# My sweet girl Caitlin



## Mamatomany (Mar 6, 2016)

Hello, my name is Katie and though I'm new to this forum, I've been a Golden owner for over twelve years. I found this website while searching for grief support. My 12 year old Golden angel, Caitlin, died on Wednesday morning after only being sick for 8 days. I'm not sure if this is the right board and if not, I apologize. 

On February 23rd, I casually noticed Caitlin was walking into some things. Prior to that, she was a very healthy dog and always maintained her weight of 77 lbs. for most of her life. She had gotten worms and for three days prior, had received worm treatment. The medication didn't cause any side effects that we noticed and her routine was pretty much the same. When we noticed there could be an eyesight issue, we called the vet on the 24th and they said to bring her in on the 25th. She seemed confused by the loss of vision but didn't panic or stop eating or show any other signs of anything for those first couple days. At 4 AM, the 25th, my husband and I were awoken to a terrifying sound and sight: Caitlin was in the midst of a violent seizure. It truly was the most upsetting thing I'd ever seen to that point and it lasted for about 5 minutes. We felt helpless. After her seizure, she began pacing around our house in a somewhat abrupt manner. She seems very anxious and stressed. We did everything we could to remain calm and talk to her gently. After about 90 minutes she calmed down and rested. We called the vet and they said bring her in and she saw the vet. They said they wanted to do a blood test to see what it may be. She looked in Caitlin's eyes and said they looked perfect besides a small cataract so she wasn't sure what was causing the eyesight issue. She said she seemed liked an otherwise healthy dog. They decided to send us home with a prescription for Valium to prevent more seizures while we were waiting for the test results to come back. That was Thursday night and they said they'd call Monday with the results. 

All weekend she was tired and slept a lot due to the Valium. Thankfully, she didn't experience anymore seizures. She was eating the same, drinking a lot of water and was able to go outside and potty fine. 
The vet didn't call until Tuesday morning. We called Monday but the results weren't back yet. They said her bloodwork looked perfect and there was no other organ issue going on. My husband said what's wrong then, is it a brain tumor as we'd been suspecting this after the vision troubles and seizure. They said they didn't know and wanted us to taper her off the Valium at that point. We noticed on Tuesday she began to lose strength and was sleeping more. We cut the Valium way down and Tuesday night, she was struggling to stand up and urinated on our kitchen floor. She was panting so much and would sleep for a bit and then wake up and pant. All through the night, I layed down next to her and talked to her, told her how much I loved her and what a good girl she was. It was clear she knew she was not doing well and I wanted more than anything to take her pain and stress away. As morning came she lost control of her bowels and also continued urinating. She wouldn't stop panting and began to whimper several times and vomited once right after. We transferred her to our vehicle and drove her to the vet's office and within 30 minutes she was put down. My husband stayed with her and I stayed with our young children in our vehicle.

The vet said there was nothing we could've done and she finally said she probably agreed with us that it was a brain tumor. We were in total shock that this happened so fast to a still energetic, sassy, rambunctious Golden who was fine just 9 days earlier. That day was truly the worst day of my life. I cannot get the image of my poor sweet angel crying on our floor before we took her to the vet's office. I would've done everything in my power to take that away from her if I only knew how. I am now wrought with grief and guilt. She was my "baby" before my children came and we were with her every day of her life. I have deep agony thinking maybe she didn't know how much we loved her, how much confusion, pain and sadness she must've felt going through this and what if she felt abandoned? We're we the best family for her throughout her life and did we give enough attention everyday? Its just so devestating.

The other side of this story is we have a precious, hearty 11-year old Golden boy named Henry who never lived a day without his sister Caitlin. He let her be the leader and is somewhat of a more serious, shyer Golden boy. My heart is broken for him and I know the grief he must feel may be even more severe than ours is, as people. He keeps looking all over the house for her, he is mopey and very jumpy/jittery. He has been up panting in our hallway during the middle of the night the last few nights, since Caitlin left us. We've been giving him lots of attention, taking walks, a few more treats, etc. I just dont know how he's going to manage without her. 

I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this and I apologize for the length and so many details. I can't remember ever feeling so sad in my life. My husband doesn't seem to want to talk about it and when I say something he says it's his way of dealing with it. I don't want to judge or tell him how to grieve but it's hard not to talk it through. She meant so much to our whole family for her 12 years with us and it feels so empty without her. I'd do anything to have her back and be able to give her another hug. I told her she was the greatest girl of all time and I loved her so much. I can only hope she understood in some way. Thank you for letting me share my story with you. Even though I don't know any of you personally, I know that if anyone could understand how I feel right now it would be my fellow Golden lovers. Blessings to you all.


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## Pilgrim123 (Jul 26, 2014)

I'm very sorry to hear about your Caitlin. It sounds like she has been a real friend to your family all her life. Most of us here have been through the loss of our beloved goldens and know how hard it is to adjust, for ourselves and our dogs. (And your husband's reactions are exactly what my husband did when we lost Pilgrim!)
Never beat yourself up with the "if only"s. We do the best we can. It seems to me like you did everything that could be expected of a caring owner.
As for Henry, have you tried a DAP collar? It has a pheromone that really does help to relax a dog who's stressed. The vet should know about them.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Please come back in a little while, when you feel able, and tell us about Caitlin - and how Henry is doing.


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## Harleysmum (Aug 19, 2014)

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss of Caitlin, that it was so sudden and so distressing for you. But try not to feel guilty. You gave her a wonderful life and when it was time for her to go you eased her gently over the bridge. You now have your hands full in dealing with everyone else's grief as well as your own. Your children will be sad and have questions that you will have to answer. Your husband may seem difficult and unsupportive as he deals with his own grief and you also have sweet Henry who will sense everyone's sadness and be worried and will be missing his friend. You are going to be sorely tested but you WILL find the strength because that's what mothers do. You are lucky that you have found this forum where you will find so much support and love during the difficult days ahead. There will be people with great advice on how to help your children, your husband and Henry. There are some wonderful posts on here particularly in the Rainbow Bridge section from men who just open their hearts and spill their guts and your husband may find it helpful to read them. It will be this forum that you will turn to in the days to come and we will get you through this. When you feel the time is right, please share some stories and pictures of your beautiful Caitlin so that we can help you celebrate her life.


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## Panama Rob (Nov 26, 2015)

Mamatomany, thank you for sharing. I have tears running down my cheeks after reading your post. We all only have a finite amount of time here. We have a begin date and an end date but thing that matters is the dash between those dates. Your pup's dash was filled with love and joy and happiness because you and your husband made it happen. For most of us we outlive our dogs. I look at it as a badge of honor to carry the grief of loss on my shoulders and not to leave that burden with the dog. The grief at the end is the price we pay for all the years of joy and happiness. I'll pay that price every time. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you (dogs included). She is in good company with lots of awesome dogs to play with while she waits across the bridge including my own Dusty and KC.


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## swishywagga (Nov 13, 2012)

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear Caitlin, it's so very hard to see them deteriorate knowing however much we wish they could be with us forever there time with us is over, the look in their eyes tells us so. I lost my boy almost six months ago and although it gets a little better over time there are days that it is just so hard to be without him. I wish you and your family peace at this time and hope that when you are ready you will be able share your precious memories of your beautiful girl. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Caitlin*



Mamatomany said:


> Hello, my name is Katie and though I'm new to this forum, I've been a Golden owner for over twelve years. I found this website while searching for grief support. My 12 year old Golden angel, Caitlin, died on Wednesday morning after only being sick for 8 days. I'm not sure if this is the right board and if not, I apologize.
> 
> On February 23rd, I casually noticed Caitlin was walking into some things. Prior to that, she was a very healthy dog and always maintained her weight of 77 lbs. for most of her life. She had gotten worms and for three days prior, had received worm treatment. The medication didn't cause any side effects that we noticed and her routine was pretty much the same. When we noticed there could be an eyesight issue, we called the vet on the 24th and they said to bring her in on the 25th. She seemed confused by the loss of vision but didn't panic or stop eating or show any other signs of anything for those first couple days. At 4 AM, the 25th, my husband and I were awoken to a terrifying sound and sight: Caitlin was in the midst of a violent seizure. It truly was the most upsetting thing I'd ever seen to that point and it lasted for about 5 minutes. We felt helpless. After her seizure, she began pacing around our house in a somewhat abrupt manner. She seems very anxious and stressed. We did everything we could to remain calm and talk to her gently. After about 90 minutes she calmed down and rested. We called the vet and they said bring her in and she saw the vet. They said they wanted to do a blood test to see what it may be. She looked in Caitlin's eyes and said they looked perfect besides a small cataract so she wasn't sure what was causing the eyesight issue. She said she seemed liked an otherwise healthy dog. They decided to send us home with a prescription for Valium to prevent more seizures while we were waiting for the test results to come back. That was Thursday night and they said they'd call Monday with the results.
> 
> ...


Rest in peace, sweet Caitlin. I have added her to the Rainbow Bridge List. 
My Smooch and Snobear will take care of her.I am so glad you have your boy, spend extra time with him, kiss and hug him. We all go through second guessing of what we could or should have done. You had no way of knowing how ill she was. I'm sure that Caitlin knew how much you loved her.
http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com...8-2016-rainbow-bridge-list-3.html#post6335601


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## Mamatomany (Mar 6, 2016)

*Thank you all, so much*

Pilgrim123, Harleysmum, PanamaRob, Swishywagga and Karen519: Your words meant so much and though I shed many tears reading them, you touched my heart with your compassion and understanding, as owners of these precious ones, of how I'm feeling right now. I appreciate you taking time out of your days to share your encouragement and advice. Karen519, my sincerest gratitude for adding our angel Caitlin to the 2016 Rainbow Bridge. Regarding Henry, I will look into that collar as he is spending much of his time walking around looking for her and also, nights are the worst. He is up much of the night quickly walking around the house, panting and asking to go outside all hours. We're all loving him our hardest and I hope it will get better as the days pass.

I will post pictures soon . Again, thanks from the bottom of my heart.


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## Panama Rob (Nov 26, 2015)

I know you are deep in grief at the moment but when the time comes maybe you should consider a new pup or adopting an older (than a pup) dog. I read a book once of a guy who owned a dog. The book was about the one special dog. His theory or mode of operation was to get a new pup every 6 years. He always had a young dog around and an adult and usually an aging older dog. He had dogs in all stages of life that way. It made a lot of sense to me. If I had space and means for three dogs I would follow suit. Sending out a virtual hug just to say it's gonna be ok and you all were so lucky to share life as you did. She is a happy pup on the other side of the bridge.


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## Otis-Agnes (Nov 24, 2015)

I have lost 2 goldens, and I, along with the rest of us, know how you feel. We love our pups. We wish we could have done more for them. But know that Caitlin had a good life and she was very loved. My sincere condolences. Agnes


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## kellyguy (Mar 5, 2014)

So very sorry for your loss. It is almost exactly two years ago that I lost my bridge boy Buddy so very suddenly and my heart still aches at the memory.
Grieving is a process and there is no magic cure all for the pain that accompanies the loss of a loved one. Everyone grieves in their own way, and there is no right or wrong way. I found sharing with the wonderful people here and reading others stories very helpful, but to be honest there are still many days when I can't bring myself to read of others tragic losses.
It is a hard thing to do, but it is vital to get beyond dwelling on the events surrounding his death and celebrate the joys that were his life. It takes time.
You will feel guilt, anger, sadness and a whole range of emotions in various order while working through "your" process. Be gentle with yourself and others and let yourself grieve. There will come a day when something triggers a fond memory and it brings a laugh or smile.


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## TammyTalking (Mar 5, 2016)

Katie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I found it helpful to share with other dog lovers too. I shed tears reading your story of your last days with Caitlin (beautiful name). My beloved golden passed three years next month. I too felt guilt about the what ifs and was I the best mom I could be to her. We do the best we can and it does no good to incriminate ourselves; but we do. Maybe it's part of the grieving process. It happened all so fast; Caitlin's illness and passing. I know of another dog who went very fast from a tumor also. It is painful to see them ill, in pain and dying. And Henry; how upsetting this is for him. I compare losing a beloved dog to losing a young child. Think about it, your Caitlin was with you almost constantly for the length of her life. She was dependent on you for her care much like a toddler is. They are so innocent and give us no cause for ill feelings. It is so very sad when they leave us. We love them unconditionally and they love us too. Take comfort that you gave her a good life; I can tell that from your story. To love our dogs is to grieve when they pass on before we do. Tammy



We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, 
live within a fragile circle; easily and often breached.
Unable to accept its awful gaps, we would still live no other way.
We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan.... 

--- Irving Townsend ---
"The Once Again Prince"
Separate Lifetimes 







Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## CAROLINA MOM (May 12, 2009)

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Caitlin.
It's so hard when we lose them, they are hold a special place in our hearts, they bring so much joy and love into our lives. 

I truly believe Caitlin is whole again, free of pain, living and enjoying life as she did when she was a pup. I also believe you will be reunited with her one day, I hope you will find comfort knowing this. 

Take the time you need for your heart to heal and to find peace, it's a long journey.
My thoughts are with you. 

Godspeed Caitlin


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Mama*



Mamatomany said:


> Pilgrim123, Harleysmum, PanamaRob, Swishywagga and Karen519: Your words meant so much and though I shed many tears reading them, you touched my heart with your compassion and understanding, as owners of these precious ones, of how I'm feeling right now. I appreciate you taking time out of your days to share your encouragement and advice. Karen519, my sincerest gratitude for adding our angel Caitlin to the 2016 Rainbow Bridge. Regarding Henry, I will look into that collar as he is spending much of his time walking around looking for her and also, nights are the worst. He is up much of the night quickly walking around the house, panting and asking to go outside all hours. We're all loving him our hardest and I hope it will get better as the days pass.
> 
> I will post pictures soon . Again, thanks from the bottom of my heart.


I know that our dogs miss one another. Just give Henry all the attention and time you can. Does he like to be brushed? My Smooch used to love it and that was our special time together, after we lost our Snobear. Smooch and Snobear will BEST BUDDIES. We would love to see pics of Caitlin and Henry.


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## Mel (Sep 9, 2008)

Katie, I am so sorry for your loss of Caitlin. There is no easy way for our beloved fur babies to leave us but it must have been such a shock to you and your family of losing her so suddenly. My heart goes out to you. You came to the right place to share your feelings. We feel your pain and cry with you.


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## HolDaisy (Jan 10, 2012)

So sorry for the loss of your lovely golden girl. It must have been so tough for you having to lose her. Try not to feel guilty, it sounds like she had a great life with a family that loved her to pieces and you would have done anything you could have to help her, she knew how loved she was.

That's so sad about Henry  when we've lost dogs in the past it has been heartbreaking to see the others miss their best friend. Give him lots of extra fuss and take him to his favourite places to keep him busy. Take care.


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## Melakat (Oct 9, 2010)

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful girl. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you those last few days. I too have lost a Golden and I know how hard it is to say good bye and the grieving process definitely takes time but it does get better. I found that each one of us in our family grieved differently. I just cried and came on to this wonderful forum and was blessed with so much support, my husband built a birdhouse in memory of our boy, one of my sons would take the leash and walk where he used to walk with our dog and the other son designed a tatoo. 12 years is a very long time to have such a wonderful dog who is part of your family and Caitlin will surely be missed by each one of you including Henry. Please share here whenever you need to - the people on these forums are the best and understand what you are going through. I would love to see a pic of your beautiful girl if you feel up to it. Thinking about your and your loss.


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## Sweet Girl (Jun 10, 2010)

I'm so sorry about your sweet Caitlin. I'm glad you found us here, but sorry it's under such sad circumstances. This is a wonderful place to find support from people who understand the pain you're going through. 

She definitely knew you loved her. I know you are full of grief and guilt somehow manages to find its way in there. I went through that, too. But it sounds like you did everything possible for her, and when you knew she was suffering, you sought to end that suffering as soon as you could. It is so awful to lose them so fast when you don't even know what's wrong. My heart broke reading your post. I hope you will stay around here, and share stories and photos of Caitlin and Henry, when you feel up to it.


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## SandyK (Mar 20, 2011)

So very sorry for your loss of Caitlin. I am sure she knew you loved her. She will live in your heart forever!! I hope Henry can work his way through his grief as well. Take care of yourself. RIP sweet Caitlin.


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## Elsa Cholla's Mom (Feb 8, 2016)

I am very sorry to hear you are hurting so much. All those doubts and fears are normal, the Mom in you always wants to be able to fix what hurts the ones we love, and feel responsible when we can't. Caitlin knew you were all there for her, and that she was loved. Animals don't attach the same emotional pain to physical pain that we do and they are pretty intuitive about knowing when we are trying to help them. Many hugs.


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## goldensmum (Oct 23, 2007)

Katie, never apologise on here for long posts,or about your feelings. Sadly many of us here on the forum have had to send their loved goldies (and others) to the bridge, and know of the absolute devestation that that loss leaves behind, and so we understand, and yes we care even though we may never meet in person, we feel the pain.

Do not try and second guess yourself (been there done it and still where that Tshirt), Caitlin had a wonderful life with you and from what you have posted you could not have done more for her. Very often these illnesses do not show themselves until they are very advanced. The thing you need to focus on is that Caitlin had a good life, and at the end of that life you did not let her suffer and that is what you need to hold onto - your happier memories will help you come through this sad and difficult time.

Give Henry as much love as you can - it is hard for them too, as we can't explain what has happened. As for your husband - when we lost our dogs I think my hubby tried to put on a brave face for my sake - and we all deal with grief in different ways, but if he doesn't want to talk then you probably have to respect that - but know that you can always come on the forum and "talk".


WEEP NOT FOR ME THOUGH I AM GONE
INTO THAT GENTLE NIGHT
GRIEVE IF YOU WILL BUT NOT FOR LONG
UPON MY SOUL’S SWEET FLIGHT

I AM AT PEACE, MY SOULS AT REST
THERE IS NO NEED FOR TEARS
FOR WITH YOUR LOVE I WAS SO BLESSED
FOR ALL THOSE MANY YEARS


THERE IS NO PAIN, I SUFFER NOT
THE FEAR NOW IS ALL GONE
PUT NOW THESE THINGS OUT OF YOUR THOUGHTS
IN YOUR MEMORY I LIVE ON

REMEMBER NOT MY FIGHT FOR BREATH
REMEMBER NOT THE STRIFE
PLEASE DO NOT DWELL UPON MY DEATH
BUT CELEBRATE MY LIFE 
(constance jenkins)

Run free and fast and sleep softly Caitlin


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## Jud (Aug 10, 2015)

Mamatomany said:


> Hello, my name is Katie and though I'm new to this forum, I've been a Golden owner for over twelve years. I found this website while searching for grief support. My 12 year old Golden angel, Caitlin, died on Wednesday morning after only being sick for 8 days. I'm not sure if this is the right board and if not, I apologize.
> 
> On February 23rd, I casually noticed Caitlin was walking into some things. Prior to that, she was a very healthy dog and always maintained her weight of 77 lbs. for most of her life. She had gotten worms and for three days prior, had received worm treatment. The medication didn't cause any side effects that we noticed and her routine was pretty much the same. When we noticed there could be an eyesight issue, we called the vet on the 24th and they said to bring her in on the 25th. She seemed confused by the loss of vision but didn't panic or stop eating or show any other signs of anything for those first couple days. At 4 AM, the 25th, my husband and I were awoken to a terrifying sound and sight: Caitlin was in the midst of a violent seizure. It truly was the most upsetting thing I'd ever seen to that point and it lasted for about 5 minutes. We felt helpless. After her seizure, she began pacing around our house in a somewhat abrupt manner. She seems very anxious and stressed. We did everything we could to remain calm and talk to her gently. After about 90 minutes she calmed down and rested. We called the vet and they said bring her in and she saw the vet. They said they wanted to do a blood test to see what it may be. She looked in Caitlin's eyes and said they looked perfect besides a small cataract so she wasn't sure what was causing the eyesight issue. She said she seemed liked an otherwise healthy dog. They decided to send us home with a prescription for Valium to prevent more seizures while we were waiting for the test results to come back. That was Thursday night and they said they'd call Monday with the results.
> 
> ...



I am so ,so sorry for your loss and yes...this is the right place for you. There is a large segment of this forum that are amazing and helped me when I was in the same situation. My thoughts are with you...I lost my 12 year old in July and I grieve for her everyday even with a new pup that I love. People (most) understand here


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