and Lucy are still home and safe. Abusers are very manipulative and excel making others feel guilty. You are smarter than that! 

Your inner voice led you to ask for advice, and many good people have your best interests in mind. NO ONE suggested that you should play the "kiss-and-make-up" game. NO ONE advised you to drop Lucy at a kennel and race to his side. NO ONE sees a positive outcome if you continue your relationship with this guy.

If you do not answer him he will give up and find someone else to shove around. Stay strong.


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## amy22 (May 11, 2008)

Just checking in on you. I hope you are doing well and starting 2012 out happy!! xxoo


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*LucyD*

LucyD

Just checking in on you and Lucy!


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## Sweet Girl (Jun 10, 2010)

Hi there... just checking in to say hi. 

Even though I don't know you, I'm very proud of you for staying strong and not going to visit. 

I want to also just offer some advice based on experience: be prepared for sudden kindness that will likely come very soon. In the cycle of abuse, normally the abuser will go through periods of making you feel awful and worthless (you ruined his vacation!) but then he will "forgive" you, he'll slowly come back to you, and dangle a little carrot - say something that makes you feel wonderful, or give you a gift, and so you forgive and make excuses for the previous bad behavior. It's NOT your fault if you have been through this before - and it is really hard to see this cycle of abuse when you are in the middle of it. But please just think about this if he is suddenly being all nice. Think about the last time this happened - he went from making you feel awful, to making you feel wonderful. It's a pattern - it's abusive - and you need to get out. 

I hope you had a good weekend with Lucy. Stay strong!


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## Aislinn (Nov 13, 2010)

Penny's Mom is correct. You need to contact his 'first shirt' or go to a recruiter's office and report him. Let them know what he is doing. Record his phone calls and notify your local police. Stay with your parents. This man sounds like a very controlling man and if things don't go his way, the anger will come out. It will only get worse, especially the closer you are in a relationship with him. You are a beautiful person, you want to find someone who will respect you and treat you as his other half. Let us know how you are doing.


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## Marjorie (Jul 3, 2011)

Sweet Girl said:


> *I'm very proud of you for staying strong* and not going to visit.
> *Be prepared for sudden kindness* that will likely come very soon... he will "forgive" you, he'll slowly come back to you, and dangle a little carrot - *say something that makes you feel wonderful, or give you a gift*, and so you forgive and make excuses for the previous bad behavior.* It's NOT your fault* if you have been through this before - and it is really hard to see this cycle of abuse when you are in the middle of it.
> 
> I hope you had a good weekend with Lucy. *Stay strong*! [Emphasis and editing mine]



I only have one thing to add. *IF he succeeds in luring you back, it is still not your fault.* Many of us have been there! *Don't be ashamed* to tell us or anybody when it turns sour again. Gather as big a support network as you can.


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Hey everyone thank you all for checking in on me and being so caring and wonderful. I actually didn't really get the chance to get on yesterday and post anything because he drove down after he realized I wasn't going up to see him like he wanted. It was a very stressful day I even have chest pain today. He's staying in a hotel now and is begging me to go and stay with him. I feel like I'm stuck and there's no way of getting out of it.

What do you guys think about these words that came out of his mouth: " There's this girl I met online and I'm going to go meet her in Orlando and I'm going to sleep with her" this is what he said and a few other things. So I told him, how could you say something like that and then expect to believe you want to be with me. He then says he just said that to piss me off because he is so mad I'm not there with him like I should be, like a good girlfriend would. 

So this is what is going on... it's very stressful for me and I just feel hopeless and like a completely horrible bad person for doing this to me. I hope I get strength from within somehow because I feel like I'm becoming weak again. Anyways... thank you all for caring so much and even though none of you know me personally you have been here for me and given me amazing advice. I can't say it enough Thank you all!


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## Aislinn (Nov 13, 2010)

Tell him it's over. Then don't answer your phone, don't answer the door. If this is what he does as a boyfriend, what will it be like if you get closer. You deserve better. Hold tight and keep your resolve. You deserve better and you'll find it.


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## SheetsSM (Jan 17, 2008)

Hang tough--but you need to block his calls & texts as it will only prolong the drama. Is there any way you & Lucy can get out of town to see friends or family elsewhere until his R&R is over?


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## becky101803 (Dec 1, 2011)

Stop answering his phone calls. He can't get in your head if you don't take the calls. Who cares if he is sitting in a hotel room feeling sorry for himself. He deserves it. He is abusive and possibly dangerous.


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## Sosoprano (Apr 27, 2011)

LucyD said:


> Hey everyone thank you all for checking in on me and being so caring and wonderful. I actually didn't really get the chance to get on yesterday and post anything because he drove down after he realized I wasn't going up to see him like he wanted. It was a very stressful day I even have chest pain today. He's staying in a hotel now and is begging me to go and stay with him. I feel like I'm stuck and there's no way of getting out of it.
> 
> What do you guys think about these words that came out of his mouth: " There's this girl I met online and I'm going to go meet her in Orlando and I'm going to sleep with her" this is what he said and a few other things. So I told him, how could you say something like that and then expect to believe you want to be with me. He then says he just said that to piss me off because he is so mad I'm not there with him like I should be, like a good girlfriend would.
> 
> So this is what is going on... it's very stressful for me and *I just feel hopeless and like a completely horrible bad person for doing this to me.* I hope I get strength from within somehow because I feel like I'm becoming weak again. Anyways... thank you all for caring so much and even though none of you know me personally you have been here for me and given me amazing advice. I can't say it enough Thank you all!


Do me a favor and take a look at the checklist here Antisocial personality disorder and see if anything (lying? using charm to manipulate others? intimidation?) sounds familiar. If it does, grab a lifeline--a close friend, family, whoever--and tell them you need their help to resist this guy. He has carefully cultivated your feelings for him and learned your weak spots to keep you in line. Essentially he’s made you addicted to him. And it works so well for him precisely because you are NOT a completely horrible bad person. If you were an awful person, he couldn’t use your conscience against you. 

There’s no future here, honey. Break the addiction. 

And BTW, you may think you’re not strong enough to do that, but your subconscious mind knows better. Just take a look at the last two words in the bolded sentence above. You hold the keys to your freedom; you just have to use them


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## Phillyfisher (Jan 9, 2008)

Keep hanging tough; you are doing great! You have gotten so much good advice and support here. Like others have said, establish your support network, and cut off all ties. You are strong, even if you do not know it yet, and you certainly do not need him in your life...better things are ahead for you.


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## GoldensGirl (Aug 2, 2010)

LucyD said:


> ...So this is what is going on... it's very stressful for me and I just feel hopeless and like a completely horrible bad person for doing this to me. I hope I get strength from within somehow because I feel like I'm becoming weak again. Anyways... thank you all for caring so much and even though none of you know me personally you have been here for me and given me amazing advice. I can't say it enough Thank you all!


What you're going through is exactly what _he_ wants you to go through!

Somewhere near you there is probably a support program for women who have been trapped in an abusive relationship. That would be a good place for you to connect and draw strength, ideally with a good counselor who knows all of the games that abusers play. You need defenses that can be learned, but not everybody knows how to teach them.

Meanwhile, don't take his phone calls. Get someone else to answer the phone and take a message if the caller asks for you, so you choose whether to return the call. Don't answer his email - maybe don't even read it, since there is nothing he can say that you need to hear. 

Under no circumstances should you _ever_ see this man again.

Reread the things in this thread, especially the posts by men. Keep re-reading until you know that you are lucky to have escaped from a monster.


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## elly (Nov 21, 2010)

Oh Lucy, lovely girl, you DO know what to do, you stay away from this man, he is TROUBLE and you are scared of what he can do. PLEASE listen to that voice in your head that made you reach out to us in the first instance and END IT. Do NOT speak to him anymore, CUT ALL CONTACT, PLEASE! You have a whole life ahead of you, a potentially beautiful life and it is NOT with this man! And it will not be by being shoved, pushed, manipulated, blackmailed, namecalled, bullied, stalked and terrorised. Lucy, your parents love you more than anyone will EVER love you in your entire life and they will have done and will do whatever it takes to protect you. They used Lucy to try and do that, you must now protect them and their fears for you and stay safe and finish this so called relationship. Please lovely girl, you are no idiot. I have been called allsorts in a relationship before and after a while you start to believe it...please please please dont let that happen to you. BIG HUGS. Stay away from him. I will beg if I have to! x


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## Deb_Bayne (Mar 18, 2011)

LucyD said:


> Hey everyone thank you all for checking in on me and being so caring and wonderful. I actually didn't really get the chance to get on yesterday and post anything because he drove down after he realized I wasn't going up to see him like he wanted. It was a very stressful day I even have chest pain today. He's staying in a hotel now and is begging me to go and stay with him. I feel like I'm stuck and there's no way of getting out of it.
> 
> What do you guys think about these words that came out of his mouth: " There's this girl I met online and I'm going to go meet her in Orlando and I'm going to sleep with her" this is what he said and a few other things. So I told him, how could you say something like that and then expect to believe you want to be with me. He then says he just said that to piss me off because he is so mad I'm not there with him like I should be, like a good girlfriend would.
> 
> So this is what is going on... it's very stressful for me and I just feel hopeless and like a completely horrible bad person for doing this to me. I hope I get strength from within somehow because I feel like I'm becoming weak again. Anyways... thank you all for caring so much and even though none of you know me personally you have been here for me and given me amazing advice. I can't say it enough Thank you all!


OH please please please, do not let him make you FEEL LESS of yourself. From what you are saying he is a complete cad and you need to stop talking with him, stop taking his calls and go stay with your parents and forbid him to step on their property. For him to threaten to sleep with someone else just to get back at you.... this man does NOT LOVE YOU!!! plain and simple. Throw him to the curb and be thankful you're not married and have kids with him....


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*LucyD*

LucyD

I have seen shows where women have been maimed and disfigured and killed by their boyfriends, husbands. Listen to what your GUT IS telling you and stay AWAY from him.

He is threatening to sleep with someone else-let him. He surely is NOT WORTH IT!

Lucy: Do you live with your parents?


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## flykelley (Oct 15, 2011)

Lucy, this is coming from a man run as fast and as quick as you can from this guy. A man doesn't treat woman like he is treating you. Oh he is going to met a girl online and sleep with her?? Good luck and get the hell out of my life would be the last words he ever heard from me. You are too smart and too young to put up with this kind of BS. As I told on of my daughters boyfriend once when I found out he was screaming at her after she had a panic attack, he had called and I took the phone from her and told him do not come back here or call or you will be dealing with me. You don't treat anybody the way he is treating you. You have Lucy to take care, do not let this guy con you into being back with him. In your heart you know what you need to do. As Nike says in their commercial (Just do it).

Mike


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*LucyD*

LucyD

I am so glad that FlyKelly, Mike posted! Listen to him!


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Karen519 said:


> LucyD
> 
> I have seen shows where women have been maimed and disfigured and killed by their boyfriends, husbands. Listen to what your GUT IS telling you and stay AWAY from him.
> 
> ...


I do live with my parents, I'm very thankful I have the most amazing parents in the world and my father is so fed up with him and I'm so worried my brother and my dad are going to get into something with him and it won't be pretty.


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## flykelley (Oct 15, 2011)

LucyD said:


> I do live with my parents, I'm very thankful I have the most amazing parents in the world and my father is so fed up with him and I'm so worried my brother and my dad are going to get into something with him and it won't be pretty.


This is the best news I have heard in this thread. I like it when brothers and Dads want to protect their own family.

Mike


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## booklady (Mar 3, 2009)

(((LucyD))) I'm sorry I came to this thread late, but you've received wonderful advice. I just spent the weekend working to get a young woman and her son into a shelter. She promised herself she would have a better life in the new year. She had finally had enough of the physical and emotional abuse and now it was starting to happen to her son. Miraculously, her bf was out of town overnight...the first time he had left her alone in two years. 

During their time together he slowly cut her off from all friends and family...she was sure no one would help or support her anymore, she felt sure that all of the abuse was her fault because she "made him act that way" - she thought she had no where to turn. But she finally hit a point where she made a phone call to a hotline. Within six hours she and her son were in a safehouse with the sum total of the possessions she felt she could take...a backpack with some clothes and toys, a few dollars and her son. She's wavering now too, the guilt is starting to play with her mind....but she's hanging in there, at least for now.

Please, don't become her. You don't deserve to be treated this way and neither did she, but these guys are so good at what they do. They can ooze charm when they want something, but it never lasts and in the meantime they are slowly eroding any self-confidence or sense of self-worth from their target.

Sounds like you have a great family to back you up and protect you....but still would highly recommend an emergency restraining order. I know a piece of paper can't do much in and of itself, but the police will usually respond much more quickly if one is in place.

Good luck, give Lucy a hug for me.


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## laprincessa (Mar 24, 2008)

LucyD said:


> I do live with my parents, I'm very thankful I have the most amazing parents in the world and my father is so fed up with him and I'm so worried my brother and my dad are going to get into something with him and it won't be pretty.


This is probably terribly politically incorrect, but you know what? Maybe your dad and your brother kicking his ass would be the best thing ever happened to him. No man should treat you this way, ever. If I lived closer, I'd come help them. He needs someone to stand up to him and tell him his behavior is not acceptable and it will not be tolerated. 

You've taken the first step towards doing that. Hang tough, please! You do not deserve this!


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## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

He is acting exactly the way an abuser that is losing his power will act. He threatens, pleads, lies about other women and it is possible he may pull the "I will commit suicide if you leave me". You are not responsible for his actions in any way. He will not change but will only get worse. Stand strong and thank goodness you have a wonderful family behind you. You have taken the first step toward freedom so keep moving forward. Keep away from him. My prayers are with you.


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## bioteach (Nov 13, 2010)

Please, please do not talk with him under any circumstances. If he comes to your house call the police and tell them that you are in danger. Do not answer the door. Do not answer your phone. 

He may try to turn on the charm or he may get really angry - either way please do not become part of it. Here in AZ a couple of years ago an angry boyfriend murdered his girlfriend's little Westie after she let him in. 

You ARE strong! Please don't give this guy the time of day.


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## mudEpawz (Jan 20, 2011)

you simply deserve better. keep telling yourself that. if he keeps calling, turn your phone off and take Lucy for a walk! The fresh air will do you both a world of good.


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Hey everyone... so tonight was a very bad night. Pretty much at around 7:30 I decided I was going to go get some ice cream and from no where a car drove into my driveway and guess who it was. He barely gave me time to run back to my front door and he grabbed my arm and yanked it really hard and I started screaming so my dad came out. We had to call the cops and put a restraining order. This is getting really bad I never thought it was going to get to the point where I'm scared for my life. I really hope this ends soon but for some reason I feel like its only the beginning.


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## mudEpawz (Jan 20, 2011)

thats awful. im sorry you have to go through this. please keep strong. its a good thing your dad was home.


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## elly (Nov 21, 2010)

Oh Lucy, this is every reason why you MUST listen and FOLLOW everyones advice on here! It proves everyone is right. Even though none of us know this guy we all know the pattern and behaviour someone like him presents and it has been very obvious from all you have said and he is dangerous. Do not go anywhere alone for now, please, a restraining order or not, people like this think everything applies to everyone else except themselves and that its everyone elses fault except their own and you have alrady had a taste of that and have already shown you started to feel 'guilty'...exactly where he wants you and will continue to work at to put you! 
Men like this almost put their brwins in another place, obsession and revenge and control take over from any common sense or rules. I have had two friends who have suffered very badly at the hands of men like this. One saved up all his exrement for what must have been days and days and then carried it or got a lift but goodness knows how, five miles, and poured it through her letter box at night whilst they slept. She had two small
children. The other was abusive to his children to get to his wife as he knew she would then feel guilty for him upsetting them to get at her after she had refused to buckle under him anymore...so he had used the children to buckle instead. Its not normal behaviour nor the nehaviour of men who apparantly LOVE these women despite their claims of doing so. This man grabbing your arm, frightening you, watching out and waiting for you to do that, is not a man who loves you. A man who treats you with respect, treats you gently, kindly, shares your worries, hurts when you hurt is a man who loves you. A man who has your care and wellbeing as his priority beyond all else. Its not this man.
Let your Dad and brother look after you, please hun. I am very worried for you. I think we all are. No more contact. Hes dangerous. x


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## amy22 (May 11, 2008)

I am so very sorry that happened to you. Please be careful and stay strong. Do not take his phone calls, texts etc. If you see him outside your house call the police. You have seen a side of him that you didnt want to believe was there. Please be careful xxoo


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*LucyD*

LucyD

Thank God you are alright-Thank God your Dad was there.
Please be careful-I agree with Amy22 don't take calls, texts, anything.
I'm sure he is furious at your Dad, too.


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## Sweet Girl (Jun 10, 2010)

LucyD said:


> Hey everyone... so tonight was a very bad night. Pretty much at around 7:30 I decided I was going to go get some ice cream and from no where a car drove into my driveway and guess who it was. He barely gave me time to run back to my front door and he grabbed my arm and yanked it really hard and I started screaming so my dad came out. We had to call the cops and put a restraining order. This is getting really bad I never thought it was going to get to the point where I'm scared for my life. I really hope this ends soon but for some reason I feel like its only the beginning.


Oh, my God. I gasped when I read this. Thank GOD your Dad was there to help you. I, too, was so relieved to read that you live with your family. 

I am so, so sorry. None of this is your fault, and you do not deserve to be going through this at such a young age. It sounds like you have a good support system around you. Is there anyway that you could maybe get away for a few days with a few girlfriends? Far away - and somewhere he can't find you - where you can chill out, have some fun, and relax? 

I feel so awful for you. I know exactly how you must be feeling right now. Please take care of yourself. I hope the restraining order means no calls or texts, in addition to not coming near you. He needs to be completely out of your life.


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## puddinhd58 (Jan 15, 2009)

You beautiful girl, stay strong! Take all this amazing advice from everyone...let your parents shield you from this maniac and STAY AWAY from him....he will SAY and DO anything to get his way at this point....

We have a grown daughter and I know for a fact, that if some boy/man was doing this to her before she was married (or even now for that fact), my hubby and son would have put a hurting on him....NO DOUBT....
You just don't want THEM to be hurt..... stay alert and call 911 if you see him anywhere near you.

I know you are conflicted and you "think" or know you love/d him....you cannot fix him....he will only get worse... time to break free now... 

Hugs to you as I know how hard this must be for you.....


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## GoldensGirl (Aug 2, 2010)

LucyD said:


> Hey everyone... so tonight was a very bad night. Pretty much at around 7:30 I decided I was going to go get some ice cream and from no where a car drove into my driveway and guess who it was. He barely gave me time to run back to my front door and he grabbed my arm and yanked it really hard and I started screaming so my dad came out. We had to call the cops and put a restraining order. This is getting really bad I never thought it was going to get to the point where I'm scared for my life. I really hope this ends soon but for some reason I feel like its only the beginning.


Okay, this means you MUST let the military know what is going on. When one of their own exhibits this kind of behavior, they have the resources to help him. And he does need help, or he will end up in jail. 

Please follow the advice given earlier and notify local recruiters, who can get in touch with his CO.

The good news in this episode, if there is any, is that now you know for yourself what you're dealing with and can take care of yourself.


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## PrincessDi (Jun 8, 2009)

GoldensGirl said:


> Okay, this means you MUST let the military know what is going on. When one of their own exhibits this kind of behavior, they have the resources to help him. And he does need help, or he will end up in jail.
> 
> Please follow the advice given earlier and notify local recruiters, who can get in touch with his CO.
> 
> The good news in this episode, if there is any, is that now you know for yourself what you're dealing with and can take care of yourself.


GoldensGirl, this is excellent advice. This man definitely needs help. I'm so sorry that you're going through this scarey time!


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## Caesar's Buddy (May 25, 2010)

As a father I went through something very similar to this situation with my daughter. My advice is this...

He is a bad dangerous person who wants to control you completely. Listen to all the advice on here and stay close to the police. People like him are manipulative, controlling and downright dangerous. It took my daughter a long time to see the light. Until then it was scary. 

Pat


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## dborgers (Dec 7, 2011)

> Okay, this means you MUST let the military know what is going on. When one of their own exhibits this kind of behavior, they have the resources to help him. And he does need help, or he will end up in jail.


This. 

I'm a man who's been happily married to the woman I call my best friend for 24 years. I'd never lay a hand on a woman, and neither would anyone I know. 

Thankfully, you have the entire U.S. Military to help you. Just as this is not the norm in American society, your situation is not unique in times of war and the psychological damage that can do. They are equipped for this. 

Once this settles down try doing some of the things you've always wanted to do but haven't done yet. Heal. Spend time with your beautiful golden. Turn this situation over to the military, pray for God's will in all things when you awaken, and get on with enjoying life and finding happiness doing what makes YOU happy. 

You're blessed to have beautiful Lucy and your parents there to give you perfect, unconditional love.

PS - If I were a woman I would only date men who have golden retrievers they treat like gold. That's a good sign they at least understand the concept of friendship and unconditional love


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## Deb_Bayne (Mar 18, 2011)

LucyD said:


> We had to call the cops and put a restraining order.


If your laws are anything like ours here in Ontario, a restraining order against him also prevents you from calling him also, if you contact him you could end up being charged, so be very careful and ask your Dad and your brother also to be extremely cautious now that the police have been involved. 

Take care.


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## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

Even if you have a restraining order try not to go out alone at night or even if possible during the day. A restraining order is a good thing but it is a piece of paper and some people if they are desperate enough will disregard it. Please be safe. Thank goodness for you father. Be watchful at all times.


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## Lilliegrace (Oct 22, 2008)

I have just read your thread. Please. Please. Please.......get a restraining order and bring law enforcement into the picture. He is dangerous and women die because of maniacs like this. He is trained to kill. Beware. He may have severe PTSD and may also be in need of urgent psychiatric care. Contact the military and discuss this with an expert.

Please take care of yourself and your angel best friend.

God be with you.


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## Penny & Maggie's Mom (Oct 4, 2007)

PLEASE PLEASE be so very careful, and be watchful of your family and Lucy. He is dangerous without a doubt and would hurt not only you but those you care for. I am praying for your strength and the safety of you and your family.


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## Sosoprano (Apr 27, 2011)

LucyD, just checking in.... Has the restraining order helped? Hope things are calming down for you.


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## mag&bays mom (Sep 25, 2010)

Hope that you are doing ok and that you have contacted his higher ups and reported this to them.

You mentioned he has been in Afghan for most of your relationship, my husband went to Iraq twice. Luckily he was fine and returned each time the same great person he was when he left. This is not true for a lot of military members. I have seen it with my own eyes and I know how deployments can really affect some folks in really bad ways and cause them to do crazy things, as you have seen already with your guy. These things just don't go away or get better on their own-he needs professional help and you need to stay far, far away from him. This sounds like a very dangerous situation. 

I wish you the best and my prayers are with you.


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## Dallas Gold (Dec 22, 2007)

I think at this point involving the military police may be the best thing for you, other than keeping a very low profile. Please be careful, and please tell your family members to be careful, to prevent a tragedy.


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## Deb_Bayne (Mar 18, 2011)

Please check in with us, we are all concerned and when you haven't been here for a while of course we imagine all sorts of things.


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## elly (Nov 21, 2010)

Yes, please Lucy, let us know how you are doing. Please. x


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## Ninde'Gold (Oct 21, 2006)

I too would like an update so we know you're safe.

Does anyone know her FaceBook (if she has it) or an e-mail address??


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## nolefan (Nov 6, 2009)

:crossfing


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## amy22 (May 11, 2008)

How are you????


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## LucyD (Nov 20, 2008)

Hey everyone I'm so sorry I have not been able to post anything today I actually had to go to the emergency room earlier today. I was having really horrible horrible chest pains and had a major asthma attack that was uncontrollable. It's been an extremely horrible day. I feel like I'm losing myself and he's been sending me messages constantly blaming me for everything and I just feel horrible and horrible. I'm sorry I didint mean to make you all worry... you all are so amazing and I want to thank you all for being here and worrying about me it really means so much to me.


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## Phillyfisher (Jan 9, 2008)

So sorry you are dealing with this. Please block his number or change your phone #. You need to just stop reading his messages and communicating with him...otherwise I fear you will continue to beat yourself up over this. He is simply not worth it.


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## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

I am glad to hear from you but so sorry you are having health problems. Remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Take care of yourself!!!


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## Thegoldenclaa (Dec 16, 2011)

I'm glad to hear you are ok. I hope you can find a way to de-stress soon.


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## FeatherRiverSam (Aug 7, 2009)

Phillyfisher said:


> So sorry you are dealing with this. Please block his number or change your phone #. You need to just stop reading his messages and communicating with him...otherwise I fear you will continue to beat yourself up over this. He is simply not worth it.


Phillyfisher hit the nail on the head...block his number, stop reading his messages and for crying out loud stop blaming yourself, you're far to nice a person to have to go through this!

Pete


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

Phillyfisher said:


> So sorry you are dealing with this. Please block his number or change your phone #. You need to just stop reading his messages and communicating with him...otherwise I fear you will continue to beat yourself up over this. He is simply not worth it.


I hope you are feeling better. I totally agree with the post above, please lock his number and do not call him or text him at all.


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## BeauShel (May 20, 2007)

Honey,

Please go to your cellphone company and ask to get your phone number changed. That way you do not have to deal with his phone calls and it will be one less thing you will have to deal with.

I dont know if you ever said he is in the military but please you have to contact the military. They need to know about him because he is around weapons and one day could lose it and hurt you and someone else. He could be dealing with PTSD and they have the resources to deal with it. 

You are not at fault for any of this. You are a great and wonderful person and deserve better than him. He may not have been a bad person before all this but is dealing with alot of issues from what he has seen overseas. But dont let that influence you. You are not equiped to deal with and shouldnt have to. 

Everyone has give you great advice and I am glad that you are listening to them. Now please hug Lucy, relax and dont answer his calls. I have been in your shoes years ago and it was hard but because I got out of it, I met the love of my life and have been happily married now for almost 20 years. You are young and have plenty of time to met the right man that will you treat you like the great girl you are. 

Hugs to you and Lucy.


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## mm03gn (Sep 24, 2008)

Don't change your number if you can effectively just block him... It's a pain and you want to still be reached by those you do want to talk to! But if there is no way to block him, you might just have to change it. Keep your head up high and I promise you will look back on this and be so proud of yourself and how you handled this horrible situation.


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## elly (Nov 21, 2010)

Please listen to everyone and act on their advice Lucy. Please. What he is doing is typical of abusive behaviour and making you feel bad is the exact reaction he is aiming for. To be honest, whether its his personality that makes him like this or what hes seen in duty thats made him like this I really dont care right now,..either way you are going to be the victim..you are the victim..and can be more so as can your family and others around you...and that HAS to be stopped. It is NOT your responsibility, you are NOT to blame and you are not in any way qualified, duty bound or safe to manage it.
Call his supervisors. Block his number. Stay close to someone at ALL times. Please. x


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## Sosoprano (Apr 27, 2011)

LucyD said:


> Hey everyone I'm so sorry I have not been able to post anything today I actually had to go to the emergency room earlier today. I was having really horrible horrible chest pains and had a major asthma attack that was uncontrollable. It's been an extremely horrible day. I feel like I'm losing myself and he's been sending me messages constantly blaming me for everything and I just feel horrible and horrible. I'm sorry I didint mean to make you all worry... you all are so amazing and I want to thank you all for being here and worrying about me it really means so much to me.


What a nightmare this is for you . He has made you so sick with his attacks (even if they’re mostly verbal right now) that you ended up in the ER. And where’s his apology? Is he at your bedside begging for forgiveness? No, he continues to beat you even when you’re down. That is despicable. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

About the messaging: My SD also resisted blocking her ex for a long time; she didn’t want to stoop to his level by being "rude". But I’ll tell you the same thing I told her: The rules don’t apply to acts of self-defense, and this is without exaggeration a battle for your life. Block him and feel good about it. If you can’t block him, get a cheap, disposable cell phone to carry with you and leave your old phone at home, out of sight and sound. If you can’t resist seeing what he’s had to say, do it just once a day and with a friend or parent who can read the messages with you and offer perspective and support. And definitely don’t answer him. Every word you say becomes ammunition for him to throw back at you. 

One last thing: Speaking only for myself, I want to say that I hope being on the Forum doesn’t become a chore for you. You don’t need another thing to feel guilty about! If you can write, then that does relieve our worry. But if you can’t, then we’ll deal with it. This should be a place of refuge for you, not an obligation. Again, that’s just my own view. 

I hope today will be a little quieter for you and that you (quite literally!) get a chance to catch your breath. Hang in there, Lucy D. Lot of hugs.


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## Dallas Gold (Dec 22, 2007)

> One last thing: Speaking only for myself, I want to say that I hope being on the Forum doesn’t become a chore for you. You don’t need another thing to feel guilty about! If you can write, then that does relieve our worry. But if you can’t, then we’ll deal with it. This should be a place of refuge for you, not an obligation. Again, that’s just my own view.


I totally agree. 

Please take care of yourself.


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## Ada's Mom (Aug 24, 2011)

LucyD said:


> It's been an extremely horrible day. I feel like I'm losing myself and he's been sending me messages constantly blaming me for everything and I just feel horrible and horrible.



It makes me sad that you feel horrible over what he's saying. There is NOTHING wrong with you or what you are doing, he's the bad guy! And even if it feels like it, you aren't losing yourself. It may feel that way because I'm guessing your sense of self is tightly tied to your relationship...but really one of the things he can't take from you is who you are. Maybe try making a list of things about yourself...what you like and good things about yourself and try to define who you are without him (hint: I'm betting you are a beautiful and wonderful person even without him!). 

Think of all the good things that will happen once he's out of your life (not feeling like crap all the time, being able to find someone who actually loves you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated...etc) and get excited about them...then get ANGRY at him for not giving you what you deserve and use that anger as strength to keep pushing through this crap he's doing to you. I know you can do it!


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## Ryley's Dad (Oct 12, 2010)

I too urge you to contact the military. Call his comanding officer at his base. They will investigate and they take a very dim view of behaviour like this. Trust me. Having them on your side will be of much more use than notifying the police. The police have to ensure they don't violate a person's civil rights... thus its almost like they can't do a thing until he does something.. and then its too late.

With the military they don't give a **** about a soldier's civil rights.. he has none as far as they're concerned. He's military property and if he doesn't shape up and fly right they have the means and the method to solve the problem... before it gets out of hand.


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## Ryley's Dad (Oct 12, 2010)

LucyD said:


> Hey everyone... so tonight was a very bad night. Pretty much at around 7:30 I decided I was going to go get some ice cream and from no where a car drove into my driveway and guess who it was. He barely gave me time to run back to my front door and *he grabbed my arm and yanked it really hard* and I started screaming so my dad came out. We had to call the cops and put a restraining order. This is getting really bad I never thought it was going to get to the point where I'm scared for my life. I really hope this ends soon but for some reason I feel like its only the beginning.


Thats assault! You should have him charged for that!


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## Deb_Bayne (Mar 18, 2011)

I don't understand why you aren't responding to the suggestions of contacting the military, you respond back that you're ok but nothing beyond that of taking care of yourself or distancing yourself from him. This is not meant to be insensitive but you're coming here telling us all he is doing to you but nothing about what YOU are doing for yourself except feeling like he is abusing you because you feel it's all YOUR fault? I don't get it.. I really don't. You talk about your parents as such loving people and your brother and Dad as your protectors, so you don't have a history of abuse. Usually people with a history of some kind of family abuse will tolerate abuse from their relationships... this doesn't seem to be the case so I just don't understand what you are holding onto. 

I apologize again if I'm way off base here, but seeing this is the Internet where we all remain faceless and nameless we have some kind of responsibility to those we draw into our life whether it be of Joy, Drama, or Chaos.


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## maggiesmommy (Feb 23, 2010)

I highly recommend the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker...I'd offer to send you my copy, but I loaned it to a friend...It has a few chapters that talk specifically about restraining orders and abusive ex lovers. This is a very dangerous situation. It doesn't take much to move from a push to a kill. Be very careful. Make sure you have someone with you when you go out, and never let Lucy outside by herself. I had a former boss who filed a restraining order against an ex boyfriend for abuse...he drove past her house one night and saw a strange car in the driveway...he thought she was seeing someone else (it was the car of a female friend from work he had never met) so, to "teach her a lesson", he sliced her cat's throat and displayed the body on the hood of the friend's car, then waited for her to come find it. Not meant to scare you further...just meant to make you more aware...unfortunately, he's the bad guy, but you are the one that has to watch her step...be careful...


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## GoldensGirl (Aug 2, 2010)

maggiesmommy said:


> I highly recommend the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker...


This is indeed a very fine book that probably saved my life a time or two by teaching me when to find a way out of a relationship. I learned to count my blessings that a man was gone at last.


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## maggiesmommy (Feb 23, 2010)

GoldensGirl said:


> This is indeed a very fine book that probably saved my life a time or two by teaching me when to find a way out of a relationship. I learned to count my blessings that a man was gone at last.


The number one lesson I learned from it was "its ok to be rude if you have to be to get out of a bad situation."


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## lgnutah (Feb 26, 2007)

Deb_Bayne said:


> I don't understand why you aren't responding to the suggestions of contacting the military, you respond back that you're ok but nothing beyond that of taking care of yourself or distancing yourself from him. This is not meant to be insensitive but you're coming here telling us all he is doing to you but nothing about what YOU are doing for yourself except feeling like he is abusing you because you feel it's all YOUR fault? I don't get it.. I really don't. You talk about your parents as such loving people and your brother and Dad as your protectors, so you don't have a history of abuse. Usually people with a history of some kind of family abuse will tolerate abuse from their relationships... this doesn't seem to be the case so I just don't understand what you are holding onto.
> 
> I apologize again if I'm way off base here, but seeing this is the Internet where we all remain faceless and nameless we have some kind of responsibility to those we draw into our life whether it be of Joy, Drama, or Chaos.


I don't mean to be harsh either but, you don't understand. But if you read "Why Does He Do That" and other books by Lundy Bancroft, you will.


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## darbysdad (Dec 23, 2011)

Only spend time with the one that didn't push you.....You know which one that is....
After 2 bad marriages, the writing is on the wall with your current boyfriend.


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## Deb_Bayne (Mar 18, 2011)

lgnutah said:


> I don't mean to be harsh either but, you don't understand. But if you read "Why Does He Do That" and other books by Lundy Bancroft, you will.


I want to understand why SHE is doing what she is doing. I do understand how tough it is in an abusive relationship since I've had plenty in the past... however, the difference between her and me is when I had a hand laid on me that was it, it was over. I don't need to read books on abuse of others.


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## elly (Nov 21, 2010)

I just wanted to check if LucyD is ok. Anyone know?


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## Sosoprano (Apr 27, 2011)

I’m hoping she’s just focused on what she needs to do and will come back when she’s ready. :crossfing


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## mm03gn (Sep 24, 2008)

I hope all is well


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Lucy*

Lucy

Checking in on you.


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## cubbysan (Mar 13, 2007)

Sosoprano said:


> One last thing: Speaking only for myself, I want to say that I hope being on the Forum doesn’t become a chore for you. You don’t need another thing to feel guilty about! If you can write, then that does relieve our worry. But if you can’t, then we’ll deal with it. This should be a place of refuge for you, not an obligation. Again, that’s just my own view.


 
Very well said!


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