# My poor dog and a dope for a Mommy



## Muddypaws (Apr 20, 2009)

I am feeling so bad, I have been reading Control Unleashed and I am realizing that I have been "mis-reading" Darby for 5 years now.  My poor guy, I have been missing the signs that he is stressed, anxious and excited for being unfocused and goofy. I am so very sorry Darby.

A couple weeks ago he started a fight with another Golden. Out of the blue and for no apparent reason. It shock me, my trainer and the class. I felt so bad and the other owner hates me and Darby now. It was all noise and he really frightened the other dog, but she wasn't hurt just scared. I feel so bad for her, her dog and for Darby because I now realize I set him up (innocently) but because I haven't been reading his signs right this happened. I am just sick about it.

Darby doesn't want to be a "sport" dog, he just wants to play chuck-it ball in the back yard, go for walks, meet people for pets and lay on my lap. I have been dragging him to Rally class because I wanted to be fair, Kirby gets to go to agility. :doh: Thinking like a person (be fair) not like a dog handler (what the dog wants and needs). Now I don't know what to do. Do I pull him from Rally since it stresses him so much and let Kirby go, she loves it, or make him finish this session? I don't want anyone to think I am pulling him as punishment or because of the other person, but I want him to be happy and to succeed.

I am going to finish this book and start to "shape" the positive behaviors I want from him and most of all, we are going to have our Mommy/Darby time in ways that he wants to have fun. I was never going to compete with him, it was bonding time. Now I realize that our bonding time can be anything that "he" wants to do and not the same as his sister's time. Quality time is as individual as the dogs.... sheesh and now I am just getting it!!

Great book, I highly recommend it and I just started it!!


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## Megora (Jun 7, 2010)

Maybe it just means you need to re-examine the training methods or even the class environment itself where you take your dog to class? 

If he snapped at another dog, that means the other dog was too close and too much in his face <- Something that is a huge "no" where I go to rally class. Even our last class when all of us golden people were sitting together, we were very cautious about letting the dogs visit. 

If your dog is stressed out or anxious, it could be because of the noise level, smells, and crowded feel of the room. These are reasons why I would pull my dog out of a class. 

You should feel happy, relaxed, and enjoy every second you are out there on that rally course. Or whatever it is you are doing. The dogs can feel all that. 

Some dogs are naturally sensitive, anxious, neurotic - I own one of those. It does not mean you have to wrap them up in comfy blankets and keep them sheltered. They just need special handling. 

So if there is enough space at your class where your dog can spread out and relax with you between turns without being right next to other dogs or people - I would keep going to class and get through this.

If your class is like some of those I've seen at those box stores where all the dogs and trainers are crammed together like sardines - get out of there.


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

Megora said:


> Maybe it just means you need to re-examine the training methods or even the class environment itself where you take your dog to class?
> 
> If he snapped at another dog, that means the other dog was too close and too much in his face <- Something that is a huge "no" where I go to rally class. Even our last class when all of us golden people were sitting together, we were very cautious about letting the dogs visit.
> 
> ...


Totally agree here. You are armed with a better understanding of your dog now, take him back to the class and find ways have fun with that Darby will like. If you don't want to enroll in another one after that then you don't have to.


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## GinnyinPA (Oct 31, 2010)

What signals of distress were you getting that you missed? I think I'm in a similar situation with Ben but I'm not sure.


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## Elisabeth Kazup (Aug 23, 2008)

I don't know if I can be much help but: Penny just wants to be a pet. She's perfectly happy to play in the back yard; she loves to watch daughter's dog retreive (watches almost as if she is trying to understand the fascination with such a dumb activity and/or "what the h*ll is the matter with that dog???). 

Penny doesn't particularly like other dogs, retreats and could fear bite. 

Her ad would read: loves long walks on the beach, quiet dinners at home with my family, licking their plates when they are done, snoozing during football, watching mom ride (from a safe distance), going for rides in the car anywhere, any time. 

I think anything else would stress her too.


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## Muddypaws (Apr 20, 2009)

@ Megora - Thank you for the ideas. My Rally trainer is very PC and won't tolerate anything but positive training. Darby has been taking classes at this facility since puppyhood (5 years), it is large and very nice. He has always acted crazy as soon as we arrived which I always to for excitement and happiness. I now remember our trainer mentioning how anxious and stressed Darby gets in class. Now after reading and looking more closely at his reactions I know that what I thought was excitement was really anxiety and it increases during class. "I" thought we were having fun, maybe I was but he was trying to please me and trying not to lose his mind.

The incident was my fault, we were leaving and I stopped to let him say hi, he got excited, the leads got tangled, he did a play bow and then all hell broke loose. It was scary but was all noise. He has never done anything at all like that before. Maybe I needed the eye opener but I sure wish I had noticed sooner. 

He is a totally different dog at home, on walks, at the park even when we go to PetsMart, he is a happy relax guy, only at class does he act this way. When we take him into Chatham or P'town at the cape he is just wonderfully relaxed and happy, no pulling, no ADD. I don't want to coddle him, I just want to do things together that he enjoys, it sure doesn't need to be a formal training situation. 
But if after 5 years he isn't relaxed in the environment I don't want to keep taking him. I've realized it's just not his thing, wish I had realized this sooner. :bang head:

I would really like to step back and just shape his behaviors. Maybe someday he can control his impulses, stay calm and become the TD that I would like him to be, he so loves people.


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## Muddypaws (Apr 20, 2009)

GinnyinPA said:


> What signals of distress were you getting that you missed? I think I'm in a similar situation with Ben but I'm not sure.


I have been mistaking his anxiety for excitement and happiness. After reading the first few chapters of the book I realized that I was misreading and he has been showing signs of stress since he was young, I just thought he was a goofy puppy and he has been an anxious dog. He is so different out of that situation that I should've figured it out, but I just didn't get it. I feel so bad, and I thought I could communicate with my dog so well..... :no:


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## Muddypaws (Apr 20, 2009)

Penny's Mom - Darby likes a simple life too. He loves to play chuck-it ball, play in his pool or swim (with a chuck-it float). He also loves a walk in the park or sidewalk and is a great walking dog. Meeting new people and get pets is the greatest adventure and last summer he ate at an open air restaurant that allows dogs and was "perfect".

He likes other dogs, that is why is was so out of character. That and he is the most beta dog I have ever met. I just can't believe that I missed the cues he was giving me to badly, but now I know and we are going to take a new approach and do it his way this time.


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## Megora (Jun 7, 2010)

Muddypaws said:


> @ Megora - Thank you for the ideas. My Rally trainer is very PC and won't tolerate anything but positive training. Darby has been taking classes at this facility since puppyhood (5 years), it is large and very nice. He has always acted crazy as soon as we arrived which I always took for excitement and happiness.


And it could still be excitement or overstimulation too. That happens. 

But you know your dog. And since he's 5 and you have no plans on competing with him, it doesn't really make sense to keep plopping that money down for classes - especially if he can't relax. 

One thing I wished I did with my Danny, but never could find a way to work this in since it was just me and my dogs aren't crate trained - but I wished there was a way I could bring him out to the training club to just lightly play with after Jacks' classes. Maybe that is something you could do with Darby - especially since Kirby is still in classes?


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## Angelina (Aug 11, 2011)

I think the question to ask yourself which is the question only you can answer is: What is best for the dog?

all the best to you, K


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## Bob Dylan (Mar 31, 2009)

Angelina said:


> I think the question to ask yourself which is the question only you can answer is: What is best for the dog?
> 
> all the best to you, K


 
DITO!!! You know what makes him happy!


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## Debles (Sep 6, 2007)

Sounds like a great learning experience! Good for you and the book sounds great!

My Selka was a great social dog. He loved obedience, therapy dog work and pretty much everything. I learned early Gunner was not like that. He likes to be home , loves people especially kids but strange dogs: not so much. I know some of his anxiety was probably pain induced from his glaucoma.

Anyway, he is happy just retrieving and spending time with family.

Sasha is SO much like Selka it is unbelievable. You'd swear they were related!


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## Elisabeth Kazup (Aug 23, 2008)

You're not the only dope in the dog park!

I mistook Penny's excitement for energy for the first 2 years and thought if I just played more and harder with her, she'd run out of steam. I didn't know I was ratcheting her up and creating a worse problem. 

Too soon old, too late smart.


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## Muddypaws (Apr 20, 2009)

Thanks all. 

I think that is what I needed, the more I think about it, I would be so anxious about running into the other handler after class that Darby would be picking that up on top of his own anxiety. How could that help anyone?? He is a sensitive boy and reads me so much better then I apparently was reading him. 

Going to let Kirby do Rally & Agility, she loves both and I know her signs, the book confirmed I was spot on reading her signs.  I stepped back, we started from scratch and with a whole new approach and she is doing great.

Darby and I are going to do things he enjoys, work on shaping calm, balanced approaches and maybe :crossing:crossing down the road he will be able to do TD work like I originally wanted to do with him.

Thank you all so much for your advice and encouragement, it means everything.

Vanessa


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## Muddypaws (Apr 20, 2009)

Penny's Mom said:


> You're not the only dope in the dog park!
> 
> I mistook Penny's excitement for energy for the first 2 years and thought if I just played more and harder with her, she'd run out of steam. I didn't know I was ratcheting her up and creating a worse problem.
> 
> Too soon old, too late smart.


Good thing we have these wonderful, forgiving and loving dogs. Who else would give us a big ole sloppy kiss for being "dopes"!!


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## Selli-Belle (Jan 28, 2009)

Muddypaws said:


> Darby and I are going to do things he enjoys, work on shaping calm, balanced approaches and maybe :crossing:crossing down the road he will be able to do TD work like I originally wanted to do with him.


I really don't see any reason this would put a damper on your plans for therapy work with Darby as long as he doesn't get to anxious while he is doing it.


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## Muddypaws (Apr 20, 2009)

Selli-Belle said:


> I really don't see any reason this would put a damper on your plans for therapy work with Darby as long as he doesn't get to anxious while he is doing it.


He was evaluated and passed all the outside stimuli, he doesn't react to crutches, loud noises, wheel chairs, walkers etc. But he has no impulse control and gets excited and overstimulated when meeting new people or dogs. He also ha impulse control issues. That was the reason I bought Control Unleashed was to work on that. I think once he starts to "get-it" he will do well and quickly. 

The difference in him when we are just out walking in town and meeting people and when he is "working" in class is night and day. So I think we can do this, we sure are going to give it our best shot! Thank you.


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## C's Mom (Dec 7, 2009)

Muddypaws said:


> I have been mistaking his anxiety for excitement and happiness. After reading the first few chapters of the book I realized that I was misreading and he has been showing signs of stress since he was young, I just thought he was a goofy puppy and he has been an anxious dog. He is so different out of that situation that I should've figured it out, but I just didn't get it. I feel so bad, and I thought I could communicate with my dog so well..... :no:


 
I so hear you. I have been doing the same thing with my boy. Now that we know better we will do better, right.


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## jimla (Oct 9, 2008)

Muddypaws said:


> Penny's Mom - Darby likes a simple life too. He loves to play chuck-it ball, play in his pool or swim (with a chuck-it float). He also loves a walk in the park or sidewalk and is a great walking dog. Meeting new people and get pets is the greatest adventure and last summer he ate at an open air restaurant that allows dogs and was "perfect".
> 
> He likes other dogs, that is why is was so out of character. That and he is the most beta dog I have ever met. I just can't believe that I missed the cues he was giving me to badly, but now I know and we are going to take a new approach and do it his way this time.


Darby sounds a lot like my Elliot. I tried agility lessons with him two years ago and he went on a sit-down strike, refusing to jump any more. My trainer thought he had a joint problem, but the vet said his joints were perfect. He was trying to tell me that he didn't want to do agility. Now we are preparing for our Delta therapy dog exam and he did great on our practice test. I take Roxy, my formerly fear aggressive golden to agility class and she loves it. "Control Unleashed" is a great book and the author has videos and a Yahoo group also.


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## Muddypaws (Apr 20, 2009)

C's Mom said:


> I so hear you. I have been doing the same thing with my boy. Now that we know better we will do better, right.


_Right! :--crazy::--big_grin:_


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