# I have Never Told.....



## 3 goldens (Sep 30, 2005)

I have never told this to anyone, including any member of my family. But for somereason, after reading some of the stories today, including the post about when to let your dog go, I am compeled to tell you all.

Some of you know the entire story of my Hunter, my goldn in the Avatar, some know part of it, some know none of it. Hunter was my soul mate of dogs. i loved him no more than i loved his littermate sister, KayCee, or our older red golden, Buck, or our adopted golden mix girl Honey. But there was a bond between us that everyone saw and commented on.

On the morning of Oct. 9, 2003 I was checking teeth for dentals and noticed Hunter's gums were very pale. Called and made an appointment for later that morning--11:20 to be exact. Also short time later he peed just off the patio where is sister had just gone and i saw his urine was the color or rusty water. 

Turns out he had a low fever and he lad lost 9 pounds in the 5 weeks since his last visit to the vet--for his proheart6 6 month heart worm preventative injection. Diagnosis--autoimmune hemolytic anemia and test confirmed it. He was put in ICU which is in the work area so always techs, vets, etc around.

I didn't know how to use the comuter, but went to little local library, they showed me and my heart sank as i researched AIHA. fifty percent of dogs die within a week of diagnosis, another thirty percent within a month. Is no cure, just remission. Remission can last for weeks, months and in some cases for years. i learned all about the disease, complications. My vet had had a case the year before--use to see one case every year to year and half and now is seeing several a year and he feels a lot of is due to over vaccinations---and the dog went into remission (Snoopy is still alive today, 5 years later) So oi had hope.

I visited Hunter 3 times a day, could take him outside (hooked to IV bag) to do business and stretche. The fronts of both front legs were shaved so the iv could be changed from leg to leg every day. His throat was shaved so they could draw blood twice a day. His HCT should be around 50 or more, but it never got out of the teens. At one point no platelettes could be seen. His spleen was killing his red cells faster than it could get rid of them so his tummy was bloated. 

I took him fresh boiled chicken each time i went and he ate it with great joy. Everyone there loved him. The techs said he never howled, never whined, never tried to get the iV out, never refused to go back in the large ICU unit after having blood drawn or being taken outside, never refused or gave them a hard time when they gave him meds...he was on very high dosage of pred, tagament, somthing to prevent blood clots, and i don't know what all else. The antibiotic and viatmin B was given thru the iv. He would just lay or sit in the cage and watch them. One day i was visiting and an off duty tech came just to check on him. At the time my vet had two other vets working part time there, and one day i was there with Hunter and Dr. T called to check on him. The receptionists would go back to pet him and talk to him, even the groomer would go back and i had never had him groomed. This tells you the kind of dog my precious hunter was.

He was put in ICU on Thursday Oct. 9. They are not open on Sunday, but my vet arranged for me to come at med & feeding times so I could be with him. This was Sunday Oc.t 12. i went at 8:00 and was going back at 5:30 that afternoon. But my vet called me in the afternoon and said he was going to operate and removed Hunter's spleen and i could come on down and they would let me in. As i walked into the back Rickey called out they were doing ultrasound, not to talk--and like a dummy i said "Okay", Hunter made a noise and Rickey said "You spoke." When they brought hunter out of the room and he saw me his tail was just a wagging. My vet had been called in to do eye surgey on a dog--eyeball popped out by another dog--and he had done an early blood work on hunter and found his HCT was 9.7 and they had given him 2 units of blood. 

He sadi he had changed his mind abut removing the spleen. X-rays and ultrasound indicated cancer of the liver, and with his count so low it would be to dangerous to operate. The next day Dr. T and Dr. P also did untrasound--at no charge to me--and agreed he had cancer of liver.

By Wednesday knew we were going to have to move on to stronger drugs, cyclosporine which is used in chemo and also used for organ transplant patients. he had enough on hand for one treatment that night, but ordered more thru the pharmacy in next town. They were to call me and I was to pick it up the next. Waiting for their call i didn't go visit hunter at 9:00 like usual. The meds came at noon, I picked them up and went right to the hospital.

My heart sank when i saw my Hunter and for the first time he refused chicken. I had gotten use to the shaved, bloaed tummy, shaved legs and throat, but I nad not noticed before that his head had become pointed due to losing weight, his tongue was orange, his eyes appeared sunk. it was noted on his chart that he had been throwing up, but we had expected that.

When i went back late that after noon I could almost believe that golden boy in that cage was not my Hunter. His head was bobbing up and down, he couldn't seem to focus as his eyes were twitching, every movement was herky jerky. I opened the door and sat in the doorway of the cage hugging and kissing him, brushing him, telling him what a beautiful boy he was, how specail he was, what a good boy he was. He got his head to my chest and that seemed to steady him some. When I knew voice was going to break I shut up and just held him His HCT had dropped very low and he had had another 2 units of blood a couple of hours before i got there.

Just before Rickey got called out on a house call--horse-- he told me he would "cut Hunter loose (remove IV) and I could bring him home if I wanted to. I said no, there was no way i could carry him to get him in and outside, etc . They close at 7:00, but the 2 receptionist told me they would stay a little longer. Three times i got to the front to leave, but had to go back and tell Hunter "once more" how much i loved him. The last time I saw him he was sitting in that cage with his head bobbing trying to focus on my face, muscles and eyes twitching. I left at 7:15. At 9:02 I got the call from my vet. Hunter had gone into seizures and died at 8:40. We agreed on necropsy. Needed to know about that cancer. Only the report came back NO CANCER, but drug induced necrosis of the liver. And according to the FDA the leading caused of PH6 related deaths was AIHa, liver damage, and gastric damage. Some dogs had more than one, like my Hunter.

Okay, i have never told anyone that I could have brought my Hunter home and could have been with him when he died. instead, a tech and my vet was with him. I never told anyone that i had decided that if he was still in the same condition the next morning I was going to let him go, not let him be like that. But i think i knew in my heart he would not be here that next morning. Most of the guilt i felt was for switching him from the monthly pill to that injection of proHeart6 which was pulled 10 months after his death because of so many reactions and deaths But i was also guilt ridden that he could have died in my arms but i was so scared I couldn't help him around and I left him there to die with Weldon and Rickey instead of with me. I miss that most precious boy so much and as my vet told my hubby last summe--3 years after hunter's death 'Sandra is never going to get over losing Hunter."


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## Gwen (Aug 9, 2007)

We can never go back and change the past, the "what ifs", the "maybes" and we can't let it rule our lives. You do know that Hunter knows the reasons why and doesn't harbour any hard feelings. 

My heart goes out to you & a big (((((hug)))))) Hunter sounds like a wonderful boy & YOU sound like a WONDERFUL Mom!


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## HovawartMom (Aug 10, 2006)

I'm so sorry to hear this and i don't think I have any words to make you feel better!.
You did yr best and noone knew about the effect of the medication until it was removed!.You're a great Mom and I wish I could give you a hug!.Laurie


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## C&B's Grizzly (Nov 20, 2007)

Oh my goodness.... I don't even know what to say except that I am in tears for you right now. Words cannot express how sorry I am for you. I understand the guilt and the pain of it all. I also understand the bond. Tank was my soulmate of dogs also and I can't get over how great he was. Nothing will ever replace the emptiness that I feel for that dog but I wouldn't trade one single second for all the time I had with him. 

Again, I'm sorry about your precious boy...


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## lovealways_jami (Apr 17, 2007)

Okay Im at work BAWLING 
Do not feel guilty!! He's looking down at you right now, and he knows EVERY reason you did what you did!! He knows the love you STILL have for him, and knows every time you think about him!! So SMILE for him mom, thats what he wants you to do!!


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## AmbikaGR (Dec 31, 2007)

There is no need to beat yourself up. You were in a state of shock I am sure and EVERYONE deals with this differently. I know proplr who have had dogs for decades and they just can't bring themselves to be there at the end, it does not mean they loved their dogs any less than the next person. Trust me Hunter is playing and waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge and when it is time for you to join him he will greet you with slobbers and hugs galore.


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## Penny'smom (Mar 3, 2007)

I know how you feel. I had the choice to be with my Rocket and I said no. I'd been told it wasn't pretty. There would be some muscle spasms after death and that was upsetting to most people.

So I had to leave him at Michigan State U, turn my back on him and walk away. My last memory of him was seeing him looking over his stall wall at a pretty filly that was being brought in. I'm not sure I should have stayed. It's just so awful to lose a wonderful companion like that so young.

I understand completely.


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## Goldie4Paws (Jan 9, 2008)

3 goldens said:


> I have never told this to anyone, including any member of my family. But for somereason, after reading some of the stories today, including the post about when to let your dog go, I am compeled to tell you all.
> 
> Some of you know the entire story of my Hunter, my goldn in the Avatar, some know part of it, some know none of it. Hunter was my soul mate of dogs. i loved him no more than i loved his littermate sister, KayCee, or our older red golden, Buck, or our adopted golden mix girl Honey. But there was a bond between us that everyone saw and commented on.
> 
> ...


Sandra,
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about!!! I am SO sorry that you've carried that burden all this time. It just breaks my heart. You did SO much more for Hunter than most people would ever do for their dogs, including me! He would NOT want you to torture yourself with guilt. Please...i beg you to let that go!


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## Penny & Maggie's Mom (Oct 4, 2007)

Sandra, 
My heart is breaking for you.... again. Hunter was such a lucky guy to have you and I firmly believe that there is a reason that you were not together when he left this world. Perhaps it was just too much for his body to handle going home again OR perhaps he was looking after you and trying to spare you the pain. I know that when my Mom was in the hospital dying, my sister and I were on either side of the bed for 2+ days......... we didn't eat and rarely even went to the bathroom. However, the nurses finally brought us both a sandwich, which we ate while sitting there, still holding her hands. After we ate, I had to get up for a paper towel ( messy me... spilled catsup on my blouse ) and my sister had to go to the bathroom. It was at that instant that I had my back turned that she took her last breath and snuck away. Carol ( my sister) said, isn't that just like Mom.... she did her best to take care of us right til the end. I think Hunter was doing the same for you. Please don't ever think you did anything less than the best for him.. he knew how much you loved him.. that's what soul mates are all about.
Hugs, Betty


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## Old Gold Mum2001 (Feb 25, 2007)

((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) So sorry you all had to go thru that 

You did everything you possibly could and more. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you were only thinking of him, and he knows that. I call that a very unselfish, and very loving thing you did!

RIP dear sweet handsome Hunter


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## 4rdogs (Dec 22, 2007)

You did your very best for Hunter
He will be waiting at the bridge with wet kisses,woobie,a ball & all the love he can give.
Hugs,
Karen


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## Farley Rocks! (Nov 15, 2007)

I to am in tears at work. I know about the guilt. But there is a time when being with your dog at the end is worse then letting them go on their own. When I put my Ella down I tried to be strong for her...so that she would not be afraid...but I failed miserably. I choked on tears while I told her what a pretty girl she was and how she was such a good dog. She knew something was wrong and while she left this world in my arms - I do think she would have more at peace with someone who would have been stronger, calmer. A lot of times people need to be with their dogs for themselves and not for their dog. While you will never get over the loss of Hunter, forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong.


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## Augie's Mom (Sep 28, 2007)

Please don't beat yourself up with guilt. You were going through a very terrible and tragic time and you did your very best for Hunter, and he knew that. Looking back there are always should havea and could haves, but we can only do our very best at that specific moment. You gave your boy a wonderful life and he was so very dearly loved. Hunter would not want you to feel such pain. Please forgive yourself though there isn't anything to forgive. You were a great mommy to Hunter!
A <<<<<BIG HUG>>>> to you from Augie and I.


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## GoldenJoyx'stwo (Feb 25, 2007)

3G's, I said my good-byes to Sparky in the front seat of my husband's car. I thought my husband would stay with Sparky, but he didn't. I thought he was stronger than I, but he wasn't. Sparky was my best friend and companion for 17 years. She was older than my youngest son when she passed. I think about her all the time and wished I had been with her as she passed over. 

The only thing that brings me Peace is to know that her Vet, her Vet of 17 years who I had a great rapport with and loved her, was with her. I know he was good to her. I feel guilty all the time for not being there. 

After supporting a friend when her cat had to be put down, I know the next time I WILL be there. I told my Vet that I want to know the very moment when he thinks the time is right and that I WILL be there...

The lessons our companions teach us are imprinted on our hearts. Sparky taught me many lessons.


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## Emmysourgolden (Oct 10, 2007)

You were such a good mom/friend to Hunter I pray you don't beat yourself up for not being there at his time of death. You didn't know about the medication. Like others have said it's very possible this is the way he would have wanted it. You gave him so much love and care, we're all so proud of you. To be able to hear the love in your written word even now it's overwhelming. You did nothing but the best for Hunter and he loves you. Big (((((Hugs)))) to you!!


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## Augie's Mom (Sep 28, 2007)

Not everyone can be with their beloved pets at the end for whatever the reason. No one should ever feel guilt about that. What is most important is the lifetime of love, care and companionship you shared. Not being able to be there at the end does not diminish a lifetime of love.


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## gold'nchocolate (May 31, 2005)

Sometimes guilt can grow and grow if we keep it inside of us like a secret. It's good to get something that is making you feel bad about yourself, out in the open. It's part of the healing process. Boy, your story brought back a few memories of Sasha's last days spent in the ICU. I also would open her door and sit in the 'cell' with her. I wish that I had known ahead of time that she wasn't going to make it thru her illness...if I *had* known then maybe I would have made a decision to have her put to sleep a few days earlier, then she wouldn't have had to go thru surgery for absolutely no reason. We all carry some guilt with us, it's only human. I try not to feel guilty right now when I think to myself that I would rather have my elderly dog, Hershey, pass away in her sleep rather than having to take her to the vet (a place that makes her feel fearful) to have her PTS. {{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

Hunter's story brings me to tears every time. Please don't hold any guilt for not being there with him, he would not want that for you.

Spreading the word about Proheart6 has honored Hunter in the most important way. I know your vet was right, you will never forget losing him, but you have never forgotten loving him either, and you won't.


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## fostermom (Sep 6, 2007)

What a terrible end for both of you! You can't change the past and you can't see into the future. All you can do is the best you can for your pets, and it sounds like you went above and beyond for your Hunter. What a lucky boy he was!


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## Angel_Kody (Feb 27, 2007)

Hunter would never have judged you for the choices you made out of pure love for him. It was not in his capacity to judge. It's a good lesson that we can learn from our goldens. You did everything and more for your sweet boy. Do not feel guilty for one second more. You have continued to honor Hunter by telling his story.


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## sharlin (Feb 26, 2007)

Hunter knew no such things animosity or guilt. He lived (and still lives) only in the moment, and you and your love is what he knew. He KNEW he was loved, he KNEW you were his packmate, he KNEW that he would see you again at Rainbow Bridge. Don't ever feel guilt for loving him as much as you do - just remember that he sits on your shoulder watching out over you every day and rejoice in the knowledge he is there with you.


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## BeauShel (May 20, 2007)

Please dont eat yourself up with guilt. Hunter knew how much you loved him and wanted the best for him. You are honoring the love you to shared by doing everything you could to stop the production of that shot. We can only go on the information that the drug companies give us. He is now in a better place running and playing with all of our pups at the bridge until you can be together again. He would not want you to feel guilt.


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## Hudson (May 18, 2005)

So very sorry for your pain and heartache over Hunter. Hunter knew you were a loving owner with every thing you did for him,was out of love and concern for him. You can not keep wondering about the what if's - I know that is easy to say but hard to action. Hunter was very loved, that is the most important thing to remember is the life he had with you was more that some dogs ever could wish for.
I had to chose whether my beloved Jessie lived or died on the operating table, and never really got to say good bye. My vet rang from the operating theatre and said his cancer had spread and it was inoperable, I chose to not let him suffer, in my heart I knew , I was accomodating him and making him comfortable with small feeds often ) this was the second time he had the cancer and it gave him 10 more months, otherwise he would vomit ).In the weeks leading up to this both Jessie and I knew ... his time was up....he took me on a walk that we once did, and I told him every day how special and loved he was.
Please release and forgive yourself from the guilt and pain, Hunter is at peace and would want you to remember the love and companionship you both shared.


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## goldensmum (Oct 23, 2007)

I cannot say anything that is going to ease your pain or grief - but i can send you some hugs.


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## Luvinmygoldens (Jul 16, 2007)

I'm so sorry about everything you went through with Hunter. Never feel guilty about the heartworm injection. You were trying to protect him from contracting a terrible disease. My own two recieved the very same injection before it was pulled. So many people who love their pets dearly trusted that it was safe and allowed their pets to recieve it. Don't blame yourself for allowing him to recieve the injection you thought was protecting him. 

As for not being there when he passed, that is such a personal thing and there are no set "right" or "wrong" ways to handle it. What is right for one pet owner may not be right for another. What you gave him in life is what matters most. I was there when my Jake passed, I had promised him beforehand that I would be. I did it for him but it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I loved him to the very core of my soul and I never wanted to witness his last breath happen because I knew my heart would shatter, but I did it anyway. In that situation, it was right for us. But I haven't been there for the passing of all my pets I've lost. We had one little Maltese/Lhasa Apso that we adopted when he was one year old. He lived until he was 17. He was our first "baby". I loved him so much. He got very sick very quickly and we knew he needed to be let go to ease his pain. I couldn't go. I made my hubby take him and I stayed home. I couldn't bear it. In that situation, I felt the right thing to do was say my goodbye's to him at home. You were a wonderful, loving mom to Hunter and he knows it now while he waits at the bridge, and he knew it then during his last moments here.


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## MelissaH (Jul 27, 2007)

I know what you are feeling. When Katie died I carried around guilt as though it were another part of me. I realize intellectually that I should not do this, but emotionally it is just so difficult to reconcile. While my guilt is not as intense, it still comes to the surface once-in-a-while. It will take time, but you must realize that you did nothing wrong. Guilt eats you up. You must find a way to make peace with what has happened. Your boy would not want you to feel this way. Be kind to yourself, be loving to yourself, and let the guilt go. ((((((hugs))))) to you.


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## GoldenDaisy (Jul 16, 2007)

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please don't feel guilty for not taking Hunter home, you did everything possible for him. I remember feeling that during the time Daisy was sick with the cancer and when the time came to let her go like I was in a daze all of the time. We all go through the woulda coulda shoulda. I think so many times of things I wish I had done for her with her just before she died, I know I did everything for her, showered her with love but there always seems to be something more you wished you did. We do all we can at the time and it sounds like you were an exceptional mom to Hunter, it sounds like he was showered with love. Take care.


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## mojosmum (May 20, 2005)

Oh Sandra - I wish I could be there to cry with you. And to give each other hugs.

God had a special plan for Hunter Sandra, and that is obvious to all who love you and listen to what you have to say. Hunter's legacy is *YOU* spreading the word about PROHeart 6 and saving countless lives through knowledge and information. In your grief and anger you reached out to others so they wouldn't have to go through what you did with your sweet boy. You learned how to use a computer, you read up on ProHeart 6, you armed yourself with information so you could go out there and tell the world about your brave and beautiful Hunter. And you will never know how many dogs you have spared because their owners listened to your story and refused to use that product. 

Oh sweetie..... your Hunter is looking down on you each and every day with pride in his eyes for a Mom that's as special as he was. And he's waiting patiently for the time when you can be reunited so he can tell you himself. He loved his Momma with all his heart because He was loved so very much by his Mom.

God Bless you for still spreading the word and keeping so many animals safe.

Rest your mind and soul Sandra. You were and ARE an awesome "Mom". 

RIP Sweet Angel Hunter,
Til you meet your Mom again


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## Griffyn'sMom (Mar 22, 2007)

Oh Sandra - I'm crying here reading your story but I'm glad you let it out. I really think moving Hunter anywhere at that point would have been horribly uncomfortable - even painful for him. They know our hearts and he knew you kept coming back to say goodbye.

You honor him by telling his story so that others won't have to go through what he did - and what you did. 

I hope that you will now have peace in your heart.


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## maggie1951 (Apr 20, 2007)

3 goldens said:


> I have never told this to anyone, including any member of my family. But for somereason, after reading some of the stories today, including the post about when to let your dog go, I am compeled to tell you all.
> 
> Some of you know the entire story of my Hunter, my goldn in the Avatar, some know part of it, some know none of it. Hunter was my soul mate of dogs. i loved him no more than i loved his littermate sister, KayCee, or our older red golden, Buck, or our adopted golden mix girl Honey. But there was a bond between us that everyone saw and commented on.
> 
> ...


I do feel for you as i wanted to be with my Sadie but i did not think she was not coming home as it was so sudden and there was a bit of hope and she died also in the vet hospital it was all very sudden.
And my husband knows i will never get over Sadie or Meg as they were also my sole mates and best friends i loved them both very much.
We all have very special dogs in our life and they were the dogs.
I love Daisy and Charlie very much but it not the same.
Meg was 1 year ago on the 29th December and Sadie will be 6 months on the 26th of January i lost them

Maggie


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## texas golden's mom (Jan 8, 2008)

Bless you! You saved Hunter the pain of transporting him home, and he died knowing you loved him with all of your heart. I'll bet he waited until you were gone just to spare you the pain.


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