# My 4 year old pup is dying...



## Kyle (Dec 19, 2009)

Sorry for what I'm sure is going to be a long hopefully semi-coherent thread- I just got the devastating news.

I got KC during a very hard time in my life, she means the world to me and has helped me so much. I was on vacation in Mexico earlier this month- I left KC with my brother down in Oregon. She was thrilled to be at her "vacation home" (parents home) w/ their dog and huge yard etc - showed no signs of ill health.

About half way through the vacation, my brother mentioned she was limping some, but didn't know what happened/didn't see any injury. My parents got home and my mom was immediately concerned - there was a large lump on her rear leg. Worse, she stopped eating. My mom took her to the local vet at least a half dozen times- they thought the appetite was due to pain from the leg, however an xray and ultrasound were inconclusive. Multiple antibiotics, anti inflammatory, appetite stimulants, pain medications - nothing was doing anything- she just wouldn't eat. At the last trip to the local vet her BP/pulse was very high, though blood tests and aspirating the lump showed nothing really wrong...xrayed the chest- clear.

At this point KC hadn't eaten much for about a week, and the local vet was not comfortable treating her due to her condition, and she was not stable enough for surgery/biopsy @ her facility. She referred her to a specialty emergency hospital up in Portland- this was a few days ago.

They put her in the ICU, used a feeding tube to feed her and kept her (hopefully) comfortable with more powerful pain meds. CT scan was done on Thanksgiving. I get a call on Thanksgiving that the CT was somewhat inconclusive to the vets eyes (not the specialist who reviews CT's) - she did say the mass was within the muscle and did not look good for retrieving w/ surgery- basically was saying the most likely outcome would be amputation. She also did a biopsy and sent it to the lab. At this point the best guess is a cancer deep in the muscle tissue.

During all this, I'm up in Seattle- due to an unavoidable work engagement I wasn't able to drive down to Oregon until tonight.

I'm initially mortified at the thought of amputating her back leg, but the more I researched, the more I saw how dogs will bounce right back from that- I was optimistic. 

My mom drove up to visit KC tonight and brought some of her favorite treats to see if she would eat - the emergency vet was trying to get her stable enough to send home pending the biopsy results (staying there was $800/night....). I got a call from the vet before she got there - KC was still not eating - any time they started bringing her to from the powerful pain meds, she was clearly uncomfortable, panting, BP sky high, whimpering etc. The vet also said the specialist looked at the CT scan and saw not only the mass, but also other smaller masses which is not typical of the cancer the vet thought it was- said it might be fungal?. But also stated she's going to try phentynol patches to try and get her stable enough to go home.

My mom calls when she's back from the vet- she's in tears. What the vet didn't tell me was one of the other masses was on her other back leg. And that the fungal issue had as bad of an outcome as cancer. And now of course amputation is off the table w/ both back legs effected. My mom went to see KC and she didn't recognize her- her eyes kind of rolled around- of course she couldn't feed her treats etc. Bottom line, she knows that it's time - she's my dog and I need to make the decision. I think the vet was more honest with her than me, knowing I'd be coming down later to talk in person.

I was going to drive down tonight after work but wouldn't be home until after midnight- instead I'm going to meet my mom at the vet tomorrow.

I'm devastated. My next big decision is, if we do decide to put her out of her pain and suffering, do I want to go back and see a shell of my dog- to have her not recognize me- to have my last image of her be hooked up to tubes and so out of it she doesn't even know who I am...just typing that made me break down...My mom doesn't think she can see her again like that. I never saw her sick and in pain- I'm not sure I want to. If there is any chance she's conscious enough to recognize me- if I think it will help her in even the smallest way- I would be there. But from what I've heard- she's just not there right now- she's too far gone and if they stopped the serious pain meds I'd see her in horrible pain- I don't want that... she loves my mom and showed zero recognition of her being there. I don't know what to do...I've never been in this situation.

The biopsy results won't be in until mid next week- at this point though I don't think there's any chance regardless of what it is that it will be treatable. Of course I'm going to ask as many questions as I can tomorrow when I speak with the vet- I keep thinking if there's any chance at all, I need to wait for the biopsy results. But if she has to stay in the facility we're talking about another almost 5K in lodging fees. I hate to bring up the $$, but I'm far from well off and already have I think 3.7k in so far. Again, if there's any hope I don't know how I could not wait, but if the specialist and vets tell me that regardless of the result there would not be an effective treatment....then...sorry rambling, still processing this all.

As I was typing this, just got a call from the vet taking care of her tonight- KC's gums are pail, quick blood draw shows red blood cells @25% vs 45% the last time they ran it - anemic and signs that her body is destroying the cells vs her not producing new ones. She gave some reasons that could happen including cancer, but I'm too numb to remember the list she gave- she's going to do a full blood panel to get more info and call me in a couple hours.

Tomorrow is going to be the hardest day of my life so far - that's a horrible thing to know in advance. I was trying to hold on to hope but after talking with my mom tonight, that hope is just about gone. 

Thanks to anyone that made it through that wall of text- I had to get it out- I didn't know what else to do tonight.

And I know it hasn't all sunk in yet - I can't think about how amazing she is- just can't- too painful. But I don't need to tell you guys- she was a golden. Best dog I've ever been around, so sweet, so in tune w/ me and our schedules- so much just unsaid and understood. I work from home so we spent basically 24hrs together. I would always make her promise me 10 years- doesn't look like we'll even get half of that.

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*edit-

She's gone.

Her red blood cell counts dropped even further, she had fluid in her abdomen and around her heart and lungs- she was having trouble breathing. To keep her alive until I got there would require o2 support, a blood transfusion and some other procedures that I didn't catch. She was suffering. I authorized it over the phone. I still can't really believe what happened.


Thank you all for your kind words- I really posted this just to get it off my chest and didn't expect much response tonight but it really helped reading the responses and condolences. Thank you.


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## laprincessa (Mar 24, 2008)

Only you can know if you can deal with seeing her like she is now. If it will help you, and help her, then I think you should go in. 

I'm so sorry - I can only imagine what you're feeling. Max is 7 - we do this thing where I whisper to him - "never leave me" - and he tells me that he never will. KC will never really leave you. But your heart - is going to hurt for a long time. I wish there was more I could say or do.


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## Kyle (Dec 19, 2009)

Had to post one more pic- this is one of my fav's...


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## Kyle (Dec 19, 2009)

laprincessa said:


> Only you can know if you can deal with seeing her like she is now. If it will help you, and help her, then I think you should go in.
> 
> I'm so sorry - I can only imagine what you're feeling. Max is 7 - we do this thing where I whisper to him - "never leave me" - and he tells me that he never will. KC will never really leave you. But your heart - is going to hurt for a long time. I wish there was more I could say or do.


Thank you...the more I'm thinking about it, it may just be selfish motives not to see her again- it won't hurt her, and could help her. And I may always regret it if I don't. It may be crushing at the moment but I think overall it's probably the right thing to do.


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## MaureenM (Sep 20, 2011)

Just wanted to say how sorry I am. They leave us far too soon, but 4 is just so young. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer as far as being there with her. I think it's very personal. I also think, that she might know you're there, whether it seems like that or not. As much time as it sounds that you have spent together, if you can be there, I don't think you'd regret it. The memories will not be of tubes and sickness ect as much as they will be of the life you shared together. At least that has been my experience. I have been with 2 of our dogs as they took their last breath, at our choosing. One other I could not get out of work, and that's the one I regret more than I can say. My DH was there, as was my SIL, but I wasn't, and I should have been. I think you will do what's best for you and her, whatever that may be. Probably haven't been much help, but my thoughts are with you.


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## Kyle (Dec 19, 2009)

MaureenM said:


> Just wanted to say how sorry I am. They leave us far too soon, but 4 is just so young. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer as far as being there with her. I think it's very personal. I also think, that she might know you're there, whether it seems like that or not. As much time as it sounds that you have spent together, if you can be there, I don't think you'd regret it. The memories will not be of tubes and sickness ect as much as they will be of the life you shared together. At least that has been my experience. I have been with 2 of our dogs as they took their last breath, at our choosing. One other I could not get out of work, and that's the one I regret more than I can say. My DH was there, as was my SIL, but I wasn't, and I should have been. I think you will do what's best for you and her, whatever that may be. Probably haven't been much help, but my thoughts are with you.


No, Thank you- that is helpful. The more I think of not being there when I could have been, the more I think the lasting regret would eat at me.


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## Melakat (Oct 9, 2010)

My heart goes out to you. This is so tragic that KC is so very young it is just so unfair.

We just put our Golden boy Oakley down in early October he was 8 and we had to make the decision so very fast as he was bleeding internally. My husband, myself and our two young adult sons were with him. It was very peaceful and I am very glad that we were there.

Honestly, the first couple of weeks after he passed I thought a lot about his condition that evening but now that almost 2 months have passed I look back at all of the love he gave us and we gave him and think about all the great moments and much less of that awful evening and how it was hard to see him like that. 

it is never ever easy to lose a Golden and again my heart goes out to you - one of the toughest things in the world to do. I will be thinking about you and dear KC.


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## Kyle (Dec 19, 2009)

Thank you all for the kind words...I think I'm getting to almost a numb stage tonight but I'm sure it'll all come flooding back when I wake up.


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## flatcoated (Feb 3, 2013)

I'm so sorry. It is beyond heartbreaking even to read about this, so I cannot imagine living it.

I think she will know you and you will want the chance to spend time with her and to comfort her. My first flat-coat died of osteosarcoma at a more advanced age than your girl, but she suffered a great deal in her final month. I spent days at the vet with her, petting her and telling her I loved her. She was very sick, but there is no question in my mind that it helped both of us. If for her sake you need to let KC go before you can get there, do so and regard it as an act of love and mercy. But if you can make it in time, I think it will calm her and do you both good. Love seems to be one of the last things that leaves these wonderful creatures, and we should do everything we can to provide it for as long as we can.

My heart goes out to you both. Am praying for a better outcome.


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## KKaren (Oct 29, 2014)

Dear Kyle,
I'm so very sorry to read this. She's beautiful. You and your Mom have worked hard to help her. I know there is not much I can say to help you, except that I'm sending prayers your way for strength and that whatever you decide tomorrow is ok with regards to seeing KC. Remember she knows you love her. For me I stayed with my Merry as she left this world even though it was very hard. Take care also on your drive tomorrow.


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## Kyle (Dec 19, 2009)

She's gone.

Her red blood cell counts dropped even further, she had fluid in her abdomen and around her heart and lungs- she was having trouble breathing. To keep her alive until I got there would require o2 support, a blood transfusion and some other procedures that I didn't catch. She was suffering. I authorized it over the phone. I still can't really believe what happened.


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## Doug (Jul 17, 2010)

I am so sorry to hear about what happened to your very much loved girl :'(

The older we get we realise that the universe is bigger than we can begin to fathom and things are taken out of our hands. May the angels surround you both in love and light during this shocking time.

Know that she would not want you to suffer and is sending you much love and care right back.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Kyle (Dec 19, 2009)

Thank you. Just finalized everything re: paw print, lock of her fur, cremation, final bill...so hard focusing on anything right now


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## Pilgrim123 (Jul 26, 2014)

Oh Kyle, I'm so very sorry. And you're right - she was so very beautiful.


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## Harleysmum (Aug 19, 2014)

What a beautiful girl. So sorry for this tragic loss that you are having to cope with. You must be totally numb. When reality kicks in you will find tremendous support here. In my thoughts tonight.


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## Dallas Gold (Dec 22, 2007)

My heart breaks just reading this. I am so sorry.


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## AmberSunrise (Apr 1, 2009)

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Run free KC...


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## Susan: w/ Summit we climb (Jun 12, 2014)

I'm so sorry. Your sweet girl didn't know how much too soon it was. She only knew that you loved her.


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## swishywagga (Nov 13, 2012)

I am so very sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you, please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers x


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## janababy (Jan 2, 2012)

I am truly heart broken for you Kyle. I am afraid, that sometimes with our beloved Goldens it comes down to the quality of life we have with them and not the quantity. Please take solice in the fact that you and your Mom did all you could for KC.


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## Cookie's Mom (Oct 14, 2013)

So sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose a beloved fur family member. At least she is pain free now and is having a blast running with all of our dogs at the Rainbow Bridge.


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## Rob's GRs (Feb 25, 2007)

I too am so sorry to read of the loss of your girl. Cancers take so many of our Goldens lives. You did so much to try and help her. There are no words that can really make this any easier on you as these Goldens are family to us and the pain hurts deep in our souls. Though she is gone may she live on forever in your heart.


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## kellyguy (Mar 5, 2014)

So very sorry for your loss. I know words from a stranger will probably not diminish the pain and sorrow that you must feel but I hope that somehow sharing your grief will eventually bring you comfort.
Goldens are a blessing to us in that they teach us to live life in the moment. They never dwell on the past nor worry for the future. Your beautiful girl would not want you to feel pain and sorrow, and I believe they live on forever in our hearts.


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## Karen2 (Jan 5, 2009)

Losing your best friend, is so hard. I lost mine this year too. 
Hang on to all the fun times, silly antics, and smiles you have.
So sorry for your loss.


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## Anon-2130948gsoni (Apr 12, 2014)

I'm so terribly, terribly sorry to read this. I went through something similar with our sheltie/chow mix and they never did know what really caused her death.

Some times I think some special beings are meant to be with us for a specific reason and for only a short time--they're pocket miracles and all too brief.

There aren't really any words I could offer that can make this easier for you right now--I wish I knew some. Know that you did everything you could possibly have done.

Sending you and your mom a hug.


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## Yaichi's Mom (Jul 21, 2012)

I am so, so sorry. You did everything you could possibly do for your sweet girl ....our hearts are with yours at this more than sad time.


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## CAROLINA MOM (May 12, 2009)

I am so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful KC. 
In the days to come, I hope you will be able to find comfort in knowing she is no longer suffering or in pain. I believe KC is whole again and enjoying life as she once did with our Bridge Kids that have gone before her. They were waiting for her and welcomed her with open paws. 

You and your mom did everything you could for KC, there are so many things in life that are out of our control, this is one of them.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you begin this journey to find peace and for your heart to heal. She will always be by your side watching over you. 

Godspeed KC


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## Karen519 (Aug 21, 2006)

*Kyle*

Kyle

I am SO VERY SORRY about the loss of your sweet girl KC. My heart goes out to you! It sounds like it could have been hemangiosarcoma, which comes on suddenly. So many of us here have lost our dogs to hemangio.

I put KC's name on our 2014 Rainbow Bridge list.
http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com...ow-bridge-list-grf-2014-a-17.html#post5181649

My Smooch, Snobear, Gizmo and Munchkin will take care of her at the Rainbow Bridge.


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## Lennap (Jul 9, 2010)

I am just reading this now, and crying my eyes out for you. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. From what you wrote it is clear that KC had a wonderful life with you, surrounded by people who loved her - and clearly she knew it.

You gave her the most difficult, selfless gift you possible could - you ended her pain. 

HUGS


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## gold4me (Mar 12, 2006)

I am so very sorry. I understand the pain you feel. It is something that only those who have loved so deeply understand. You sweet little girl is beautiful and as difficult as it is you can rest knowing she is now pain free. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## laurelcrs (Sep 30, 2014)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## cgriffin (Nov 30, 2011)

Oh no, I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## 1oldparson (Mar 5, 2013)

All I can say is I'm so very sorry. My thoughts & prayers are with you.


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## 3 goldens (Sep 30, 2005)

Such a beautiful girl and so young. I am so very sorry for you loss. We had to let our 13 year old golden girl, Honey go Aug. 13. She had been a puppy up until a couple of weeks earlier. People didn't not believe her age due to her playfulness. Byt lymphoma struck her. I was with her, holding her head and her looking into my eyes to the end. I could see the thanks in them.

And then believe it or not, on Sept. 23, we had to let our 7 year old blind Great Pyrenees go--as with Melakat's love, he was bleeding out on the inside from a ruptured tumor on his spleen. fine one day, dying the next. Unreal. And with Melakat, we made the decision on the spot to prevent more suffering and once again I held the head, tho he could not see, he could hear my telling him I loved him. These decisions aare so very hard to make, but we do it for the love of our much loved dogs., it is the right thing to do.


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## PrincessDaisy (Dec 20, 2011)

Praying for you and you family. You did the right thing. She was suffering.
Beautiful dog. I know and understand your loss.

I would want to know how she was introduced to the fungal infection so as to prevent it from happening to other dogs in the future.

Max


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## caseypooh (Dec 30, 2010)

I'm so so sorry, she knows you love her and did what was best for her. She's surrounded by a lot of our loved ones, as you are surrounded by us here.


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## Tayla's Mom (Apr 20, 2012)

I'm so very sorry. My heart goes out to you.


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## Taylorsmum (Sep 30, 2014)

I am so sorry for your loss, she was a beautiful girl. Take comfort in the fact she knew she was loved and now she is pain free. Too soon taken but she will forever be with you.


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## OutWest (Oct 6, 2011)

I am so, so sorry. You have my deepest condolences.


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## laprincessa (Mar 24, 2008)

I'm so sorry.

Run free, sweet KC, run free


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## cubbysan (Mar 13, 2007)

I am so sorry! Hugs! I also had to put a dog down years ago, over the phone, before any of the test results could come back. It too was thanksgiving, too. We are here for you and most of us have been through this pain, too.


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## Sweet Girl (Jun 10, 2010)

This was the saddest thing I've read in a long time. I was in tears before I made it through your original post, then saw your devastating update. I'm so sorry. She was so young. It's just not fair, is it? She will always be in your heart. My heart truly goes out to you.


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## KKaren (Oct 29, 2014)

Kyle, Sending condolences to you, your Mom, Brother, and the rest of your family. You have compassion and kindness, it is not easy to make that decision, particularly when you are gathering information over the phone. 

I hope that the beautiful memories of your KC, those crazy big sticks she picked up, will give you some comfort. She'll be watching over you.


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## Kyle (Dec 19, 2009)

Thank you all so much for all of the support. It's killing me that I was not able to say good bye to her- I'm sure I did the night that I drove back to Seattle and left her w/ my family before my vacation, but I don't remember it. I don't remember the last thing I said to her, and if she was waiting for me I wish I had made it in time. I just had no idea it would progress that fast. It may be something that always gnaws at me, but I'm sure eventually the overwhelmingly great 4 and a half years with her will far overshadow the horrible circumstances at the end.

Thank you again everyone, it does help hearing from those who have gone through this before, and the condolences are very much appreciated.


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## 2tired (Oct 19, 2011)

My heartfelt sympathy to all of you. Such a hard decision, but one from the heart.

Run free, young lady.


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## bemyangell (Mar 4, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss of KC. Any golden lover knows what you are going through. It's very rough. Prayers...KC is pain free now.


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## gemmagirl (Nov 27, 2014)

I'm so sorry for your loss. She was such a beauty. My heart breaks for you


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## golfgal (Dec 31, 2013)

Kyle, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through, especially for one so young. It's so hard to leave them alone and then to have something like this happen. I didn't even make through your first post without crying. Sending cyber hugs your way to you, your mom and your family this weekend.


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## laprincessa (Mar 24, 2008)

Kyle said:


> Thank you all so much for all of the support. It's killing me that I was not able to say good bye to her- I'm sure I did the night that I drove back to Seattle and left her w/ my family before my vacation, but I don't remember it. *I don't remember the last thing I said to her*, and if she was waiting for me I wish I had made it in time. I just had no idea it would progress that fast. It may be something that always gnaws at me, but I'm sure eventually the overwhelmingly great 4 and a half years with her will far overshadow the horrible circumstances at the end.
> 
> Thank you again everyone, it does help hearing from those who have gone through this before, and the condolences are very much appreciated.


You said that you loved her, and you'd be back soon. That's what she knew, what she took with her.
You kissed her goodbye, and she knew that you loved her.

It will take time, but you'll realize that she knew - right up to her last breath, she knew.


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## murphy1 (Jun 21, 2012)

You did the right thing for your beloved dog, please don't second guess yourself about saying goodbye. Letting her suffer another second for a goodbye she probably would not recognize, I applaud your selfishness and love.


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## elly (Nov 21, 2010)

Im so terribly sad and sorry. She is no longer suffering and she is running free with all those who left before her, including my beloved Robbie and Cracker. 
Please know I am thinking of you as are many here on the board. 
May you feel healing and the love and care surrounding you and your family at this difficult time. In time let your tears turn gently into smiles as you remember the special times you shared x
KC, you were beautiful. Run free sweet girl x


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## Jennifer1 (Mar 31, 2012)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Ljilly28 (Jan 22, 2008)

What a sad, sad thing to have happen. I am so sorry. There is so much risk to loving a golden, and I just read a journal article about how goldens are less able than other breeds to repair glitches in DNA before they become menacing. The one consolation is I do not believe dogs fear death- that is for us humans thinking and remembering and torturing ourselves. Maybe you could tell us a few stories about her five best days with you? That's what her life meant.


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## Monkey_Girl (May 15, 2009)

OMG - this is soooo sad. My condolences for your loss. What a shock to lose KC so suddenly and so young. I'm at a loss for words....you must be so heartbroken.


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## KathyL (Jul 6, 2011)

I just read your post now and see it was edited to note that she is gone. I'm so sorry, 4 is so very young. While reading the post my first thought was an infiltrative lipoma which Harley had and they are difficult to remove even with good margins because they come back so amputation is the recommended surgery. But when you noted that the other back limb was also affected it just seems more like some kind of cancer or fungal disease like blasto. She is free of pain now and that was your final gift to her.


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## pb2b (Nov 8, 2013)

That is way too young. I am so so sorry.


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## MaureenM (Sep 20, 2011)

I'm so, so sorry. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.


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## brianne (Feb 18, 2012)

To lose a dog at 4 years old is just incomprehensible. I can only imagine the shock you are feeling.

There was one dog from my childhood that died when I was a young adult. I wasn't able to make it home to say goodbye to her and I tortured myself with thoughts that I had let her down somehow. My father sat me down and said, "Do you think I should have let her suffer for a few more hours to wait for you to drive home?" The thought of her holding on and suffering stopped me in my tracks and made me realize that the right decision had been made.

I think it's human nature to analyze and re-hash things and think of the "what-ifs" to try and make sense of the loss but try hard not to keep going down this road. It's clear how beloved KC was to you and your family. She knew how much you love her and that's what matters.

Sending heartfelt prayers to you and your family.


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## Kyle (Dec 19, 2009)

Ljilly28 said:


> Maybe you could tell us a few stories about her five best days with you? That's what her life meant.


I definitely will share more great stories about her- I can't yet, it's all still so raw but I will soon.

Again, thank you all for your responses.


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