# Hole in my Heart



## merlinsmom (Sep 16, 2006)

I am new to this forum but I needed to hear some thoughts from people who have lived through what I am. My best friend died on Wednesday night Sept. 13th @ 9:45pm. It was sudden. He was fine in the am and then by dinner time he wouldnt eat. I checked his gums and they were white and I knew it wasnt good. He did mange to get up and go out to the car so we could go to the vet. In the 15 minute car ride there we ended up having to carry him in.
He was all but 9.5 years old. He died within the next 10 minutes in my arms. I promised him long ago that I wouldnt let him die alone and he didnt.
I just cant stand being in my house and my cats are mourning. I just cant believe it. The vet said he thinks it was either a tumor that burst or heart failure. Now he is in a better place waiting for us to meet again.
See you again some day dear boy. 
http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b4d723b3127cce9927df2b5a2400000016108BZOXLNs4bC


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## RickGibbs (Dec 16, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss....


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## Kindell (Feb 7, 2006)

I am so sorry... I know how difficult it is to lose our best friends. I ALWAYS found comfort in reading this...

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. 

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. 

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. 

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. 

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... 

Author unknown.

Thinking of you and hoping you can find comfort in your memories.


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## LaurJen (Aug 10, 2006)

That is so sad! He was a beauty. I'm glad you were with him at the end.


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## sashac (Mar 13, 2006)

Oh no - I am so sorry to hear that. What a rough thing to go through, especially when it was so unexpected. My thoughts are with you - you will get through it.


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## Brandy's Mom (Oct 5, 2005)

Merlinsmom: our Reyna died almost exactly the same way in January 2005. She was 7 and it was just as sudden. Our vet also speculated that a tumor burst. 

My heart goes out to you, and I know you will grieve for Merlin for a very long time. 

I hope that you stick around this forum. We'd love to hear Merlin's story when you're ready. Please reminisce with us so we can also know just how wonderful he was. 

I firmly believe that the best way to honor his memory is to give another golden a loving home when the time is right. 

We couldn't stand having a house without a golden, and within one year we had purchased a puppy and rescued an older golden. 

They can never fill the hole left in our hearts by Reyna, but they have created more space in our hearts for them. 

Bless you in this time of deep sorrow.


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## Katiesmommy (Sep 10, 2006)

I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts will be with your family. Big hugs to you.


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## vrocco1 (Feb 25, 2006)

I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts!


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## PeggyK (Apr 16, 2005)

I am so very sorry for you. I know it must feel like you will never get over this loss. The fact that it happened so fast must make it even harder to bear. I am so glad that you were with Merlin when he passed. You must have been such a comfort to him-know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


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## goldenstaples (Apr 3, 2006)

I lost a best friend about 9 mths ago, he was still acting like a puppy, did not even have white hair on him, people guessed him as three years old, but he was almost 10yrs. old He got sick , he was coughing breathing a little harder than usual so I took him right to the vet and they said he had congestive heart and nothing could have prevented it and his heart was enlarged where nothing could be done he died that day, they said it had probably been coming on for a few months but dogs have a way of just getting past it and do not show signs usually until they are well into it. My kids had both left home but losing that dog was it!! I have never had such an empty feeling as when I walked out with his collar and leash and not him. The last thing I said to him was what a good boy he was!!I could not stand walking in the front door, and him not being there. I was ready for his greeting first thing in the morning, he was so much a part of my life that every corner I turned I expected him to be there, I could almost hear him and see him. My husband and I cried and cried and finally decided like the others say, we have got to have a Golden , she did not replace him but sure has helped feel the void! She has her own personality that I love. There will never be another Gambit my kids and us still reflect and laugh at all the memories we had with him! I am thankful I had lots of pictures and I made a memory book with his pictures, put his registration and so on in it. I hurt for you because I know how deep that hurt is,my vet that I have now, says mourning for such a pet , has been said by psychologists, just as deep as a family member!! If you would like to email me personally please feel free to do so!


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## Joe (Apr 9, 2005)

I read this topic and I just started to feel so sorry for all you guys who lost your dogs..., plus 'stupidly' I've got taken by the thought of our Kia or Lila being gone one day and I screwed up my whole evening...
I promised myself long time ago, not to read this type of posts... I know they're also part of our forum, but I am taking it really hard...
I read about your Golden and I feel like I lost one of ours...


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## MarleyLove (Sep 2, 2006)

I'm so, so sorry. He is beautiful and looks like a really sweet soul. I agree with Brandy. When the time is right I hope you will rescue a golden who didn't have as good of a life as yours and give him/her one, or adopt a puppy. Hugs to you during your hard time.


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## RickGibbs (Dec 16, 2005)

Joe said:


> I read this topic and I just started to feel so sorry for all you guys who lost your dogs..., plus 'stupidly' I've got taken by the thought of our Kia or Lila being gone one day and I screwed up my whole evening...
> I promised myself long time ago, not to read this type of posts... I know they're also part of our forum, but I am taking it really hard...
> I read about your Golden and I feel like I lost one of ours...


I agree Joe.....it's very hard to read. I, too, put myself in their shoes, and knowing how I would feel.....just makes me feel that much worse for them... 

I think, because we all know how important our own dogs are to us, it's easy for us to understand and share the pain others feel in their loss.


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## Lucky's mom (Nov 4, 2005)

I have friends waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge. I know we'll meet one day. I know its so hard to deal with this, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. When the time is right tell us about him.


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## FranH (May 8, 2005)

I'm so sorry......just went thru losing our dear Jenny this past February. Time will help. I know that doesn't help right now. 

Our other dog Holly went into deep depression after losing Jenny.....we only went two weeks without a second golden. We call ourselves "perpetual golden owners"

It's so wierd......5 years ago we had a 15 yr old golden and a 10 year old golden......two old girls

Now we have a almost 4 yr old and an 8 month old. The cycle continues...

Your golden was beautiful. It's so hard to think about another dog. Hopefully when the time comes, you will open your arms to another ball of golden fur.


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## Baileysmom (Aug 5, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it is so very hard, but it does get better with time. I lost my first golden, Angel Boomer, on July 10th of this year to alimentary lymphoma. He was only 8 1/2. We tried to fight it with chemo, but he just kept slipping away. I still cry sometimes, but I know he is at the Rainbow Bridge with Merlin waiting for us. I feel that his pain was taken away, but I carry part of it in my heart. 

You were a wonderful mommy and he had a great life with you, however cut short. I, like others , felt that the best way to honor Boomer was to invite another golden into our house. We have had Bailey for almost 7 weeks and he does not replace Boomer but helps us to remember the good times and brought back laughter.


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## greg bell (May 24, 2005)

I lost my Casey in May.... it is tough.. 
the fact that you miss him so makes him a very lucky dog indeed... all dogs deserve to have an owner that thinks they are the greatest dog in the world..


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## RickGibbs (Dec 16, 2005)

greg bell said:


> all dogs deserve to have an owner that thinks they are the greatest dog in the world..


Very well put, Greg......


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## mainegirl (May 2, 2005)

I know the hurt..... Just 4 weeks ago my beloved 14.5 year old golden was hit by a car and died. Up til that moment she was still running around and stealing food from your hand. We had gotten a golden puppy for my daughter Christmas 2 years ago and he was so lonely after sandy died. I missed her head resting on my knee while i did school work at the kitchen table.. I promised myself that I would honor her and wait a while until I got another golden........................ but I made the mistake (as usual) of looking on petfinder now we have a 2 year old and a 4 month old. It was such a freak accident that took sandy and such a freakish set of circumstances ("wish me luck" thread) that brought angel to us. i really think she was guided to us by sandy.
the pain does lessen slightly, but the hole will stay there. and so often the pain will come back full force. just know that the pain is because of the intensity of the love you had for your golden and vice versa. i thnk it's the brown eyes that show their soul, that gets to my heart.

pm me if you need.

beth, moose, angel and sandy at the bridge.


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## RickGibbs (Dec 16, 2005)

mainegirl said:


> I promised myself that I would honor her and wait a while until I got another golden..


I don't think you showed any dishonor by not waiting. I think you are honoring her, showing that you have that love to share......


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## Hudson (May 18, 2005)

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful Merlin, I know how much it hurts...and that he will live in your heart for ever.


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## kowey (Feb 28, 2006)

*Sorry*

I am sorry for the loss of your best friend. And sad! Alas, we recognize the pain you must feel. And we know that we will feel it again....
I think your friend didn't suffer: life just flowed out of him. And he was in the company of someone who loved and cared. I hope this will help you.


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## Don9337 (Jun 29, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to come home and not have your best friend there to greet you. We lost are Maggie in June and she was one day short of her 14th birthday. The grief was unbearable, but as the days have gone by it has gotten better. We now have a new addition to the family, his name is Tucker and though he has not replaced our Maggie he is growing on us evey day. I pray you too will get better as the days go on. We will never forget our beloved Maggie and I'm sure you will not either.

God Bless


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## murphy's mom (Sep 18, 2006)

I feel your pain. We put Murphy (11 1/2) to sleep Friday night. He wasn't acting right. My neighbors, who are vets, came over to look at him; his gums were pale, and they did a belly tap, and he was bleeding into his abdomen. We took him to the Emergency vet, where they x-rayed him and found a hemangiosarcoma of the spleen, spread to his lungs. He was literally here one minute and gone the next. We took him home, and my neighbors the vets put him down.

I know what you are going through. Every sound I hear, I think is him...I forget. I forget I can leave food out and it won't be eaten. You'll probably agree that the worst times are morning, and anytime you walk in the door. I am very sorry for your loss.


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## Brandy's Mom (Oct 5, 2005)

I joined these forums because I needed to find help coping with Reyna's sudden death. Now the two of you are going through this same exact thing and my heart goes out to you both.


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## murphy's mom (Sep 18, 2006)

Thank you Brandy'sMom. It was just so sudden and unexpected. I am having a really hard time. He is everywhere. I don't even want to vacuum his hair.


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## AuntCare (Aug 14, 2006)

I am so sorry to hear about Merlin. I lost my Dexy two and a half years ago to Hemangiosarcoma and I still miss him every day. 

From the symptoms you described, if it was a tumor it was likely Hemangiosarcoma. I believe Hemangio takes at least one out of every five Goldens, but the number is probably much higher since many dogs never get a positive diagnosis, but suffer a rupture of the tumor and head to the bridge within hours.

The Golden Retriever Foundation is funding research to help conquer this terrible killer. Their website is www.goldenretrieverfoundation.org.

Carolyn


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## PeggyK (Apr 16, 2005)

murphy's mom said:


> Thank you Brandy'sMom. It was just so sudden and unexpected. I am having a really hard time. He is everywhere. I don't even want to vacuum his hair.


I think you are so right-I never wanted to get rid of anything. And there is ALWAYS such an emptiness in the house-even if there are others pets. There's such a void, in our hearts, and in our homes.


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

Dearest Merlinsmom:

I, like so many others, have lived through your loss-Ken and I had to make the decision so far to put four of our beloved animals to sleep over the years we have been together. We always promised them we wouldn't let them suffer and we kept our promise.

Ken and I are the type that said WE WOULD NOT BE WITHOUT A DOG-EVEN FOR ONE day-AND WE WEREN'T. We adopted immediately! 

No, they don't replace one another, but they are ALL LOVABLE and in my opinion it would be a sin to waste that kind of capacity to love if you have that to give! yOU HAVE IT to give, too.

Karen, Smooch and Snobear..


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## merlinsmom (Sep 16, 2006)

Thanks to ALL of you!! This has been one of the most difficult times.
I picked up his ashes yesterday and my 5 year old had a break down this morning. I dont know what to say or do for him other than let him cry.
I hope to be able to handle a pup someday soon. I know it wont replace him, but my house is so empty. I still have his toys out but I had to clean up the hair because it was just making it too hard. I think about him constantly.
Thanks everyone again for caring and helping me cope.
Jamie


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## LaurJen (Aug 10, 2006)

murphy's mom said:


> Thank you Brandy'sMom. It was just so sudden and unexpected. I am having a really hard time. He is everywhere. I don't even want to vacuum his hair.


Oh this made me cry. We lost our first dog last Easter and I felt the same way about vacuuming. Everything--even putting away her dog bowls--made me sob, because it was like we were eliminating every trace of her ever being here. The worst was when I dropped the kids off at school and no one was here waiting for me to come home. It struck me that, d*mn, I didn't even need to come home at all if I didn't want to. It took months before we could even think of getting another dog, but we did, and he's a joy. He's not a replacement for our first dog, but a celebration of what she brought to our lives, and what we wanted to have again.

((hugs))


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## mainegirl (May 2, 2005)

Believe me when I say that I know some of what you are going through. I piked up sandy's ashes the day before we were going to maine for vacation. she always loved going to maine because she would swim up n maine. i carried her ashes to maine (was planning on spreading them in the water she loved to swim in) but could not say goodbye to her yet. they are still with me (i decided there is nothiong wrong with waiting until next year). my 14 year old breaks down at night (my mother also died this summer.... a week before my golden was killed by a car). she wakes up in the middle of the night sbbing hysterically. I was going to wait a while to get another golden but my 2 year old golden was so lonely (and frankly so was I) that we got a 4 month old puppy that was surrendered to the spca. she has not replaced sandy, but she has added to our household. 

I decided after all the loses this summer that we needed some joy and that is what Angel, our new female puppy has added. She is so stubborn and spunky. We have been able to laugh (it's been 2 months and i still miss sandy's quiet presence, but i feel she sent angel to keep us company.)

please.... just hug your 5 year old and understand that they are learning a good and difficult lesson....... loving something or someone is terrific but the loss is great as well. 
your child will have to understand as well, that you don't replace the emptiness created by the loss of your friend, but you can give your love to another puppy or adult golden.
sometimes it's about giving the love, not receiving the love.

beth, moose, angel
and sandy aat the bridge


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## davebeech (Feb 11, 2006)

mainegirl said:


> I piked up sandy's ashes the day before we were going to maine for vacation. she always loved going to maine because she would swim up n maine. i carried her ashes to maine (was planning on spreading them in the water she loved to swim in) but could not say goodbye to her yet.


When I picked up Fred's ashes, that was a dreadful day, I knew exactly what I was going to do so I didn't mess about, I'd already bought a big plant pot and a shrub so when I got home I placed about half of Fred's ashes in the plant pot and the rest I scattered in all his favourite places where we used to walk, I know if I hadn't done it straight away he'd probably still be in the cask, now I have his collars,tags and all his bits n bobs in there.


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## Oralia Schatzman (Jun 12, 2006)

To Merlins Mom and all of you who have lost your best friends, words are weak but know that my heart is heavy with your grief. I can't imagine life without my Bentley and hope to God that I can hold him and guide him into the next place when it's time.


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## davebeech (Feb 11, 2006)

Oralia Schatzman said:


> I can't imagine life without my Bentley and hope to God that I can hold him and guide him into the next place when it's time.


I had the vet come out to Fred, just like I'd always said I would, I was able to hold on to him while he passed away and as gut wrenching as it was I wouldn't have had it any other way.


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## AtticusJordie (Aug 15, 2006)

Our prayers are with you MerlinsMom. Your grief is almost palpable--but your love for Merlin is even stronger. All of the condolences that I've read--all of the tragedies you've all suffered have shown me just how truely and deeply loved you're 'furrkids' have been. 

When the time comes to join our kids at the Rainbow Bridge, I'm sure that all of them will be (im-)patiently (but not necessarily quietly...) waiting by the gate!

We'll keep you in our thoughts!

Scott J.


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