# A little angry, a lot hurt...vent



## moverking (Feb 26, 2007)

Well, at the risk of sounding harsh...she needs to remember all the years and effort Momma put in FOR/WITH her and pay it back in kind.

Get your emotions bundled up over the next few days and have a heart to heart with her. Don't keep it in, it will simmer and cause problems down the road in your relationship. 

**** kids (sometimes)


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## mdoats (Jun 7, 2007)

I think you've got to talk to her about this. Letting this fester could really ruin your relationship. If I were in your shoes, I'd find a quiet time to talk to her and I'd approach the conversation by asking a lot of questions. Is there a reason she doesn't want to spend time working through this with you? Is there something else going on in her life that she hasn't spoken to you about? Is she feeling stressed out about something? What was she thinking when she encouraged you to get the new horse? Etc., etc. I would probably ask her a whole lot of questions first before I told her how I felt.

I bet when you talk to her you'll find out there's something going on in her head that you never even considered. I really hope you guys work through this.


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## Ljilly28 (Jan 22, 2008)

Mother/daughter relationships run so deep. The emotion here is intense- your feeling are clearly hurt and IS bewildering why she isnt involved with helping you bond with your new horse since she initiated you getting him and pretty much picked him out herself. After spending a lifetime supporting your daughter's riding, I can see why it only seems fair she be here for you now. I do think you can solve the logistical part without her, just not the emotional communication part. I know you can teach your horse to stand quietly without a header. Do you have a mounting block so you do not have to use the stirrup so much? It took me about five days of intense patience to teach my antsy, prancy Morgan Charleston to stand at the new mounting block, but I just eventually wore him down basically by boring him. At first, I used the riding ring fence to help keep him standing still, but now it is in the center of the ring. He still prances a bit if he knows we're going out jumping on trails, but only once i'm on. He is actually great about the mounting block, though he is still pretty horrible if I have to dismount on a trail and then get back on from the ground. I wonder if you freed yourself logistically, then it would be easier to share your feeling with your daughter without tears? I would be curious to know her perspective on it. If I hurt my mom's feeling this badly, I would die of apologizing! I hope I would know. I am going to call my mother right now!


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## Celeigh (Nov 29, 2007)

Family has a way of hurting us without even knowing they are doing it...

It sounds like she talked you into something you didn't ask for in the first place and you read it as an opportunity for an activity you would do together, but she was suggesting an activity you could do by yourself or with other moms:



> "_*You*_ really need to get one, _*all the*_ _*moms*_ have their western horses and _*they*_ have so much fun. And its a lot easier than dressage. *You really need to do this*". So I thought about it and _*decided she was right*_. My wp guy came home the end of March. She rode him for me before hubby paid for him and said "Yep, this is an _*excellent horse*_ _*for mom*_. Pay the man and load him up."


I know it's frustrating, but it sounds like she was suggesting this horse for you, not for both of you. There is no "we" in what you described and no promise that it would be something you both would enjoy together, but you rightly assumed that since you had always shared the horse activity, you would do so with the new horse as well. I wonder if by her comment about other moms having fun with the horses, she was implying you would have fun with the horse with those moms, not with her.

It is painful when family/friends we have always spent time with in a specific way decide they want to move on. I suggest you talk to her about it calmly (when you can) and tell her in a non-blaming way that you had assumed you would work the horse together, but if she can't, you don't feel you have the support to do it properly on your own and may have to consider other options like selling the horse - not as a threat to her to force her to help you, but a statement of fact - you can't do it alone and don't have another support system beyond her to help you.

As for your daughter, while it is easy to think of everything we put into our kids as a bank account we can draw from later (deposit unlimited love and time for her hobby, withdraw 10 hours of support for me) it doesn't sound like from what you've described that she broke any promises nor is she under any obligation to help you despite having talked you into it in the first place (though it would be nice!). It was still your decision to move ahead with the purchase. The mistake on both of your parts was in not establishing the ground rules for the new horse and the roles each of you would and would not play. 

It sounds like the only way to solve this is to talk it out. Make sure you clearly state your needs to her and ask her specifically to help you at a specific time you both agree upon. Make sure you aren't expecting her to hear the hurt in your voice or read your mind and know what you want from her.

I know you're hurt and definitely understand! I just wanted to give you some ideas for how to work through it.


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## GoldenJoyx'stwo (Feb 25, 2007)

This is soooo different, but when my Mom had issues with agoraphobia I helped her a lot. As time went on I had to become the adult, which I was, but I had to make her do things on her own that I KNEW she was afraid to do and were very, very difficult for her. It wasn't easy, but there was a point when I have to admit I was becoming an enabler. 

Amazingly, after I stopped loading 4 children into the car and driving her to work for weeks ~ this after getting her to even leave the house, she did start back to work and driving on her own again. I remember the day she stood in the supermarket and said, "Kim, I need deli meat. I said, so, go to the deli and get it." I watched my Mother's hands shake uncontrollably and the basket actually rattled. It was a moment I will never forget. She did it though. She was shaken when she came back, but so happy she didn't pass out. She always thought she would pass out. She never did.

I remember being in a store one day and the look on a customer's face because of what I said to my Mom will live with me forever. My Mom didn't want to sit and wait while I looked at shoes. She said, "Kim, I'm going to pass out. I want to leave NOW!" I calmly said, "Sit right there because I'm going to find a pair of shoes to wear with this outfit. You WILL be FINE!" She was fine...


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## FlyingQuizini (Oct 24, 2006)

Family issues are never fun. If it were me, I'd ask her point blank if she's available on a specific day or time (give a few options to allow for scheduling conflicts) to come and help you you what you need to do to get started. If she says no, why not just ask her why she won't help? Not in a mean way, just really wanting to know what's behind the resistance. Sure, you need to "get with" the horse, but if doing that takes two people, find out what the big deal is (to her) about helping.


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## Penny'smom (Mar 3, 2007)

I really appreciate all the support and ideas.

I forgot to add that it was our intention that we have fun together with him. She's already bought (for herself) chaps and 2 show jackets to the tune of about $400 to show him with. She was hot on the trail of show saddles and actually found the one I bought. She saw the breast collar at the tack shop at a reasonable price and told me about that. I don't like to shop and she does, that's why she was so busy finding stuff. We even looked at saddles together to find one that fit us both.

For now, I'm all nervous about getting on him tonight. And I have absolutely no idea why, except that I'm so vulnerable during the actual "not quite on the horse and not quite off the horse" moment in time. Once I'm on, I'm fine and general have never been afraid to ride or drive.

I'll try the specific time idea. Can you help me next Tues around 7:30? That will put HER on the spot and if she is reluctant I can use that to open the conversation.

Thank you so much for all your good ideas.


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## TiffanyK (Mar 3, 2008)

I'm sorry that you are going through this and do I ever understand! Here's my mistake with my daughter, LOL.... I often do let it fester and then I'll explode off by myself and then I finally either talk to her or it works itself out, but that's not a good way to deal with things :doh:

You know.. I agree with Celeigh's post a lot. Maybe not 100%, but it makes good sense too. I think it helps put a good perspective on how you can approach this with your daughter.

To me... I think I would try to approach my daughter without the feelings of anger, allow somoe of the hurt, but not overly emotional when you talk to her and just let her know what your expectations were when getting this horse and then ask her what her expectations and ideas are with regard to the horse. Surely she knows how you are with wanting at least one other person to help in getting on the horse. I've always thought it was smart to have help too... but I always tied our horses to a post or trailer and helped my kids get saddled, then lead the horse for a few minutes before taking the lead rope off, so the horse was warmed up and I had a good feel for how s/he'd do for the ride.


Do hope this works out for you soon and hope you enjoy your ride tonight. BTW, I also understand the hubby thing - LOL.. My FIL and I are partners in crime on horses, but my hubby really doesn't like them at all.


Tiffany


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## paula bedard (Feb 5, 2008)

I'd just like to say I'm sorry your feeling abandoned. I hope you work this out with your daughter. My only advice would be to watch how you approach this. You don't want to cause a rift that lasts longer than the original problem. Been there, done that, with Sister 

We women tend to hold on to our grievances. Guys punch each other and they're best friends again


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## fostermom (Sep 6, 2007)

Mother/daughter relationships are especially up and down. We are so close that sometimes it can be smothering. I would not know from a mom point of view since I only have a son, but I do know from a daughter's standpoint. Though I am leaning more towards the fact that she has something else going on right now and just can't handle one more thing right now. Only because I have been there, done that.


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## Penny'smom (Mar 3, 2007)

That's what I'm thinking too. She's getting with her horse and has been scared although she isn't now. Still, she rode him in their first class today. The trainer has been showing him for her to get some mileage on for her. She was a little nervous and but not afraid. It's possible she's so uptight about her own stuff that she just can't handle more.

Or.......

her trainer may have said to give me tough love. To force me to work it out for myself. Even though the trainer knows me, apparently she doesn't KNOW know me. My middle name is INDEPENDENT, fiercely so.

I had a good ride tonight . Getting on was easy, quick and fluid in my new riding tights. He behaved pretty darn okay. A little bit of stoppies/resistance but I urged him forward and he went without fuss. Lovely jog. My girlfriend and hubby got me on. We have a date for tomorrow night again. This time I want girlfriend to just stand by and I want hubby to work on holding the stirrup and being ready to hold horse if he moves. I want to phase girlfriend out after only 1 time. Eventually, I won't even need hubby to help, although he'll always be there to watch and help. I don't ride alone.

So, at least with this bit of success under my belt and my girlfriend's offer to help me anytime she can, I'm feeling less angry and less hurt, less stuck with a very expensive horse I can't ride. I'm more like "I'll do this without you and don't think for a minute you'll ever get on him". I'll probably get over that too.

I'm sorry so many of us have these upsets with family. I guess that why we should choose our friends carefully.


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## mylissyk (Feb 25, 2007)

I agree with the others about calmly talking to your daughter and asking her if there is any particular reason she hasn't or won't help you.

But I was also wondering, she got you into this by saying all the moms were riding wester pleasure, so is there a group of moms you could get involved with that might be available to help you?


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## Celeigh (Nov 29, 2007)

Good for you for not waiting for her and getting on that horse with your friend and husband! That's the spirit!!!  Way to take control!


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## Penny'smom (Mar 3, 2007)

The other moms have their horses with the trainer and wouldn't know one end of the horse from the other if the trainer doesn't tell them first.

No disrespect intended, but one mom, nearly my age, has ridden and shown western for years. I'm just starting with Harry. She bought a $25k horse at the grand nationals last October. The horse was with the trainer for 7 months before the woman was ready to show it. This is a proven show horse with a lot of show ring experience. Plus she had the trainer riding it for her 4-5 times a week and she got at least one lesson per week. It still took 7 months for her to 'get with' the horse. I guess that sounds/is pretty disrespectful.

I don't see these women as options because they work, have families, live far away, etc.

I just got off the phone with dd. Her horse/trainer had another class so I got the report. We talked about her horse, her showing, a dog she saw at the show, her own dog at home, my caring for the horses and even though she knew I was going to ride, she never said a word. I brought it up. Was she afraid to ask "did you get to ride?" She knew I had arranged my helpers and was going to. I think she's bonded with the trainer and just doesn't know how to have 2 people in her life. Any suggestions I have are met with "I don't think so" or "Ya, I'm going to, that's what Lori said too".

I think I've been dumped.


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## GoldenJoyx'stwo (Feb 25, 2007)

Don't try so hard PM. Seems like when you let them go, they find their way back. We tend to make them the center of our world and forget we have a life too. When we take back our lives ~ they sit and wonder...


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## Penny'smom (Mar 3, 2007)

Yep, Kimm, that's about where I'm at. Not because of anything in particular but because maintaining hurt and anger is just too hard and takes too much energy. Besides I'm not that kind of girl: I hate drama and generally just walk away from a troubling relationship when it's not a family member. I don't have many skills in conflict resolution. I just leave. The bad part of that is that once I build up the 'don't care walls' I don't ever take them down, so this will change me forever. Maybe that's a good thing: to be a little more "don't care".

Regardless of that, this is energy I need to work on my riding, my gardening, my weight (lost 8 pounds in just a few weeks :wave: ), my blood sugars, my music and my sewing. Not to be spent on anger and hurt.

I'm going to try and concentrate on my successes.

You guys are the best for letting me vent and talk/think this thing through. You all have so much wisdom to give. If nothing more than to remind me that I'm human and she's human. Thanks a million.


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## Debles (Sep 6, 2007)

Glad you are feeling better and getting on with life. Taking care of yourself.

I didn't say anything earlier because I have three daughters and the middle one and I just aren't on the same wave length and she's 31. She lives 500 miles away and we don't talk real often and I almost always have to call her or who knows when we'd talk. Apparently she thinks there are two sets of rules. Rules for her which are whatever she wants and rules for me which are supposed to be whatever she wants. 

She's a grown woman with three kids now and I don't have the money or energy to follow her around and try to read her mind. So I,like you, need to get on with my life cause I have no control over her and can only work on myself.

I'm so grateful I get along great with my other two daughters!


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