# Scared of My Boys' Aging



## ggdenny (Nov 2, 2008)

I don't know if this thread will make sense or get any response, but I need somewhere to express this. Now that Duke and Connor are 9.5 and 8.5 respectively I find myself becoming increasingly anxious and worried about their health. I've lost two Goldens to cancer before the age of 11, and although I intellectually know that a lot of Goldens live longer, I find myself at times extremely anxious about the health of my sweet boys. I know there's an element of being irrational, after all they both are healthy, have an amazing vet and a family that will do anything for them. Duke had a lengthy battle with diarrhea in January/February, but he's fine now and such a happy cuddle bug. He had a complete exam with blood work, x-rays and ultrasound in November and passed with flying colors. Connor is having his complete exam with blood work, x-rays and ultrasound this Tuesday and I hope he also passes with flying colors, and maybe we'll find out why he gets occasional acid reflux.

All of this is to ask the forum if you have any experience with what I'm describing here, and techniques for dealing with the worry/anxiety?


----------



## Siandvm (Jun 22, 2016)

I won't say I know exactly where you are coming from, as Rayder is my first dog. However, I have had many beloved cats, and with my last one in particular (who acted a lot like a dog) I had a similar experience. He lived to be just shy of 18, which is a great age, but once he reached a certain age, even though he wasn't sick, I started to worry about him. It really ramped up once he actually did get sick, even though he lived for almost a year after that. Every time he was sleeping peacefully I would freak out that he had died and I would stare intently until I saw him breathe. Other times I would worry that his breathing was TOO frequent, or there was too much effort. You get the picture. I drove myself crazy but didn't realize I was doing it. After he died, although I was heartbroken, I wasn't as overwhelmed with grief as I have been with other cats. I was feeling guilty about that too until I realized several things 1) I was pregnant when I had to euthanize both my recent previous cats (talk about heightened emotions); 2) both those cats were pretty young (7 and 11); 3) I had been getting myself into such a state about this cat that I was under a constant state of stress -- although I missed him terribly, there was a sense of relief to be rid of that stress (not him, but the stress I had put on myself). 

So, my advice is simple to give and probably impossible to implement -- don't stress! Especially if there is nothing to stress about. There is plenty of time to worry and be anxious when there is actually something going on. It sounds as if you are doing a wonderful job staying on top of their health and are unlikely to miss anything that can actually be found. Enjoy them now and worry about them when you have to.


----------



## G-bear (Oct 6, 2015)

I've been there many times. Like Siandvm I have actually woken my dogs up in the middle of the night because I was worried that they had stopped breathing. I'm embarrassed to admit I do it now with Gracie (who is 13 and quite healthy). Luckily my dogs are patient with my doing this and look at me with that, "Now what?!?! It's 2 AM you silly human" expression. I don't really have any advice. I think it's something that any owner of a senior pet is prone to. After all, they are important and very loved members of our families. I think worrying about them is pretty normal. In my case I am just trying really hard not to wake the dog up in the middle of the night.


----------



## FosterGolden (Mar 10, 2014)

My best friend has a long history of loss and focuses so much on losing family and her dog, even when things are fine, that I sometimes wonder how she functions. It got worse when she suddenly lost her younger brother a few years ago. Her anxiety causes her to be unable to focus on the here and now and instead, she is thinking of what will happen in the future, when it will happen and how. She says when her dog passes away, she'll never have another because it hurts to much to think about. She's been saying this since her dog was two (and healthy) and she is now seven (and healthy). This may be above and beyond what you are feeling, but for something like this, I think some sort of counseling or therapy may be the best approach. Or, maybe meditation, something to help a person with anxiety and to think about now instead of worrying about the future. 

When my dogs have died I have tried to focus on the many years of joy they brought me instead of the pain of losing them. And, while it's hard as heck, for me it's worth it. You can't have one without the other, unfortunately, and they will all die, young or old, sudden or planned, you just never know. I won't lie and say I never think about how sad I'll be when they are gone, but I certainly do not allow it to consume me and steal the moments of joy and just plain being that we have together. To me, not being able to freely feel that love and joy without sorrow of what will inevitably happen, is far more painful than losing my dog will be!


----------



## ggdenny (Nov 2, 2008)

FosterGolden said:


> My best friend has a long history of loss and focuses so much on losing family and her dog, even when things are fine, that I sometimes wonder how she functions. It got worse when she suddenly lost her younger brother a few years ago. Her anxiety causes her to be unable to focus on the here and now and instead, she is thinking of what will happen in the future, when it will happen and how. She says when her dog passes away, she'll never have another because it hurts to much to think about. She's been saying this since her dog was two (and healthy) and she is now seven (and healthy). This may be above and beyond what you are feeling, but for something like this, I think some sort of counseling or therapy may be the best approach. Or, maybe meditation, something to help a person with anxiety and to think about now instead of worrying about the future.
> 
> When my dogs have died I have tried to focus on the many years of joy they brought me instead of the pain of losing them. And, while it's hard as heck, for me it's worth it. You can't have one without the other, unfortunately, and they will all die, young or old, sudden or planned, you just never know. I won't lie and say I never think about how sad I'll be when they are gone, but I certainly do not allow it to consume me and steal the moments of joy and just plain being that we have together. To me, not being able to freely feel that love and joy without sorrow of what will inevitably happen, is far more painful than losing my dog will be!


Thanks, everyone. FosterGolden, you are right about it not becoming all-consuming. It hasn't gotten that bad for me and frankly the anxiety ramps up more when I'm about to travel, like next week. My wife and vets are more than capable of handiling anything that arises. I do see a therapist every few months and I've talked to him about this. He's been helpful in getting me to frame the anxiety in ways that I can handle, including an internal dialogue that I go through about how healthy they are, how close we are to world class vet care, and that I can emotionally and financially handle anything that comes up.

It's hard and I'm working on it. That's also why I chose to post here.


----------



## Tosh's Legacy (Oct 2, 2013)

ggdenny said:


> Thanks, everyone. FosterGolden, you are right about it not becoming all-consuming. It hasn't gotten that bad for me and frankly the anxiety ramps up more when I'm about to travel, like next week. My wife and vets are more than capable of handiling anything that arises. I do see a therapist every few months and I've talked to him about this. He's been helpful in getting me to frame the anxiety in ways that I can handle, including an internal dialogue that I go through about how healthy they are, how close we are to world class vet care, and that I can emotionally and financially handle anything that comes up.
> 
> It's hard and I'm working on it. That's also why I chose to post here.


Thank you for being open and brave enough to post your feelings. I, too, know that feeling of anxiety/fear of losing my two Goldens (both 12 years old). It seems as if the older I get, the more difficult the thought of it seems, and the bigger toll it takes on my mental/emotional state. Yes, I have felt as if I am the only one that feels this way, and I'm sure you have, too. My life has been one of many tragedies and losses, and it took me years and much work to be stable and happy -- and just about the time I felt like myself again, I suffered another series of losses within a short time. To say it rocked me off my foundation and still rocks me is an
understatement. My life as I knew it was erased, and a felt as if I was that astronaut whose connection to the spaceship was cut and he went floating off into space and nothingness. It takes a real effort of will to make a step uphill and not let myself be overtaken by anxiety and fear (of loss).

So, like you, I am aware each day of how time is passing with my two. They are at "that age" when anything can happen at any time. It is almost as if I am grieving their loss before they are gone, and not enjoying the moments that I have with them. Here is what has been working for me: each day Wrigley comes up to my bed with a squeaky toy, a wag and those big brown eyes looking at me, I take a moment to look at him and thank him for being there and starting my day with his joy. And when Roxi (who is mostly blind now) prances around the house with her baby in her mouth and wants to play, I thank her for having the fortitude to overcome her lack of sight and still enjoy her life. Our dogs are good teachers for us to live each day as it comes.

I certainly don't mean to be "preachy, " but I have no other way to express something that may help you and let you know that you are not alone in your anxiety.
I don't know what age group you are in, but I believe that some of these feelings are all the more poignant as we age (I am 68). Time goes more quickly, and our sense of loss is much more honed by our life experiences. Perhaps that's where some of the anxiety comes from?

I wish you the best and will be thinking of you and carrying you in my heart. Knowing there is someone else struggling in somewhat the same way does help relieve some of the pain.


----------



## Sweet Girl (Jun 10, 2010)

I understand your worry. And I know it's very real. But try not to let it take up more time than actually loving and enjoying the time you DO have with your dogs. That's something you can say to yourself when you find yourself worrying. Even if it's the middle of the night. If they sleep on your bed, reach over and stroke them and feel lucky to have them, instead of worrying. If you find yourself worrying during the day, do something with them instead - take them for a walk, call them over for a cuddle, take them to play at the park. 

We have them for such a short period of time. Losing them is awful when it happens. Don't let it ruin your life while they are still here. Just love and enjoy them.


----------



## dlmrun2002 (Mar 4, 2011)

From the day you get your puppy, it is understood chances are you will out live your Golden. Just like most of us will have to bury our parents, we will have to face the sad day of letting go of our special Golden's. After loosing two Golden's, I would always whisper to my Skye as she aged... " How much time do we have?" over and over and over. Cherish the moments you now have with them. The moments are very magical.

dlm ny country


----------



## brianne (Feb 18, 2012)

I completely understand what you are feeling. My Chumlee is nearly 12 years old and I was only able to start a thread for him in the Senior Forum in February! 

I think it's human nature to worry. Every parent and pet owner worries but it's important to recognize when worrying is getting the best of you. Two of my favorite quotes about worrying are:

_"It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized."_ Wayne Dyer

_"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy"_ Leo Buscaglia

Make a conscious effort to turn off those thoughts when you can and enjoy your beautiful boys.

Sending good thoughts for peace from your worries.


----------



## KKaren (Oct 29, 2014)

I understand what you are feeling, I feel it sometimes too, but very much agree with what Sweet Girl has said.



Sweet Girl said:


> "...try not to let it take up more time than actually loving and enjoying the time you DO have with your dogs.... "


Actually with being part of this forum, you grow to love other goldens here in this community so loss for me is more frequent than it might be if I was only loving my dog and the dogs of my close friends. 

My girl is not yet 2, but I sometimes wake her up.... like G-bear . It's a silly thing but I just want to make sure she's OK. I figure she sleeps a lot while I'm at work so she'll forgive me.


----------



## swishywagga (Nov 13, 2012)

I too became quite obsessed with my boy's health around the age of ten. He went on to live for a further five years and I wished I hadn't worried so much as the time went so fast. I truly think it's a natural part of the caring and love that we have for our precious goldens that makes us stress so much. Treasure every minute their lives are so very short.


----------



## Jim and Hank (Jun 29, 2011)

Good to see you are coming to an understanding with your worries. I will say upfront that I do not worry much about my dogs. And that worry is divided by three so it is rare when I get to the point of unfounded worry about any of them. I look after them, make sure they are happy and safe and enjoying life. They are older dogs and have and will see their ages showing up in their health. I focus on their day to day lives and try to embrace that - it helps distract a person from what is coming. A year ago I lost my first older golden - I think about Hank lots - a great, great dog. Hope you. Duke and Connor have many more good years and memories. All the best and enjoy


----------



## Sweet Girl (Jun 10, 2010)

Not to simply just keep agreeing with each other, but this is SO true. I hadn't really thought about it like this. 



KKaren said:


> Actually with being part of this forum, you grow to love other goldens here in this community so loss for me is more frequent than it might be if I was only loving my dog and the dogs of my close friends.


----------



## B and G Mom (Oct 29, 2014)

Yes!!!! For me the "panic button" age is 10. We don't know for sure how old she was but we think our rescue Blossom died somewhere in her 10th year (she could have been 11), then we lost Bailey at 10 yrs 7 months, then Belle at 10 yrs 3 months. 

Even though our Georgie is most likely 11 - again a rescue so we don't have an exact age on her - I panic less about her because she is a mix so I figure she's got a better chance of living longer. But even still I check her over everyday in a way I don't with the boys who are much younger. 

I try not to let it consume my thoughts - but the fear is there and very real. And it is certainly more intense when we go away. We now have camera set up and that helps me a lot - I can check in on them and call to them and see everyone up and fine. 

We almost didn't get another Golden after we lot Belle - but we ended up with our Turkey dog.


----------



## Wolfeye (Sep 15, 2015)

We all like to prepare. Sometimes we prepare by withdrawal, sometimes by over-indulging. This can be done by emotional as well as physical means. Sometimes we even think, "If I could love them just a little bit less, it wouldn't hurt so bad when they die", but that's not why we chose to partner with a golden retriever. I say partner, rather than own, because every single one of us is in a relationship with our dog. While we can't know for certain what they feel, we hope we share a love that will endure for 10, 12, 15 or more years. There are plenty of breeds which don't form as close an attachment as golden retrievers. We didn't get one because we need, we crave, we love *what they are* and that's why, when the time comes, they rip your heart to shreds.

I for one, can't think of anything more beautiful than that. That's the way love is supposed to work. 

You're doing a good thing by having all the tests done, but really, they leave us when their time is up, regardless of what we desire - and often regardless of our interventions. The essential pain of loss is no different whether thrust upon us suddenly or after an 11 month battle. We're all left with that awful, empty feeling. We as humans tend to recoil from powerful negative emotions. We really shouldn't. It's part of being human. 

I have an eight month old puppy. I look at him and say to myself, "you're going to kill me, aren't you?" because my love for him grows every single day. I picture myself, far in the future I hope, utterly devastated by his loss. And I'm ok with that. Might as well be, since death comes to us all. For now though, it's training and hikes and swims for sticks. It's time to run and try and catch a frisbee and fall back to Earth in a heap. It's time for puppy kisses and shoes never being where they're supposed to be. Live in the now.

It's a dog's motto, after all.


----------



## alphadude (Jan 15, 2010)

I used to worry about Ax with every passing birthday after 5, not to the point of obsession but with dread nonetheless. I never let it interfere with our daily activities and I would always let him go 'full throttle' because that was just the way he lived his life. Turned out I needn't have worried about 10 since hemangio took him out @ 8.5.


----------



## Rainheart (Nov 28, 2010)

Remember, age is not a disease. Yes, our goldens are plagued with cancer, but this can happen at any age. Once your golden is around 7-8 years of age, yearly bloodwork and twice a year exams are recommended. You can also ultrasound the abdomen at that time, although this is no guarantee to catch hemangiosarcoma early. 
The best thing you can do is just know your dog's routine and if something is off/not right (like decreased appetite, sluggish/lethargic, exercise intolerance, etc). You are your pet's advocate and don't wait if they seem off. Get in to see a veterinarian right away.


----------



## nolefan (Nov 6, 2009)

Death is a part of life. People who have experienced a significant loss in their lives (a child, best friend whether it's human or canine or spouse) become incredibly aware of how tenuous life is. We all live under that threat on a daily basis. Where the experience differs is how we decide to deal with those feelings. Do we choose to remind ourselves on a regular basis that each day is a gift and embrace life? Or do we choose to focus on how awful the inevitable loss will be? Life is all about choices and although we can't control the outcome of many things, we can control how we respond. 

When faced with a diagnosis of terminal illness of a pet, do we have a good cry and then get on with enjoying each day we have left with out dog? Or do we collapse, unable to take advantage of our last chances to walk on the beach or share ice cream or a drive thru burger with our beloved dog? Most of us have to hit the reset button continuously to make it through these chapters. It's a mistake not to understand that people who successfully navigate these issues have to remind themselves over and over to embrace each day. They just make the choice to do it. You can too. Just remember it's a choice. The same thought can be applied to the realization that even with a healthy dog, our remaining years are numbered. It may be 2 years or 5 years remaining, we just can't know. So we have to make choices about what we will do with those remaining years.

I want to share a poem that became a life mantra for me when I was widowed unexpectedly at age 28. People who suffer devastating life changing loss have a unique understanding of how valuable life is. The loss of a special dog is really no different. Why would you choose to live an empty color-less life devoid of the special relationship and love that only dogs bring to us. I choose to live each and every day that God has give me. It's not easy, I constantly hit the reset button, but I do it, because life and love are a miracle and I wouldn't choose to live life any other way.

I Don’t Know Why
By Iris M. Bolton 

I don’t know why… 
I’ll never know why… 
I don’t have to know why… 
I don’t like it… 
I don’t have to like it… 

What I do have to do is make a choice about my living. 
What I do want to do is to accept it and go on living. 
The choice is mine. 
I can go on living, valuing every moment in a way I never did before, 
Or I can be destroyed by it and in turn, destroy others. 

I thought I was immortal, that my children and my family were also, 
That tragedy happened only to others… 
But I know now that life is tenuous and valuable. 
And I choose to go on living, making the most of the time I have, 
Valuing my family and friends in a way I never experienced before.

This was written by Iris Bolton after the suicide of her 20 year old son. I admire her greatly because she used her experience to help others.


----------



## Anele (Dec 12, 2014)

I think about it, too, and my dog is only 2 years old.

Have you ever read the book, 



?

It tells the story of a boy and his dog. The dog gets older and passes away, but he remembers that he told her every night, "I'll always love you," and it eases his grief a little.

That's the way I try to live every day with my dog. I try to make each day special in some way and for him to feel loved and appreciated. 

We can't guaranteed how long we'll have them, but we can ensure that their lives are filled with joy and love.


----------



## ggdenny (Nov 2, 2008)

Anele said:


> I think about it, too, and my dog is only 2 years old.
> 
> Have you ever read the book, I'll Always Love You?
> 
> ...


The words that people have posted in this thread have helped me tremendously. And, I do now practice telling my boys everyday how much I love them and will always love them. Every night before they go to sleep I kiss them both several times and say I love you.

I'm trying harder to live in the moment and not worry so much about the future.


----------

