# RIP Axl



## alphadude

It's been two weeks since my best friend, my cherished family member, my once in a lifetime dog Axl died in my arms. I always knew this was going to be hard, I had no idea how brutal the reality actually would be.

I miss you Axl, every minute of every day. You're the first thing I thing about when I open my eyes and the last thing before sleep takes me. 

I will always love you buddy, and I will forever cherish the time we spent together.

Your absence has left a void in my life that *nothing* could ever fill. You took a *HUGE* part of me with you when you took your final breath cradled in my arms and I felt the last beat of your magnificent heart.

I just hope you knew how much you meant to me. No beach, field or sunset I look upon for the rest of my days will bring me any pleasure because you won't be on it.

RIP my sweet boy. You were the *BEST FRIEND EVER* and I was always so proud of you. You were a rock star....

Axl

12-16-07 - 9-5-16


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## hotel4dogs

<<hugs>>
It is so hard.


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## Laurie

I'm so sorry! I know exactly how you feel. I lost my beautiful heart dog Austin back in June from a very aggressive cancer. He was only 7.5 years old. I hate going to sleep at night because as soon as I close my eyes, I see him....I open my eyes and I miss him. My whole life is different even though I have 2 other Goldens who I love dearly. Austin was my boy, my best bud, my everything.


RIP Axl.


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## Piper_the_goldenpuppy

Sending thoughts and prayers to you.


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## Karen519

*Axl*

Rest in peace, sweet Axl. I'm sure you're chasing Frisbees with Snobear and Smooch!


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## Coby Love

I am so sorry for your loss of Axl. Again another Golden gone too young. I truly feel for you and you're right... no one could ever prepare you for how hard it is to lose your dog. Please know all of us understand how you feel. I lost my boy suddenly to hemangeosarcoma (sp?) and it was devastating. This is definitely somewhere you can talk about your feelings and we all get it. Axl was an awesomely handsome boy! Glad to know he's in heaven with the rest of our guys playing on the beach there under the rainbow bridge. 0


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## CAROLINA MOM

I'm so sorry for your loss of Axl, he was a very special dog. I hope time will ease your pain and profound sense of loss. The day will come when you think of Axl and remember the special times and memories you'll be able to smile. It unfortunately takes time. 

Godspeed Axl


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## jennretz

RIP sweet Axl. Thinking of you and your family AD.


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## TheZ's

I think it takes losing a great dog to really understand that old saying "a dog is man's best friend". As others have said, time will help you heal. Ax wouldn't want you to close yourself off from the joys of life including the beauty of a beach, field or sunset. May his spirit be with you always.


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## SandyK

Yes it is so very hard to lose them. You won't enjoy your special places like you did with Axl, but in time you will see and enjoy them differently. Just remember to take care of yourself.


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## laprincessa

Hold tight to the memories
Hold tight to the joy he brought to your life
Hold tight to Angus - let him help you through this
Hold tight to your friends
Axl is where there's no pain, only endless beaches and tireless tosses of frisbees
You'll be with him again one day, that I know
Till then, hold tight to the memories


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## soxOZ

I am so sorry for the loss of Axl, and so young...!!!
He was a "Rock Star"...

_*"The saddest moment in life is when the one who gave you the best memories becomes a memory!"*_


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## elly

I'm so terribly sorry, it's always the saddest news to read here. He was a great boy and I am just thankful too that you had each other and he was blessed with a great life with you. 
Run free sweetheart, play hard x


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## first golden

I have been searching for words to say, something to help you, to make the pain ease, to help the sorrow pass...but I am at a loss...I read your posts and feel your pain and all that is left is to say, is I am sorry, and that I hope his memories keep you strong..and remember Axl is watching over you...


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## 4rdogs

So sorry..
Please remember Axl went to the bridge knowing how much you loved him & how much he loved you
The pain will go away, the memories will live a lifetime


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## Otter

Sorry AD.
It certainly is hard.
Hang in there.


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## B and G Mom

That was a lovely tribute to an amazing dog.
It is so, so, so hard.
I wish I had something else to say to ease the misery - but I know it all too well.


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## Wolfeye

They weave their golden fur into the very fabric of our being. When they die we feel each connecting thread being ripped away. What was two, what was a team, is now cut in half. You stand alone. In time you heal, you go on, you put on the brave face, but NOTHING will ever be the same. I still tear up simply removing the still-present golden hairs from my clothing, and have decided just to leave them there.

And then a puppy comes into your life and a new connection begins. Not a replacement, for nothing will ever replace the love of your life, but something that will blossom and grow and bring you joy, until that same awful day comes again.

This is life as a dog owner, as a dog lover. We do it over and over again. I've lost 4 dogs. Each was hard. 

Peace does come, when the grief has diminished. 

Wishing you that peace.


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## swishywagga

My heart goes out to you, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious Axl.


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## Kalhayd

I'm so very sorry.


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## Wendy427

I'm so so sorry for your anguish. Axl was indeed a very special and loved boy.


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## sophieanne

Axl is pain free and running around telling all the other dogs at the bridge what a wonderful friend he had to leave behind. But remember, he will always be with you. I know it's hard but those memories are going to help you through.


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## murphy1

Time helps but there will always be that empty space in your heart. Know he's waiting for you and misses you as much as you miss him.


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## Pilgrim123

AD, I wish there was some way I could help...


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## Dave S

I feel your pain AD, I miss my Allie so much. It's been over a month since I lost her and it still feels like yesterday. I'm trying to stay strong and I wish the same for you.......


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## Sweet Girl

It is the hardest part about having a dog.  But how lucky we are to have one so special that it hurts this much when they go.


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## MaureenM

I'm so very sorry. I always liked reading about Axle and the fun you two had together. He'll be with you always.


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## LeoTheGolden

So sorry for your loss. RIP sweet Axl.


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## NewfieMom

*"Epitaph to a Dog" for Axl*

I have posted many times in Axl's other thread, but not, yet, in this memorial thread. The following poem by Lord Byron, "Epitaph to a Dog" was written to his own dog, "Boatswain" (pronounced "Bo'sun"), who was a Newfoundland. He entitled it generically for a reason, however. It was meant for all of the best of man's best friends, not just Newfoundlands. I never posted it on this forum before. I am proud to do so in Axl's honor. He was such a fine example of a dog.

Deb
(NewfieMom)

Epitaph to a Dog​ * George Gordon Byron, 1788 - 1824 *



​ Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.
This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery
if inscribed over human Ashes,
is but a just tribute to the Memory of
_BOATSWAIN, a DOG_,
who was born in _Newfoundland_ May 1803
and died at _Newstead_ Nov. 18th, 1808.​When some proud Son of Man returns to Earth,
Unknown to Glory but upheld by Birth,
The sculptor’s art exhausts the pomp of woe,
And storied urns record who rests below:
When all is done, upon the Tomb is seen
Not what he was, but what he should have been.
But the poor Dog, in life the firmest friend,
The first to welcome, foremost to defend,
Whose honest heart is still his Master’s own,
Who labours, fights, lives, breathes for him alone,
Unhonour’d falls, unnotic’d all his worth,
Deny’d in heaven the Soul he held on earth:
While man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven,
And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven.
Oh man! thou feeble tenant of an hour,
Debas’d by slavery, or corrupt by power,
Who knows thee well, must quit thee with disgust,
Degraded mass of animated dust!
Thy love is lust, thy friendship all a cheat,
Thy tongue hypocrisy, thy heart deceit!
By nature vile, ennobled but by name,
Each kindred brute might bid thee blush for shame.
Ye! who behold perchance this simple urn,
Pass on, it honors none you wish to mourn.
To mark a friend’s remains these stones arise;
I never knew but one—and here he lies.

​


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## Brinkleythegolden

I'm so sorry, Alphadude. RIP, Axl!


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## jennretz

Deb - thanks for sharing that poem


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## alphadude

Thanks everyone for all the kind words.

I was looking for something on my phone and I came across this pic. It was the quintessential Axl. It was taken early evening this past July 4th, 3 weeks before his diagnosis. My wife had outfitted both he and Puffy with special holiday dew rags. I can't tell you how many similar pics I have of Ax standing bold, strong, alert and confident on the deck, tail erect, (with his favorite orange ball in his mouth) surveying his kingdom. Heartbreaking to know in retrospect, that his beautiful muscular, athletic body would be completely wasted away and he would be dead 2 months and 1 day later.

I miss him so much....


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## Hootie821

I am so sorry for your loss. Run free Axl....


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## jennretz

That is a beautiful picture of Ax and Puffy!


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## alphadude

jennretz said:


> That is a beautiful picture of Ax and Puffy!


Actually, it's not a particularly good clear shot of either but I love Ax's classic posture which he assumed every day. 

Ironically, come to think of it, he was standing approximately 15' from the spot where he would take his last breath...right inside the sliding glass door in the background.


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## Pilgrim123

AD, that is a glorious photo of how Ax lived, not of anything else. He was lucky - so many dogs don't get the chance to find what they are put on Earth for. You gave him that chance. You let him be a proud, bold and strong protector of his territory. And he lived his whole life with the love he deserved. That's the important thing I'll take from this photo.


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## Panama Rob

I had a dream about Axl. I was watching an Angel on a cloud top. Axl was dancing around his feet. The Angel grabbed the halo from over his head and slung it out across the heavens. I dreamt Axl was in full pursuit in full health and amazingly athletic even by divine standards. I saw another Angel kneel as Axl used his back as a spring board to launch across the heavens to catch a halo tossed high. He was happy and exuberant. There is a meme on the Internet and for many of us this would truly be heaven.


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## CashStringer

I can't even begin to imagine your grief. I'm so sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you!


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## roofystew

I am so sorry for your loss. Those are great photos of Axl.


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## skeetie

Hey AD,

Been thinking of you....so so sorry. He'll always be in your heart.


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## alphadude

Having a hard time today. Cool crisp fall weather like this was his favorite. 

I miss him so much. Every minute of every day.


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## jennretz

Thinking of you 


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## Wendy427

Sending kindness and thoughtful feelings to you and your family.


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## ceegee

The first couple of months are very tough. Everything is a reminder of what's gone.

One of the things that helped me the most was to find positive ways of preserving Ruby's memory. I did a major fundraiser in her name, for canine cancer research ($4,000 raised), and planning that event was comforting in many respects. Mailing the cheque was, I think, the first step back towards normality for me. The other thing I did was to donate a recurrent award in her name at our club's agility trial. Ruby was a fantastic "gamble" dog (distance work), and the year before her death she was the only dog in a field of nearly 90 entries to successfully complete one particular event. So now, I present a small trophy and certificate to the dog with the highest score in that event at each trial (twice a year). It's fun to see the dogs competing hard to win the trophy, and it's a fitting tribute to Ruby, who always ran her heart out for me in the agility ring. I've attached a photo of the certificate presented at the fall trial earlier this month (the second edition of the award - the first was presented in May). The September winner, a friend of mine, has the trophy and certificate on display in his home, and it's nice to know that he thinks of my dog often, whenever he looks at them.

Best of luck as you move forward. I've been in your shoes, and know how difficult it is. Kind thoughts coming your way from Canada.


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## alphadude

ceegee said:


> The first couple of months are very tough. Everything is a reminder of what's gone.
> 
> One of the things that helped me the most was to find positive ways of preserving Ruby's memory. I did a major fundraiser in her name, for canine cancer research ($4,000 raised), and planning that event was comforting in many respects. Mailing the cheque was, I think, the first step back towards normality for me. The other thing I did was to donate a recurrent award in her name at our club's agility trial. Ruby was a fantastic "gamble" dog (distance work), and the year before her death she was the only dog in a field of nearly 90 entries to successfully complete one particular event. So now, I present a small trophy and certificate to the dog with the highest score in that event at each trial (twice a year). It's fun to see the dogs competing hard to win the trophy, and it's a fitting tribute to Ruby, who always ran her heart out for me in the agility ring. I've attached a photo of the certificate presented at the fall trial earlier this month (the second edition of the award - the first was presented in May). The September winner, a friend of mine, has the trophy and certificate on display in his home, and it's nice to know that he thinks of my dog often, whenever he looks at them.
> 
> Best of luck as you move forward. I've been in your shoes, and know how difficult it is. Kind thoughts coming your way from Canada.


I've already considered attempting to organize some sort of distance oriented canine disc competition in Axl's memory and donating the proceeds specifically to hemangio research. The organizations that stage these disc competitions are very protective of their turf so to speak, and are difficult to work with. 

It just wouldn't make sense to do anything in Axl's memory that didn't somehow involve dogs catching discs over long distances since that was his life's 'work'.

Also, I am *extremely* skeptical of 'cancer research organizations' that utilize 90+% of the donations for 'administrative costs' and a few cents on the dollar are actually used for the intended purpose.


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## Yaichi's Mom

alphadude said:


> Having a hard time today. Cool crisp fall weather like this was his favorite.
> 
> I miss him so much. Every minute of every day.


I so feel the pain in your heart AD and the void Axl's passing has left in your life.

Out of all the souls, both 2 legged and 4 legged, there are but a very few who leave such a profound difference in ones' life while we have the blessing to have them with us...and then such an almost insurmountable void when we part in the physical.

I have questioned this often in my own journey wondering why?...why would the universe grant us something so, so special, only to rip it away and rip our heart and soul out at the same time???

My current best guess is that we have wonderful gifts and moments in this lifetime with these special souls....one's that we/they both are student and teacher. I would surmise that Axl would have never been the amazing canine souls he was, if he didn't have you in his life. I would also say that you would not be who you are today without having Axl in your life. 

So, ok, you might say...very nice, however what do we do with all of that..??

You both shared a unique and extremely special unconditional love and synergy...no better gift in any lifetime.

I know that as the huge pain in your heart begins to slowly heal with the acceptance of Axl's passing ( not that it ever completely will), you will find a way to help heal your heart in Axl's memory with reverence for what you both meant to one another and pay it forward in whatever way your heart guides you...and I am sure Axl will guide your path to do just that.

Hugs and love coming your way from Brisby and I.


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## laprincessa

My boss started a charity event after she lost her Shitzu to cancer
She donates all the money raised to the local vets angel fund
It's a way to remember and honor Zoey
I think it's a wonderful idea to do something in Axl's name, and planning it would maybe help you heal a little bit


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## alphadude

Does anyone know how exactly I can go about changing my username on here? I have PMed a mod or 2 and received no response.

I'm not feeling very alpha these days and I need to honor Ax.

I am in the process of consolidating around a Terrabyte of pics and videos of Ax through the years. It is very difficult but I need to get through it. 

I made a point of always getting pics and videos of him as insurance against a time when he was no longer with me. Unfortunately, that time has now arrived, way earlier than either of us planned. 

At least I can take small comfort knowing that his exploits were always thoroughly documented. I NEVER want to forget exactly how AWESOME he was.

I came across these before...

The second one is him taking care of a headache for me as he often did. The last pic was taken the night of his 8th (and last) birthday after about 6 hours of intense activity and his traditional filet mignon dinner.


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## LeoTheGolden

My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. May you find the strength to,one day, be able to smile at his lovely memories. We are indeed blessed to be able to love them and be loved by them so much. RIP sweet Axl. 


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## SandyK

Everyone knows you as alphadude...we wouldn't know you if you change.


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## Pilgrim123

SandyK said:


> Everyone knows you as alphadude...we wouldn't know you if you change.


I agree with this to a point. At the same time, I can understand your desire to include Ax in your name. With this in mind, may I make a suggestion? How about Axldude, which is similar to your present name but permanently honors him?
Take care of yourself.


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## murphy1

You're Alphadude to Ax, I'm thinking he'd want you to stay just as you are, the guy he looked up to and loved, HIS Alphadude. When looking at all the memorabilia you have of Ax there will be a tear in your eye but always have a smile on your face remembering the good times together on the beach. Great picture of the headache reliever!


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## alphadude

Came across another pic I liked from vacation @ Wildwood last year.

Ax would jump up into the chair next to me. He did it at the vet's office all the time also.


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## jennretz

Look how happy he was sitting next to you 


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## alphadude

jennretz said:


> Look how happy he was sitting next to you
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The feeling was quite mutual.

Tried to recreate the pic this summer in Wildwood. Ax didn't seem to want to jump up. Of course in hindsight I understand that the reason was that he had a pair of bleeding tumors in his gut that would be diagnosed less than one week later. Didn't stop him from going 100% on the beach though.

In recent moments of clarity, I am so ANGRY with myself for not picking up on the subtle signs that something was not right. Every single one of them SHOULD have prompted me to investigate what was going on. I knew about hemangio from reading about it here. I just attributed it to him heading toward 9 and 'conserving his legs'. He never let it interfere with his athletics though. He was too tough and driven for his own good.

I remembered recently, taking him to the one of his 2 primary vets this past January. The receptionist, who hadn't seen him for a while said 'I don't like the way his eyes look, with a hollow behind them. I hope he doesn't have cancer'. ****** if she wasn't right. 

Too bad her IDIOT boss wasn't as smart, and too bad Axl's IDIOT owner didn't have a sonogram done at that time instead of waiting until he was symptomatic, and stage 4.

I will NEVER forgive myself.


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## murphy1

Stop beating yourself up! I don't think knowing sooner would have made that big a difference. Ax lived a wonderful life thanks to you. What a lucky dog! Your hurt is still very raw, it takes a long time. Ax is happy and out of pain, know he will great you at the pearly gates a long time from now. He misses you too.


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## SandyK

Please don't beat yourself up!! I hope you don't mind me sharing my story because I think it might help you. My Abby was my medical child from day one. A list of issues. One that was often through her life was UTI's. So when she was 8 we were sent to get her an u/s of bladder. It was then that they saw mass on her spleen. My vet explained hemangiosarcoma. She said we could remove it and have it tested. If it was benign then things would be good, but if not she would have about 4-5 weeks to live. That is what statistics say. So I opted not to remove because I knew Abby would not be on the lucky side. So we had u/s every 6 months to monitor growth. We did this for over 2years then when it was so big and because we travel so much my vet suggested to have it removed because she knew if I was somewhere that I could not get help for Abby things wouldn't be good. My vet could not do the surgery because she wanted Abby to have 24-7 care so we went to VCA center. I had many issues with that place, but that is another story. Bottom line...We got 5 weeks together after that. So my point is you did nothing wrong!!! It is just a horrible cancer!!!


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## Pilgrim123

AD, don't you know how many of us go through exactly the same emotions? I beat myself up for a long time, because I had a feeling something wasn't quite right with Girly before she was diagnosed with two large growths on her liver. I should have known, but I did sweet Fanny Adams. Rather like you did with Ax, I put it down to ageing.
And yet, I could not change what happened. Neither could you. Neither of us were privileged to know the future and neither of us were responsible for it.


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## alphadude

I am fully aware that guilt is one of the stages of grief in the accepted model. 

I was so in tune with Ax and I put hands on him *every single day* after exercise checking for lumps, bumps, hotspots, burrs, injury of any kind, or anything at all that was cause for concern. I even went so far as to check his abdomen after ever meal to guard against bloat. I was fanatical about that as well as his weight. All that said, I SHOULD have taken action when I noticed subtle changes in his behavior. 

For example, I noticed in early spring or thereabouts (April) that when entering the SUV he would no longer jump directly up onto the seat from the ground like he always did. Ax was a jumper, always was. It was a point of great pride, for both of us. 

He all of a sudden started jumping onto the floor and then up onto the seat. I just attributed it to him making a concession to 8.5 year old legs. It sure didn't stop him from leaping 3 or 4 feet in the air catching discs as always on the beach so I figured he was just 'picking his spots' and just being a bit 'smarter'. In hindsight, it was him feeling pain or at minimum discomfort but pushing himself anyway, because he had a 'job' to do.

I also should have noticed that he was having trouble keeping weight on even as far back as last fall. After I had trimmed him down in the spring/summer of '15. He was never really able to maintain his weight at or above 70 lbs where I wanted it. I always just attributed it to his extreme activity and I talked myself into the fact that I had 'jumpstarted' his metabolism.

If I had been as vigilant as I *thought *, he'd still have had hemangio, but we'd have had a LOT more options and time....


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## jennretz

I can't say that I would have picked up on anything based on what you described. Remember hindsight is always 20/20...


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## alphadude

jennretz said:


> I can't say that I would have picked up on anything based on what you described. Remember hindsight is always 20/20...


Jenn, you are entirely correct, hindsight is indeed 20/20 and catching it earlier would not have changed the eventual outcome, but it definitely would have afforded us many more treatment options and as a result more time. Catching any cancer - even hemangio, in it's early stages makes all the difference. He was extremely strong and fit and in impeccable cardio health and would have been able to tolerate treatments some 8.5 year olds might not have been able to.

I guess it's a moot point though.


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## laprincessa

I beat myself up every day wondering what I should have done today to make Max's life better. The only result is that I have bruises. 

Axl had the BEST life, a life most dogs never get to know. Please don't beat yourself up any more.


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## Dave S

AD, it's been 6 weeks for me now and I still feel as bad as day one, finding no joy in anything. I've been asking all the same questions you have, and I too attributed ever so subtle changes to the fact that my girl was getting older. Recent visits to the vet showed nothing abnormal. I regret it now, but from everything I've read (and I've done SO much reading lately) you MIGHT have bought a little more time if you caught it faster, but you just don't know. That disease has taken so many seemingly healthy, athletic dogs, way too early and much too fast. Some tried everything possible, in the way of treatments, and it didn't change a thing. Ax was a lucky dog to have you in his life, and you were a lucky "dad". I wish you the same as I'm hoping for myself, that time will help heal a few of the scars. All the best.............


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## NewfieMom

*alphadude* and *Dave*,

I am sorry for your pain. *alphadude*, I am extremely sorry for your _guilt_, too. I do think it is part of grieving, but I really empathize with what you are going through. It is a terrible phase of life. After my last loss, I vowed never to have another dog. But now I have one.

Big hugs,
Deb
(NewfieMom)


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## Dave S

Thanks Deb. Personally I don't know if I'm ready for another dog yet, everything is still so fresh. I picture her everywhere and I break down daily. There are so many questions I have in how I bought her up. She was healthy, happy, had a good diet & plenty of exercise, I thought I was doing the right thing. But I wonder, did I have her "fixed" too early, did I over-vaccinate (despite what the vet says), are tick/flea treatments worth the possible poisoning that their systems are being subjected to, are raw diets better? The list goes on and on. I guess I'm trying to figure how much was genetics and how much was environment- things I could have controlled. She was 10 1/2 but didn't act it, until the end. Was it destined to happen anyways? If I made a mistake somewhere I wouldn't want to repeat it.


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## Mausann

Rest in peace - I know how hard it is, but it sure is worth loving one then not. Hugs to you!!


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## jennretz

IMHO we humans think we have more control than we actually do. My dad lived to 82 years old, drank, lived off coffee and cigarettes. He continued to smoke after he was diagnosed with lung cancer and he still lived a very long life. My husband exercises, doesn't drink, eats right and has survived cancer and a heart attack already in his early 50's. His healthy life style started in his 20's. I guess what I believe is that genetics makes up a disproportionate share of the outcome and lifestyle has a lesser impact than we would like to think. Why would the same not apply to our furry companions? 


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## sophieanne

AD, I understand how you are feeling but reality is, even if you thought something was wrong there may have been nothing that you could've done. How do I know?? I lived through it. My dog Simon lost his battle to hema.... We took him to the vet several times (over a couple months) before it took him, claiming something was wrong, noticing the swelling in his abdomen and knowing he wasn't well. The vet tested, probed and prodded and couldn't find a thing. This went on until his final and fatal bleed. There was nothing that could be found and yet we did everything we could to try and find a problem we knew was thee. My understanding is once it can be diagnosed, it's usually too late, the cancer has been in the system too long to heal. Doesn't mean I wouldn't have tried, I just didn't have the opportunity. Be kind to yourself and focus on what a wonderful life you gave and had with Axl. Reality is, all any of us have is today.


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## alphadude

Dave S said:


> AD, it's been 6 weeks for me now and I still feel as bad as day one, finding no joy in anything. I've been asking all the same questions you have, and I too attributed ever so subtle changes to the fact that my girl was getting older. Recent visits to the vet showed nothing abnormal. I regret it now, but from everything I've read (and I've done SO much reading lately) you MIGHT have bought a little more time if you caught it faster, but you just don't know. That disease has taken so many seemingly healthy, athletic dogs, way too early and much too fast. Some tried everything possible, in the way of treatments, and it didn't change a thing. Ax was a lucky dog to have you in his life, and you were a lucky "dad". I wish you the same as I'm hoping for myself, that time will help heal a few of the scars. All the best.............


Thanks Dave. I feel exactly the same way. It will be a month on Monday and the grief is still so RAW and visceral like the day it happened. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and nothing brings me any enjoyment...at all.

I also have been reading voraciously on the topic of that vile cancer that has claimed the lives of so many beautiful goldens as well as other breeds. Essentially ZERO progress has been made with treatments or even early detection in a decade plus.


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## alphadude

Dave S said:


> Thanks Deb. Personally I don't know if I'm ready for another dog yet, everything is still so fresh. I picture her everywhere and I break down daily. There are so many questions I have in how I bought her up. She was healthy, happy, had a good diet & plenty of exercise, I thought I was doing the right thing. But I wonder, did I have her "fixed" too early, did I over-vaccinate (despite what the vet says), are tick/flea treatments worth the possible poisoning that their systems are being subjected to, are raw diets better? The list goes on and on. I guess I'm trying to figure how much was genetics and how much was environment- things I could have controlled. She was 10 1/2 but didn't act it, until the end. Was it destined to happen anyways? If I made a mistake somewhere I wouldn't want to repeat it.


I completely regret having Ax neutered for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that if we at least had a puppy he sired, it would feel like a part of him was still with us, literally. Make no mistake, even though some on this forum may disagree, I absolutely WOULD have allowed a dog as extraordinary as he was to sire a litter or two. I would of course, have found the right super athletic Dam, no matter what it took.

Also the fact that the latest studies show that neutering (especially early neutering) statistically *increase the chances* of hemangio. 

I also regret allowing him to be vaccinated according to all the normal protocols as well as the frontline, (which I stopped two years ago when I found out it was essentially a neurotoxin), the heartguard, which he was still on, and even the ultra high end commercial food, which I spent a small fortune on weekly for he and Angus. 

Lastly, the vet he saw most often in his younger days was a big fan of Prednisone to clear up hot spots due to his extremely active outdoors lifestyle and constantly being in contact with the environment and its many allergens. It was very effective but at what cost to his long term health? I put a stop to that back when he was around 4 but was the damage done already?

That said, I believe genetic predisposition trumps environmental factors when it comes to hemangio, but that does not mean I will not do things very differently the next time around. Unfortunately, those lessons were learned at the expense of my beloved once in a lifetime dog.


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## alphadude

Just on a whim with a rainy Saturday to kill, my wife and I decided to take a ride down to see a few litters of Border Collie pups on a farm in south west Jersey. I have been toying with the idea of getting a BC because they are very smart, super high energy, and from what I've seen and heard, they make great disc dogs. I actually spent about two hours there playing with a pack of about 12 adult BC's. Another consideration is that breed doesn't have anywhere close to the same statistical rate of cancers as golden's unfortunately do.

I took along a disc or 2 as well as a Pro Ring and they ALL seemed keenly interested in them. The entire pack stood perfectly still and watched as I prepared to toss them - eyes fixed on me. It was actually kind of freaky. The mother of one litter of pups was by far the best and always came back with the disc. In that respect, she reminded me of Ax. She was about a 3 year old dog who had caught discs before according to the breeder. She was very energetic, not Axl energetic though, and in my expert opinion, she was only marginally talented. At a range of 20 or 30 yards, a mere fraction of the distances Ax used to routinely go, she was catching about 30% or so. The problem is for some reason, all of the dogs seemed to take circuitous routes to the eventual landing spot of the discs and her eye mouth coordination was quite poor when compared to Axl - even on his first day. 

Also, I saw little evidence of the great leaping ability BCs are renowned for. My wife made a very astute observation though, saying that they are a herding breed and instinctively they take a circular route and keep their attention fixed at ground level as opposed to retrievers (field retrievers anyway) that tend to track things in the air like ducks that are shot and fall to the ground which they then retrieve.

My wife had a brief flirtation with the female 'alpha pup' (again according to the breeder) but in the end, we passed on her. She was cute and probably had potential but neither of us felt any real connection to her. We didn't want to make a rash decision that we might later regret.

I feel like having an athletic dog to train and play with *might* make me feel slightly better at this point, and I don't feel that it's disrespectful to Axl's memory in any way. Unfortunately, he's gone and there's nothing I can do to change that. It's never been clearer that NO dog can or will ever be able to replace him, especially when it comes to the sport we both loved - catching discs at extreme distances. He was an absolute natural, and my statistical chances of finding another one are slim and none. I guess I'd rather take my chances with another golden.

I am looking at a breeder of hunt/field goldens in Ontario (Ambertrails). One user on this forum recommends them highly and said they produce quality high energy dogs. The have two sets of pups due at the end of this month, ready to come home around the holidays and Ax's birthday, which at this point, promise to be a joyless train wreck in his absence.


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## TheZ's

I thought of suggesting a Border Collie to you but thought you needed to find your own way to another dog. They're smart, high energy, athletic and many love frisbie. A few years ago when I was taking Zoe to our local dog park there was often a fellow there with his BC. She was amazing with the frisbie. You could see her tracking it and knew exactly where to be to get it. For some reason she seemed to know I was interested in playing and sometimes she'd bring it to me. So much fun. She just never seemed to want to quit playing the game.


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## SandyK

Glad you are exploring options. You are right...there will never be another Axl. I think it would be good for you to have another active dog to interact with.


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## alphadude

Here are pics of the sire and dam of one of the Ambertrail litters due at the end of the month. If nothing else, hopefully the pups should at least have the physical attributes I'm looking for in a field golden...they look like jumpers.

Broker in the air

Ace also in the air


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## jennretz

That's some amazing height...quite impressive


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## first golden

Looks like a very athletic pair, I know it won't replace Axl, maybe it is meant to be since he birthdays are so close....


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## alphadude

first golden said:


> Looks like a very athletic pair, I know it won't replace Axl, maybe it is meant to be since he birthdays are so close....


I think the timing will be good. It's now become obvious to me, that I need to have another high energy golden in my life to try and fill the awful void that now exists. No dog could ever replace Axl but maybe, just maybe I can catch lightening in a bottle a second time and get another great dog. Frankly, I'd be overjoyed if he turned out to be half the dog my beloved Ax was.

I've spoken to, and like this breeder. They and the field goldens they breed seem to be highly regarded. 

The pups should be whelped either the last week of October or the first week of November. and be ready to come home right before Christmas. 

Axl's birthday is/was 12/16. Every year, he and I would spend the whole day together doing what he loved - catching discs, swimming, digging holes on the beach etc. After sunset which we enjoyed together, I would grill him up a couple pounds of Filet mignon for dinner and Vanilla ice cream for dessert. After dinner he would get gifts (usually new discs) and hang out with the family being fawned over for the rest of the night. Obviously that will be a very difficult day given the circumstances and Christmas won't be any better - he was a cherished family member and his presence will be sorely missed by all of us.

It'll never be the same without Ax around but adding a new field golden puppy at that particular time might brighten the mood somewhat, at least I'm hoping so.


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## alphadude

jennretz said:


> That's some amazing height...quite impressive


That's the only golden other than Ax, I've seen that could jump like that.


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## SandyK

Those pictures are great. Looks like you have really found a breeder to match what you are looking for!!!:smile2: I am sure Axl would love for you to find another active friend to hang out with!!


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## alphadude

Ax is home, and reunited with his favorite things...


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## SandyK

Glad he is now home with you. I know it must have been another heartbreaking day. Beautiful tribute with all the things he loved!!


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## laprincessa

I've been told by several people that when they get their dog home, it helps a lot, brings a sense of peace and completion. May it be so for you.


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## brianne

I haven't been on for a while but when I caught up with your thread, I was glad to see that you are moving forward and exploring getting another high energy friend. Axl would be pleased and I'm sure will have his paw in guiding you to just the right new friend. And I bet Angus will be a good big brother, too. 

Glad Ax is home where he belongs. :--heart:


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## KKaren

I'm glad that Axl is home with you now, and the collection of his favorite things is a beautiful arrangement. Oh Axl, you are so very special... 

It's good you looked at the Border Collies so that you will have comparisons, and I think your heart will know when it's right. I am in agility classes with a few Border Collies and they are smart and fast... and when my girl was in heat the instructor let me use her dog for the class... but somehow, there is just nothing like a golden.


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## NewfieMom

The display of Axl's memorabilia is beautiful. I am sure he is looking down with pride and a big smile.

Hugs,
Deb


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## alphadude

KKaren said:


> I'm glad that Axl is home with you now, and the collection of his favorite things is a beautiful arrangement. Oh Axl, you are so very special...
> 
> It's good you looked at the Border Collies so that you will have comparisons, and I think your heart will know when it's right. I am in agility classes with a few Border Collies and they are smart and fast... and when my girl was in heat the instructor let me use her dog for the class... but somehow, there is just nothing like a golden.


The BC flirtation period is over. Out of the dozen adults I spent more than 2 hours short tossing discs to, there wasn't one among them that was a pimple on Axl's backside when it came to focus, energy, athleticism, stamina, ability to track an airborne object, and most importantly eye mouth coordination. Additionally, their personalities were rather standoffish and they exhibited none of the warmth or friendliness of the GR breed. I was frankly, rather unimpressed with the breed as compared to goldens. Perhaps a crossbreed of GR and BC which I have heard referred to as 'Golden Border Retrievers' might be more along the lines of what I am seeking, but for now, that's a non starter.

I have decided to take my chances with a field bred golden from high octane parents and hope to catch lightening in a bottle for a second time. There's just no substitute for a golden...


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## alphadude

NewfieMom said:


> The display of Axl's memorabilia is beautiful. I am sure he is looking down with pride and a big smile.
> 
> Hugs,
> Deb


Thanks Deb. 

I've had his ashes for a few weeks now and I left them sitting in a spare room until I felt ready to do this. In a way that felt somehow disrespectful to Ax, and that 'he' deserved to be back where he always was, with me but I think it actually makes me sadder than I already was. It's a constant reminder of what I have lost - forever. 

I know I'll never watch that extraordinary dog go tearing down a beach and catch one of those discs thrown a ridiculously long distance, effortlessly and with such exuberance and skill, turn around and trot back to me smiling with the disc in his mouth, his tail held high and wagging back and forth with a sparkle in his intelligent, expressive eyes as if to say 'is that all you've got pal?' 

He'll never again lean in against my leg, and watch the sun sink slowly below the horizon turning it magnificent colors.


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## jennretz

Your bond with Ax was amazing. He was a very special Golden.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## alphadude

jennretz said:


> Your bond with Ax was amazing. He was a very special Golden.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


My bond with Axl was extraordinary, just like he was. I sincerely doubt that I'll ever be able to (or even be inclined) to have a bond with any other dog like I had with Ax. 

Unfortunately, no such bond exists between Puffy and I despite my best efforts, especially since Ax's passing. He seems to be more bonded with my wife.


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## murphy1

You will never have another Ax but you most definitely will have another great dog. Just be sure not to always compare your next dog to Ax or you will never be happy. Just as all of us that have children know, they are all wonderful but all different in their own ways. The next special dog for you is out there, you'll see.


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